“First I’m going to kiss him; then I’ll kill him.”
Ash paced back and forth in the apartment, glancing down at his watch for the tenth time in as many minutes. Dammit. Six forty-five and no Drew. No answer to the numerous texts he’d sent, starting with How’d it go? an hour after the appointment was scheduled and increasing in frequency to every few minutes when no answer was received.
Domino meowed from the entrance to the living room, his black tail swishing on the floor.
“What do you want me to do?”
The cat gazed at him with big yellow eyes and meowed again.
“Okay, I’ll call.”
He looked up the doctor’s office number and called, but the service answered.
“The office is closed now, sir.”
“I know that. I wanted to know what time my husband left, but you can’t help me with that, can you?”
“No, I’m afraid not, sir.”
Angry but mainly worried because it was unlike Drew to be out of contact, he clicked out of the call and strode over to the bar, poured himself a vodka, and downed it. In his heart he didn’t think anything harmful had happened to Drew. They were so closely connected that Ash fully believed if Drew had been hurt, he’d know. In his heart. He had so much he wanted to tell Drew. His birthday and Chanukah present to Esther was almost complete, and he’d yet to share his plan. He knew Drew would love it.
So he waited and paced and finished another drink. At seven thirty he thought about calling Rachel to casually ask if she’d heard from Drew, when he heard the key in the lock and almost passed out from relief. The door opened and Drew walked in, wet and pale. Ash had been so caught up in his own head, he hadn’t realized it was raining.
“Are you all right? What the hell happened to you? When you didn’t answer my texts I thought…” Drew leaned against the front door after he’d closed it and hadn’t said a word. A knife’s edge of pain sliced through him. “What’s wrong? Is it Esther?” He forced the words out through frozen lips “Did something happen?”
Please, God. No.
Drew’s eyes opened wide. “What? No. She’s fine.” His messenger bag slid to the floor. “She’s fine,” he repeated.
“Okay.” He drew a deep breath and exhaled. “Where the hell have you been? Get out of those clothes first; then we’ll talk.”
Drew slanted a look at him under the thick fringe of his dark lashes but said nothing. He left his wet coat on the chair by the door and Ash trailed after him. Drew peeled off his clothes, and Ash sat on the bed and watched his husband get naked. Even after all these years together and the innumerable times they’d made love, Ash never got tired of seeing Drew. In Ash’s eyes, Drew was all he needed. Perfect.
“I’m going to shower. Did you eat?”
“No, of course not. I was waiting for you. Drew, baby, what’s wrong?” He stood, and to his dismay, Drew took a step back.
“I don’t…I can’t…I’ll be right out.” He fled into the bathroom and closed the door, and Ash, shocked into silence, sat down again with a whoosh of breath and waited for Drew to come out.
Ash heard the shower run, and when it stopped, he braced himself for Drew’s return. No way would they be leaving this bedroom without Drew telling him what had happened. Panic seized his heart. Something happened at the doctor’s office. That had to be it. For a second his vision grayed, and he couldn’t catch his breath. He rubbed his face with his hands. Whatever it was, he would be there for Drew, the way he’d been there for Ash from the beginning. Never giving up. Together. One truth. One heart.
The door opened and Ash steeled himself. With a towel slung around his waist, Drew crossed the room and sat next to him on the bed. Water droplets still beaded on his firm shoulders, and his damp hair curled in waves around his face and neck. An ache rose in Ash’s heart as he recalled with stunning clarity the first time they were together in this very bed. It seemed a lifetime ago and yet so vivid and clear, it could’ve been yesterday. That Ash Davis—cold, sexually calculating and in such pain he could barely breathe, wouldn’t recognize the Ash of today. A man who lived for his family. A man who put others’ needs before his. A man who could only be satisfied by this man sitting beside him.
Drew wrapped his arms around Ash and leaned into his spot on Ash’s neck. The spot he claimed every night.
“Baby, tell me. Whatever it is, it’ll be okay. I promise.”
Drew’s lips pressed against his throat. “Eric thinks I have cancer.”
“Cancer?” He jerked away from Drew and grabbed him by the shoulders. “What do you mean? Where? What?” Even knowing he should shut up, he couldn’t stop his nervous babbling. Not Drew. He was good. The only good thing in his life. It should be him, not Drew.
Those clear green eyes captured his. “He said one of my testicles is swollen and did an ultrasound and some blood work. We’ll know more soon, but all signs point to it. I have to set up an appointment to meet with a urologist. Eric is sending him my report.”
Words came out of Drew’s mouth, but all Ash heard was “cancer.”
“What’s the prognosis?” he croaked out.
“Good if caught early. But I’ll have to make sure it doesn’t show up in the other one or any nodes, so it’s vigilance and doctor’s appointments every six months.”
“I’ll make sure of it.”
“Ash.” Drew put a hand on his shoulder. “There’s a chance, small, but still…I could become impotent. If that happens, I’d understand if—”
“Don’t say it.” Ash grabbed him and kissed him roughly at first, then with the familiar hunger that always took over whenever he touched Drew. “Don’t even think it for a second. I’ll never leave you. Ever. You’re my life. The only thing that gives me life.”
“I know you say that now, but in five years? Ten? What if it comes back?”
“Listen to me. The only thing I care about is you. Alive. Here with me. I need you, baby, every night to be with me, yeah, but more than that. I need to see you across the breakfast table and hold your hand when we walk in the street. I need to hear you laugh when that damn cat hisses at me.” He was crying unashamedly now, the tears blinding him. “You believed in me when I wasn’t worth saving. I can’t breathe without you. I need you and I’ll give you anything—everything you need.”
They held each other, tears mixing as they pressed their cheeks together, and Ash pulled Drew even closer. Drew molded his slim body to Ash’s and chest to chest, their hearts beat as one. When there were no more tears left to shed, Ash kissed the top of Drew’s curls and inhaled his warm scent.
“You do. Always. I’ve only ever needed your love. Now I’ll need your help. Depending on what the urologist says, it could be chemo and radiation.”
“Or nothing. Let’s keep positive. First the test results, then we’ll see.” He touched Drew’s face. “Whatever it takes to make you well. I don’t care about operations or treatments.” He carded his fingers through Drew’s thick, dark waves. “I’ll do anything to help you.”
“Best case scenario is that it’s a stage zero or one and hasn’t spread to the lymph nodes.”
“We’ll talk about it then.” He itched to hold Drew tight and protect him. “When are you going to call Esther?”
Drew stiffened. “I don’t want Esther to know. A shock like this could kill her. Which means I can’t tell Rachel either. She’d never be able to keep it from Esther.”
“I think that’s a terrible idea. You can’t keep a secret like that from them.”
“It’s not your choice to make.”
Agitated, Drew turned away, leaving Ash at a loss.
“I don’t want to fight with you. But we’re family. And Chanukah’s coming, Esther’s favorite holiday. And her birthday.” But Ash knew he didn’t need to tell Drew that.
“Please, Ash. At least for tonight, let’s try and pretend to be normal again. I don’t want to spend the whole evening talking about cancer and treatments. I want to eat dinner with you and go to bed and have you hold me.”
“I think dinner can wait.” Ash pushed Drew down and straddled him, bracing his arms on either side of Drew’s shoulders. “I think you need me to hold you now. I know I do.”
Drew touched his face. “I always need you.” He met Ash’s lips eagerly and they kissed, their passion as fresh and bright as the first time. Their tongues slid and tangled together, and Ash lay down, drawing Drew closer. He pulled off Drew’s towel and tossed it to the side, allowing him to feast on the sight: pale skin dotted with freckles; corded, taut abdomen; and lean, sinewy flanks.
“You’re perfect. And you’re mine. In sickness and in health. Nothing will ever change that.” He cupped Drew’s balls, noticing the difference now, silently cursing himself for not having paid enough attention before. Ash slid his lips over the smooth crown of Drew’s cock until he’d taken him fully into his mouth. He ran his tongue over the satiny hardness of Drew’s erection, swallowing the tangy precome. “Mine forever.”
“Ash, God…” Drew sighed and spread his legs. Encouraged, Ash bobbed and sucked Drew’s cock while running his fingers up and down his taint to tease at his puckered opening. The tip of his finger slipped inside Drew, and he slid in and out. A flush of pleasure rose over Drew’s body, and Ash’s cock strained against his pants.
“You drive me wild. I need you.” Ash stripped his clothes off and flung them onto the floor, his gaze roaming hungrily over Drew’s naked body. Those dark curls and Drew’s glittering green eyes were the only spots of color on the blinding white sheets and comforter.
Drew’s lips curved in his first smile since he walked in the door. “You have me. You’ll always have me.”
Ash reached out to the nightstand and grabbed the lube and coated his fingers. The simple act of Drew giving him his love and trust never ceased to amaze him. Ash planned on having many more years to show Drew how much he was loved.
With one final kiss to Drew’s mouth, Ash slicked his cock, pushed Drew’s legs up, and guided himself inside. The hot clench of Drew’s ass pulled him deep. For all those years he’d never had sex with the same man twice, each body and face interchangeable with the next, none compared with the sense of rightness, the completeness of being inside Drew.
He rocked his hips, thrusting deep. Drew cried out and Ash turned relentless, continuing to pump inside Drew, needing to leave Drew so full and sated, he’d feel him long after their lovemaking ended. Drew wrapped a hand around his erection and stroked himself until his eyes rolled back in his head and his mouth opened in a keening cry.
“Ash…Ash.”
Holding Drew’s twitching body, Ash drove into him, kissing Drew, capturing his gasping breath, drinking in all Drew’s sweetness and love. Fire radiated upward from the base of his spine and he exploded, his firmly held cock pulsing inside Drew’s passage.
Loath to release Drew, Ash pressed their cheeks together and nuzzled against him. “Mmm, that was incredible. But it always is.”
Drew held him close. “I know what you’re trying to do, and I love you for it. I couldn’t get through this if you weren’t by my side.”
Ash knew the fear of loss Drew suffered from since he was a child. It made him want to cling to the familiar and hold on.
“You’re a part of me. Wherever you are is where I’ll be. I couldn’t be anywhere else. Whatever you need, I’ll give you that and more. You promised to never leave me, and I’m holding you to it.”
“Let’s go eat and come back to bed. Make me forget, Ash. I don’t want to think about tomorrow and what’s waiting for me.”
Ash held Drew close. The plan was to make love to him until they were both too tired to move.
Reality could wait one more day.