Chapter Twenty-Nine

Cassandra walked to her escritoire and retrieved the calendar book, counted weeks, and realized why the dress was tight and her breasts sore. They’d been married four months. Cassandra was with child!

Oh, what to do now? Mother Madelaine would recuperate in a matter of weeks, and her services wouldn’t be needed. The expectant birth of a child should be a happy occasion, but it now complicated her life and her security. Cassandra would ask Althorn to secure the cottage for her.

Secretly, if she couldn’t have him, she wanted his child, a part of him no one could take away. Not quite so, she realized, for any issue of the marriage was the property of her husband, and he could deny her visitation of their child if he so chose. The husband she knew was not a mean-spirited man, yet men were driven to worse actions when it came to their heirs. She steepled her hands in prayer and closed her eyes upward.

In the morning, she would tell the children they would leave the villa for the cottage. Technically they were still in residence on his estate so in fact, she hadn’t separated from him. There was no other choice available. She would have to couch her comments with great care since Mother Madelaine would be upset. Cassandra would find the proper time to tell her the truth. She loved the dowager too much for her to think ill of her. She worried the dowager might have a relapse. No. They were both strong women. She would speak to Mother Madelaine, the woman she had come to love like the mother she never had and longed for, and tell her all. It was the honest thing to do. That was of prime importance.

The next morning when Cassandra awakened, she performed her ablutions, checked on the staff, and went to the nursery. “Miss Dutton, I have something of importance to say to the children. I would like to speak to them in private. It won’t be long. Why not go to the kitchen and get some sweet treats for yourself?”

The governess did as she was told.

“Children, come to me.” They ran and kissed her.

“You know how much I love the both of you, and I wouldn’t keep any secrets from you. Things have happened beyond my control, and we will have to live in a cottage our good duke will provide us. Mother Madelaine progresses well, thanks to the both of you. Please know I am so proud of how you helped her. She cares for you both very much…and for me.”

She gathered them in her arms, Alfie on her lap and Alicia next to her. “You may not understand when I say that life is complicated, but I will always be there for you. Always. You should have no fear in that regard.”

“Why must we leave?” asked Alicia.

“The duke and I have an arrangement that when his mother is recuperated, we will…change homes. It will be on his estate, and we will still visit everyone. Just think, we can have Runt and Giant with us forever. Wouldn’t you like that?”

Her throat knotted and she found it difficult to speak. It was horrific. Anguish overwhelmed and caught at her stomach like a medieval torture screw.

“Why do we have to go?” asked Alicia.

“It is better for all concerned, but I have another surprise for you, but it is a secret. Can you keep a secret?”

“One we cannot tell anyone?” Alicia asked.

“Yes, but you can tell in a few weeks’ time.”

She made a happy fuss. “Auntie is to have a baby. Just think, another beautiful child to join us. Someone we can lavish our love on.” She couldn’t control the tears. Her life was broken. Her heart was ripped apart. Her dreams were trampled on again. Why God? Why do you show me a glint of happiness and security and then take it away? What have I done to deserve this disruption again?

“Why must Uncle send us away?” Alicia asked with tears in her eyes. “Did we do something wrong?”

Cassandra wiped away the tears. “No, you did nothing. It’s not that Uncle sends us away. He and I had an agreement. It is now time we lived on our own. He will visit as will Mother Madelaine. Everything will be the same, except we will live in a beautiful cottage. We can grow vegetables and beautiful flowers. The orchard has stone fruit and apple trees. We will make preserves for our bread. Isn’t that wonderful? Auntie Cassandra will crochet blankets for the new baby and all of us. What a wonderful time we will have.”

“Why do you cry, Auntie Cassandra?” asked Alfie. “It cannot be wonderful if you are sad.”

Sweet heaven, help me. I grow weary of this endless burden. Take this cross from my shoulders.

There were no words to tell the children to express her emotions. “Because I…will miss Uncle, too. He has so many responsibilities and has been good to us. We won’t be far away. All will be well.”

“I don’t want to leave Giant,” Alfie cried.

“Giant and Runt will come with us. I promise, children.”

“It’s not the same.” Alicia turned her eyes away.

“Have I not always taken care of you? You’ll see all will turn out well.”

“Will you love the new baby more than us?” asked Alicia.

“Never, ever. I’ll love you all with all I possess. My heart is big enough to love all of you.”

“Do you love the duke, too?” Alicia persisted.

“Yes, I do, but he doesn’t love me.” She exhaled at the words that were a stake through her heart. “This is another step in our lives. I shall need all the help I can get. Babies are like puppies and require a great deal of attention. May Auntie ask you to help her?”

“Yes, we’ll do as we are told. Won’t we, Alfie? Yet I want to cry.” She hid her face in Cassandra’s dress.

Alfie joined Alicia; their small hands clutched her skirt, droplets of tears streamed down Cassandra’s face. Her hands patted their heads.

“Alfie, just like a soldier, you will be brave and not cry. Alicia, you will set an example for him. Miss Dutton will soon return, and we don’t want her to think we are weak. Like good soldiers, we’ll march forward and do what has to be done to win the battle.”

“What battle?” Alfie asked.

“Life.” Cassandra dried their tears and her own. “Shall we read a book that is funny? One that will make us laugh? Alicia, why don’t you pick something from the shelf?”

“Yes. It’s about a brave bullfrog that leaps from one lily pad to another and croaks his song of love. We can all say Rib it…Rib it…Rib it together.” Alicia firmed her lips. “We have to drop our voices so we can sound like real frogs.” She gave a performance of a lifetime.

The governess returned, frog noises permeating the room while the children and Cassandra leaped a step or two. A lovely mess of children and Cassandra bullfrogged in circles.

“Thank you, Miss Dutton. I’ll leave you to your students and will attend my affairs.” Cassandra returned to her own room.

A servant knocked on her door and entered. “Your Grace, his Grace had to leave for an appointment, but he wanted to inform you he would see you at supper time and hopes you aren’t ill.”

“I appreciate his inquiry, but as you can see, I’m fine. I will tell him so myself this evening.”

He closed the door.

Cassandra looked about the room she’d come to love. The bright sunshine, the view of the ocean, the sound of waves, the canopied bed, her French desk and the ormolu moldings. She paced back and forth. “I mustn’t do this. There is no time for regrets. I have beautiful memories to sustain me.” Each time she hoped her circumstances changed for the better, in reality, they got worse. “I mustn’t look back.”

It was all about goodbyes.

Goodbye to her parents who passed away.

Goodbye to her brothers who sent her off to finishing school at the age of twelve.

Goodbye to the life she’d thought she’d have with her fiancé who jilted her.

And now, the hardest goodbye of all—to Althorn, the man she loved with every inch of her being, the father of her child.

Her hands grasped her stomach. She’d protect their baby.

She rang the bell pull and when the servant appeared, she spoke with assurance. “Kindly go to the luggage room, and bring the large trunk up here. I have need of it.”

The attendant excused himself and went about his errand.

Cassandra left the room to attend to her duties. The dowager was in the breakfast room sipping tea and ate crumpets with coddled cream. “Good morning, Cassandra. I find that my speech has returned in earnest.”

“Good morning, Mother Madelaine. It pleases me to hear the lilt in your voice. I’d like to converse with you, if I may. I’ll close the door.”

After she did, “This is difficult for me. I have come to cherish and love you as if you were my very own mama. I’ve missed her, and you have taken her place. I’m aware of the affection you have for me and the children and ever grateful for your acceptance.”

“Have some mint tea, my dear. You are disturbed? Share your burden with me.”

She patted the chair next to her, and Cassandra went to sit.

“As you know, our marriage was one of convenience for your son and me. I’ve always known the day would come when he would dispense of my services. While he hasn’t yet released me, I feel I must depart this lovely home and you.”

Lady Madelaine placed her hand in Cassandra’s. “I would ask why? I see the love in your eyes you have for my son. He is a changed man. He no longer carouses in the evenings. He spends his time on his estate management and in Parliament. What you have done for him is remarkable. Yet I do not see happiness on your face today. What has happened? He hasn’t hurt you, has he?”

“No, not in a physical sense. I’m torn apart. I am the keeper of the household in the day. At night, Gordon seeks me out for my other conjugal duties. I’m in love with a man who does not love me. I’m a possession—not a wife.” She stood, cheeks burned, turned her back, and faced the breakfast buffet of eggs, meats and—ham.

The smell of a salty hock hit her like a rock. She was about to cast up her accounts.

She lunged from the room to a balcony where dry heaves overtook her. Cassandra inhaled the fresh ocean air, and the morning sickness lessened. She turned as Lady Madelaine walked toward her.

“My dear, are you in a family way? Come, let’s sit out here until it passes.”

Cassandra nodded.

“I can’t tell you how blessed I’ve been since you’ve entered our lives. And now, this is the best present of all. Is Gordon unhappy at your condition? Is that your plight?”

She took her handkerchief and rubbed it gently across Cassandra’s lips.

Cassandra cast her eyes downward. “He doesn’t know. It never occurred to me it could happen. He won’t be happy about this obligation. Can’t you see, Mother Madelaine? He’ll regard it as an albatross around his neck. As an attempt to further leg shackle him. I promised him I would never do that.”

“I do believe you misjudge how he feels for you, dear Cassandra. Do not act in haste. Why did you summon for luggage? I saw the servant bring the trunk to your room. Please be sensible.”

“I-I…will now request he give me the nanny cottage he promised as per our agreement. I believe myself and the children will be happy there. All my life, dear lady, I have sought refuge, a place of peace and security where I wouldn’t be turned out. I found it here with you and your son. I cannot live with a man who acts like he loves me, but does not say the words I need to hear.” She clutched Lady Madelaine’s hand. “It’d be better not to see him at all. I love him so much.”

“There. There, my dearest girl.”

“I know you think I’m silly, but I long for assurance from him. I don’t want someone who’ll provide for me, buy me expensive gowns, uses me for his pleasure and mine, but will not commit his heart. I’d rather be alone. When I see him, my heart beat spirals. If he’s not near, then maybe I can quell my love and it won’t hurt so much.”

“Why do you not tell him all these things?”

“I cannot beg him to love me. It’s unthinkable. It’s pitiful. It’s awful. All I have ever wanted was a family to love me. I found that joy here with you.”

“Shush, child. I would ask that you desist in this. It is bad for the babe you carry. You must not upset yourself. We will think of something. All is not lost.”

“Mother Madelaine, a request from you, please?” Cassandra pleaded.

“What is it?” the matron placed her hand on her daughter-in-law’s shoulder.

“Do not tell him about the baby.”

“It is a difficult request, because he should know. It’s his child, too.”

“Not just yet, Mother. A day or two will not affect anything.”

“I will think about it, Cassandra. I should like to rest now. Let us both retire to our rooms and nap. Come, child. “

They ascended the stair case in relative silence. At the top of the second floor, Cassandra escorted the dowager to her room, and saw to her comfort.

When she entered her room and saw the mahogany trunk, she threw herself on the bed and cried woefully. Her throat knotted. She didn’t know which was worse, the pain in her throat or the rendering of her heart.

It was too late to turn back. It was her decision, not his. Best for all this way. Sweet heaven, I’m lost.