How do I even get myself into situations like this?
From the minute the reality of my situation hit me, I’ve always had one plan in mind. Graduate high school. Get my degree. Start my own business. Do it all on my own and not relying on anyone else. Nowhere in that plan did it include distractions. And it certainly didn’t include having feelings for someone else. You can’t feel the pain of loss if you don’t ever get close enough to anyone to care for them.
I took off this morning for a run on the beach. Each day that Marek takes off to hang out with Stacy and I’m left behind with Giselle, breaks my resolve down more and more. I have to remind myself over and over why I can’t go there. She’s underage…but not by much. She’s Marek’s sister…some friend he’s been to me lately. I don’t have time for a distraction…but what a distraction she would be. I couldn’t take it anymore and had to get out of the house.
After watching the sun come up this morning and a five-mile run, I’m not feeling any better than before I started. If anything, I’m even more confused about everything. I kick up a pile of sand as I walk off the beach and into the backyard. I’m not surprised to see Marek hanging out by the pool, but I am surprised that he’s alone.
Tilting his sunglasses off his eyes he asks, “Did you want to go to Pomelo tonight?”
What the heck does that even mean? Is that a kind of fruit or something? I make my way over to him and slide onto the lounge chair next to him. It’s starting to get hot out and I know my sweat is going to turn foul pretty soon. A shower is definitely the next thing on my to-do list. “Want to repeat that?”
“Stacy and her friends were talking about going to the karaoke bar, Pomelo, I figured we could hit it up for a bit and convince them to go elsewhere.”
That’s the last thing I want to do and that’s precisely why I should do it. It isn’t healthy for me to continue pining away for a girl that I can’t have. So, I do the right thing and nod my head while adding on, “Sure. Sounds good to me.”
“Fucking finally. Stacy has been holding out on me because I keep telling her I have a friend for her friend and well my buddy is never in sight. Maybe now we can pair off and make shit happen.”
“Yeah.” Marek doesn’t even notice my lack of enthusiasm as I say the word, but I don’t say anything either. I’m nineteen years old, I should be excited about the potential for legal pussy, but the only thing it does is make me feel sick to my stomach. And my screwed-up brain is acting like I’m cheating. But you’d have to be in a relationship for that to happen and there’s no way Marek would ever give me his blessing to be with his sister. Maybe a random fuck will get her out of my mind. That’s it. I haven’t gotten laid in a while and that’s all I need. I’m confusing myself into thinking I have feelings for Giselle when really my little guy downstairs is getting excited over the potential female attention.
Marek flips his sunglasses back down and asks, “By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask you. What’s the deal with the hat?”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never seen you wear that hat before this summer, and you’ve been wearing it almost every day. Is it new?”
Almost? I haven’t taken it off my head since Giselle handed it to me during our shopping trip. Except for right now, I wasn’t going to go for a run wearing the thing. At first, I just put it on because when a pretty girl asks you to try something on when you’re shopping, you do it. But when I put the fedora on, it finally felt like I was wearing something that was truly me. Shrugging I fake my indifference, “No deal, I just thought it was kind of cool.”
He nods and turns his head up to the sun. The sparkling pool in front of us taunts me to dive right in. I don’t know if it’s the talk of my hat or the sun beating down on us but my body temperature has risen and continues to do so. Taking the heat off myself I switch tactics and flip-flop the conversation. I hesitate before continuing our conversation. But I know if I don’t talk to him, then he won’t talk to anybody. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure, what’s up?”
I feel like such a girl with this conversation, but back at school, we used to talk a lot more than we have this summer. I honestly don’t even know what’s going on with him half the time. “This thing between you and Stacy...is it serious?”
“Why would you even think that?” Marek asks as he sits up a little straighter and turns his focus back to me.
“I don’t know because ever since we got here, you’ve been spending all of your time with her.”
He starts laughing although I’m not sure that I said anything funny. “What are you jealous or something?”
So that was the reason for the laughter. I shake my head and say, “It’s not like that. I don’t really get it, dude. If you like her, that’s great but can I be honest with you?”
“Is that not what you’re already doing?”
Fair enough. “True. I don’t understand how you don’t want to cut your arm or hell even your head off every time you’re with her.”
“I’m not following.”
Why did I even start this line of questioning? I tug on the sweat-soaked ends of my hair and internally groan. “This is going to make me sound like a dick, but oh well. She and her friends don’t seem to have a whole lot going on upstairs. Every time we hang out with them, I feel like I’m dropping IQ points left and right. I just don’t know how you can stand it.”
“It’s just fun and no big deal. It’s not like I’m going to marry the girl or anything. We’re just hanging out. Everything with her is easy.”
“As opposed to…”
“I don’t know.” He shrugs and there’s a long pause until finally, he says, “Ever since my sister told me that stuff about Cassie, it’s kind of screwed with my brain. I can’t wrap my head around it. I’ve known her my whole life. She was a friend, the girl next door. Seeing her as anything else has never even crossed my mind.”
“And now?”
“Now, I can’t stop thinking about it. All these what-ifs keep filling my mind and when I’m with Stacy I don’t even think about it.”
“You already know I don’t like the chick, but do you realize how cold that sounds? Put yourself in her shoes for a minute. If you liked someone, like really liked them and you thought it had the potential for a future, how would you feel if the other person had zero intentions for that?”
“I get what you’re saying.” Marek’s head falls into his hands and he massages his temples. “When did we get to the point in our lives when we have to think about shit like that. Or have conversations about the future or potential future. That there’s a scary likelihood that women could start thinking about marriage and shit like that? Is this the grown-up life we spent our entire childhood wanting?”
I’m not in the same place as he is, and I definitely don’t plan on finding myself in those kinds of situations. There’s a reason why I don’t date and that’s because women, in general, are more work than they’re worth. The only person I have the brain power to focus on is me and me alone. Rather than going on another rant I simply say, “I don’t know man, but if it is…I don’t think I want to have any part of that.”
“Amen to that.”
I lean to get up feeling like this conversation is over. Plus, I’m really craving a shower right about now. Sitting in my own sweat for this long is starting to make my skin crawl.
“What about you?”
I pause as I lean up and ask, “What about me?”
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with a woman before. Wait…are you?”
He has got to be kidding me. “You think I’m gay? Just because I don’t hook up with women constantly or have a girlfriend?”
“Hey, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I’m just curious.”
“I’m not gay, trust me. I’m just focused on my career and school right now. I don’t have time for girls or distractions. Besides, I’m not attracted to anybody, so it doesn’t even matter. The lie tastes like ash on my tongue—bitter and harsh all at the same time. The word liar repeats in my head like a mantra that I can’t run away from.
“Man, I think you’ve been spending way too much time with my sister.”
My palms saturate with sweat as my heart rate quickens. My voice croaks slightly when I ask, “Why would you say that?”
“Because you’re starting to talk like a girl.”
I laugh it off but part of me wonders if he actually thinks there is something going on between us. It’s definitely better that I agreed to hang out with him tonight. I get up from the chair and as I expected I stick to the vinyl in the most disgusting way possible.
“Where are you going?”
“To shower.”
Marek chuckles behind me and adds, “Good because you stink. None of the girls would want to be around you.”
Now who says that would be such a bad thing?