Some of the greatest philosophers through the ages have said that through adversity springs courage and strength, but sometimes all it brings is more pain. I think that scene with Lindsey was when I first suspected just how badly Nick had damaged my armor. The sight of him and Lindsey, together in the same room, was almost more than I could bear. Now I know it was a deep hurt, a soul-searing pain that made me react the way I did, but at the time, I meant every single word.
Nick must have known that as well while his gaze held mine. His eyes reflected a multitude of emotions; sorrow, pain, regret, anger, and a quietly determined stubbornness. Without a word, he took Lindsey’s arm and pulled her from the room, but I knew I hadn’t seen the last of him. He would call my bluff.
“Are you out of your mind?” Cody was glaring at me. “How could you say something like that to Nick after he saved the Judge’s life? Not to mention treating that woman so badly when she was only trying to be kind.”
Jenna bristled, her return glare heated as she put herself between Cody and me. “Until you know the whole story, stuff a sock in it, Cody. Alix has every right to treat them the way she did. And she showed a hell of a lot more restraint than I would have. If I’d been in her shoes, that hussy would have left here bald.”
With a gesture of disgust, Cody left the room, and I could just picture him catching up with Nick and Lindsey, apologizing for my behavior. And making sure he was introduced to Lindsey while he was at it.
Wearily, I sank onto the couch and Jenna sat down next to me. “Hey, I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but everything will work out.”
“Will it?” I scrubbed at my forehead. “Christ, Jenna. It feels like I’m falling apart one piece at a time. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately.”
“I do.” She took my hand. “You’re ending a fifteen-year marriage, your mother barely speaks to you, your grandfather had a stroke, and you’ve never stopped loving Nick.”
I yanked my hand from hers, the fingers automatically curling into a fist. “I do not love Nick. I hate him.”
“No, you only think you do. Alix, the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. And you couldn’t be indifferent to him if your life depended on it.”
“Damn it, Jenna. Stop analyzing me.”
She held up her hands in surrender. “Okay, okay. But sooner or later you’ll have to face the truth.”
My chin went up stubbornly. “No, I won’t.”
“Has anyone ever told you you’re a lot like your Aunt Darla?”
My lips twitched. I couldn’t help it. “No, and if ‘anyone’ knows what’s good for them, they won’t tell me now.”
“That’s better.” She grinned. “I was starting to think your face had frozen in a permanent frown. You know what you need?” She didn’t give me a chance to answer. “You need to have some fun. Wednesday is ladies’ night at the roadhouse. How about the two of us take a night off to howl?”
“I don’t know...it depends on how the Judge is doing.”
“He’s going to be fine, and I won’t take no for an answer. Besides, isn’t your divorce final next week?”
I did some rapid calculations and felt a ripple of surprise go through me. “Thursday. It should be final Thursday.”
“There ‘ya go. A reason to celebrate.” She hesitated. “You are glad it’s over, aren’t you? No second thoughts?”
“No second thoughts.” I took a deep breath. “It just sort of slipped up on me, I guess. I’ll have to let you know about Wednesday later.”
Cody’s reappearance put a stop to the conversation. He took a chair across the room from us, his expression thoughtful even through he didn’t speak. Jenna stayed until they moved the Judge to ICU and got him settled, then left to keep an appointment.
When the doctor talked to us again, he was cautiously optimistic. It seemed the new drug was going to work after all, and I saw evidence of this myself when I visited the Judge later. His face had relaxed, looked more normal now, and his left hand was open, lying on the bed instead of curled tightly to his body.
Not long after that, my panicked family rushed in. It took a while to get them calmed down, and they each had to see the Judge before they quite believed he was going to make it. And then they took over. I sat in a corner of the large ICU waiting room, listening as they devised a rotating schedule of who would stay at the hospital with the Judge during the days to come, and who would stay home to receive sympathy calls from friends and neighbors.
I, of course, was not included in the duties. But that didn’t mean Mama was going to ignore me. Maybe I had forgotten my divorce would be final next week, but she hadn’t. It wasn’t long before she joined me, a look of determination on her face, and a feeling of resignation swept over me when she spoke.
“Alix, you have to put a stop to this nonsense while there’s still time. Hugh is a good man. He cares about you. It’s insane to throw away fifteen years of marriage for no reason.”
I forced myself to stay calm. “There is a reason. I don’t love him. He doesn’t love me.”
“You’ve only hit a rocky patch, Dear.” She patted my knee. “It happens in all marriages. I’m sure you can work through it if you try.”
“He’s had one affair after the other since the day we married, Mama. Am I supposed to keep looking the other way?”
She hesitated. “He’s a man, Alix. Sometimes they make mistakes. But I’m sure if you talked to him, let him know how you feel, he’d stop. You know I only want what’s best for you.”
“No, Mama.” I stood. “You want what’s best for you. You like having a daughter married to the richest, most prestigious family in the county. And if that means I have to be miserable the rest of my life, well, that’s just too bad for me, isn’t it? You’ve made it real clear that you care more about what Helena thinks than you care about me. You’ve turned your back on me when I needed my family the most. So don’t sit there and tell me you want what’s best for me.”
I was proud of myself. I hadn’t raised my voice a single time. But I couldn’t be sure I’d remain that calm if she pushed me. Head high, I walked out of the room and left her sitting there, face pale.
It wasn’t until I was standing on the sidewalk in front of the hospital that I remembered I didn’t have my car with me. I hadn’t even stopped to grab my purse, so I didn’t have the money for a cab or a phone call.
I was trying to figure out what to do when Cody came through the doors behind me. “Come on. I’ll take you home.”
Silently, I followed him down the hill to the parking lot and climbed in his truck. As soon as we were on the highway, he glanced at me.
“Sorry I came down so hard on you this morning. It’s just that I’ve never seen you react that way to anyone before.”
I nodded. “I supposed you apologized to them on my behalf.”
“It seemed like the right thing to do. But you might be interested to know Nick was giving her holy hell when I caught up with them. I didn’t hear the whole thing, but the gist of it was that he was pissed off because she’d hurt you. ‘Again’ was the word he used. Said all she’d done was make things worse, and that now wasn’t the time for confessions. She looked like a little girl getting a scolding from her daddy.”
“Stay away from her, Cody.”
He took his attention off the road long enough to glance at me again, one brow arched in question. “What are you talking about?”
“Don’t play innocent with me. I saw the expression on your face when she walked in. I’m telling you to stay away from her. You don’t have any idea what she’s really like.”
“And you do?”
“Yes. She’s so tangled up with Nick that neither of them will ever get lose.”
“Funny, but I didn’t get the impression they had that kind of relationship.”
“They have a son. She’s lived with Nick almost since the day he left.” I twisted on the seat to face him. “Look, you warned me about getting involved with someone again before the ink was dry on my divorce decree. Now I’m returning the favor. Lindsey isn’t what she seems to be, and I don’t want you to get hurt.”
He was silent for a long minute. “Are you going to tell me what really went on fifteen years ago?”
I straightened, turned to gaze out the window. “You know what happened.”
“I thought I did, but I’m beginning to realize I don’t even know half of it.”
“Please, Cody. Stay out of it. This is my problem, not yours.”
His jaw tightened, and I could almost see the sheriff emerge. “Just tell me one thing. Did Nick really kill his father in self-defense?”
“Yes. Frank abused him his whole life. There were plenty of witnesses that can testify to that much. I’ve never doubted that Frank went after him that night.”
“Okay. I’ll drop it. For now, anyway.” He pulled up in front of the barn and stopped. “But if you need me for anything, anything at all, call me.”
I leaned across the seat and kissed his cheek. “Thanks. I will.”
Standing in front of the barn, I watched him leave, waving when he reached the end of the drive. After the day I’d gone through, my insides were coiled like a spring wound too tight. I needed to relax, and I needed something to take my mind off everything that had happened.
What I didn’t need was to find Nick waiting in my room. He was sitting in the easy chair, ankle crossed over his knee, a book open on his lap. A bag sat on the table, and the odor of barbequed ribs drifting from it made my stomach growl in anticipation.
He looked up when I opened the door, one corner of his lips curving into a smile. “Before you start yelling for the cops, I think I should point out that it’s not illegal to talk to someone.”
“How about trespassing?” I slammed the door behind me. My voice may have been sarcastic, but I didn’t have the energy to fight right now. All I wanted was some peace and quiet, a chance to settle my rattled nerves.
“That would work if the barn actually belonged to you. But since it doesn’t, your family would have to press charges, and they aren’t here.” He closed the book and stood. “Even if they were, it wouldn’t matter to me. Besides, if I know you, you haven’t had a bite to eat all day.”
He was right. I didn’t have a legal leg to stand on. And as I watched him take the containers out of the bag, my resistance faded. There was cole slaw, fries, and baked beans to go with the ribs, along with warm, buttered Texas-style toast.
“You aren’t fighting fair,” I grumbled, moving closer to the table. He had even supplied the paper plates, napkins and sodas.
“I don’t plan on fighting, period. You’re doing enough of that for both of us.” He filled a plate to overflowing and put it in front of me. “Sit.”
Lowering myself to the chair, I took a bite and closed my eyes in bliss. “Still trying to take care of me, Nick?”
“I don’t see anyone else doing the job. Why shouldn’t it be me?”
My eyes snapped open, and I searched for the anger that should have been there, but wasn’t. “I’m a big girl now. I don’t need anyone to take care of me.”
“There’s a part of everyone that needs to be taken care of. Denying it exists doesn’t change the truth, it only makes you very lonely.”
Curiosity, always my downfall, overtook my common sense. “Even you?”
His smile was wry. “Especially me. I was so busy taking care of everyone else that it took me a while to realize what that big hole inside me was. No matter what I did, or how many people I surrounded myself with, I still felt alone.”
“Uh huh.” I didn’t look at him. “And I’m sure there were plenty of women eager to help you out with that problem, even if Lindsey couldn’t.”
“Lindsey didn’t live with me. And if that’s your round-about way of asking me if I dated, the answer is yes, occasionally.” He stirred his cole slaw idly with a fork, thinking. “It was a waste of time and effort. Not that they weren’t nice women, but they didn’t have what I wanted, what I needed.”
I took a sip of my soda, but it couldn’t erase the sting of jealousy from my throat. “Do you even know what you want? I seem to remember you had a little problem in that area once before.”
He put his fork down and leaned back in the chair, his gaze holding mine. “Oh, I always knew what I wanted. I just didn’t think I’d ever get it, didn’t think I deserved to get it. I was the son of the town drunk, the guy who was raised in a junkyard. I was terrified the filth would rub off on the best thing that ever happened to me. And because of my own insecurity, I ended up hurting both of us. If I had it to do over again, I’d change a lot of things. But I don’t, and you have every reason to hate me for leaving you. The only thing I can do is ask you to forgive me.”
“Sorry, Nick. Too little, too late.” With a calm I was far from feeling, I continued eating, forcing down food that had turned to sawdust. But suddenly there was a flurry of doubt in my mind. Was I wrong? Was it possible that Nick really had loved me?
The thought was more than I could bare. Because if it were true, then everything I’d forced myself to believe was a lie. And if I couldn’t blame Katie’s death on him, I would have to take on the responsibility, myself. Desperately, I slammed the door on that thought. It wasn’t true. Hadn’t I compiled the evidence against him, bit by bit?
“What the hell happened to you?” he murmured. “Why are you trying so damn hard to convince me that the Alix I knew doesn’t exist anymore?”
“It’s simply a fact. I’m not trying to convince you of anything.” My voice was still calm, but my hands were shaking.
“Yes, you are. You have to work too hard at repairing these walls you’ve built for it to be real. I saw you with Daniel, remember. My Alix is still in there, and I will find a way to get her out.”
“Don’t bother.” I pushed the food away and stood to clean off the table. I had to keep busy, keep myself from looking at him. “She died a long time ago and she’s never coming back. That’s the way I want it. She was a naïve child who thought love could solve anything, who believed in happily-ever-after endings, and that justice and honor always win out. She believed in the integrity of others and never questioned their motives. She didn’t stand a chance and she’s better off dead.”
Nick’s face went pale as I talked. “Christ, Alix. I knew I’d hurt you, but I didn’t realize it would be this bad. I’ve got a lot to answer for, don’t I?”
“More than you’ll ever know.” I tried to keep my smile chilly, but an image of Katie flashed through my mind and destroyed my equilibrium. The pain was worse than it had been in a long time, and I swayed. I had to be right about him. Dear God, I didn’t know how I would go on living if I weren’t.
He stood, caught my shoulders in his hands, and forced me to look at him. “I have to try, damn it. I’ve never stopped loving you. I won’t give up that easily.”
“Love?” The laugh that bubbled out of me verged on panic “Once I would have given my life to hear you say that. But you don’t even know the meaning of the word. People who love you don’t tell you to get on with your life without them. People who love you don’t sleep with someone else when they should be with you. People who love you don’t leave you alone to have—” I stopped abruptly, horrified at how close I’d come to telling him about Katie after all the promises I’d made to myself.
He was staring down at me intently, his expression grim. “Leave you alone to what? Come on, Sweetheart. Scream at me, curse me, whatever it takes. You have to get it all out.”
All my energy drained away and I closed my eyes, leaned my forehead against his chest. “I can’t do this.”
His arms closed around me, his lips moved over my hair. “It’s okay,” he whispered. “I understand. We’ve got lots of time to work it all out.”
I didn’t resist when his mouth traveled down my cheek, settled on mine. There was no passion in the kiss. It was sweet and gentle, and I could feel the ends of the frayed bonds that had once stretched between us begin a slow mending. It was a kiss that offered healing, if I could only give in to it. And for a second, I did. For that one brief second, I let go and returned the pressure, let myself pretend that nothing had changed.
But it had taken me fifteen long years to reach the point where I now stood. No kiss, not even one of Nick’s, could change what I’d become. I wasn’t a sleeping princess and he wasn’t my prince. We were two ordinary people who had been shaped by the life we’d led.
It did, however, accomplish one thing I hadn’t expected. Even as I stepped away from him, I knew I had to put an end to the anger. Keeping it bottled up was easy when I didn’t have to see him every day, talk to him. But since he’d been back, I’d felt as though someone had thrown a match into a can of gasoline. If I didn’t get it under control it would destroy me, burn me up from the inside out.
“Are you okay?” His hand trembled when he touched my face, ran his thumb over my lips, and again I was surprised. He didn’t act like a man who’d been lying for his own ends. He acted like the old Nick, the one I’d loved with every ounce of my being.
I nodded, confusion making me weak. “I’ll be fine, but I think you’d better go for now.”
“Maybe you’re right.” He lowered his hand. “But I’m scared to death that if I leave, the next time I see you we’ll be right back where we started.”
I hesitated, then took the plunge. “How about if we call a truce for now?”
“Just for now?”
“It’s the best I can do, Nick. I have a lot to think about.”
“I guess you do.” He walked to the door, then stopped with his hand on the knob. “But while you’re at it, think about this. I love you. There hasn’t been a single day in the last fifteen years that I haven’t regretted not telling you when I had the chance. That house I’m working on next door? It’s never been for me. I’m building it for you. Without you there to share it, it will never be anything but an empty pile of boards.”
I don’t know how long I stood there, staring at the spot where he’d been, my mind whirling like a wisp of straw caught in a wind devil. He’d told me the truth. I knew it on a level I couldn’t explain. But there were so many unanswered questions, so much I didn’t understand. And now I no longer trusted my own judgment. I needed someone to talk to, someone who could be objective and reasonable. I needed Jenna.
This had felt like the longest day of my life, but a glance at the clock showed me it was only eight-thirty, not even full dark yet. Jenna should be home by now.
Grabbing my keys, I climbed in the Chevy and headed across town.
#
A few years after she’d started working for Mid-Delta Reality, Jenna had a bought a little house on the outskirts of town. She’d gotten it dirt cheap because it needed a lot of repairs. But over the years, she’d turned it into what I laughingly called her “gingerbread” house. It looked like something out of a fairytale with its brightly painted, scalloped trim, its overflowing gardens complete with fountains and bird baths, and its distinct air of femininity. And the inside was every bit as frilly as the outside. No doubt about it. The house had brought out a hidden streak of domesticity in Jenna that was the direct opposite of the cool business women she became during the day.
Relief washed over me when I saw light spilling from the windows. She was home.
Parking the Chevy behind her Lincoln, I got out and followed the brick path around to the back. The kitchen door was open, the framed screen door keeping out mosquitoes and letting in fresh air. I rapped twice, then waited, head tilted, listening. From somewhere inside, I heard the low sound of her voice. She must be on the phone.
Not wanting to disturb her, I eased the door open and stepped into the kitchen, leaning against the counter until there was a lull in the conversation. Then I raised my voice. “Jenna?”
For a split second there was nothing but silence, then I heard a mad scrambling. “Alix? Is that you? Hang on. I’ll be right there.”
She was still belting a robe around her waist when she entered the kitchen, and her hair was in wild disarray. It was so different from her normal, impeccable appearance that I couldn’t resist teasing her a little.
“Caught you, didn’t I? All this time you’ve been having a wild fling right under my nose. Well, the games up. You might as well confess.”
“What?” The blood drained from her face, leaving her eyes nearly black in the surrounding whiteness. One hand clutched the robe together at her throat.
“Hey, I was only joking.” I steadied her with one hand. “Are you okay? Has something happened?”
“No, of course not.” Her smile was wan. “You just took me by surprise. I wasn’t expecting anyone tonight.”
“I should have called first.” I was still a bit puzzled by her reaction.
“Don’t be silly. I never call you before I come by.” She walked to the sink and filled a pot with water. “Give me a second to put some tea on and then you can tell me what prompted this visit.”
I sat down at her table, propped my elbow on the wooden surface and sighed. “Nick prompted this visit.”
She glanced uneasily at the door leading to the living room, then closed it before joining me. “Nick?”
“Yes. He was waiting on me when I got home from the hospital this evening. God, Jenna, I’m so confused. I don’t know what to believe anymore.”
I paused at a muted noise from the other room. “I swear, that sounded like your front door closing. Are you sure I didn’t interrupt something?”
“Positive. One of the shrubs thumps the house when the wind blows. Go ahead with what you were telling me.” She was visibly more relaxed now, and I decided I’d imagined her earlier case of nerves.
“He told me he loves me, Jenna, that he’s building the house for me. One minute I really think he means it, then the next I start remembering everything he did to me. I feel like I’m going crazy.”
She crossed her arms on the table. “Why don’t you talk to him, ask him about Lindsey and everything that happened? If he does love you, he’ll tell you the truth.”
“I tried. This morning before I found the Judge. He said I didn’t understand about him and Lindsey, so I told him to explain it to me. He didn’t answer.”
“And you let him get away with that?” Her tone was disbelieving.
“I was upset.”
“That’s no excuse. Alix, the only way you’re going to settle this, good or bad, is to force the issue. You can’t keep going like you have been, shutting everyone out, barely existing.”
Gloom settled over me like a shroud and I slumped in the chair. “It’s useless. The fact is, he got Lindsey pregnant, then dumped me for her. Forcing him to talk about it isn’t going to change a thing. So what if Lindsey didn’t live with him? He still left me alone and pregnant.”
“Whoa!” She held up one hand. “What makes you think Lindsey didn’t live with him?”
“That’s what he told me. And Daniel doesn’t seem to think of her as his mother. He doesn’t seem to care much about her at all. Not like he would if she’d lived with them. He even calls her by her first name.”
“And Nick said you didn’t understand.” She looked thoughtful. “Is it possible that Nick isn’t Daniel’s father?”
The smile I gave her was wry. “You obviously haven’t seen him. He’s Nick’s son, all right. Seeing him is like seeing Nick at that age. They even act alike.”
“Okay, scratch that idea. But think about it like this. Even if he did sleep with Lindsey, maybe it only happened once. Anyone can make a mistake, right? Couldn’t you forgive him?”
I shook my head. “Maybe. If that were all it was. But how can I ever forgive him for Katie, Jenna? How can I see him and not remember that my daughter would be alive if he hadn’t left us?”
She reached across the table and took my hand firmly in hers. “Alix, you aren’t going to like this, but it’s not Nick’s fault that Katie died. It’s not anyone’s fault. Blame him for leaving you, blame him for not being there when you needed him so desperately, but don’t blame him for Katie.”
“I have to.” My voice was thick with grief. “He could have saved her.”
“How? How could he have saved her?”
“I don’t know!” I yanked my hand from her grasp and covered my eyes.
“Listen to me.” She leaned forward and touched my arm. “You loved Katie so much because she was Nick’s child. When she died it ripped you in half. Your family, bless their hearts, did what they thought was best for you, but they never gave you a chance to grieve. So you tucked it all away inside until it almost drove you crazy. Whether consciously or unconsciously, you protected yourself the only way you could. You tried to justify Katie’s death by blaming Nick. But you know the truth, Alix. Even if he’d been standing in the room with her, Katie would have died.”
“No.” I was shaking so hard the table rattled.
“Yes.” Her voice was gentle. “You’ll never get over Katie’s death until you can admit that it was only a senseless tragedy. Sometimes there just isn’t a reason for the things that happen, no matter how much we search for one. You had her for six months, Alix. Would you rather have never known her, loved her?”
“No. God, no. Every minute I had with her was precious.” Tears filled both of our eyes, spilled over until our vision blurred.
“Then concentrate on those minutes. Do you remember the first time she crawled? She had the most surprised look on her face.”
And so, when I’d come to talk about Nick, I ended up talking about Katie. Talking about her for the first time since she’d died. For hours, we sat over tea gone cold and forgotten in our cups, and we laughed and cried as we talked about my daughter. And finally, after all those empty years, I began to heal.