Soon Mother’s guests began to arrive. Conan came, and shortly after him Eileen Enscombe – who had been Eileen Fox on that long-ago day at Eton, and had been engaged to Guy and thrown him over. I wondered why Mother had invited her – not that Guy seemed to bear her any ill will – but then I noticed the look of satisfaction on Conan’s face as his eyes rested on her mass of glossy dark hair, and Alice, seeing the direction of my gaze, whispered, ‘It’s been going on for months – quite a record for Conan!’
I overheard Eileen’s finely-modulated voice expressing her sorrow at her husband’s absence – ‘But the gas still affects his lungs, Lady Pickering – so I had to insist he stayed quietly at home.’
‘Such a shame, my dear’ – my mother allowed her eyes to stray for just that fraction of a second too long to where Conan lounged on the settee, then she murmured to her guest, ‘So sad for you.’
Eileen’s lovely complexion did not even change colour as she echoed, ‘Yes, Lady Pickering – so sad.’ Lucky Guy.
The drawing room was crowded that night, and Conan and I scarcely exchanged more than a few words, but the following morning he suggested a stroll in the garden before lunch. We walked slowly over the lawn, arm in arm – not saying much but happy in each other’s company; then I realized that he was leading me down to the maze. As we came up to the entrance I hung back – and he turned to me, smiling. ‘They should have let us be, that evening – shouldn’t they, Helena?’
He was waiting for my answer, but I hesitated, before finally saying, ‘But – I might have fallen with a child – and we were very young.’
‘Then we’d have had a son of – what would it be – eleven, by now! Just imagine that, Helena.’
I shifted a little, uneasily – before remembering what he had once told me, ‘But you must have a child of that age, Conan – the housemaid, who had to be married off to the groom…’
‘Good lord – so I must – I never thought of that. But I’d rather it had been your son, Helena.’
I pulled his arm round; I was tired, I wanted to go back to the house. My son was in my womb now – and his father would be here tomorrow.
Conan allowed me to lead him back up through the garden, without protest, but when we drew level with the magnolia tree he drew me under its boughs, and lifting my face to his, gently kissed me on the lips. ‘Goodbye, Hellie.’
I was startled. ‘But – I thought you were staying all week – are you going so soon?’
His smile was rueful. ‘I’m not going anywhere, Hellie – but you’ve already gone.’ Then he laughed. ‘I had some mad idea of one last romp in the maze – but you wouldn’t have come, would you?’
‘No, Conan – I wouldn’t.’
His hand slipped down, clasped mine and squeezed it. ‘Besides, any tricks of that sort and that over-muscled husband of yours would rend me limb from limb and strew the pieces all over the Japanese garden! And I’m a coward, sweet Coz, you know that.’ He laughed again and this time I laughed with him; then we went back into the house.
I went up to my room before the dressing bell that evening, and lay on my bed, resting. I dozed off and, half-waking up, reached out – only to realize that I was alone. I wondered where he was and what he was doing; I missed him. But he would come in the morning.
I had to refuse most of the heavy meal – the child was pressing on my stomach. After dinner I sat in the brightly lit drawing room while clever, handsome people chattered and laughed and smoked all around me. I listened idly: ‘Harry said…’ ‘Horace and Betty…’ ‘No – not really – how too dreadful!’ It was not my world any longer but it was pleasant to sit on the fine brocade sofa, smelling the scents of the garden wafting in through the open window behind me, holding the fragile porcelain coffee cup in my hand.
Cooper threw open the door. ‘Mr Holden, my lady.’ I jerked forward and the coffee cup bounced back on to its saucer – then I dumped them down anyhow and began to struggle to my feet. Ben – Ben was walking through the doorway – now I was standing – his face lit up as he saw me – I began to run down the length of the gilded room – straight into his arms.
He held me tight, too tight – but I did not mind. ‘Ben – oh Ben – you came early!’
His cheek was on mine, his arms hugging me. ‘Aye, lass – I swapped shifts with Jethro Yates, and I reckoned if I had everything ready and ran like hell in Manchester I should be able to do it. So here I am.’ He kissed me, and I clung to him, then he drew back, smiling. ‘Come on lass, we’d best sit down – we’re in road.’
As he released me I glanced round – the babble of conversation was silenced, and the eyes of that whole smartly-clad throng were fixed on the two of us. My mother’s face was a mask; then she turned and picked up her conversation with Lady Maud and the room came alive again.
Ben led me to a seat, settled a cushion behind my back and said, ‘I’d best say hello to the dragon, lass – and your pa.’
Mother took his proferred hand, but her face was frigid; then her eyes flicked over his figure – he was wearing one of his new suits which fitted him well – and her expression softened a fraction. She beckoned to the waiting Cooper. ‘Tell Mrs Hill to have the bed made up in Lady Helena’s dressing room.’
But Ben interrupted her. ‘That won’t be necessary, my lady – if her bed’s not big enough I’ll sleep on floor beside her.’
Eileen Fox’s titter was distinctly audible. My mother’s eyebrows arched as she looked at Ben, then she asked him, ‘Have you eaten?’
‘No, my lady – there weren’t time.’
She turned to Cooper. ‘Mrs Hill need not bother with the dressing room, but ask her to send up some refreshments for my son-in-law.’
When Cooper came back Ben held out his hand to me. I went with him to the morning room and sat down beside him at the big oval table; as soon as the butler had left us Ben said, ‘You’re not near enough, sweetheart,’ and pulled my chair closer to his. I leant on his shoulder and he put his arm round my waist and hugged me to him. ‘Reckon I can drink soup one-handed.’ The chicken soup smelt delicious; I could feel my nostrils quivering. Ben laughed. ‘Open your mouth.’ I did as he bid me and he tipped in a spoonful of the savoury liquid.
He fed me alternate spoonfuls, and I sat with my lips parted ready, like a fledgeling. The door opened just as Ben was feeding me, and I swallowed quickly, embarrassed – but it was only Alice. ‘Don’t get up, Ben’ – she glided forward – ‘I just came to tell you that Letty’s arrived, she’ll be joining you in a minute – she had a breakdown at Derby and was delayed.’
Letty came bouncing in shortly after. ‘Hello, Ben – how are you, Helena? Gosh, I’m starving – I was late starting as it was, and then that wretched motor of mine… The engine was misfiring – I thought it was just water in the petrol at first, but it was getting worse, so I had to stop and clean the pick-ups on the magneto – thank goodness that did the trick.’
‘I didn’t know you had a car, Letty?’
‘Oh yes – a nice little Morris Oxford, a late birthday present from Uncle Arnold, since he was abroad in the summer.’ She winked at me. ‘I’m not officially allowed to keep it while I’m in college, but I’ve made an arrangement.’ Yes, Letty would. Leaning against Ben’s shoulder, I listened while she chatted to him.
Ben nudged me. ‘You’re almost asleep, sweetheart – time you were in bed. I’ll just go and say me goodnights and tell your ma I’m taking you straight upstairs.’ I imagined Eileen Fox’s titter when he delivered that message, but I did not care.
As he left us Letty buttered another roll and asked, ‘Is Maud here?’
‘Yes, of course.’
‘So they’ve made it up, then.’
‘Made it up?’ I was puzzled.
‘There was an awful row in the summer – Maud caught Papa creeping out of Mother’s bedroom one morning – he’d been there all night!’
I stared at her. ‘Not – Mother and Papa?’
‘Apparently – it does seem indecent, doesn’t it? Poor old Maud was in quite a state – she didn’t blame Papa, she said men were like that – but she was so hurt about Mother, they’ve always been such good friends, you see. I’m glad they’ve made it up. To tell you the truth I think Mother was quite upset by it too – she never thought she’d get found out. I guessed she was up to something at Easter – she had that smug she-cat look on her face – but I couldn’t think who it was – and she obviously thought she’d been covering her tracks. Still, even the cleverest operator makes mistakes occasionally, I should know that – I really am thrilled with this car!’
Ben came back. ‘I’ve done the rounds and been polite to everybody.’ He was pleased with himself. ‘Up you get now.’
In bed I nestled up against him. ‘Go to sleep now, lass.’
‘Ben…’
‘No, you’re tired out.’
I slid my hand down. ‘But you want me, Ben.’
‘’Course I do, after three days – but that don’t mean I got to have you.’
I was very sleepy but I had missed him; I wanted to feel him inside me, so I stroked him gently, ‘Please, Ben.’
His arms tightened, then he whispered, ‘All right, sweetheart – come across me legs, then.’ He lifted me over his thighs and curled himself under my behind; I clasped him in my arms.
Next morning he said accusingly, ‘You were asleep afore I’d finished.’
I laughed and kissed his neck. ‘But I had nice dreams, Ben!’
‘I’ve got no control over you, my girl – no control at all. I’m ashamed to admit I were once a sergeant-major. Now, let’s see how youngster’s getting on.’
Ben still had his ear pressed to my belly when the maid came in with the jug of hot water and the tea tray; she stared astounded at the enormous lump in the bed. Ben poked his head out, saw her and dived frantically back under the bedclothes again. ‘It’s eight-thirty, my lady – shall I draw the curtains?’
‘Thank you.’
I shook with suppressed laughter as Ben choked against my belly. When the door clicked shut he emerged, red-faced and spluttering. ‘You might’ve told me she were coming – at least I’d have put me nightshirt on.’ Giggling, I put my arms around him. ‘You think you can kiss me and I’ll forgive you owt.’ When he took his mouth away he added, ‘Well, you’re right. Lass, I have missed you.’
I put up my hand and gently stroked his face: his strong curved eyebrows, his neat straight nose. With the tip of my finger I traced the shape of his mouth; his blue-grey eyes held mine. The skin of his chin was rough to my touch as I brushed my cheek against him. I felt warm and soft and loving. His hand slipped inside my nightdress and began to caress my breasts. I whispered, ‘I missed you, too, Ben.’
We were last down to breakfast; my mother looked up at us, her eyes narrowed. Ben beamed at her as he said his good mornings, then glanced at me with the ghost of a wink before leading me to a seat. ‘I’ll fetch you summat – you take it easy now.’
Beside me Alice murmured, ‘Did the maid forget to wake you, Helena?’
‘Yes – I mean – no, she did bring the tea.’ I was blushing as Alice’s mouth curved into a smile, while her eyes rested on Ben’s broad shoulders, leaning over the hot-plate. I called to him, ‘Some devilled kidneys, please, Ben.’
He grunted as he continued his exploration under the silver lids, but when he came back there was only scrambled egg and a crisp rasher of bacon on my plate. ‘Ben, I wanted…’
‘Aye, I heard you, sweetheart, but them’s too rich for you at present – you’ll only get indigestion. You eat what I’ve given you.’ I started to get up – he was right, but I did enjoy devilled kidneys – and felt a large hand come down on my shoulder. ‘No, lass.’ I sank back into the chair. Opposite me Eileen Fox looked astounded.
I told him, ‘You’re a bully, Ben Holden.’
‘Aye, happen I am – and happen you need a bit of bullying sometimes.’ I felt his fingers move from my shoulder and begin to stroke the nape of my neck; turning my head I pressed my cheek against his warm hand – then I picked up my knife and fork and began to eat the scrambled eggs. He carefully carved two wafer- thin slices of kidney from those on his own plate and transferred them to mine. Slowly I ate his gift, savouring the strong, spicy flavour. As I reached for my cup I saw Eileen Fox watching me, her mouth pinched; then, turning to my cousin, she began to flirt with him, in her carefully tuned voice. Conan answered her politely, but his mind was obviously elsewhere.
I remembered how once, long ago, I had envied Eileen’s quick wit and vivid presence; now she was pale under her rouge – poor Eileen, with a husband to be hoodwinked and a lover to be placated – I did not envy her any more. I felt Ben’s warm thigh press mine under the table, while his son kicked me hard so that I jumped a little in my chair – and my husband smiled at me in quick understanding.
Papa wiped his mouth with his napkin and tossed it down beside his plate. ‘Do you fancy coming out to the butts this morning, Holden – try your hand at the partridges? I can fix you up with a gun.’
Ben looked pleased. ‘Yes, I’d like that my lord – thanks.’
I said quickly, ‘Didn’t you have enough shooting in the war?’
‘This is different – birds don’t shoot back!’ He winked at Conan and they both laughed. ‘Don’t you fret, sweetheart, I’ll not stay out all day. You put your feet up this morning and have a rest then I’ll be back at midday to share a bite with you – and you can play me some songs this afternoon.’
Soon after, he kissed me goodbye and left with the men; I wandered through to the music room and began to leaf through my old music. Alice came in while I was sitting with a couple of scores in front of the crackling fire and I smiled up at her. She drew up a chair opposite me, lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply, watching me in silence for a few minutes; then she asked. ‘What are you looking for, Helena – love songs?’ I glanced at her in surprise as she continued, ‘I was wrong, wasn’t I? It wasn’t once in a lifetime for you, it’s happened a second time – you’re in love again.’
I stared at her: whatever was she implying? Then I guessed what she meant and retorted defensively, ‘Conan and I are just cousins!’
Her eyebrows arched in amazement, then she burst out laughing. ‘Oh Helena, you are priceless – of course you’re not in love with Conan, you never have been. It’s Ben Holden you’ve fallen in love with – your own husband!’
‘But – but I had to marry him – because…’ My voice trailed away, I was totally confused – Ben was just – Ben.
‘Silly little Helena! You should have seen your face yesterday, when you ran to him like that – the whole room was stunned into silence. I’ve never seen anything like it – and in your condition, too! You may have glowed like a candle with Gerald but with him you blaze up like one of those naphtha flares. You look as if you’d scorch anyone who came near you – except Ben of course – with him it’s all big soft eyes and lying on his shoulder.’ She stubbed out her cigarette, almost angrily. ‘You’ve been lucky, Helena – bloody lucky.’ She sprang to her feet and walked out. I sat on by the fire, shaking. I remembered Ben telling me so many times: ‘I love you, Helena, I love you’. But I had never said it to him, and suddenly it was very important that I should do so – I must go to him, say it to him – now.
I hurried out of the music room, spurring my clumsy body into a trot, and headed for the family entrance. The butts were too far – I could not walk there fast enough, so I turned towards the stables. The groom offered to take me in the governess cart, but I asked him just to harness the lawn-mower pony for me – I had driven him since childhood. I climbed awkwardly up to take the reins and at my signal the pony plodded obediently off.
The sharp crack of the shotguns told me I was nearing my goal, and swinging round the corner I saw Letty, barrel aimed high. Beside her was Ben. His body was slightly crouched, because he was used to firing from a trench, from a hole in the ground.
I drove closer and he turned and saw me; at once he thrust his gun into the hands of my sister’s loader and came striding forward. ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing driving that thing – in your condition!’ He was angry. ‘You get down this minute.’ Climbing quickly in, he seized hold of me and half-lifted me out; the lawn-mower pony bent his head and began placidly cropping the grass. ‘Now, what do you think you’re up to?’
‘I wanted to tell you something, Ben.’
‘Well, it’ud better be worthwhile, after you risking your neck like that.’
‘Ben, I was absolutely safe – why, I could still ride if I wanted – in a side-saddle.’
‘Ride! You ride like you are now – just you try, my lass just you try!’ His face was purple with fury. ‘Now, what do you want to tell me, then I can get back to me gun – and then you’ll have to wait out here until dinner time.’
I looked at him, and my lips would not form the words. I had been rehearsing then all the way down in the governess cart – and now I was here he was impatient – he wanted to get back and shoot partridges. ‘It doesn’t matter now, Ben – you go and shoot.’ I turned and began to stumble away, trying to hide my tears.
He came after me. ‘Obviously it does matter – what is it, lass?’ His arm came round me, and pulled me against him. I buried my face in his jacket. ‘You’re not starting, are you?’ Now his voice was urgent.
‘No – no, nothing like that.’
‘Just stay here a minute.’ He propped me against the back of the game cart and I sagged there, still fighting my tears.
When he came back Letty was with him. ‘It’s all right, Helena – I’ll drive you.’ She jumped lithely up and took the reins. Ben helped me in after her – then climbed in himself and latched the door. ‘Where do you want to go?’
‘Somewhere quiet, Letty lass – but not too far from th’ouse.’
She pursed her lips a moment before deciding, then shook her hands – the cart started with a jolt. I was a much better driver than Letty – it was not fair.
Ben lifted me down on the slope below the ha-ha, and led me up to one of the horse chestnut trees just beyond the end of the garden. He had brought a rug with him from the shoot, and now he spread it out on the sheltered side of the trunk. ‘There you are – sit yourself down on that.’ He called. ‘Ta, Letty.’ My sister raised her hand before the cart jerked off.
He dropped down beside me, his voice more gentle now. ‘What is it you want to tell me, lass – that’s so important?’ I could not answer – I felt painfully, desperately shy. ‘Come on now – out with it.’
I could not look at him. My fingers plaited the fringe of the rug. ‘It was – it was something Alice said to me – this morning.’
‘Oh, ah – and what did Alice say, then?’
I stared down at the plait, then plunged on: ‘She said – she said I was in love with you, Ben.’
I heard him laugh softly. ‘Aye – I reckon you are.’
I looked up at him; his blue-grey eyes were warm. ‘But – how did you know?’
‘If I’d not known afore I reckon I’d ’a’ known last night – when you come to me in a room full o’ smart folk – waddling like a duck you were, but you kept going – with your eyes as round as saucers!’ He laughed. ‘But I knew afore that, from the way you’ve bin with me these past weeks.’
I felt rather flat. ‘So I didn’t need to come and tell you.’
‘Oh yes you did, lass – oh yes you did. Knowing it’s one thing, but hearing it said, that’s quite another. And you haven’t said it yet – only what Alice said. I want to hear you say it now.’
He put his hands out and clasped mine. I looked back into his eyes, took a deep breath and said, ‘I love you, Ben – I love you,’ and threw myself forward into his arms.
We lay together on the rug with the autumn leaves rustling above our heads while he stroked my hair and whispered words of love. Then he pulled me even closer to say, ‘It’s a funny thing, Helena – I’m lying beside you feeling on top of world – and for first time I’m not standing to attention down below. I love you so much it’s gone beyond that.’ He kissed my cheek. ‘But you needn’t worry, lass – I reckon it’ll come back later!’ I felt the familiar vibration of the laughter in his chest – and laughed with him.