As soon as we got inside the door, Felicity screamed excitedly and ran to embrace her girlfriends, who immediately made her drink a glass of celebratory champers. She wasn’t going to want to leave for ages, which would have been fine if I’d been able to drink as well. But no – I was stuck in the designated driver’s nightmare: a pub filled exclusively with drunk people. The cabbies were going to make some serious coin out of these people tonight. Much of it through cleaning surcharges.
I wandered over towards the bar. I wouldn’t be leaving for an hour or two, so I could afford one beer. Not knowing anyone in the immediate throng around the beer taps, I pulled out my mobile while I waited for an opening. I marvelled at the background image Nige had provided, which was one of those terribly ironic Photoshopped images of David Hasselhoff, substituting the former Baywatch star’s cheesy grin for the mysterious knowing smile of the Mona Lisa. The wit responsible had called it the Mona Hoffa.
I was wondering whether I should change it for something slightly less crapola when I noticed a little yellow envelope just above Hasselhoff’s thick curls. It was a text message from Zoë.
‘Josh’s been screwing some little skank from work,’ it read. ‘Just thought you’d better know your taste in friends sucks.’
I rang immediately, but it went straight to voicemail. So I left a disjointed, garbled message expressing my sympathy, calling Josh an arsehole, expressing my sympathy again, and telling her to call me.
And then, wanting desperately to do something but knowing I couldn’t, I stood there, temporarily oblivious to the rest of the room while I tried to get my head around what I’d just read. The news left me shocked, and furious with Josh. What on earth had he been thinking? That someone as smart as Zoë wouldn’t find out? God, at least she hadn’t followed through on our little chat and proposed to the guy. The blissful future she’d outlined to me was in absolute devastation. And so, I figured, must she be.
A few minutes later, when I’d finally fought my way to the front of the bar, the phone beeped again. I hastily opened the message.
‘Not really up to talking now. I’ll call you later or maybe in the morning. Thanks though.’
‘Anytime,’ I texted back. ‘I’ll be up for a few hours yet.’
Sure, he’s good-looking and charming, so he must have had no shortage of opportunities, but Josh had never seemed like the kind of guy to play around. He is a placid character, an economics grad who’d gone straight to work for a big stockbroking firm. He’s the kind of guy who likes to tick off his boxes – nice job, nice girlfriend, nice car, holidays. I wondered what on earth had happened.
Sometimes though, when a guy’s been with one woman for a while, he can come to take it for granted and think he can get anyone, and that it’ll always be as good. He can forget that a successful relationship’s about the chemistry between two people, and fancy that he’s just become hugely attractive to the whole of womankind.
When my schooner finally arrived, I decided to go and tell Nige, and see if he had any idea what might’ve been going through Josh’s head. I dragged him away from his friends, and he came a little reluctantly, nursing his own fresh beer from one of several jugs.
He’d had plenty to drink by then so I wasn’t too surprised when his first response was simply to gape a lot, punctuated by several ‘fucks’. Though we’d all been at law school together, Nige and Zoë had never been close whereas like me, he’d known Josh since schooldays. But Nige obviously felt genuinely bad for her, and I was glad to see it.
‘I’ve always thought Josh was a little bit full of himself, you know,’ Nige said. ‘And you know what? Maybe his bit on the side was at the pub with us the other night. There was some little redhead from his work who I hadn’t met before.’
‘Once, I’d have defended him. But this – I don’t know how to take it. I guess I’d better hear his side of the story before rushing to judgement.’
‘Oh come on. I’m not nuts about Zoë the way you are, but even I can tell he doesn’t treat her well. It’s always about what he wants, you know?’
An unexpectedly subtle analysis from Nige. I’d built them up as the perfect couple, but sure, in hindsight, it had sometimes seemed a little one-sided.
‘And really, why some little naïve leftie like her would want to date a big bad broker was always beyond me.’
I didn’t like the characterisation, but I took his point.
‘And vice versa,’ he continued. ‘Geez, can you imagine taking someone like her to a firm event like this? She’d turn up her nose at the whole thing.’
I acknowledged that I couldn’t. But unlike Nige, I didn’t think that reflected poorly on Zoë.
‘I don’t know what to do. I’ll have to meet up with her for a chat later –’
‘You don’t know what to do? Are you kidding me? Buddy, this is the best news you’ve ever had.’
‘Huh?’
‘Oh, come on, don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. You’ve been wanting her for years.’
‘You’re kidding me.’
‘C’mon, we’ve been mates too long for me not to notice. I’ve never called you on it because I figured you’d be embarrassed about it. But geez – whenever you mention her, you get this silly little smile on your face. Jono, you’ve been holding a candle for that girl since first year.’
‘Bullshit. She’s just a really good friend.’
‘Forget the candle. You’ve been holding a big fucking lighthouse for that chick. Now’s your chance. You’ve gotta get in there before someone else does.’
‘Seriously, fuck off,’ I said, and shoved him in the chest.
He laughed, implying that I’d just proven him right. I tried another tactic.
‘Look, I’m just upset that she’s been stuffed around by someone I introduced her to, OK? I wouldn’t want any of my friends hurt like that. You included.’
‘You’ve never reacted like this when I’ve been dumped.’
‘That’s because you’ve never cared enough about anyone to get hurt –’
‘Bollocks, it’s because you don’t want to sleep with me. Which comes as a relief, believe me. Come on, you luuurve her buddy, even if you can’t admit it to yourself. So for once don’t screw this up by denying it. Get in there. Tonight.’
‘That’s just typical of you, Nige. Even if I did have feelings for her, and I’m not admitting for one second that I do, the last thing I’d do is take advantage of her when she’s vulnerable.’
‘Mate, it’d be for her own good. She’s perfect for you. Time for your two bleeding hearts to bleed as one.’
‘Seriously Nige, bugger off. I’m telling you –’
‘OK, OK. Keep on denying it. But when you two inevitably get together, I’m gonna insist on your firstborn being called Nigel.’
‘Fat fucking chance!’
I stormed off, and he just laughed and rejoined the others.
God, why the hell had I gone to him for helpful advice in a crisis? Nige has no idea how to be a good friend to a girl. When he spots a wounded gazelle, he just thinks he’s got a better chance. And Zoë? What if she thought I was planning to make a move when I was only trying to cheer her up?
No – when I’d gotten dumped, she was the one I’d called, and I was damned if Nige’s innuendo was going to stop me from reciprocating. I hated the idea of her lying all alone in her terrace, surrounded by the familiar artefacts of something that had just been destroyed, like the charred remains of household mementos after a bushfire. But for the time being, there was nothing I could do for her.