The message Amber sent Lovejoy was short but to the point. Billy could be yours. She didn’t call. She wanted to give him the facts, tell him where they were, and then deal with the fallout. It was possibly a cop-out but she hadn’t changed that much.
She put the phone back in her bag. From beside her, Julia said, ‘There’s a gymnasium up the hill, they’ll have a shower.’
They walked together past neat flowerbeds wilting in the heat. The air smelling of freshly cut grass.
Amber pushed open the heavy glass doors of the gym and, in no mood to negotiate the price of a shower, paid for one adult to swim, hired a towel and bought a gym branded T-shirt, sports bra and pair of grey tracksuit bottoms from the selection of training wear by the desk.
While Amber was paying, Julia asked the guy behind the desk if he’d plug her phone in to charge and handed it over when he agreed. Then looking back in her bag, said to Amber, ‘Oh I forgot, I have a new pair of pants from the pack I bought at the market. Do you want them?’ She handed Amber a rolled-up pair of giant baby blue knickers.
Amber laughed when she saw them, ‘Blimey, they weren’t what I was expecting.’ She held the giant piece of material up for all to see.
Julia swatted it away, cheeks pink, embarrassed. ‘I don’t normally wear pants like that!’
Amber raised a brow. ‘Maybe you should. Might grab Charlie’s attention.’
Julia looked even more embarrassed, making Amber grin slyly as she bundled up her pile of clothes and headed for the showers.
Alone in the chlorine-scented changing rooms, Amber found a locker and stripped her dirty clothes off, then stood under the tepid stream of water in the swimming pool shower. She could feel the prison stench start to wash away. Feel the cleansing cool water build her up for what was next.
She reappeared in the baggy grey tracksuit bottoms and matching T-shirt, her hair wet and wavy. Julia was hovering in the reception area, her phone and charger in hand. ‘I have to get some clothes,’ Amber said as she joined her. Then noticing the slight wildness of Julia’s eyes, added, ‘Why do you look so nervous?’
Julia swallowed. ‘Lovejoy’s here.’
Amber flinched. She felt a lurching sickness like a train stopping suddenly. Then she took a deep breath and said, ‘Where?’
‘Outside.’
Amber took a deep breath in through her nose. ‘OK,’ she said. ‘Here goes.’ And stepped out into the blinding sunshine.
He was in her face the moment her foot hit the pavement.
‘You should have told me,’ Lovejoy hissed, the lines on his face grooved in anger. His eyes furious. ‘Eighteen years and you didn’t tell me I could be a father?’
‘No I didn’t,’ she said, staring straight up at him.
He looked away, ran his hand through his hair. He huffed and paced. He shook his head, like he couldn’t believe what she was saying.
Amber saw Martin perched on the wall of the car park, keeping a safe distance.
Julia was hovering by the gymnasium doors.
‘Shall we walk,’ said Amber.
Lovejoy joined her for a few paces then stopped at the corner of the gym where it was shaded by an awning. ‘I can’t believe you kept this from me. I can’t believe you let Billy grow up believing that idiot Ned was his father.’
‘Ned is not an idiot,’ said Amber. ‘You can say what you like about me, Lovejoy, but I will not let you slag off Ned.’
Lovejoy scoffed. ‘He was always hanging around, all dopey and eager with you. Of course you picked him. He’d do anything you said.’
‘That’s not fair,’ Amber replied sharply. ‘He was there for me at a time when I needed him and he’s done nothing but be a good father to Billy.’
‘Because he was given the bloody chance, Amber,’ snapped Lovejoy, turning to rage at the wall. Then looking back at Amber, thumped his hand to his chest and said, ‘You didn’t give me a chance!’
‘You weren’t here!’ she countered. ‘And you’d told everyone you weren’t coming back! By the time you were here, what could I do? Billy was settled, happy. There was no way I was going to jeopardise that.’
Lovejoy shot her a furious look. Pacing, hands raking through his hair. To Amber it felt like he was acting a part he’d read in a script rather than showing his true emotions.
‘Lovejoy,’ she said, a little softer, ‘can you honestly look at me and tell me you’d have been there for me if I’d told you?’ her eyes beseeching as she studied his reaction.
But Lovejoy wasn’t in the mood. ‘Don’t you turn this round on me, Amber, I am the victim here.’
Amber almost stamped her foot. ‘We’re all victims, Lovejoy. Can you just imagine for one second what your reaction would have been if I’d told you I was pregnant? If I recall correctly, you’d just flown off to America to make that so-called fortune, telling everyone you weren’t coming back till you’d made a million. You were strutting about all full of it, talking about yourself in the third person, “Babe, Lovejoy doesn’t do commitment…”’ she put on a voice that made Lovejoy wince.
‘I didn’t say it like that,’ Lovejoy muttered.
‘Yes you did. Christ,’ Amber was getting angry now, ruining her decision to be calm and accepting, ‘You were telling everyone how you were going to come back loaded. Now imagine I’d told you. Imagine I’d told you there was a fifty per cent chance the baby was yours. Would you have come back?’ She glared at him. ‘I needed someone there then.’
He glared back at her. She could see him breathing. He didn’t answer.
He raked his hands through his hair. He kicked the wall. Then he said, ‘Don’t make me out to be the bad one, Amber. You’re the one who’s made the mistake.’
Amber huffed. ‘Yes, I’m a despicable person.’
‘Oh you can’t just say that and expect to get away with it,’ he said, right up close to her now, pointing his finger in her face.
She stepped back. ‘I’m not hoping to get away with it. I know what happened, I know what I’ve done. Yes, I made a mistake, but I did it with the best intentions for my kid in mind,’ she said with full confidence. ‘But fine, yes, be angry with me, but right now, if you want to be a father, think about Billy not yourself. That’s the first step. Think you can do that?’
Lovejoy looked like he wanted to murder her.
Amber went on, ‘Hate me, that’s fine, but I have to sort this out with Billy. And you have to decide if you’re going to be a part of that.’
Lovejoy folded his arms across his chest and glared at her. ‘Oh I’m going to be a part of that.’
‘Fine,’ said Amber glaring back.