‘Hello, Hellie – can I come in?’ I stepped back and he walked through the lobby and into the parlour, elegant and handsome in an immaculately tailored suit fashioned from the finest grey cloth. He balanced his cane across one of the bentwood chairs, peeled off his gloves and slipped them inside his hat. ‘No, Hellie – it’s not a ghost; it really is me. China’s a big place, you know – a very big place; messages take a long time arriving – but I came as soon as I could.’
I said dully, ‘You’re too late.’
‘Poor old Hellie.’ He came over and took me in his arms, and I wept hopelessly on his fine grey shoulder. He smelt of cigars and expensive shaving soap.
After a while, when my sobs had slowed, he put me away from him a little. ‘Let’s have a look at you.’ I stood before him as his blue eyes slowly travelled over my tear-stained cheeks, then he leant forward and kissed me lightly on the lips before leading me to the armchair. He pulled the other chair up close to me and sat down in it himself.
I held out my left hand and repeated, ‘You’re too late.’
‘Yes, I know, Aunt Ria told me. But it’s not too late – I’ve got a motor outside, we could scarper in it now – your mother wouldn’t give us away.’
As I looked at him, longing overwhelmed me; then I felt the new heaviness in my breasts and shook my head. ‘I’m – I’m carrying his child.’
Conan raised his eyebrows and smiled. ‘Then you’d better bring the child along too.’ I wanted so much to go – oh, how I longed to go. He sat watching me. ‘It’s up to you, Hellie – I’m offering you a way out. I’m not bothered about the child, I’ve fathered enough bastards on other men in my time – I can hardly object if your Ben Holden does the same to me.’
I wished he had not used that word; my child was not a bastard – Ben Holden was my legal husband. My cousin stood up and went to look at the photographs on the piano; he picked one up and brought it back to me. ‘Is this him – who are those nippers?’
‘His nephews and his niece – that is, his great-nephews and his great-niece.’ I looked at the picture as Conan held it out to me: Ben was smiling as he held the toddler on his lap – and the other two children leant against him so confidingly; I remembered them all running to greet him at Ivy’s. Conan put it back, then picked up the other photo of Ben, in his sergeant-major’s uniform.
He studied it for a while, then said, ‘He looks a decent enough chap.’
‘He is a decent enough chap.’
‘Then what’s wrong, Hellie?’ I shrugged my shoulders. As he returned Ben’s photo I saw him pause in front of the piano, and his eyes narrowed. Then he came back to the empty hearth, propped one elbow up on the mantleshelf and said casually, ‘You’re not still mooning over Gerald, are you?’
My whole body went rigid. My eyes dropped to the shining black toecap next to the fender; I could not answer.
‘Hellie – it’s five years now, more than five years!’
I threw my head back and cried, ‘He told me, he told me there would never be another woman – and now, look at me now.’ I put my hand to my belly, despairingly. ‘I’ve betrayed him.’
‘For God’s sake, Hellie, be reasonable – I could have had you myself half a dozen times since then.’
I put my head in my hands. ‘But you didn’t.’
‘No – well, I’m inclined to think I was a bloody fool – the only time I’ve ever behaved with decency and restraint, and then some other so-and-so jumped in instead. Still, that’s life. Are you coming with me now, or not?’
I wanted to, how I wanted to – but Ben Holden’s face smiled out of the frame on the piano, holding a child on his lap – just as I held his child in my womb. His child.
I stood at the crossroads and looked at Conan: my cousin, my almost brother, companion of my childhood – whom I loved, whom I had always loved. Then my eyes turned against their will to the pictured face of Ben Holden: whom I did not love, but who loved me, and who was my legal husband – and who had told his sister, just before our wedding, how much he was looking forward to having a family of his own. I wrestled with myself for a long time, but I knew I could not take his child away from him – he deserved better of me than that. And his child was lodged in my body, so my body would have to stay here, in Ainsclough.
My head was so heavy that I could barely move it, but I managed to shake it at last.
‘Well, it’s your decision, Hellie.’
‘Yes, it’s my decision.’
He took out a cigarette and lit it. ‘Poor old Robbie – it was hard lines for him, after coming back at the end.’
‘Yes, it was.’
‘Letty told me how he never got over that wound – so the bloody Germans killed him after all.’
I said, ‘No, I killed him.’
Conan’s jaw dropped; he took the cigarette out of his mouth and stared at me. ‘The wound infected his lungs – they were rotting, he was dying – but it was I who killed him. He knew it would be very painful, and he had suffered so much already, so he asked the doctor – but the doctor didn’t get there in time, so I injected him with a lethal dose of morphia – it was I who killed him.’
‘Good God, Hellie – I – I didn’t know.’ His face was appalled.
‘Nobody knows, except the doctor – and Ben, of course.’
‘And Ben, of course,’ he echoed me. ‘Why Ben, of course?’
It was a relief to talk, I had not talked for so long. ‘After – after it happened, I was going to kill myself – it seemed the only thing to do. But Robbie had asked me to give Eddie’s watch to Ben – Ben was the sergeant who…’
Conan nodded. ‘Yes, I know – Letty told me.’
‘So I came here first – and I said something – referring to what had happened when we were in the hospital together – there was a boy, then – so he guessed, and he stopped me.’
Conan was still looking at me as if he had never seen me before. ‘And how did he stop you?’
‘He made me drunk.’
Conan’s blue eyes sharpened. ‘Is that when…?’
I understood and butted in quickly, ‘No, Ben would never have done that. That was – he was trying to help me and – it was my fault.’
Conan stared at me for a long time. ‘So you gave Robbie an overdose – Robbie, your own brother.’
‘Yes – I killed Robbie. There was no one else to do it, you see.’
Conan sat down, and kept looking at me. Then at last he said softly, ‘Poor old Hellie, poor little Hellie.’
I stood up stiffly, my legs were cramped. ‘I’ll put the kettle on and make you a cup of tea.’
When I came back Conan was prowling round the small room, looking very tall and slim. ‘Look here, Hellie – when does your Ben come home?’
I glanced at the clock. ‘In an hour or so. That is, if he’s not called out for a longer turn – he’s a passed fireman, you see.’
Conan said, ‘Oh,’ then raised his cup. When he put it down again he told me, ‘I’ll wait and meet him – I’m on my way up to Scotland for a few days, then I was thinking of heading for Norway, to join Sam Killearn’s fishing party – but there’s no rush, I can stay overnight on the way.’
‘You don’t have to wait for him.’
‘Hellie, I’m not leaving here until I’ve seen the kind of man you’re married to. Aunt Ria hates him, Letty likes him: I want to make up my own mind.’ He drained his cup and then said, his voice light, ‘Have you heard – Juno’s running a chicken farm in Cornwall, together with that fluffy-haired blonde female, Ogden’s youngest daughter. Letty appears to have the gravest suspicions – she’s very precocious, your sister – I don’t know what on earth she reads.’
I exclaimed, ‘Oh, but Juno wouldn’t…’ Then my voice tailed off.
Conan caught my eye and laughed. ‘Exactly! And I tried to kiss that Ogden girl once in the conservatory – just to keep in practice – and she jumped back like a startled rabbit - it’s not a reaction I usually encounter.’
I smiled a little. ‘No, it wouldn’t be.’
Then he began to tell me about my family. My parents were leaving Hatton at the end of the week and going to the Eames’ shooting lodge in Yorkshire; Mother was annoyed because Letty had announced she intended going up to Cambridge early instead of accompanying them. He told me Alice was in Mentone – she was reported to be very bored with her Fred, and had been knocking around with Jimmy Danesford again. He retailed more gossip and I listened gratefully – I had never realized before what a beautiful voice my cousin had.
Ben’s heavy boots pounded on the cobbles outside, then he came in in his baggy, grimy overall and collariess striped shirt. Conan jumped to his feet in one quick, lithe movement. ‘Holden, old man, I’m so glad to meet you. I’m Hellie’s cousin, Conan Finlay.’ He held out his hand.
Ben shook it firmly. ‘How do.’ He glanced at me. ‘How ’ave you been today, lass?’ I did not reply.
Conan continued smoothly, ‘Hellie and I have just been having a good old gossip – I hope you don’t mind my dropping in like this without any warning?’
‘No – no, I’m right pleased to see you – she’s been a bit peaky lately – she’ll have been glad of company. Helena, lass – have you invited your cousin to tea?’ Tea! Conan only drank tea at teatime – he ate dinner. But I did not want him to go. ‘Yes, do stay – we’ll be eating soon, we eat early in Ainsclough.’
‘Thanks, I will.’
Ben said, ‘I’ll go and have me bath then.’ I began to haul myself to my feet. ‘No, lass, you stay here and enjoy your chat – I’ll see to veg. ’Sides, your ankles are a bit swollen – you’d best look after yourself.’ He picked up the round leather pouffe and set it before me, then he knelt and raised my feet, one after the other, and placed them both on it. ‘These shoes are too tight for you now, lass – I keep telling you. I fetched some flat ones for you – why don’t you wear them?’ I did not answer and after a moment he got heavily to his feet and clumped out into the kitchen.
Conan said pleasantly, ‘Did you ever think of keeping a dog, Hellie?’
I stared at him. ‘A dog – why ever should I?’
He shrugged. ‘No, I suppose a dog wouldn’t be so much use – besides, it might even expect a pat from time to time.’ I looked at him angrily, but said nothing, and he began to talk lightly of mutual acquaintances.
Ben had prepared extra vegetables, and served himself with less meat. I toyed with mine, until he said quietly, ‘Eat it up, Helena.’
‘It’s too tough.’
He pulled my plate over in front of him and meticulously cut up the meat into tiny pieces, then he pushed it back to me and waited. Slowly, grudgingly, I began to force it down, while Conan and my husband reminisced about the war.
When I had finished Conan lit a cigarette and told me, ‘I’m going up to Argyllshire, Hellie – quite near the twins’ estate. You’ll know the area, of course.’ I nodded; yes, I remembered that last carefree autumn of peace. ‘Uncle Victor said Kintonish is in very good heart; during the war Eddie and Robbie used some of the money from their London properties to bring it up to tip-top condition.’ He sighed. ‘God, it’s so unfair – how they would have been enjoying themselves now, if they’d only been lucky.’ He gave a long pull on his cigarette and I glanced away from his drawn face, so like my brothers’, and yet so unlike – and saw that Ben’s eyes were fixed on me speculatively.
Conan swung round. ‘Ben, old man – I’d like to see a bit more of you before I move on. Perhaps we could have a drink together this evening?’
Ben’s gaze swivelled from me. ‘Aye, I’d like that. I’ll get changed into me best.’
Conan jumped to his feet. ‘Where’s the nearest telephone? I’d better warn my hosts I’ll be late – I’ll stay over in Carlisle tonight.’
Ben took him to the front door and gave him directions; I winced as I heard his accent deepen. But he did not go straight upstairs; instead he came back and sat down in the kitchen opposite me. ‘So your brothers had property, did they? And who did they leave it to, lass?’
At last I said, ‘Eddie left everything to Robbie, of course.’
‘And who did Robbie leave “everything” to?’ I sat there, my cheeks reddening, until he said heavily, ‘You don’t need to tell me – I know. I don’t want your money, lass, I made that clear from start – but, well, you might have trusted me.’ He got to his feet and stumped slowly up the stairs.
Conan was already back by the time Ben came down. As they left Ben began to lean towards me; I kept my eyes fixed on the empty hearth. He straightened his back again, saying, ‘Don’t bother with washing up, lass – I’ll see to it. You need a rest. Put your feet up on buffet, I’ve put it ready for you.’ He lumbered out.
I was lying back in the armchair when they finally returned; I felt heavy and languid. Ben was staring at me intently as he came out of the lobby, but my eyes looked beyond him – to Conan, so tall and slim. My cousin came forward. ‘Well, Hellie – it’s time I was on my way.’ He leant down, put his arm round my shoulder and bent to kiss my cheek – but I turned my face so that my lips met his and pressed my body against him; my womb was swollen and ready, and I wanted him. I sensed him trying to draw back, but I clung to him, longing for him – until a heavy hand on my shoulder jerked me roughly aside, while Conan’s fingers caught at my wrists and held them stiffly away from him. My cousin stood for a moment, staring at me his hands gripping my wrists like a vice until I twisted sharply and he suddenly let them go and backed away. Ben still held me fast, and his face was a dusky red as he looked down at me – then his fingers slowly unclamped themselves from my shoulder and the two men moved towards the door. I could hear Conan’s low voice, ‘I’m so sorry, old man – I wouldn’t have touched her if I’d thought…’ He was apologizing – how dared he apologize? He was my cousin – surely I had the right to kiss my cousin?
When Ben came back his face was set. ‘I’m going up plot – but before I go I’d best give you what you want – else happen you’ll be out on streets looking for it.’ He began to unbutton his trousers. ‘Get your drawers down, lass, and we’ll use hearthrug. It won’t take me long and I’ll not bother to get undressed – it won’t make any difference to you.’
I looked at him, and saw he was swollen and ready for me, so I slid down on to the hearthrug and opened my legs. ‘Take your drawers off, I told you.’ I pulled them off and threw them aside; I hated him – but my body was already opening for him as he knelt and lifted my hips. Even as he thrust into me I was writhing and moaning, but he held me fast until he had finished. Then he got up, rebuttoned his trousers and said, ‘That should satisfy you for an hour or two,’ and slamming the door hard behind him, he left.