Much to Ash’s relief, the surgery went well. Drew had come home that same night and was recuperating in bed when the doorman called from downstairs.
“A Rabbi Fine to see you?”
“Send him up, please.”
He hustled to the bedroom to tell Drew, but found him sleeping. He tucked the comforter around him and kissed his cheek. The doorbell rang, and not knowing what to do or say to Rabbi Fine, Ash decided he’d let the man do the talking.
A tall man with a slight beard stood before him when he opened the door. “You must be Ash. I’m Jonah.” He extended his hand and Ash took it.
“Yes, please come inside. Drew, unfortunately, is sleeping. The aftereffects of the surgery and medication. But he came through it well.”
Ash led Jonah to the living room and got him seated. Jonah declined a drink and Ash sat across from him.
“I’m glad it went well. He was so worried, moreso about his grandmother and you than about himself.”
For the first time that day, Ash smiled. “That I can believe. Drew is always more concerned about everyone other than himself. And Esther is a very special woman.”
“She certainly sounds like it. He told me her story, and it’s remarkable.”
“It’s crazy how such incredible tragedy makes some people strong.” Ash thought of his brothers and himself and how they survived their foster father’s abuse and terror.
“That’s the nature of the human spirit. Some people are lucky to have that determination and driving will to live and won’t let anything stand in their way.” Jonah’s warm gaze met his, and Ash could see why Drew had been so drawn to him.
“I was the opposite before I met Drew. I lived a pretty self-destructive life. Looking back on it now, I’m amazed I’m still alive.” Before he knew it, he’d told Jonah about the abuse, the self-harm, and the empty life he had before he met Drew.
“Once I heard Esther’s story, something in me shifted. If a person who’d seen the very worst of life could still believe in love, maybe there was hope for me as well.”
Jonah stroked his beard. “We must always have hope. It’s what’s carried my people for thousands of years.” His eyes twinkled. “Hope and a few miracles along the way.”
“Sometimes I still think it’s a miracle I made it through my youth and found Drew.”
“Maybe a bit of luck along with that miracle? You finding all your brothers qualifies for that in my eyes.” Jonah’s face turned grave. “Don’t diminish what you went through. It doesn’t disappear simply because you have that safety in your relationship with Drew, which, from the way your faces light up whenever you speak of each other, I can tell is wonderful and strong. I’m sure you have someone to speak to regularly about it?”
“Yes, and he says the same things you did.”
“Rabbis often wear two hats: spiritual advisor and therapist.”
“Ash?” He heard a voice from the opposite side of the apartment.
“That’s Drew. Let me tell him you’re here, and I’ll bring you in to see him.” Ash rose from his chair.
“Hey, Ash? I know I came to offer Drew comfort, but I hope you’re taking care as well. And I hope our talk helped.”
It was peaceful sitting and talking with Jonah. Everything he said made sense, and some of the nerves rattling inside him settled down. For that, Ash would forever be grateful.
“More than you know, Jonah.”
Because of Drew’s surgery, the holiday celebration had been moved to their apartment, Esther was coming to see Drew for herself, which meant Ash had hired a service to clean the house. Propped up with several pillows on the couch, Drew watched him pace back and forth, his eyes bright with amusement.
“Who would’ve thought Ash Davis would be worried about whether we have the right kind of tea or if the bathroom has hand towels.” He laughed and then winced. Ash smirked.
“Serves you right for making fun of me. I want to make sure Esther’s comfortable. She’s never been here before, and I want everything to be perfect.”
For the first time since he and Drew were together, the family wouldn’t be celebrating the holiday at Esther’s house, as it would still be too painful for Drew to travel. With Esther coming earlier than everyone else, Ash made the decision to give her his gift with only the three of them present.
The doorbell rang and he hurried over to answer it. Esther stood in her warm coat with a bright scarf wrapped around her neck, Tina and Louisa behind her. One of the porters carried two heavy shopping bags.
“Come on in. Hi, Jerry.”
“Hello, Mr. Davis. Where would you like me to put this?”
“In the kitchen would be fine.”
He dug his wallet from his pocket and took out a bill. When Jerry returned, he pressed it into his hand. “Thank you. I have more family coming in a little while. You can tell them to come right up.”
“My pleasure. Your grandmother is a lovely woman. And I’ll let Gregor know. He’s the concierge tonight.”
“Jerry, remember I’m going to make extra latkes for you and the others tonight.” Esther’s bright blue eyes were merry with laughter.
“Oh, I won’t forget, Esther.” He chuckled. “I hear Mr. Davis helps you, so we all want to taste them.”
Ash’s eyes twinkled as he walked him to the door with his hand on his shoulder. “I’ll have you know I am an excellent latke-maker. My flipping proficiency is legendary.”
Jerry left, and when he joined everyone in the living room, she had already re-fluffed Drew’s pillows, taken out some cookies, and was rummaging around in another bag.
“Ah, here it is.” She drew out a beautiful silver menorah. “I was waiting for the right time to give this to you. She placed it on the coffee table. “You will have to decide where to keep it.”
“Keep it?” Drew’s brow furrowed. “What are you talking about? This is yours.”
“I know it is. But I’m thinking you should have it. You and Asher. You never know if you’ll have a family one day, and even if you don’t, I’m giving it to you as a Chanukah present.”
“But Rachel—”
“I’ve already given Rachel your parents’ menorah. This is the one your grandfather and I bought when we moved into the house.” Her pink-tipped fingers stroked the intricately swirled silver. “We’ve been lighting this for almost sixty years. Now you and Asher should light it for sixty more together.”
Ash sat next to Drew and took his hand. “Esther, that’s beautiful. And I’m honored to accept the menorah as a family heirloom.”
“I know how much family means to you, Asher. You’re like my blood. You and Michael both. I love you like my own.”
Those words never failed to hit him like an emotional punch in the gut. In his therapy appointments he discussed his continuing feelings of unworthiness of being loved by Drew and Esther. No matter that he and Drew were married, the nightmares still plagued him. The time was right for him to give Esther his gift, and his heart kicked up with a combination of excitement and fear.
“Before everyone else comes, I wanted to give you something, Esther.”
Drew’s eyes gleamed. “It’s so special, Nana, he wouldn’t even tell me what he bought.”
Ash leaned over and kissed him. “That’s because I didn’t buy anything. You’ll see.” He left them sitting in the living room and crossed the apartment to his office, where he picked up the file. Ash opened it for a moment, then, clutching it with slightly sweaty fingers, retraced his steps to Esther and Drew.
He stood in the entranceway to the living room, recalling all the unbearable nights as a child enduring Munson’s brutal attacks and the long, lonely years of sex with anonymous men. These two people found him and saved his life. He’d married one. Now it was Esther’s turn.
Drew’s voice pulled him back to reality.
“Ash? Is everything okay?”
Allowing a brief smile to touch his lips, Ash ignored Drew’s question and walked to Esther and kneeled at her side.
“Asher, sit next to me. Don’t sit on the floor.”
“Esther.” Still holding on to the file, he took her soft hand in his. “I love you. And I don’t need a holiday to tell me that miracles can happen, because having you in my life is a miracle I still don’t believe I deserve.”
Her lips pursed and she squeezed his hand. “Don’t say that. It upsets me that after all these years you still feel that way about yourself. You have no idea how special you are to me. To everyone. We love you.”
He brought their entwined fingers to his lips and gave them a kiss. “And I love you. Which is why, after all these years, I think it’s the right time to do this.” He handed her the file. “Happy Chanukah, Esther.”
“Asher? What’s going on?” She made no move to open it.
“You’ll need to open it first.” He stood and took his seat next to Drew. Noticing Drew’s grimace, he checked his watch. “Is it time for your pain meds?”
Drew waved him off. “I’m fine.” He caught Ash’s fingers with his and lowered his voice. “What did you do?”
“Something I always wanted but didn’t think possible. Until now,” Ash murmured, and raised his voice to normal. “Esther, go ahead please.”
She pulled out a sheaf of papers and began to read. After scanning the pages for a moment, her eyes grew wide and her mouth hung open. Her stunned gaze shot to Ash’s, then returned to the documents in her hand.
“Asher…I don’t…what…” She set the papers down and wiped her eyes. “My darling boy, come here.”
“Will someone please tell me what’s going on?” Drew glared at him but for the first time, Ash’s main concern wasn’t Drew.
He returned to Esther’s side and she laid her hand on his cheek. “You drew these papers up?”
“I had a judge who’s a friend of mine prepare it. I can never file the documents because with Drew and I married, it wouldn’t be legal. But I wanted you to know how I felt. And what you mean to me.”
“But this?”
“It’s all I’ve ever wanted.” He covered her hand with his. “When I was little, I dreamed of having a real family. A mother and father who’d want me and love me the way I am. Then I saw the ugly side of life and knew that wasn’t ever going to happen for me.” A stab of pain shot through him, and he closed his eyes for a moment. “Until I met you. Knowing you, Esther, gave me faith that life might turn out okay. You’re the person who believed in me even when I’d given up on myself and I just wanted…I needed to tell you…”
Words didn’t often fail him, but they did at that moment, trying to express what this lady meant to him.
“Darling Asher. I don’t need a piece of paper to prove you’re a part of me. But to know that you did this for us is as much of a miracle as the story of Chanukah. I’ve had so much pain in my life, from losing my family in the war, living through the horror of what I saw in the camps, to losing my only child.”
Anguish twisted in his chest at all this woman had been through yet survived with so much dignity, grace, and forgiveness. He held her hand as tightly as he dared as she continued to speak.
“There were days I thought of giving up. But something told me it wasn’t time yet. And now I know why.” Her sweet smile curled around his heart. “I was waiting for you, my darling, sweet son. Finding love is always the greatest miracle of all.”
“If someone doesn’t tell me what’s happening, I’m going to get up and take those papers myself.” Drew’s irritated voice broke the silence.
“If you do, you’ll be in trouble,” Ash said mildly.
“Drew,” Esther said, “Asher has drawn up adoption papers between us.” Her eyes glimmered. “I’m going to treasure this forever. I don’t need a court to tell me you’re my child. I’ve loved you from the first.”
Drew screwed up his face. “I still don’t understand.”
“Baby, I always wanted a family to belong to.” Ash returned to the couch and put his hands on Drew’s shoulders, gazing into his eyes. “And while I know our marriage gave me that connection, I wanted to go one step further to show Esther how important she is to me. So I had Judge Federer of the Family Court draw up adoption papers, making Esther my mother. I can’t file them because in the convoluted court system that would make me your uncle, and our marriage would be illegal. So the papers are a symbol of my relationship with Esther. She’s the mother I never had.”
A twinkle lit Drew’s eyes. “Does that mean now if you get out of line, I can call her and she can deal with you? You know you’re a lot to handle.”
Ash leaned forward to whisper in Drew’s ear. “You’re the only one I want handling me. You do it so damn well.” He stroked Drew’s curls. God only knew where he’d be if Esther hadn’t asked Drew to check on him after they had their heart-to-heart talk. She’d peeled back those inner layers he’d hidden behind and didn’t judge him. Esther was pure love—a miracle person—and she deserved to be celebrated.
“That’s the most wonderful gift I’ve ever seen anyone give.” Drew skated the pad of his thumb over Ash’s cheek, his green eyes shiny. “You’ve broken past all those chains you had yourself wrapped in since we first met to become the most loving and devoted husband and best friend I could’ve ever imagined. I never believed I deserved to be this happy, but you’ve made it possible. Doing this for my grandmother is more than a simple gift for the holiday. It’s life-changing.”
“I wanted Esther to know how much I love her.” Careful not to jar Drew, he held him close, breathing in his scent. “She’s the reason I have you. I owe her everything.”
“I love you so much. It all means nothing if I don’t have you to share it with.”
A meow sounded and Domino walked into the room, straight to Esther, and wound himself around her ankles, his loud purr reverberating throughout the room.
“Oh, he still remembers me.” Esther bent to stroke Domino’s fur and Ash’s lips twitched.
“He loves everyone but me.”
“Don’t worry, I have enough love for both of us.” Drew kissed his cheek.
The doorbell rang, and Ash returned Drew’s kiss and left him to answer it. A crowd awaited him in the hallway.
“Don’t tell me you all came together?” Ash stepped to the side to let Jordan and Luke inside, followed by Brandon and Tash and Mike and Rachel. As soon as Max saw Ash, he reached his arms out.
“Ash, Ash! Me, me.”
“Come here, big boy.” Ash took him from Mike’s arms and swung him around as they walked into the living room.
“Careful, Ash.” Rachel kissed his cheek. “He just had a snack. You wouldn’t want him to get sick all over you. Hi, Nana.” She greeted Esther, then rushed to Drew’s side.
“Don’t you dare get up, or I’ll kill you.”
“I love you too, Rach.”
Back from the kitchen, Tina and Louisa flanked Esther, who placed the file with the papers on the table in front of her.
Recalling Rachel’s earlier warning, Ash halted a swing in midair, and Jordan snickered.
“Now why’d you have to go and spoil my fun, Rach?”
With Max tucked against his chest, Ash patted Jordan on his cheek. “You know you love me.”
Unsmiling, Jordan held his gaze. “Yeah. I kind of do. You’ve grown on me.”
“Well, they say this is a season for miracles, and I think we witnessed one right here.” Luke slid his arm around Ash’s shoulders.
Brandon’s face lit up. “I still think the fact that we’re all here celebrating together after so many years apart is a miracle. I know I never thought I’d see Luke or Ash again.” He hooked his arm through Tash’s. “And I never expected to find someone like Tash and fall in love. Families like this didn’t exist in real life, or so I thought until I found you all.”
Ash gave Max to Mike and sat on the opposite side of Drew from Rachel. “What we have here is special. We’ve come from different places in the world and in life. In reality we shouldn’t be here. Luke, Brandon, and myself were throwaway kids. And God only knows there were times I wished I’d never been born.”
Drew’s hand crept into his.
“But I wake up every day with Drew, and know I’m damn lucky to have found him. I know this is a holiday about a miracle that happened thousands of years ago, but me being here with all of you is proof enough that miracles can still happen.”
“If this is a moment for confessions of love,” Jordan said, his arms wrapped around Luke, “then let me add my voice. Without Luke, I’d probably be dead. His love saved me from destroying myself.”
“I love you too.” Luke kissed Jordan. “And I’ve learned the importance of forgiveness. Without that, I’d be alone, hating Ash and missing Brandon.”
Ash winced at hearing that, but he was grateful he and Luke had battled through their problems and were closer than ever.
Esther beckoned him and he jumped up and hurried to her side. “What is it?”
“It’s time to make the latkes. You need to show me where your kitchen is.”
He chuckled and like he’d seen in old movies, held out his arm. “This way.” Louisa held her other arm, and they made their way to the kitchen.
Knowing Drew’s surgery would wipe everything else from his mind, in the days leading up to the first night of the holiday, he’d bought all the ingredients they’d need.
“I think I got everything, right?” Anxiously, he waited for Esther’s approval.
“Perfect,” she said with a firm nod of approval. “Let’s get to work.”
Esther had agreed to forgo the traditional box shredder and conceded to use a food processor to shred the potatoes, therefore cutting the prep time in half. He’d even bought pre-chopped onions but hid them from Drew, knowing he’d get teased for it.
“They look delicious, don’t they?” Esther spooned out two more as he made room in the pan.
He smiled at the satisfied note in her voice. “The best.”
Within minutes, the smell of the frying latkes rose in the air and one by one, everyone trickled into the kitchen except, Ash noticed, Drew. Rachel put Max in the high chair they’d bought him for his visits, and he handed her the spatula.
“I’ll be right back.”
Finding Drew struggling to stand, Ash set his jaw in a hard line and stormed over to him. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” He put his arm around Drew’s waist to steady him.
“Trying to stand. I wanted to be with you.” A fine sheen of sweat had broken out over Drew’s face. “I’m not sick, you know.”
“I know, baby. And I intend to keep it that way.” Careful not to rush him but aware of Drew’s need to prove he was still in control, Ash led him to the dining room where he’d had his housekeeping service set the table the night before. From the kitchen he smelled not only the latkes but the brisket, and his heart expanded at the now-familiar scents and rituals he and Drew shared. He pulled out the chair for Drew and waited until he was seated. “One second. I forgot something.” He raced into the living room and returned with the menorah and set it in the middle of the side table, where it rested in its shining glory.
Everything that mattered to him was in this room, and if the outside world ceased to exist, he’d be fine without it. He’d lived through the hell of the worst of times and intended to embrace the best.
Everyone entered from the kitchen, holding bowls of steaming chicken soup, except Rachel, who held on to Max. They placed one at each setting; then Mike returned with the high chair, and Rachel slipped the little boy into his seat and gave him a bowl of his own cooler version.
Esther remained standing and waved Ash over to her. “Come now. It’s time to light the candles.” Since he and Drew had been together, Esther had asked him to light the candles.
“It brings you closer to us to be part of our traditions,” Drew said after the first time.
“I like getting closer to you,” He pounced on Drew and took his mouth in a bruising kiss. “Next to you and inside you.”
Ash caught Drew’s eye and Drew gave him that slow smile and winked, an indication he knew exactly what Ash was thinking. He forced himself to think about anything other than being with Drew. Tonight was all about the miracle of being together and alive.