Down To Business

 

Fancy some pro bone-o at the Xmas party? First read Sarah Berry’s pervy guide to working your office affairs

 

Yes it’s office party season: that time when big cheeses across the western world put their plastic behind the bar, don a funny hat and eat M&S party food. Thus ensues a depraved orgy of photocopying body bits, shagging the IT boy in the stationary cupboard and much, much more.

 

Don’t get me wrong. I love the illicitness of office affairs, and when it’s good it’s very good. In my time I’ve been spread eagled on the boardroom table, licked out in the loos and administered many an under-the-desk blow jobs. When it’s good it can be effing hot, a power trip and a great way to ensure your computer will always have the latest software updates.

 

But, when it’s bad... I’ve also sat round that same boardroom table, fighting back the tears after my erstwhile conquest moved on to another bit of skirt. All too often office affairs end in tears, terminated contracts and tension. Here’s how to get the most out of office relations.

 

Assess the risks

So Mick from Human resources wants to indulge in some illicit team bonding, what do you do? Well our first instinct is usually to go for it. And of course office flings can be amazing, spontaneous, dirty fun, as conference producer and office lothario Neal Cassidy will attest: “One fling was very fun. I got a real adrenaline rush, putting my hands down her panties in the lift, having my cock sucked in the boardroom as I leaned against the door in case anyone tried coming in, and fucking her in the toilets after which she gave me her panties to keep in my pocket. If you’re young and not in a serious relationship, then get it while the getting’s good I say!”

 

But once the flush of the affair has died down, there are consequences. Says business consultant and office affair guru Sarah H, “I think office nookie is like adultery: hard to advise against. Instead, imagine every possible consequence of doing this and, if you can live with them, then do what you’ve gotta do.”

 

Sadly she speaks from experience: “My most memorable office affair was with a very senior manager at the office I worked at. That got a little weird as it wasn’t common knowledge he had left his wife. So when folks found out (and they always do) I was branded a marriage breaker and that was unpleasant. Also the man had a chair fetish and that was just down right uncomfortable!”

 

Before you fall head over heels in the stationary cupboard, it’s worth mulling over if you have any romantic feelings for your colleague, or vice versa. Find out if they single? Check fingers for wedding rings and desks for kiddie photos. If they are a family person, then you need to accept that this is just for kicks and you could well meet their spouse at office functions. And even if they are available, remember that doesn’t mean they’ll fall in love with you. They may hate their job and need an outlet for their frustrations or maybe they think that getting down to business will be good for business. Arming yourself with this knowledge can help stave off daydreams of trips to IKEA, mini breaks and wedding vows.

 

Power pointers

Choosing someone who ranks above or below you is bound to cause problems. Of course sleeping with the powerful, impressive boss may get you a leg up as well as a leg over, while those under you may be willing to do pretty much anything in order to sniff your gusset. But the downside can be jealousy between the two of you and suspicions over any praise, pay rises or promotions from those suspecting your shenanigans.

 

“My instinct is always higher, but then I’m attracted by powerful men,” says Sarah H. “But never, ever, sleep with your boss. If you are tempted, look around at all the other colleagues he has slept with (don’t kid yourself you’re the first) and look how their careers are doing these days. If you can’t see any, it’s because they have all been transferred to the Skegness field office! If you like power, go for his/her boss, or go for an equivalent level from a different department.”

 

Neal likes to keep things on the level: “All my experiences were with people on the same position or from different departments – it was much simpler that way.”

 

Getting “into bed” together

So you’ve weighed up the pros and cons, you have your colleague in your sights and your best pulling pants on. You need to make a pass that could either result in being bent over their desk or won’t harm your reputation if you’re knocked back.

 

“My boss drunkenly dragging me to a meeting room and declaring ‘God I want to fuck you’ netted him hysterical laughter,” remembers Sarah H. ”Riding up in an elevator with my intended victim behind me, lifting my skirt an inch and oh so casually asking ‘are my seams straight?’ as I step off has never failed me!”

 

It’s important to choose your moment. During overtime, company holidays or the Christmas party are prime times to net your target. Says Neal, “A girl from work had been given the Sales Directors’ house keys after she babysat for her kids. So we had a small party there when they were on holiday and ended up fucking in their bedroom, Jacuzzi... it was a nice “fuck you” to the boss!”

 

Check how the land lies

Of course one of the big draws of office sex is the thrill of being caught. But actually being caught is not so fun. “One girl got called to a management meeting five minutes after swallowing my load after, one lunchtime,” says Neal. “She confessed she was terrified in case there was any ‘evidence’ on her clothes or face as she hadn’t had time to check, which was pretty funny. I was never caught, although some people knew about the fling as they’d seen us having a drink one night and put two and two together.”

 

Before getting it on in the IT room, do make sure you’ve checked the area for security cameras and back doors. Mid fumble, do keep an ear out for footsteps. And when you’re spent, make sure you survey the scene for used Johnnies, snail trails, underwear, bottles, butt plugs and anything else you may have pleasured with. Mints and deodorant and also good for masking traces of body fluid or perfume.

 

Moving forward

You used to hate going in to work, but with your affair in full bloom, you’ve a permanent smile on your face your sexiest officeware on your bod. You’re trailing your amour around like a lost puppy and you’re dying to confirm those suspicions whispers by the water cooler that you’re getting it on with the office totty. But however great the sex is, drawing attention to your pervy fun is likely to bring the affair to an end faster than you can spend your Xmas bonus.

 

Remember, your career is likely to last a lot longer than your affair. Be subtle, don’t let your work slip and ration yourself to only checking email every half an hour. Says Sarah H: “Maintain your sense of humour and your perspective and be discreet. What seems sexy and dangerous in the heat of the moment usually looks tacky and sad when posted all over Facebook.”

 

And when you’re still basking in that fluffy, after sex glow, remember it’s far too easy to click “reply all”. Next thing you know, every one of your associates, including the office in India, has an email declaring that your sales manager’s jizz is dripping down your leg.

 

At the end of the day...

All good things come to an end. If you’ve decided to end the affair, make sure you tell them rather than just ignoring their advance – you don’t want to be branded the office bitch nor do you want to cause unnecessary tension. Using the sandwich technique has proven affective in these situations. This involves sandwiching negative feedback between positive comments. So you could say: “You are a great guy, this affair is harming my work so I want it to end, I like your hair...”

 

If you are the one being dumped, don’t give them evils when they’re talking to hot colleagues, don’t diss their work out of hand and, whatever you do, don’t cry at your computer: your colleagues will remember your emotional outburst long after you’ve pulled up your socks up and moved on. If you really need to vent, tell one person that you trust over lunch.

 

The upside is, while office affairs can be a huge distraction, there’s never been a better excuse than heartache to throw yourself back into your job. And, provided it isn’t your boss that’s caused you distress, this renewed dedication has been known to end in promotion.

 

If you do have to work closely with your dumpee, even if your heart is threatening to burst out of your chest, explain that you will be polite, professional and vent your frustrations at the gym at work. Oh and signing them up to every dating site, erectile dysfunction, willy expansion and loan shark website you can find is very childish, but also very, very satisfying.