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THEY STAYED IN BED, lying tangled together and not speaking, for a long time. Almost half an hour. Ruth felt too good to wonder about it or begin her typical mental storm of questions and imagined answers.
That kind of mindless bliss couldn’t last for long. Maybe it could for some people but definitely not for her. Eventually little prickles of worry started to pierce the cloud of satisfaction. Slowly they intensified and expanded until the prickles became a full-fledged panic.
She sat up abruptly, sucking in a ragged breath.
Carter’s eyes had been closed and his breathing slow and even, but he lifted his head at her motion. “You okay?”
She forced a casual smile. “Yeah. Just need to pee.”
She didn’t. It hadn’t been very long since she’d gone earlier. What she needed was to escape for a minute.
“Okay.” He watched her until she got out of bed, pulled down her gown, and limped into the bathroom.
There, she sat on the toilet and tried to breathe slowly, talking herself down from the flare of fear.
She’d made herself completely vulnerable with Carter just now. As vulnerable as she’d ever been in her life. And it wasn’t because of the sexual activity or the particular position she’d been in or how much control over her body he’d had. It wasn’t because of the accident or the concussion or her physical weakness.
It was her heart.
Her heart was completely vulnerable to him, and somehow what had happened between them just now had made that perfectly clear.
She loved him.
She’d tried not to. She’d been telling herself not to fall for him for two and a half months. She’d been telling herself that she wasn’t his type, that he’d never love her back. She’d been telling herself that they’d both been having a good time and that was all it could ever be.
But she’d done it anyway.
She’d stupidly fallen in love.
Which meant she needed him now in every way.
He might finally be recovered from his heartbreak over Summer. He might even have realized that what he’d felt for her wasn’t what he thought. Ruth hoped that was true, for his sake more than her own. But that didn’t mean he was available to her now any more than he’d ever been.
Love disappointed you. At least that was what it had always done to Ruth. And her intense desire to tell Carter of her feelings for him would only lead to the worst disappointment of her life.
It would put him on the spot. It would make him feel bad, guilty. It would destroy all the good things that were real about their relationship.
If he felt the same way, he would say something.
There had to be a limit to how much of herself she exposed to him, how vulnerable she allowed herself to be.
With that resolved in her mind, she flushed the toilet, washed her hands and face, and brushed her teeth. Then she returned to the bedroom.
Carter was still lying on his side, his head on the pillow and his eyes focused on her. She walked back to the bed and sat down on the edge, taking a couple of gulps of water from the bottle on the bedside table.
“Come back to bed, Ruth,” Carter murmured when she put down the bottle and didn’t move.
“I should get up.” She felt heavy. And suddenly so exhausted she could barely keep her eyes open.
“Why?”
“It’s Monday morning. I’ve got work to do. I’m supposed to meet Mrs. Lopez about her master suite at ten.”
“I’m sure Mrs. Lopez would be happy to reschedule. You were in a car accident yesterday. You have a concussion. She’s going to understand.”
“I feel okay today.”
“You don’t look okay. You look pale. Maybe we shouldn’t have done that earlier. It was too much for you.”
She wasn’t looking at him—she couldn’t—but she could hear the worried frown in his tone. “I’m fine. I really am. I’m just tired.”
“So then come back to bed.” He tugged gently on her arm.
She tried to resist but couldn’t. With a soft sigh, she let him pull her back into a reclining position and pull the covers back over them both. He didn’t take her in his arms this time, but he was close, and he was watching her. “Maybe I’ll see if she can reschedule.”
“Yes.” He reached over to stroke her messy hair back from her face. “You were in a car accident. It’s really okay to reschedule.”
Ruth closed her eyes and took another deep breath, blowing it out slowly. “Shouldn’t you be getting up? Aren’t you usually in the office long before seven?”
“Yes.”
When he didn’t move, Ruth turned her head to see what he was doing. “Are you going to go in late?”
“I’m not sure I’m going to go in at all.”
“What? Really?”
He gave a faint shrug. “I don’t have any important meetings today. Just tedious stuff at my desk. I’m exhausted. The only time off I’ve taken this year besides holidays was my pitiful drunken binge last winter. I can probably take a day.”
She couldn’t help but smile. “You can definitely take a day. You’ve got to be exhausted too.”
“I am.” His brown eyes were very dark in the dim light of the room. Soft and searching and tired. “You okay?”
“I’m okay. I’m going to text Mrs. Lopez. Then I might go back to sleep.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
Ruth reached for her phone, sent the text, and then curled up on her side. She faced away from Carter since she was feeling emotional again, which meant she couldn’t be sure what might come babbling out of her mouth.
Her strategic position didn’t actually work. Carter had sent a text message from his phone too, and then he moved against her back, spooning her from behind.
She let him. She wanted him to. And she was just barely able to keep the swell of emotion from spilling out into words until she went to sleep.
***
THEY SLEPT LATE. IT was well after ten when Ruth finally got up and took a shower. She didn’t have many clothes over there, but a couple of weeks ago she’d left a pair of soft fleece pajamas, so she changed into those since she wasn’t planning to go anywhere anytime soon.
Carter had gotten up when she had, and he’d obviously had similar ideas about appropriate clothes for the day. He came out of his room, wearing sweats and a long-sleeved T-shirt from their old high school.
“You look very cozy,” he said with a smile as his eyes ran up and down her body.
She gave him a half-hearted scowl. “So do you.”
“I’m planning to lie around and do nothing all day.”
“Me too.”
“Good.” He pulled her into a soft hug. “That’s what I was hoping you’d say.”
When they got downstairs, Mrs. Wilson was bustling around, getting ready to go to a yoga class and then have lunch with some of her friends. She didn’t appear to find it surprising that Ruth and Carter had canceled their days and were planning to stay in. She asked the housekeeper to fix them something good for breakfast and then told them there was a fire still going in the library, so they might as well go and enjoy it. They could have breakfast in there.
Ruth saw no reason to argue with that suggestion. She went to the library and curled up on the sofa near the fireplace.
It was warm and toasty and felt like the holidays, even more so when breakfast came. Eggs, sausage, bacon, and waffles with fruit. Plus coffee and hot chocolate.
She and Carter ate on the couch. They ate a lot, and all of it was delicious. It was almost noon when Carter pushed the cart with the dirty dishes out into the hallway and shut the door.
“That was really good,” she said, smiling up at him from the couch. She was full now and suddenly tired again. She grabbed a cashmere throw from a chair and used it to cover up with.
“It was.” Carter went to poke at the fire.
She admired his tight butt in the thin cotton of his sweats with leisurely interest. “It feels like it should be Christmas.”
“It does kind of. But we still have a couple of weeks to go.”
“I know.”
Carter sat down on the foot of the couch. He gazed at her for a long time. His mouth opened a couple of times like he was going to say something.
For a few moments Ruth’s heartbeat accelerated. It felt like something was about to happen.
Something she really wanted to happen.
But she was fooling herself again. She’d obviously never stop doing that. Carter gave his head a brief shake and stood up.
He paced the room. Poked at the fire again. Looked at his phone. Then ended up sitting on the piano bench.
He began to riff softly. She recognized the tune—“The Little Drummer Boy.”
Stretching out more comfortably on the couch and telling herself not to expect miracles to happen, she said, “That’s nice.”
“I’m not really that great on the piano.”
“You sound pretty good to me. Some Christmas songs might put me in the holiday spirit.”
He smiled and nodded, looking as relieved as she was for something constructive to do.
He played for about twenty minutes, moving from Christmas carols to schmaltzy holiday songs. Ruth closed her eyes and tried to enjoy it. Tried to think happy, Christmas thoughts and not about how much more from Carter she wanted.
It didn’t work. She couldn’t think of anything else.
And then he moved into a familiar tune. One that caused a bittersweet ache of memory that rushed over her, overwhelmed her. “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” The notes he played were slower than they should have been. Almost haunting. Then he started to sing.
It wasn’t like his proposal. It was softer. Not dramatic or splashy. His singing was slow and soulful and strangely poignant, like he was as emotionally on the edge the way she was. She felt every note and every word in his warm, rich baritone. She felt it all the way down to her bones.
She was shaking helplessly when he reached the end of the song.
I just want you for my own
More than you can ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is you.
She covered her face with her hands and wept into her palms.
“Ruth?” He’d stood up from the piano bench. She couldn’t see him, but she heard the difference in his voice.
“Carter, please don’t. Please don’t!” She was sobbing helplessly now.
“Oh shit, baby. I’m so sorry. I tried not to. I really did try.”
She had no idea what he was talking about. She couldn’t stop crying. She couldn’t lower her hands from her face.
He’d hurried over and was sitting on the couch beside her. She felt his weight shift the cushions. “I didn’t mean to make you cry, but I just can’t seem to help... I know you said we would never work. I know that should have been my answer. But it feels so wrong. It can’t possibly be right. I know I’m supposed to be a good guy and just take the road that’s been laid out for me. I know if I don’t do that it will affect everyone around me. But I can’t... I can’t do it. I don’t want to run away anymore. And maybe this is the most selfish thing I’ve ever done in my life, but I have to at least... I have to at least try to get what I want.”
His words were spilling out of him in a way she’d never heard before. He didn’t talk like that. He didn’t babble stuff out the way she did. She had no idea what was happening, but she did manage to wipe her face and lower her hands. She blinked at him through the remaining tears. “What?”
That was what she said. What?
Carter reached over and took her face in his hands. His eyes were blazing with feeling. “Don’t you think there’s even a chance for us, Ruth? I’d never expect everything right away. But I love you so much. I want you so much. And I don’t care if it wasn’t supposed to be real. It is real. It has to be. I can’t be making this up. We’re so good together. You’ve made me come alive in a way no one else ever has. No one. Ever. And I think I could... I could be good for you too. If you’d let me. I don’t want the road laid out for me. I want this one. I want your road.”
She was so stunned she made a squeaky sound. It was all she was capable of expressing.
Carter evidently took it as a response. He continued, his face transformed with deep tenderness. “Didn’t you think this morning meant something? It had to mean something. It was so much more than sex. I couldn’t be so wrong about it. Ruth, I love you. Don’t you think there’s even the slightest chance you could learn to love me too?”
She sobbed again and this time couldn’t hide it with her hands since he still had her face in his strong grip.
Carter’s face twisted, and he let her go. “Is that a no?”
“No!” she burst out. “No, it’s not a no! I love you too! I love you more than anything!”
He blinked. “What?”
At least in these most important emotional moments, he was no more articulate than she was.
She swiped away her tears with the sleeves of her pajamas. “I love you, Carter. I have almost from the beginning. But I didn’t think you could ever—”
“You love me? For real?” His voice broke on the last two words.
“Yeah. I really do.”
He made a strange helpless sound and pulled her into his arms, hugging her so tightly she could barely breathe for a few seconds. Then he mumbled against her ear, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
At that, she gasped indignantly and pushed him back so she could glare at him. “Why didn’t I tell you?”
“Yeah.” His smile was sheepish. Adorable. “You’re always so good about saying what you think. I assumed you would have said something—”
She gave him a playful swat on the chest. “I was trying not to be needy and clingy. If you’ve felt this way for a while, then why didn’t you tell me?”
“I thought I did. I told you I wanted to make it real. You said it would never work.”
She frowned as she thought back, reinterpreting that previous conversation now with the full context. “I didn’t think you were in love with me!” she burst out. “I thought you just wanted to go along with it because it was the road in front of you. Because it was easy and convenient.”
“Are you serious? Who the hell would get married just because it was easy and convenient if they weren’t actually in love?” There was a glint of humor visible beneath the exaggerated indignation on his face.
Ruth’s mouth dropped open before she realized he was teasing. With an outraged sound, she tackled him, and they wrestled around playfully for a minute before they settled together on the couch.
Carter was on top of her. He gazed down at her with naked devotion. “I love you, Ruth.”
“I love you too.”
“I want everything between us to be real.”
“I want that too.” She could barely breathe around the swell of joy. “We can take this as slow as you want. But can I please keep wearing this engagement ring? I want that proposal you gave me to be the real one.”
“It is the real one,” he murmured hoarsely. “All of what happened between us is real. I want to be engaged to you. And I’d be happy to marry you anytime you want. This love is real. And it’s forever.”
She shook again with emotion, but fortunately this time managed it without tears. In the back of her mind, she knew she should probably be careful. Guys, after all, didn’t like to be crowded or rushed or pressured. But she’d never been good at being careful, so what she was thinking spilled out into words. “So we can maybe get married on Christmas?”
He grew still, and she would have been worried had his eyes not shattered with joy. “Yes. If that’s what you want, then nothing could make me happier.”
He kissed her then. And they kept on kissing until they were making love on the couch in front of the fire. And they didn’t stop kissing even then. And not even after both of them were fully sated and relaxed in hot, blissful aftermath.
In fact, they didn’t stop kissing until they heard Mrs. Wilson at the front entrance of the house, announcing her presence with her typical scattered exuberance.
They jumped into action after that, pulling back on their clothes and recovering their equilibrium.
So they were ready when Mrs. Wilson made her appearance in the room. She didn’t seem to think anything was strange about their tousled condition or their giddiness.
In fact, she was almost as thrilled as they were when she heard the news about an impromptu wedding.
***
ON CHRISTMAS MORNING, Ruth woke up while it was still dark in the room. She’d slept in Carter’s bed that night, but they’d both gone to sleep early, and they hadn’t had sex. She woke up feeling mostly rested and as excited as she used to be on Christmas mornings.
Maybe more so. Because today was Christmas, and she was also getting married to Carter.
She giggled to herself in the dark.
“Seriously?” Carter mumbled from the other side of the bed. He’d turned over onto his stomach sometime during the night, and his head was facing away from her.
She laughed again and reached over to stroke his bare back.
He rolled to face her. It was too dark to see his expression clearly. “Is it entirely necessary for you to wake up before the crack of dawn?”
“Why are you asking me that? You’re the one who usually gets up at ungodly hours. I like to sleep in until at least seven.”
“And yet it’s just after five. And you’re wide awake and laughing about something.” He was putting on the pose of being grumpy, but she knew he wasn’t. She could always tell the difference.
“I’m laughing out of pure happiness,” she admitted. “It’s Christmas, and I get to marry you today.”
She could feel him smiling in the dark for a minute. Then with a quick, unexpected move, he rolled over on top of her.
“Wow!” She reached up to stroke his messy hair and stubbly jaw. “That’s pretty active for someone whining about it being the crack of dawn.”
“It’s before the crack of dawn,” he corrected her. He leaned down to nuzzle the crook of her neck, making her squeal when he nibbled a sensitive spot just under her ear. “And I never whine.”
“If you say so.” Her whole body was shaking with laughter, and she literally couldn’t stop smiling. “But if you’re hoping to get lucky this morning, your hopes are doomed to disappointment. We have to save it for our wedding night tonight.”
“Really? You don’t think we can manage both?”
“I don’t want to be sore today and have to limp down the aisle because you accidently got carried away. You are rather athletic in bed, you know.”
“I thought I was a nice guy, and nice guys aren’t very adventurous.”
“I had absolutely no idea what I was talking about when I said that. Nice guys are definitely where it’s at.”
He chuckled. He was still poised over her, but he wasn’t making any moves. If she indicated in any way that she wasn’t in the mood for sex, he’d never pressure or guilt her about it. Never make her feel bad in any way. “I’m glad you’ve finally come to that conclusion. I’ll be happy to prove it to you again.” He kissed her softly. “And I can be gentle whenever you need me to be.”
“I know you can.” Her voice broke slightly, which was absolutely ridiculous.
“I need to turn a light on,” he said in a different tone. “I can’t see your face very well, so I can’t read your expression.”
“Why does that matter?”
“Because it sounded just now like you were about to cry, and I wanted to see if you were.”
“I wasn’t,” she assured him with more confidence than accuracy. “Just had a frog in my throat.”
He gave a breathy laugh and kissed her again, this time more slowly. “I’d still like to verify that for myself.”
“Well, too bad. It’s way too early to turn the light on. Plus we aren’t supposed to see each other before the wedding anyway.”
“How the hell is that supposed to work? It’s Christmas, and it’s ages until the wedding. I can’t be expected not to see you all day long. What kind of Christmas would that be?”
“Not a very good one,” she admitted. “I guess we’ll have to break with tradition then.”
“I think we’re breaking with tradition in a lot of ways. For instance, we got engaged before we said we loved each other.”
“That is kind of nontraditional. But at least we didn’t go Summer and Lincoln’s route and get married before we fell in love. Twice in one family would be way too much.”
“Definitely too much. Hey, Ruth, let me just say this.”
Ruth froze at his altered tone. Her heart started to race. “What?”
“I love you more than anything, and that’s never going to change. I thought I understood what love was before, but I’m not sure I ever did. I tried to love things by not letting them get away from me and then falling apart when they did. I did it with Lincoln. I did it with Summer.” He paused as he cleared his throat. “I did it with my dad. But that’s not love. That was trying to force the world into some vision of what I thought it should be and then resisting when people didn’t fit that narrow vision. I did it to myself too. I don’t think I’ve ever been as fully myself as I’ve been in the months since I met you.”
She wanted to say something. She wanted to tell him how deeply she understood. But he was still on a roll, so she didn’t interrupt.
“So I’ll marry you any time, any day, from now until the end of our lives. But I know this has happened kind of quickly. And I don’t want you to feel rushed or pressured because you might have blurted out something on the spur of the moment about getting married on Christmas and then I latched onto it and didn’t let it go. So if you’re nervous at all, if you’re not absolutely sure that you want to do this today, you can tell me. I’ll understand. We can wait. Until whenever you want. Or we can stay engaged for the rest of our lives and never tie the knot. I’m happy with anything as long as I can be with you. As long as I can be me... with you.”
She was definitely rather melty as she reached up to cup his face. “I want to marry you today, Carter Wilson,” she whispered. “I want to be me with you, and I want you to be you with me for the rest of our lives. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. I want to marry you today.”
“Okay.” His voice was low and textured. “Good.”
They kissed for another minute, but Ruth was careful about her hands since she’d told him the truth about not wanting to have sex until they were married this evening. After a little while, Carter rolled off her with a groan. “Okay.”
“Okay what?”
“If we’re not having sex, then we’re going to have to have breakfast in bed. One aspect of my carnal nature has got to be indulged this morning. And if it’s not my dick, it’s going to have to be my stomach.”
“You want me to go down and fix us something?”
He frowned at her. She couldn’t see it, but she could hear it in his voice. “Of course not. I’m going to fix it. It’s your wedding day, after all.”
“It’s your wedding day too!” she called after him, but he was already pulling a T-shirt over his head and leaving the room.
***
THEY HAD A LOVELY BREAKFAST in bed early and then another one at ten with Mrs. Wilson, Lincoln, and Summer, who’d come over to exchange presents and then help with the preparations for the wedding.
Despite Mrs. Wilson’s exuberant attempts to add more guests, they’d kept the wedding small. Only twenty people were invited—mostly family and their very close friends—and they were having the wedding at the house with a dinner afterward.
Even though it was Christmas and very short notice, everyone they’d invited had enthusiastically accepted the invitation. Even Brent and the boys. Kayla was one of Ruth’s two bridesmaids.
Summer, who was the other of her bridesmaids, had brought in a stylist to do their hair, makeup, and nails in the afternoon and a massage therapist to give them massages. Kayla was thrilled with the special treatment. And honestly so was Ruth. She definitely wasn’t used to this kind of thing.
They laughed and chatted and relaxed and got beautified for a couple of hours. Afterward, when Kayla went downstairs to check in with her dad to make sure he wouldn’t get caught up with television and forget about the wedding, Summer turned to Ruth and said, “She’s lovely. I really like her.”
“Yeah,” Ruth replied, preening as if she’d been given the compliment herself. “She’s really great.”
“I’m so glad you and Carter are doing this,” Summer said. She looked gorgeous in perfect makeup and an elegant updo. She was wearing a pretty bathrobe since she hadn’t yet put on her dress. “Lincoln and I are so happy about the whole thing. Carter hasn’t been like this since... I don’t know when. You wouldn’t realize it because you didn’t know him before, but he’s like a new man.”
“I kind of feel like a new person too.” Ruth felt a little self-conscious, so she studied her beautifully manicured nails. “And what makes it even better is that I don’t just get Carter. It feels like I get a family too.”
Summer reached over to give her a half hug—one cognizant of not smearing any makeup. “I’ve never had a sister. And I was an orphan. I don’t know if you knew that or not. I never really had a family except for the Wilsons. So anytime I get to grow my new family is really special to me.”
Ruth glanced down at Summer’s belly. “I guess you’re growing it in more than one way.”
“Shh.” Summer’s cheeks were pink, and she put her hand on her stomach. “We’re not telling anyone else until after the wedding. We are not going to let our news compete with your big day.”
“That’s really sweet, but it’s okay if—”
“No, no, no. We’re not going to do it. Lincoln never should have spilled the beans so soon.”
Lincoln had announced a few nights ago that he and Summer were expecting their first child. She was three months along in the pregnancy. Ruth was really happy for them, and she didn’t think it was a problem if more people found out on the day of her wedding. But it was incredibly considerate of Summer to make a point of not drawing attention away from her today.
“He’s just excited,” Ruth said with a smile. “I don’t know Lincoln all that well yet, but it seems like if he feels something, he doesn’t hold it in very well.”
Summer laughed. “That’s pretty much true.”
“Then he’s like me. I can totally empathize.”
“But he’ll keep the secret today. I promise he will. Today is just about you and Carter.”
Unable to resist the impulse, Ruth said rather primly, “And Jesus.”
“What?”
“Today is about Jesus. It’s his birthday after all.”
Summer broke into more laughter. “Exactly right. Today is about you and Carter... and Christmas.”
***
THE WEDDING CEREMONY was at five o’clock in the candlelit marble foyer of the house. Kayla, Summer, and Ruth processed down the formal staircase accompanied by the music of a string quartet. Kayla and Summer wore deep green, and Ruth wore white with a bouquet of red roses. She walked from the stairs to where Carter was waiting in his tux beside the pastor and Lincoln and Lance, who were his groomsmen.
The ceremony only lasted about twenty minutes. It was beautiful and simple and traditional, and Ruth loved it.
Afterward, Savannah took some photos (she did that for a living), and then they all gathered around the large table in the dining room to eat dinner.
Ruth couldn’t have asked for anything better. More fitting. Or anything that felt closer to family for her. They ate and drank and talked and laughed and toasted and even did a little dancing for several hours until the guests finally left.
Carter had offered to take Ruth to a fancy hotel for their wedding night. After all, they were leaving for a honeymoon trip to Hawaii the following day, so it would have been perfectly natural.
But Ruth had told him she’d rather just stay there. In the house. Where it felt like home. They had plenty of privacy, after all. They had the whole wing to themselves. And the day had been plenty special.
She didn’t need a strange room in a fancy hotel to make tonight feel special too.
She took a bath and changed into a slinky, ruby-red nightgown. (She should have worn white for her wedding night, but she looked better in red and it was Christmas.) When she came out, Carter had sprinkled rose petals on the bed and poured them both glasses of champagne.
“You did not,” she said, feeling rather sappy at Carter’s preparations.
He chuckled and stepped over toward her to offer her the glass. “Well. I felt like I had to do something to mark the occasion.”
She took a sip of the champagne. “I love you, Carter Wilson. You know that, right?”
“I’m starting to suspect it’s not just a figment of my imagination.” His lips were turned up in a small smile. His eyes were very tender.
“It’s not. I love you. And it feels like a Christmas miracle that I get to be your bride.”
He stepped over to kiss her. “It’s a miracle to me too.”
When he pulled away, she took another sip of the champagne as an idea popped into her head. “I want to have sex with my husband tonight.”
“Well, good. Because your husband definitely wants to have sex with you.”
Before he could reach for her again, she said, “But first I’m hoping you’ll give me one more present.”
“Um, if it’s what I’m thinking, I’m already ready to go.” His eyes flared hot. “You know I’m happy to do that for you whenever you want.”
“Not that,” Ruth said, shaking with amusement. She sat down on the side of the bed. “A different present.”
“Just name it, and it’s yours.”
“I want you to sing for me.”
Carter blinked. “Really?”
“Really. Sing for me. Please?”
“Of course I will. What song do you want—”
“You know what song.” She gave him a wobbly smile. “Will you?”
He didn’t answer. He just put down his champagne flute, humming a few bars to find the right key since he was singing a cappella.
Then he gave her his final Christmas gift for the year.