But when I read the cable again next morning, I knew I would go. I felt its comforting presence in the pocket of my dress as I sat in the drawing room watching the hands of the clock crawl round. Then Letty looked in at the door. ‘Isn’t it time you left, Helena?’
‘Left?’
‘For the station – to meet Ben.’ I looked at her in surprise and she said, ‘For goodness’ sake – you are going to meet him, aren’t you? The poor man must be shaking in his shoes – it’s the least you can do. I’ll ring for your hat.’
I dragged myself to my feet; I did not want to go and meet Ben, but it was always easier to give in to Letty than to try to argue with her.
She was soon back. ‘The motor will be round in five minutes – you should just make it. Get a move on, Hellie.’
Ben was first out of the station entrance – he looked about him, spotted the car and came quickly towards it. Barnes sprang to attention and swung the door open, Ben climbed in and the door closed on us with a subdued click. I stared through the glass partition as the chauffeur jumped back into his seat, fixing my eyes on his gauntleted hand as he reached for the gear lever. I could not look at the man at my side; waves of embarrassment washed over me. Neither of us spoke.
We were running through the park gates before Ben cleared his throat with a rasping sound and asked, ‘How are you, La – lass – Helena?’
I whispered, ‘I’m – quite well, Ben – thank you.’
‘Oh – ah – good.’
The Delaunay-Belleville purred to a halt outside the front entrance. Barnes came quickly round to open my door and I stepped out; Ben shuffled across the seat and followed me – out of the same side. I glanced at the chauffeur’s face but it was impassive. Cooper had the tall front door already open. ‘Luncheon will be served in five minutes, my lady.’
‘Thank you, Cooper.’
‘Your hat, sir.’ Ben surrendered his cap and stood awkwardly in the hallway. Then Letty came running down the stairs. ‘Ben – how nice to see you. How do you do?’ She put out her hand and he shook it vigorously. ‘How was your journey – did you have to wait long for your connection at Manchester?’ And as she chattered I saw the overwhelming relief on his face – suddenly I felt bitterly ashamed of myself.
I stepped forward and put my hand through his arm. ‘Mother and Papa will be in the drawing room – I’ll take you through.’ And so we walked in side by side.
Mother did not speak after her frosty, ‘How do y’ do?’ but Papa was polite. ‘Pleased you could come, Holden – good journey? Good, good – I expect you fancy a spot of lunch now, and here’s Cooper to announce it.’
It was Letty and Papa who kept the conversation moving. Ben’s answers were monosyllabic, Mother swallowed every mouthful as though it were laced with arsenic, and I barely touched each course.
At last the ordeal came to an end. As he stood up Papa said, ‘Perhaps you’d care to come to my study for a little chat, Holden?’
Ben answered baldly, ‘Yes, sir – I would,’ and followed him out without a backward glance. We ladies retired to the drawing room. As soon as the footman shut the door Mother rounded on me. ‘Helena – how could you, how could you?’ Her nostrils flared as she flicked out her skirts and sat down, ramrod straight, with her back to the door.
Letty, her cheeks flushed with anger, exclaimed, ‘Helena – you should be ashamed of yourself – why on earth couldn’t you be more gracious to the poor man? After all, on your own admission you virtually seduced him!’ I stared down at my shaking hands – I had no answer for either of them.
After what seemed an interminable time Ben came back, his mouth set. Mother turned her head away, but Letty smiled warmly at him before saying to me, ‘Hellie – it’s such a lovely afternoon, why don’t you take Ben for a walk in the garden?’
Mother’s voice stung like a whiplash. ‘Yes, Helena – why not show him the maze?’ I almost ran to the door.
I took Ben out through the side entrance and we walked in silence along the gravelled path and down into the rhododendron garden. I was desperate to hide from the Hall, with its rows of blank, accusing windows.
When we reached the first hidden seat I dropped down on to it and began to cry. Ben sat quickly down beside me and put his arm round my shoulders and pulled me close against him. He held me tight and stroked my hair until I was still. ‘I’m sorry, lass. I suppose your ma’s been putting you through it.’
I drew away from him and dried my cheeks and then sat up straight. I knew I should say something about Guy and the cable from Canada, but I did not know how to begin. Then he began to speak, telling me about the house he had found. ‘The foreman at shed put me on to it – I were lucky, it’s not easy to find houses these days, and this ’un’s a nice sound little place, rent very fair considering. They moved on Sunday so I’ve been in already – I got Mrs Scholes from next door but one to give it a good scrub-out – not but what it were clean, no bugs or owt like that, I checked careful afore I took it. And Royds Street’s a good street, very respectable. I’ve been round to Bert’s – he has a little second-hand business on the side and he let me have some odds and ends of furniture, just to be going on with – he said his missus ’ud see to kitchen, fetch in what you’ll need like. It’s got a scullery built on – I’ve whitewashed that, and closet – and range is a good ’un, Mrs Scholes says, she had it lit for hot water and it drew well.’
As I listened to the tale of his careful preparations Guy’s cable burnt a hole in the pocket of my frock. At last he stopped, and seemed to expect a reply. ‘You’ve – you’ve been very busy, Ben.’
‘Well, we ’aven’t got much time. There’s something else –’ He looked away from me, red in the face. ‘When I spoke to your dad just now, I told him straight out – I can’t keep her in the manner to which she’s accustomed, I said, but I have got a good steady job. Why, last week I drew over five pound – I were lucky, I got driving turns, and of course I did full Sunday shift. I’ll not be offering for Sundays once we’re married – there’s plenty of others as’ll be glad of money. But even without much overtime I can get three or four pound every week, regular. And I got a fair bit put by – I saved up me wages in war, and then there was me DCM gratuity. So I can support a wife, no doubt about that – and any youngsters that come along.’ I flushed and looked down at my lap. ‘Your dad started to talk about his money, but I told him I’m not taking any cash with you and that’s final. If you bring a few towels and sheets that’s fair enough – but I’m not expecting even that.’
I said helplessly, ‘But settlements are quite normal, Ben – even if, even if I had married Lord Staveley – Papa would have settled an income on me.’
‘They may be normal here, but they’re not normal where I come from.’ His tone was final.
I remembered Mr Hyde’s clipped voice as he had read: ‘And all my real and personal estate not otherwise disposed of by this my will I bequeath unto my beloved sister…’ and ventured, ‘Did he – did he say anything after that?’
‘Only to suggest as he could get me an office job. What would I be wanting with an office job? – I’m a skilled man. So I told him “No” and he knew I meant what I said, so he shut up after that.’ Yes, he would – Papa had always been a coward, just as I was.
Ben began to fumble in his jacket pocket. He looked at me, and his eyes had softened. ‘So that’s enough of business – and now I got something for you.’ He took out a small box and held it out to me. I did not move, and he repeated, ‘It’s for you, lass, here, I’ll show you.’ He carefully pressed the catch and pushed up the lid, and there, nestling on its satin bed, was an engagement ring. I looked down at the three small diamonds and my eyes blurred with tears. ‘Put it on then, sweetheart.’ I pushed the ring over my knuckle and it glinted on my finger – where Gerald’s sapphire had once flashed fire. ‘Give us a kiss then, lass.’ I held up my face to him and his warm mouth covered mine. He was breathing heavily as he drew back, then he jumped quickly to his feet. ‘How about showing me that maze your Ma spoke of? I’ve never been in one of them afore.’ I opened my mouth to refuse, then closed it again and stood up – after all, what did it matter now?
He stopped me at the entrance and said, ‘I want to see if I can find me own way in. Don’t you say nothing.’ He took my hand and tugged me forward and backward through the narrow green aisles, frowning when he came to a dead end, and beaming with pleasure when we progressed. He never made the same mistake twice, and quite soon we were in the centre.
He stood warily by the hedge, looking carefully round the clearing – and suddenly I realized I was seeing him as my brothers had seen him – Holden, the careful sergeant-major, sizing up the ground, inspecting the available shelter – and I felt a slight easing to the tightness in my chest and smiled as I asked, ‘Will it do, Ben?’
He grinned back at me. ‘Aye, it’ll do – come and sit down, then.’
He pulled me forward and dropped down on to the carved wooden seat outside the small pavilion – and before I realized what he was at I was tumbled on to his lap. ‘Ben!’
He laughed. ‘We got some courting to catch up on, lass.’ He bent to kiss me and my body felt the warmth of his and responded to the male scent of him. When he took his mouth away I put my arms around him and pushed my face into his neck. He said simply, ‘I’ve missed you, lass – and I’ve been worried about you. I nearly came over one evening unexpected like – but, well, I thought it might make things worse for you.’ Then he put his large hand on my behind and pulled me round a little, so that my belly pressed against his. He whispered in my ear, ‘And he’s missed you, too.’ For a moment I was bewildered, then I felt it, his maleness, swollen and throbbing – for me. I lay against him, feeling the steady beat pushing at my belly. His breath tickled my ear as he murmured softly, ‘Now he knows way in he wants to pleasure himself again.’ I lay very still. Then he lifted his damp cheek from mine and looked straight down into my eyes. ‘Can I take you now, lass?’ I did not answer, I could not answer. His gaze held mine. ‘Tha can tell I’m more ’an ready for thi – but tha can say “nay”, Helena. Will tha say nay?’ He bent his head and found my mouth, and now I felt the pressure of his tongue on my lips, and I opened my mouth under his so that he could fill it. And as I felt the urgency of his need I knew I could not deny him.
But at last he drew back away, and held me a little from him. He was panting, and his face was damp with sweat. ‘Aye, tha’ wouidna’ stop me – but it wouldn’t be right – not a week afore wedding. It’s not so long now – I mun be patient. I’ll have to put you away from me now – I’m that worked up I can hardly control myself.’ He pushed himself up, dumped me down on the seat, walked away and stood looking at the pavilion. And as I gazed at the breadth of his shoulders and remembered the powerful thrust of his hips as he had taken me before, I shivered, but I did not know whether it was in fear – or excitement.
It was a long time before he turned to look at me, then he smiled and said, ‘I’d best let you face your mam with a clear conscience. Come on, my lass, let’s see if I can get you safe out of this maze.’ He held out his hand and I went to him and took it. He led me towards the exit from the clearing, turned the right way and set off. At each choice he stopped, narrowed his eyes, then moved on again. And we came straight out of the maze without one false step.
I exclaimed, ‘No one’s ever done that before – not the first time!’
I saw the pleasure in his face, then he said, ‘I reckon I learnt a trick or two in France. Come on, let’s get back afore your mam sends out a patrol.’
We walked up through the shrubs hand in hand, and I sensed his confidence now. He had made his choice in the centre of the maze, and he had chosen not to take me – but he knew full well that he had had the choice, and that knowledge squared his shoulders and lifted his chin. And I, I who had been submissive before him, moved closer to his side and clung to his hand. I need not agonize any longer about facing Nanny, because I knew I would not be going to Canada now.
We wandered in the garden, walking slowly and talking little. Ben asked me from time to time the name of a flower or shrub, but generally I had to confess my ignorance. We went out into the park a little way and down to the small lake and then I heard the stable clock chime and turned and led him back towards the Hall. And at the head of the terrace steps, right in front of the watching house, he pulled me to him and kissed me full on the lips. I knew he was demonstrating his possession of me – but I did not draw away.
The tea things were already set out in the drawing room, and my parents and Letty were all there. Mother curled her lip at the three small diamonds on my finger and opened hostilities at once. ‘I trust you don’t belong to one of those dreadful trade unions, Mr Holden.’
Ben reached for a sandwich. ‘Of course I do, Lady Pickering, and so should every working man.’ He looked her straight in the eye and added, ‘And I were on strike last year, and I’ll strike again if me mates are cheated out of a fair wage.’
They sat bristling at each other until Letty intervened with a question about Ainsclough. As they talked I pushed my plate with its uneaten sandwich away from me.
‘Eat that, lass.’
I jumped, then said quickly, ‘I’m not hungry, Ben.’
‘Eat it – I saw what you were up to at dinnertime. The way you are now a gust of wind ’ud bowl you clean over, so you do as you’re told.’
I picked up the sandwich and forced myself to chew it. When I had finished he took my plate, filled it, and handed it back to me again – then he turned back to Letty. Although he was not looking at me I ate everything on the plate – and the scone he tipped on to it next. Letty glanced over at me and I flushed at the amusement in her eyes. Mother was still staring at Ben as if he had two heads, but when he stood up to take his leave Papa spoke warmly. ‘I’m very pleased to have met you again, Holden – very pleased. We’ll see you on the day, then?’
Ben shook his hand vigorously. ‘Aye, my lord - I’ll be there.’
It was Letty who suggested, ‘Why don’t you drive Ben down in the dog cart, Hellie – he’ll see more of the park that way.’
I did not argue and I felt a little tingle of pleasure as I climbed into the driving seat and took the reins from Jenkins. I shortened them and felt Star’s mouth respond. As we trotted out of the stableyard Ben said, ‘She’s a thoughtful lass, your sister. I’ve got nothing against that choffer but I’m not used to flunkeys jumping about all round me.’ Letty – thoughtful? But we all knew how tactless she was! Then I remembered my own thoughtlessness of that morning and was ashamed.
We swung round the front of the house and Ben said, his voice slightly puzzled, ‘But I can’t get over how she looks so different from rest of you.’
I pulled on the bit to turn and replied, without thinking, ‘Oh, she takes after her father.’
‘Her father? But he’s dark, like you.’
I realized what I had said now, but Letty’s parentage was hardly a secret, so I explained, ‘Her real father – he’s very fair, too.’
Ben turned right round in his seat and stared at me. ‘But – she’s youngest,’ then louder: ‘Are you telling me her high and mighty Ladyship dropped one?’
I shrugged. ‘It’s not unusual, with the younger children of a family.’
‘Not unusual!’ He was brick-red now. ‘Not unusual! But what about your father – does he know what she’s been up to behind his back?’
I wanted to smile at his horror – how naive he was, with his lower-class morality. ‘Don’t be silly, Ben – of course he knows. But he has – companions – too. Whyever not?’
‘Whyever not! I’ll tell you whyever not, my girl. You’ve got a thing or two to learn if you want to stay out of trouble as my missus. Stop that horse a minute.’
‘But Ben –’
‘Stop her, I say!’
And I heard the anger in his voice and quickly laid my whip against Star’s shoulder. She pulled up and stood patiently waiting. Ben put his hand on my arm, and I turned my eyes to his as he shouted, ‘Look, my lass, I’m warning you now – if I ever catch you lifting your skirts to another man I’ll take my belt to you and give you the thrashing of your life.’ I cringed away from his furious face, but his fingers bit into my wrist above my glove. Then he added, flatly, ‘And I’ll kill him. Do you understand?’
I whispered, ‘Yes Ben – I understand.’
‘Good. You can start her up again, then.’
We drove on to the station in silence. As I drew up in the forecourt he put his hand over mine. ‘I’m sorry lass, I shouldn’t have shouted at you, but well, I were a bit put out. I been feeling right guilty towards your ma and then you tell me this – and you sounded so casual about it, too. But I shouldn’t have shouted. Only lass, I meant what I said. I’ll not lay a finger on another woman, but in return you mun play fair with me.’ I nodded; I could not speak. ‘Signals are off – give us a kiss then, and I’ll write how I’m getting on with the house.’
His lips were warm on my cold mouth, then he had sprung down and was striding over to the station. He turned back in the doorway and waved before he went in. I waited until the train had left then I jumped down, tied Star’s reins to the railings and went into the booking office.
‘Yes my lady – what can I do for you?’
‘I wish to send a telegram – to Canada.’ I looked down at the form and at last I wrote: ‘Will stand by original arrangements. Stop. But thank you. Stop.’ Then I picked up the pencil again and added: ‘Thank you’ and signed it.
The clerk behind the counter pointed out, ‘You’ve written “Thank you” twice, my lady.’
‘I know, I meant to.’ I put down the money and walked out.
When I got back to Hareford I took refuge in the library. I picked a book off the shelves and sat staring mindlessly at it until Letty came in. ‘Oh, Hellie – do put the lamp on, it’s far too dark to read in that corner.’ I blinked as she flicked the switch. She trundled the steps beside the shelves until she found the one she wanted and then climbed up them and sat on the top. As her glance travelled along the row she asked casually, ‘Did you have a nice drive to the station?’
‘Yes – no –’ Then I blurted out, ‘He spent the time telling me that if he ever found me with another man he would thrash me – and kill the man.’
Letty glanced in my direction. ‘I wonder how that subject came up? Oh, you don’t need to tell me – I can guess. Well, Mother deserves to be exposed, if you ask me.’
She was quite calm. I said desperately, ‘Letty, he said it as if he meant it!’
‘Oh, Helena, I’m quite sure he did mean it – every word.’ As I looked back at her she suddenly grinned. ‘You’ve never even bothered to read his citation, have you?’
I flushed. ‘He was decorated for bringing in wounded – Robbie told me.’
‘That was the first medal – wait.’ She backed down the steps and ran a practised eye over the shelves until she found the volumes she wanted. ‘I looked it up in the London Gazette as soon as we met him that time in Manchester. I was curious – June 1918, Holden, Holden – ah, here it is.’
She thrust the page in front of me and turned back to the shelves. I read:
‘Coy. Sjt.-Maj. Benjamin Holden, 2/5th Bn L&CLI.
‘For conspicuous gallantry and initiative on 29/4/18 near Vierstraat. During a counter-attack, all his company officers having been killed or wounded, he showed the most consummate coolness and skill in collecting the survivors under intense shellfire. He then led them forward to capture a machine-gun emplacement which was causing great hindrance to the advance, and to clear an enemy trench held by a superior force. Heavy losses were inflicted on the enemy and it is estimated that he personally accounted for more than a dozen of the defenders.’
The bland, euphemistic ‘accounted for’ danced before my eyes, and I heard Ben’s voice again saying flatly: ‘And I’ll kill him.’ The words of the citation blurred and I dropped the book and ran from the library. Upstairs in my room I felt very sick.