Once again, I found myself sitting in that tiny beige room. All these rooms are tiny and colourless. The fluorescent lights buzzed and flickered. A stranger sat opposite me, peering eagerly into my face. Behind him was a small window, a collection of grey industrial buildings beyond it. Minimal furniture occupied the space. We sat on knobbly upholstered chairs separated by a cumbersome cherrywood desk. The smell of stale coffee wafted from a pot, percolating on the edge. A brown so deep it was almost black.
How long has that coffee been sitting there? And who in their right mind would drink it?
The thought made my skin itch. My leg began tapping in an attempt to distract me from a barrage of incoherent thoughts. Who is this man? Is he married? Why doesn’t he have a wedding ring? What’s wrong with him? My head hurts. Did I drink any water today? Is it dehydration?
I pulled the elastic out of my hair, releasing a tight ponytail that was collected at the crown of my head. I pressed my fingers into my scalp, massaging it firmly to alleviate the pressure.
I glanced around the room, focusing on a poster. “If you think you’re in hell, keep going.” Is that supposed to be motivational? I stretched my fingers out, the tendons tightening, and squeezed them into a fist.
Open. Close. Open. Close.
“So, Grace, why are you here?” the man asked.
I answered without hesitation, “Because the psychiatrist at the hospital told me I needed to come.”
The man, whose name I had already forgotten, looked at his notepad and scribbled something down. The marker squeaked as it pressed against the paper. My teeth clenched.
The unspoken truth weighed heavily in the room. He knew I had tried to kill myself. It was written on the page in front of him.
A bird landed on the sill outside the window, staring in at me. I stared back. Its eyes, black, vacant, glistening, made the hair on my arms stand on end.
“Well, let’s try and figure out why he sent you here then, shall we?”
The smell of putrid coffee filled my nostrils.
I motioned to the pot. “I’m sorry, can we pour that out?”