The sun is shining brighter than usual today without a cloud in the sky to protect me. Knowing my luck, the temperature will continue rising to record highs. Before coming down to the beach, I raided the laundry room for an empty spray bottle that I filled up with crushed ice and water. I’m already grateful I brought it with me. The small hike from the house down to the water alone has me panting in my cut-off shorts and my favorite beat-up Converse tennis shoes.
Standing in the middle of Goodwill a year ago, I almost cried right in the middle of the aisle when I came across the monochromatic black sneakers with custom embroidered hot pink flamingoes all over them. I don’t know why someone would go to all that trouble of getting them made only to toss them to the side? I questioned the previous owners’ sanity as I skipped to the register where I’m sure the cashier did the same thing toward me. Hugging them to my chest might have been a little over the top. But they looked like they hadn’t even been worn and at five dollars, it felt like robbery. No way I was leaving the building without them.
My shoulder sighs in relief as the hefty beach bag drops to the sand in front of me. I overpacked, but I also walked almost three miles down the beach from our house to get here. The worst thing that would happen is to get here and remember something I forgot. Bending over, I hear some catcalls in the distance and I start digging my items out. Marek didn’t want me coming down here today which is precisely why I am here. He should know by now if someone tells me not to do something or that I can’t do it, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I find my bottle of Hawaiian Tropic tanning oil and drop it to the sand next to me. I thank whoever blessed me with amazing genes that I tan unlike the girls back at home who have to layer on the SPF for fear of turning into a lobster.
So gross.
“Hey! Look out!”
I don’t even get the chance to turn around when something or someone slams into me tackling me to the ground. With a whoosh, my breath leaves my body and my face bounces off the sand. You’d think it would be a soft landing, but I might as well have landed on a pile of rocks. My entire body aches and I want to scream out, but I can’t catch my breath. I’m bent at an awkward angle and I ungracefully roll over onto my back and cry out at the sharp pain on the side where I was hit.
A hand wraps around my arm and I’m suddenly aware at the roughness of the skin against my softness. I don’t dislike it in the slightest and in fact, I relish in the fact that whoever is on the other end of that hand has done a little hard work in their life. As I right myself on the sand, I’m shocked to come face to face with Anders as he pulls me up from the sand. I tilt to the side as a wave of vertigo overtakes me and he grips my arms tightly holding me in place.
He runs his hand along my arm and in soothing tone asks, “Are you okay?”
Coming face to face with my brother’s best friend wasn’t something that I was expecting in the slightest. Sure, I knew they were both here, but that doesn’t mean I thought he would be coming to my rescue. Or that he would even be paying enough attention to me to notice that I was tackled to the sand by some random dude. He looks down at me like he expects a reply, and it registers that he asks me a question. Am I okay? I nod my head but my mouth can’t seem to form words as Anders’ hands glide down my arms and his fingers trace circles on the small of my back. I take a small step toward him and start to lean up when suddenly he’s ripped away.
“What the fuck, Anders? Get your hands off of her.”
“Chill man, I was just helping her up. Some dude just pummeled her to the ground.”
Marek’s face is bright red and his breaths come out heavy like he just ran all the way across the beach to get here and fight his best friend. “You’ve helped, now you can let go. At least six inches between you and jailbait over there.”
Ugh. Why is my brother acting like such an asshat? “What’s your problem, Marek? It’s not like we were banging on the sand right in front of you and every other person on the beach. And I’m your sister. You’d think you’d talk a little nicer about me.”
“First off, that’s gross, and I don’t need to be thinking about my baby sister having sex. You better still be a virgin until you’re forty. And second, if Anders even thought about touching you like that, he knows I’d kill him.”
A scream falls from my lips as I force my hands into tight fists at my side. “Oh my gosh, don’t be such a crazy person. You wouldn’t kill anybody. Not that it matters anyway. This guy is so far up your ass he wouldn’t even sleep with me even if I was standing completely naked in front of him. So, you have seriously nothing to worry about.”
“My god, Giselle, you’re sixteen years old, you don’t need to be thinking about getting naked with anybody.” He starts pacing the area in front of me and tugs on the ends of his hair and at the last minute adds, “and for your information, he won’t go there because it’s illegal and he respects me too much to fuck around like that.”
Anders interjects into the conversation before I can open my mouth and says, “Yeah, as much as I enjoy watching the dueling Outlaws…I think I’m going to go. You both obviously know what’s going on in my head and I don’t need to be here for any part of this. Why don’t you just tell me how it works out later?”
I want to go after him and tell him it’s not like that. Marek just gets me so riled up and I don’t understand why he acts like I’m such a kid. He wasn’t like this at all last year but going off to college changed him and not for the better.
As he turns and starts walking away my brother says, “Just stop trying to grow up so much. Trust me, it’s not as fun as you think it is.”
First of all, big brother, I’m seventeen, and you’re only two years older than me so don’t act like you have all of this life experience. And secondly, you don’t get it, Marek.” I stop myself before I say too much and instead shake my head adding, “You know what? Forget it. It doesn’t matter anyway.”
“What doesn’t matter? What aren’t you telling me?”
I avert my gaze to the water, to the sand, anywhere but his face as I tell him what I know I have to, but I really don’t want to. My voice squeaks as I say in almost a whisper, “You’re not there. You don’t know how things have been this past year. It’s not the same.”
I can hear his eyes roll when he responds to me acting like I’m just being a child and not so completely alone like I’ve truly been. “Look, I know it’s probably weird now that I don’t live at home anymore but—”
“No!” I cut him off before he can continue with whatever tirade was going to come out of his mouth. “This has nothing to do with that.”
There’s silence and I finally steal my focus from a seagull gobbling down a piece of white bread it found on the sand a mere twenty feet away from us. At this moment, I’d rather be that soggy sand covered piece of food than have this conversation with Marek.
“Then tell me what it is about.”
Just spit the words out. Just do it. I repeat the words over and over in my head psyching myself up for the moment I turn his life upside down and he’ll travel on that downward spiral right alongside me.
“Dad moved out.”
“What are you talking about?” He rears his head back and the look of shock written all over his face tells me that he truly had no idea what’s been going on at home. I almost want to call him out on that and find out when the last time he talked to either one of our parents.
“I don’t know if he officially moved out, but he hasn’t been to the house in months. I think he’s cheating on Mom, but I don’t know for sure. She never leaves her room and when she does, she acts like there’s nothing wrong.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about this?”
I wrap my arms around my body and curl in on myself. I haven’t talked to anyone, not even my friends about what’s been going on. It was like part of me knew if I actually said the words out loud it would make it real. Instead, I’ve spent so much of my time ignoring it. Or at least trying to.
“How about you tell me where you’ve been, Marek? I know you’ve been at school, but when was the last time you talked to Dad? The last time you called Mom? Hell, other than a couple of texts from you including one on my birthday, I haven’t heard a damn thing from you. So when, dear brother, was I supposed to tell you what was going on?” I can feel the heat spread from my face throughout my body and my breathing comes out labored as I stop my ranting for one minute to take a deep breath. I’ve been holding in this information by myself for so long I guess I was bound to explode at some point. I’m just glad Anders wasn’t around when it happened.
His gaze shifts focus to the sand at our feet instead of my face and his cheeks redden at my words. That’s what I thought. He’s been living it up while I’ve been back home suffering as our family crumbles all around me. It wouldn’t have bothered me that he was having fun at school, but the fact that he left and completely turned his back on us…on me…is what really hurts the most. Marek used to be my best friend and we did everything together.
We stand there for what feels like hours in complete silence but it’s probably closer to fifteen minutes. Neither one of us utters a word as the rest of the world goes on around us as if absolutely nothing changed and for them, it’s the truth. They’re living their lives and having the best time ever with their friends or family having a beach day.
I jump slightly when his arms suddenly wrap around my shoulders pulling me toward him. And he hugs me tight not letting go. I can hear the pain in his voice as it cracks when says, “I’m sorry I fucked up. I should have been there for you. I’m your big brother. It’s my job to protect you from anyone and everyone even if that includes our parents. I should have never let you go through all of this alone and I’m truly sorry. I know I can’t take it back, but I’m going to be better now.”
Hearing those words from him releases everything I’ve been holding in. It’s been hard this past year. A lot harder than I even realized until this moment right now. I’ve been struggling and I didn’t even know it. I nod my head as I rest it against his chest and squeeze on for dear life.
“I should have told you and you could have been there for me. I’m sorry I left you out of it.” I should leave it at that and just savor in the moment of having my old friend back, but there’s a small nagging at the back of my brain and I add, “You don’t have to save me from everyone, you know. There was nothing going on with—”
“Don’t even think about bringing that sentence back around to Anders. I’m not even going there. It’s a non-issue.”
I slowly nod my head and just drop it for now, but this will not be the last time we have this conversation. It’s not done by a long shot.