But one evening, Nanny left us.
Dapple had arrived, and our lead soldiers with the fort; the dolls’ house came, and we arranged its furniture; then we lined up all the animals two by two ready to take refuge with Mr and Mrs Noah in the Ark. Outside, a new young gardener with a friendly brown face took us into the maze, and we raced between the high green hedges with beating hearts, until we reached the little house in the very centre.
One morning Miss Walker came to the nursery and took me to the schoolroom. I read to her as Alice sat painting, and then she taught me to copy long rows of curving pothooks and beautiful, looping hangers. Every day after that, Ena took me along to the schoolroom. Then Alice announced that she was going all the way to Germany, to Dresden, and she would be taking Miss Walker with her; I was sorry, because I had enjoyed copying pothooks and hangers. But before she left, Miss Walker told me that Mama would find a new governess for me and the twins, and then we would all go along to the schoolroom together, to copy pothooks and hangers.
But then Nanny left us. She told us we must be good children and do everything Ena and the new governess said until she came back, but her Mama was very poorly and so she must leave us for a while. We nodded, stunned, and did not really believe it until we saw her come out of the night nursery in strange clothes, jamming a long hat pin through a battered brown hat. And then she had gone.
We were very quiet at first, but Ena let us stay longer in our baths, and tickled the twins until they splashed her apron, and she was not cross like Nanny would have been.
Jem spent longer in the nursery now, and told us wonderful stories of Fuzzy Wuzzies and assagais; Ena laughed more than ever. One teatime, Jem was crouched by the fire, helping us toast our bread - Nanny only let us toast on Sundays but Ena let us toast every day - when the door opened and there was Mama, and a strange lady. Jem jumped up very quickly and dropped his piece of bread inside the fender; he backed away from Mama’s angry frown and disappeared out of the door. Ena, very red, stood waiting for Mama to speak.
‘Children, this is Mam’selle Vigot.’ Mamselle’s hat was low on her forehead, her face quite square beneath it; I stared in fascination at the wiry black hairs which sprouted from her chin. Beside me Eddie quivered with excitement:
‘Lady with ’tache, Hellie, lady with ’tacheP Mamselle’s lips tightened and a pair of black eyes bored into mine so that I dropped my gaze in confusion to the round dusty toes of her boots. \
Mama ignored us. ‘Mam’selle Vigot will take complete charge of the nursery in Mrs Whitmore’s absence.’ Ena ducked her head. ‘You will sleep with the children, of course, Mam’selle.’
‘Of course, my lady.’ Her voice seemed to twist and slither in the air before it reached my ears.
‘Now, Mam’selle, I trust that’s all you need to know.’ Mama frowned. ‘I must leave at once - I’ve already had to delay my departure - it’s been most inconvenient.’ She spoke directly to the subdued Ena: ‘Mam’selle is in complete charge, please remember that.’ She left the nursery with a flick of her skirts.
Mamselle advanced; her voice barked above my head. I stared up at her, the bark came again, more sharply, and at last I realized that she wanted my name. I was slow to obey, too slow. The boots clumped further forward; now she loomed over me and the strange distorted words attacked my ears, ‘You do not sulk, leetle girl - I do not like children who sulk.’
Ena was quickly by my side. ‘Tell Mamselle your name, Lady Helena. I expect she didn’t understand you, Mamselle, you’re the first French lady we’ve seen in the nursery.’
‘She will have to learn to understand me, quickly.’
I blurted out: ‘Helena, I’m Helena.’
‘Then you will be Helene.’
I wanted to protest. I was Helena, not this strange,ugly Helene; but Ena’s hand on my shoulder kept me quiet.
Mamselle bent over the twins; Eddie planted his feet squarely apart. ‘I’m Eddie, he’s Robbie.’
‘Eddie, Robbie, what sort of names are these, for boys?’ Her voice sneered.
Ena said quickly, ‘Master Edwin and Master Robert, Miss, but we’ve always called them by…’ Her voice trailed away in the face of Mamselle’s frown.
‘I do not agree with pet names.’ She spat the ‘pet’. ‘It must be Helene, Edwin, Robert - so.’ Her fierce glare crushed us. A finger stabbed out: ‘Which one are you?’
‘Robbie.’
‘Robert!’ The tip of the finger dug hard into my brother’s shoulder.
‘Robert.’ Robbie’s voice was a frightened whisper.
‘Lady Helena can tell you which is which, Miss - Mamselle.’ Ena was flustered now.
Mamselle ignored her. ‘I will have labels - two pins, paper, pencil - at once.’ She stabbed a pin into each starched frock, and my twins stood labelled, like two small bewildered parcels.
The nursery was safe no longer - it had been invaded by a stranger. A stranger who banished me from the twins’ bath, a stranger who put out the night light and forbade me to sing ‘Goodnight’ to my brothers - ‘I will not leesten to a child caterwauling’ - and then, I could not believe it, as I bent to kiss them a hand pulled me roughly back! As I lay in bed, the tears wet on my cheeks, Nanny’s voice echoed through my head: ‘Now kiss your little brothers goodnight, Lady Helena’, ‘Kiss and make up, Master Eddie, there’s a good boy’ - but Mamselle said kissing was unhygienic!
Our porridge grew cold in the morning as we became clumsier and clumsier.
‘Lift your mug with one hand, Helene.’
‘Elbows into your side, Edwin.’
‘Spoon in your right hand, Robert, must I tell you again?’ Robbie dropped his spoon with a splash and milk spotted the tablecloth. ‘Clumsy boy, clumsy, clumsy boy - stand over there in the corner, you are not fit even to eat with the pigs!’
I hated her.
The schoolroom was bleak and unwelcoming; the newly lit fire crackled and spat. We stood in a huddle by the door, but with brisk tugs Mamselle separated us and chivvied us forward until we sat, feet dangling, round the high battered table.
My eyes brimmed as Reading Without Tears was thrust in front of me; I longed for Nanny’s comforting lap and slow, patient voice. This voice snapped; it hurt my ears and confused me, but somehow I stumbled through the first pages until the book was snatched from me and thrust under Eddie’s nose.
Eddie pointed to a word here and another there; I knew he was guessing, but Mamselle was appeased. Now it was Robbie’s turn. His eyes flickered desperately across the page. The fat finger stabbed down. Robbie’s lips moved, but no words came.
‘Read, silly leetle boy, read!’
‘Robbie can’t read.’ Eddie’s voice was belligerent, but he backed away from the black glare.
‘Four years and one half, and you cannot read - not one single word?’
Robbie shook his head: I saw the glint of tears. Eddie and I sat frozen. Her face came very close over the table.
‘Then you will learn, now. If you do not learn five words by the time for tea there will be no jam and no cake.’
There was no jam and no cake for Robbie. And no jam and no cake for Eddie, because he had tried to whisper the words to Robbie. My jam tasted sour on my tongue and I shook my head at the plate of currant cake, but Mamselle hissed, ‘Eat it Helene, eat your cake,’ and her black eyes bored into mine as I chewed and chewed and tried to swallow over the lump in my throat. I could not meet my brothers’ eyes.
Next day her fat fingers swiftly traced a line of pothooks, then thrust the pencil at Eddie. He took it and slowly began to copy. Another line of pothooks for Robbie, then the pencil was thrown down in front of him.
‘Pick it up, Robert.’
Slowly he reached out, with his left hand. We jumped as the pencil was knocked from his grasp.
‘Right hand, Robert, right hand.’ Robbie cowered back. The pencil was thrust at him again. ‘Right hand.’ The hiss came a third time, but I knew he could not tell his right from his left. Eddie and I held our breaths, but it was the shaking left hand which came forward again. Robbie yelped as the ruler sliced down. Mamselle’s eyes bulged. ‘Every time you use the wrong hand I will hit you.’ Robbie began to cry. ‘You are a leetle coward, do you know that, a coward.’ Robbie’s tears were flowing faster now.
It was too much for Eddie. As the ruler was raised before his frightened brother he suddenly flung himself forwards, wrenched it from Mamselle’s grip and threw it across the table. Her face flamed red and all at once we were very frightened. She moved slowly towards Eddie; his cheeks whitened. Her voice was flat and harsh. ‘You will regret that.’
We were mesmerized by the round bulging eyes. I breathed fear. Her hand flashed out once, twice. Two red weals stood out on Eddie’s cheeks, but he did not move. Then she tossed her head. ‘Back to your work.’ There was a small smile on her face. We bent our heads, and knew we were defeated.
At last Robbie did hold the pencil with his right hand, but his pothooks wavered and shuddered across the sodden page.
‘Again, Robert, again.’ She bent over him. ‘I go to my room now, if you have not done better by the time I come back you will stay here all day - and all night, on your own - and the goblins will come for you.’ She swung through the door.
Robbie began to sob - huge, gulping sobs. We both ran to him, but he sobbed on. We looked at each other helplessly, then I picked up the pencil and began carefully copying the hated pothooks.
When Mamselle came back she studied them with narrowed eyes. ‘Helene, did Robert copy these himself?’ Her eyes swivelled - now they bored into mine - but the ruler hung poised over Robbie’s hand.
I cried out desperately, ‘yes - he did, he did!’
‘Then I think you are a liar, Helene, a liar.’ I crumpled before her. ‘Do you know what happens to leetle girls who tell lies?’
I stared back dumbly. At last I whispered. ‘They go to hell.’
She laughed. Her large yellow teeth were inches from my face. ‘Yes, they do, leetle girl, they do - but first you must be punished on earth.’
I braced myself for the stinging slap, but instead a large sheet of white card was thrust in front of me, and I watched, horrified, as she swiftly traced in high, wide capitals the legend:
I AM A
LIAR
‘Just this once, Helene, I will allow you to use your paints; a nice bright green, I think.’
I felt sick; but I was a liar. I dipped my brush into the pot of water, licked the tip into a fine point, and began to paint. A second piece of card was produced, a second legend traced - and put before my brothers.
‘You will paint a placard too, like good, loving brothers - in red, I think, scarlet.’
HELÈNE
TELLS LIES
She was smiling now. Eddie had opened his mouth to protest, but at her smile he closed it again. His eyes met mine, then slid away. He reached for his brush and began to paint. For a moment I hated him.
At eleven o’clock we went back to the nursery to dress for our walk. As soon as Ena had buttoned my coat Mamselle beckoned me to her. ‘Come here, Helene.’
I stood mute before her as the green legend was tied to my chest, and the red to my back. ‘There, now the whole world will know you are a liar.’
Ena spoke angrily. ‘Lady Helena does not tell lies’.
‘But she did, Ena, she will tell you.’
Ena looked beseechingly at me. ‘You didn’t, Lady Helena, did you?’
The hot shame dyed my face. I muttered, ‘Yes, I did,’ and walked stiff-legged out of the nursery.
I wore my badge of shame all week, until it was time to visit Grandmama; then she took it off. I sang to Grandmama that afternoon, but my voice felt rusty and strange.
Robbie hardly ever spoke now, and when he did he stammered. Mamselle mimicked him, and laughed in his face until he cried, then she would proclaim triumphantly: ‘Robert is a coward, a coward. Helene is a liar, Robert is a coward - and what are you, Edwin?’ Eddie looked back at her with hatred in his eyes, but he dared not speak. ‘I think you are a coward also, Edwin, are you not?’ And she laughed.
One morning Robbie had wet his bed. ‘Dirty boy, dirty, dirty boy! You smell, how you smell!’ His eyes were wide and frightened - and despairing. At the breakfast table he put forward one small, trembling hand, then withdrew it. He had forgotten which was his right and his left again. He did not dare pick up his mug or his spoon; he stared helplessly at his milk and his porridge, unable to touch them. And she laughed. I lowered my eyes and gripped my own spoon until it hurt.
We were set to our endless copying. Robbie seized the pencil - he did not dare do otherwise - and the ruler descended. She laughed as he fumbled desperately for the pencil, and knocked it so that it rolled off the table on to the floor. She did not seem to care about me and Eddie now: it was Robbie she watched, like a fat dark bird, ready to swoop and peck and destroy… And as I watched the ruler hang poised to slash down again. I was off my chair and running round the table, and I caught the hand with the ruler and held it back with all my strength. And she laughed her ugly screeching laugh and with her other hand she seized the fold of Robbie’s soft neck and began to pinch and twist until his breath came in short hunted gasps - and all the while her bulging black eyes jeered at me. So I bent my head and sank my teeth deep into her mottled brown hand until I hit bone, and hung on.
She prised my jaws apart at last. My hot anger had fled now, I was cold and shaking, I knew I had done a terrible thing. She wrenched me forward by the arm and dragged me out of the room.
I stumbled on the stairs, and began to fall, but she hauled me up. She pulled me on, opening doors, looking in, then slamming them shut again - until she came to Mama’s bedroom. Then it was the big wooden cupboards she was opening, one after the other, until I heard her grunt of triumph - she had found what she was looking for. It was Mama’s furs which filled the cupboard; her fat hand began to rifle through them. Then she pulled one out; I cringed back from the sharp pointed teeth, bared in a snarl. Hard shiny eyes winked evilly at me.
‘You bit me, Helene, you dared to use your teeth on me, like a lee tie animal. Now here is a leetle animal which will bite you.’ She thrust the head suddenly forward; I cowered back, eyes fixed on the wicked little snout.
‘I will put you in the cupboard, Helene, and I will place my leetle animal over your head - oh so gently will I hang him over you, ready to pounce. And if you move, if you make one tiny, tiny little move - then he will bite you!’
I tried to pull back, but she was too strong for me: she thrust me contemptuously forward into the soft menacing darkness. I tumbled on to the wooden floor.
‘He is there above you, Helene, waiting for you.’ The door shut with a click and I heard the key turn as I crouched in rigid terror.
Time passed, but I dared not move: fear held me fixed and still. My knees began to hurt, my legs throbbed, but I dared not move. I must not move. My eyelids drooped in the darkness - I felt my body about to jerk forward – I panicked as I fought to control it. Something shifted above me, I froze - and crouched grimly on. I had forgotten everything now, my brothers, the schoolroom, even Mamselle had receded and left me - alone in the darkness with the terror above my head. I had to stay still, I must stay still. But the insistent pressure in my belly was growing: it mounted and mounted, it was a pain now. I knew, dully, that further disgrace was about to befall me. I must not - but I could hold out no longer; the warm liquid began to run down my legs as the tears of shame trickled down my cheeks. Motionless, I began to sob.
There was a loud bang outside, I jumped - I had moved! The furs above me slithered; I waited in terror for the sharp teeth to meet in my helpless neck.
Then I heard the voice, a high-pitched: ‘It’s a mouse, I swear it’s a mouse - I’m feared o’ mices.’
There was a low reply - and the key began to turn. I screwed my eyes up in pain and fear as light flooded in, but I did not move.
‘Whatever - it’s Lady Helena!’
Dimly I recognized Jem’s voice - but I was beyond reason now: terror held me fixed. I felt a hand on my shoulder, but as it touched me the furs shifted and I opened my eyes wide and saw the evil pointed teeth swooping down on me and now I screamed and screamed and threw myself back into the corner of the cupboard. I could not look away from the sharp animal teeth and the vicious blinking eyes.
Then a large hand reached out and covered the face and snatched it away from me. It was thrown down outside and and Jem cried out: ‘Look, Lady Helena!’ And I saw his large boot come down hard on to the evil little head and grind it into the carpet. My rigid legs gave way, I fell in a heap on the cupboard floor, and feeling the damp wood was engulfed in shame.
‘You’ll catch it when her ladyship gets back and sees what you done to her necktie, Jem Barnett.’ The maid’s voice was shrill. ‘And look what she’s been up to in there - all among my lady’s furs!’
My cheeks burned. I turned my face away.
‘Sod ’er necktie, and sod ’er furs! It’ll serve ’er right for engaging a bitch like that “Mamselle”!’ He spat the word. ‘Ena’s been worried sick these past weeks, the way she’s always going for the littl’uns.’
The maid said, ‘Well, she’ll go for ’em even more now, her wetting ’er drawers like that.’
I began to shake.
Jem was shouting. ‘I’ll be damned if she gets ’er ’ands on ’er again!’ Then his voice came very close to my ear. ‘Come along sweetheart, come to old Jem, then.’ But I was too ashamed to move. I hid my face. ‘Now, now, anyone’d ’ave a little accident, shut up all this time, ’tis only natural. Come along then.’
His warm, sweaty, comforting body came closer and closer, and at last I turned and flung my arms round his neck. My head buried itself under his chin as I clung desperately to him. I was safe now, I would never let go.
I felt his body jolting as he carried me downstairs, and I clung even tighter. Dimly I heard Mrs Hill’s voice; she tried to coax me from Jem’s arms, but I would not let go. At last we set off again: limpet-like I clung to my rock. There was the jingle of harness and I knew Jem and I were in the governess cart; I could hear Mrs Hill’s voice, giving orders to the groom. I heard the ‘Whoa’ as the cart pulled up, then Jem was carrying me carefully down the steps and crunching across gravel.
Doors opened and closed; we were inside again, but still I hung on Jem’s neck. It was Grandmama who was speaking now; Jem’s replies resounded angrily in my ear, but the anger was not for me.
‘Helena, Helena.’ My arms tightened as Grandmama addressed me. I kept my face hidden. ‘Put her down.’ Jem tried to ease my arms apart, but I would not let go. Then Grandmama spoke to me again, slowly and sternly, ‘Helena, unclasp your hands, I order you.’
Slowly my aching fingers disentangled themselves, and Jem put me gently down on the carpet. I swayed against him, and gripped the thick cloth of his trouser leg. I felt his reassuring hand touch my shoulder, and at last I raised my eyes to Grandmama’s ivory face.
‘Helena, why did Mademoiselle shut you in the cupboard?’
At last I whispered, ‘Because - because I bit her.’
‘I see. And why did you bite her, Helena?’
Tears filled my eyes. ‘Robbie, she hurt Robbie. She hit Eddie and she hurt Robbie.’ Grandmama’s face was impassive. Desperately I said again, ‘She hurt him, she hurt him.’
It was Jem who spoke for me. ‘My lady, Ena, the nursemaid, said as how she seemed to turn against Master Robbie - she wouldn’t leave ’im alone. ’E’s lefthanded, you see, and a bit slower, so she tormented ’im.’
I trembled in gratitude against Jem’s warm leg, and nodded speechlessly.
Grandmama murmured to Mrs Hill; Mrs Hill rustled to the door and left us.
Then Grandmama turned back to me. She spoke slowly and clearly, ‘Helena, young ladies do not bite.’ I stared dumbly back at her. ‘I have sent for Mademoiselle, when she comes you must apologize to her, do you understand?’
I sagged helplessly against Jem’s leg. Grandmama told him to fetch me a footstool; I sat crouched on it, staring at the fat red rose on the carpet, the smell of my soiled drawers filling my nostrils. I was beyond tears now.
At last Mrs Hill came back - with Mamselle. Her cheekbones were an angry red, but she bobbed politely to Grandmama.
‘Lady Helena wishes to apologize to you, Mademoiselle Vigot.’
My eyes fixed on the swollen red rose, I managed to whisper, ‘I’m sorry, I - I bit you, Mamselle.’ And waited, hopelessly. I could feel her sneer of triumph.
But Grandmama spoke again: ‘We will not require your services any longer, Mademoiselle. My butler will give you a month’s salary in lieu of notice. That will be all.’
I could not believe it. Mamselle spoke angrily. ‘It was Lady Pickering who engaged me - if she is satisfied…’
Grandmama raised her hand. Mamselle’s voice stopped, abruptly. ‘My daughter-in-law may be satisfied, but I am not. I will inform my son of your departure. Mrs Hill, please see that Mademoiselle’s belongings are packed and sent down. She will be spending tonight at the Dower House. Tell the nursemaid to sleep with the children.’
As soon as we were in the governess cart again I climbed on to Jem’s lap and he rocked me to sleep against his chest.
Ena’s gentle hands undressed me, and as she took off my smelly drawers she gave me a warm hug of forgiveness. Washed and clean again, I was led through to the night nursery and tucked up in bed with a whispered: ‘Don’t wake your brothers, now.’ But I knew they were not asleep.
As soon as the door closed Eddie whispered, ‘Hellie?’
I pushed back the bedclothes and crept over between their beds. ‘She’s gone, she’s gone - Grandmama sent her away.’
Robbie began to whimper.
‘Don’t cry, Robbie. She won’t come back ever again.’ I pulled back the sheet and climbed into his bed. Putting my arms round his small, shaking body I held him tight. After a moment Eddie’s feet pattered over the floor, his arms came round my neck and his warm damp cheek pressed against my back. And so we fell asleep, together.