“I’m going to enjoy my freedom, too, while I have it, and I’m eating all of Uan’s junk food while I’m there.” I shivered and looked in the direction of our house. “I’d planned to go home to shower and change, but I’m not sure I want an eyeful of Uan. Let me know if there’s anything going on today. Two days in a row watching movies is going to get a little boring.”
“Will do. You do the same.”
“I will.”
He walked off toward Garrett’s, and I turned around to head back to Thallirin’s. If I was lucky, I’d find something else to wear at his house. The fey were known to collect women’s clothes in hopes that they’d catch a female for themselves as if we were wild rabbits just running around waiting for their snares and cuddles.
Thallirin opened the door for me before I even reached it.
“Hey,” I said. “Hope you don’t mind I’m back so soon.” I stepped inside and removed my jacket. “Turns out Mom and Uan are still having sex. You wouldn’t happen to have any spare clothes here, would you? I was hoping for a shower and a clean change of clothes when I went home.”
“Go shower. I will find you something and put it in your room.”
“Really? Thanks.”
I closed myself into the guest bathroom and stripped down. Because of the supply runs, I didn’t usually shower in the morning. It was too cold to have wet hair while guarding the trucks. And I’d skipped my shower last night because I’d assumed I’d have one this morning—it being a no-supply-run day. After going for days at a time without bathing post-quakes, I ensured I got my daily showers when I could.
Testing the water, I ducked under the spray with a sigh and washed my hair. I didn’t linger long. Just long enough for my skin to turn pink and my fingers to prune. Okay, I took my sweet-ass time and loved it.
When I finally got out of the shower, I dried off then wrapped the damp towel around my torso to cross the hall. A set of clothes waited on my bed as promised.
“Thank you,” I called as I dropped the towel and picked up the underwear he’d set out for me. They were mine.
Frowning, I looked in the bag on the chair and found that everything in it was mine.
I turned toward the bed again and froze at the sight of Thallirin in the doorway. He was gripping the frame, and his head hung low like he’d been punched in the balls. He wasn’t looking at the ground, though. He was looking at me with tormented eyes.
As I watched, the darkness consuming the tips of his ears spread to his face and down his neck.
“Are you okay?” I said softly.
“Forgive me.”
He straightened and stepped into the room.
My pulse skyrocketed, and I retreated a pace.
He didn’t follow, though. He reached for the knob and pulled the door closed so I could dress in private. I exhaled slowly and wondered how I felt about what had just happened. Sure, my pulse was pounding in fear, but there was something else there, too. Something terrifyingly unexpected. Disappointment. But was it because he hadn’t chased me or because I’d retreated from him and likely hurt his feelings?
I hurried to dress then left my room to look for Thallirin, unsure if I needed to apologize or thank him. He wasn’t anywhere in the house, though. Figuring he might need some time to cool off, I went to the snack cupboard to look for something new then put on another movie.
It took Thallirin an hour to return, and he wasn’t alone.
“Bundle up, Brenna,” Zach said, in greeting. “Garrett and I had an idea.”
I turned off the TV and tossed Zach what was left of the snack mix I’d opened.
“Oooh. This stuff’s good.”
I watched in amusement as he scooped a handful into his mouth and chewed.
“Maybe you better explain what’s going on,” I said.
Given Zach’s mouthful, I looked to Thallirin for an explanation. For the first time ever, the big guy wasn’t studying me. Thallirin’s attention remained on Zach as he answered, and I knew it wasn’t because Zach was horking down the snacks.
“Zach wants to take the supplies you don’t need and trade at Tenacity.”
Instead of asking if he was all right, I decided to let Thallirin’s weirdness slide until we were alone and could talk about what had happened.
Zach finished chewing and rolled up what was left of the bag to put into his pocket.
“Garrett’s in the same boat as we are. He has a surplus of stuff and is hoping he can trade for more diversity. While we could just swap out supplies with what’s in the shed, we figured trading with Tenacity might open up more goodwill. And, with new survivors hopefully coming their way, maybe we can help Matt out without making it look like a freebie.”
“And seeing the fey willing to trade would be a good impression on the new people,” I added.
Zach grinned.
“So, you in?” he asked.
“I’m in.” I hurriedly layered my outerwear then followed the pair to our house, where other fey were coming out with boxes of stuff.
“How much are we trading?” I asked.
“Mom’s inside sorting. It’s up to her.”
“She’s up and dressed?”
“Yeah, Uan came looking for me after this guy woke Mom up to get some clothes for you,” he said, nodding toward Thallirin, who walked in front of us for a change.
I went inside and found Mom in the living room, directing fey.
“Morning, sweetie,” she said with a smile. I went to give her a kiss, and she caught me in a hard hug.
“You, Zach, and I will need to talk tonight. Okay?”
I nodded and hugged her back.
She released me and explained what she was trying to do. We had a surplus of toiletries. She was sending most of that, except for the toilet paper, and some tomato-based canned goods that the fey didn’t really care for.
“I don’t expect to get much food for the soaps, but maybe people would be willing to part with some clothes big enough to fit the fey.” She paused. “You know, so they don’t have to walk around in the buff. And, any canned vegetables that they’re willing to swap for pasta sauce would be good.”
I grinned.
“I’ll do my best. But I don’t think you need to worry so much about clothes for the fey. They always seem to find something to wear when they want it.”
She frowned at Uan, who was watching us.
“We’re an open family, Mom. Remember? It’s no big deal.”
“You weren’t here listening to your brother gag.”
“According to Zach, you were still sleeping.”
Mom flushed.
“Chicken,” I said softly.
She swatted me.
“Go trade and come home for dinner. Both of you.”
“Yes, Ma’am,” I said playfully.
Zach, Thallirin, and I followed the fey to the wall, where we met up with Garrett and a few other fey.
“I’m swapping some stuff out for food, too,” Garrett said, inspecting our boxes. “I think there should be enough interest. Ready?”
One of the fey stepped up to carry me. I looked at Thallirin, who conveniently had a box in his arms.
“Would you mind taking the box so Thallirin can carry me?”
Thallirin flinched a little.
“Unless you don’t want to carry me?”
All the fey around us looked at him, waiting for an answer.
“I want to carry you,” he said gruffly.
“Good.”
The fey beside me took Thallirin’s box, and I stood before him, waiting. He picked me up gently as if I were made of glass. I looked up at him, noting the dark flush in his face as he continued to look anywhere but at me. The slight tremble in his arms melted me a little, and I laid my head against his chest. His flinch at the contact was thoroughly confusing, though. In Uan’s kitchen, Thallirin had been pretty clear that he’d liked me touching him. I’d seen the resulting tent. He’d definitely liked touching me. Why was carrying me different? Wasn’t that what he’d wanted all along? Did seeing me naked turn him off? The idea that it might have hurt more than a little.
“Did I do something wrong?” I asked quietly.
His arms tightened around me ever so slightly.
“No.”
Then he jumped the wall and was running before I could say more. I turned my head into his chest to escape the wind. He smelled nice. Like soap and him. I inhaled more deeply, and he trembled again.
“Sorry,” I mumbled.
We arrived at Tenacity before my legs got too cold from the wind. The people who witnessed a swarm of fey coming over the wall were less than welcoming until they saw the supplies in the fey’s arms.
Comments like “take your grey asses back home” were quickly replaced with “I can take that from here.”
“The fey aren’t bringing you supplies,” Garrett said. “This is some of the stuff that Zach and I got on the last run. We have too much of some things and are hoping to trade.”
Some of the bystanders left. One said he’d get Matt for us. The rest grumbled because they weren’t getting the handouts they’d thought they were getting.
Ignoring them, I looked up at Thallirin.
“You going to let me stand?”
The muscle in his jaw flexed as I waited for some kind of answer. Slowly, he lowered me. He still wouldn’t meet my eyes, though, when he straightened.
“Thank you, Thallirin,” I said instead. “Will you carry me home, too?”
He grunted.
Staying by him, I waited for Matt with Garrett and Zach. If Matt was surprised to see us with a bunch of fey and supplies, he didn’t let on.
“Welcome back,” he said with a handshake for each of us. “I hear you want to trade.”
“If you think anyone would be interested,” Garrett said.
“Oh, I think there might be interest. What are you looking to trade for?”
“Anything we don’t currently have,” Garrett said. “We’ll consider each offer.”
Matt waved us over to their supply shed. “Set up in here. It’ll keep you out of the wind. And keep things orderly.” He turned to the crowd.
“Spread the word that some of the humans from Tolerance are here to trade. Everyone’s welcome to see what they have and to make offers.”
People came in droves to look at what we had and left again to check their homes for anything we might want. I spent most of my day negotiating for things I thought any of us might use. There wasn’t much to be had. I let four jars of sauce go in exchange for a can of tuna fish because the woman had seemed a little desperate. Zach started doing the same, taking two new movies in exchange for another jar of pasta sauce.
Near noon, one woman came with a hot portion of stew for Garrett, Zach, and myself in exchange for two cans of diced tomatoes, each. Since my stomach was growling, I readily agreed. We took a small break while the fey watched over our things. I took a bite of potatoes and peas then stabbed a piece of meat and held it out to Thallirin.
“Do you want some?”
He ate it off my fork without reply. I shared at least half the meat with Thallirin before I licked the gravy from the bowl with my finger. When I looked up, I caught Thallirin staring before he quickly averted his gaze.
Returning to my spot, I started up the trading once more. Our supplies slowly dwindled, and our eclectic collection of items grew.
We only had a few boxes left when we heard the engines approach from outside the wall. Matt, who’d been monitoring the trading from a distance, came over.
“The new survivors are here,” he said. “I’ve sent word to Mya. She and Drav are coming over to talk to them. You’re welcome to stay, but I think we should shut down the trading for now.”
“Sure thing,” Garrett said. “Mind if we do this again sometime?”
“Anytime. You were more than fair with your trading.” He lowered his voice. “This will go a long way to keep relations between the two camps hospitable, too.”
Garrett nodded.
“That’s what we were thinking.”
We packed up quickly.
“Want to stay and listen to Mya’s speech?” Zach asked.
“No, thanks. I’ve heard it once before. I think I’m ready to head home instead of gawk at scared, starved people.”
By silent agreement, Zach and I left what remained of the supplies we’d originally brought with us and took back only what we’d traded for. Matt would need the supplies for the new mouths.
I looked up at Thallirin.
“Ready to take me home?” He immediately scooped me up, cradling me gently once more, and strode from the storage shed.
I didn’t say anything until we crossed over Tolerance’s walls.
“We need to talk,” I said. “In private.”
He grunted and jogged to Uan’s house. No. Thallirin’s house. My feet finally touched ground again on Thallirin’s front step. He reached around me to open the door. Heat enveloped me as I took off my boots and jacket.
“I know Mom said we’re having dinner there, but I’m hungry now.” I went to the kitchen and dug around for the open bag of cheese curls. While I hadn’t been kidding about my hunger, I mostly needed a moment to collect my thoughts.
Turning, I found Thallirin watching me from the other side of the table. He averted his gaze.
“I’m sorry about this morning,” I said. “I know I’m safe with you, and I shouldn’t have backed away when you saw me in the bedroom.”
He grunted but still didn’t look at me.
“Are you mad at me?”
That got his attention, and he looked up as he spoke.
“Never.”
His gaze slid back to the table, and I considered him for a long, silent moment.
“Then, I’m guessing this whole not looking at me thing is because of seeing me naked. I am sorry if it took you by surprise. I’ll try to be more conscious of closing the door. But, nudity is nothing to be ashamed of, and I would be really grateful if you stopped acting like I did something wrong.”
His gaze slowly lifted.
“You did nothing wrong. The only shame this morning was mine.”
“Why?”
He exhaled slowly, still watching me.
“I did not think of you as a child when I saw you.”
“Ah.” I considered him for a moment, more than a little relieved he hadn’t been turned off at the sight of me. “Since I have the body of a woman, I think it’s understandable. I’m not a child anymore, Thallirin. I haven’t been for a while.”
“You’re eighteen?”
“No. Not yet. But, that doesn’t make me a child.”
His brow twitched slightly, and I knew I’d confused him.
“How about we watch a movie for a while and stop overthinking this, okay?”
He grunted and went to the living room. I followed.
“What are you in the mood for?” I asked, bending to inspect the movies. “Action? Comedy?” I glanced back and caught him staring at my butt. When he saw I’d noticed, he immediately averted his gaze.
“Okay. You win,” I said, crossing my arms and facing him. There was safety in him thinking of me as a child, but it wasn’t fair to him. Feeling what he was feeling for me, and all the things I’d said to him about being a pedophile, was tearing him apart. And, it was making him act weirder than the fey-norm.
“I’m not a child, Thallirin,” I said. “Go on. Say it.”
“You are still a child, Brenna.”
“By how many days?” He blinked at me. “You don’t know. Me, either. My birthday is in March. Sometimes the snow is gone by then, sometimes it’s not. It really just depends on the year.
“It was Thanksgiving before the quakes. It’s been months since then. Christmas and New Year’s have passed. But by how much? I’ve lost track of the days, and there’s no calendar to know. So, am I turning eighteen tomorrow or in two months? And if it’s in two short months, how does that still make me a child? Do you think there’s some magical change that occurs on the stroke of midnight on my birthday?”
“I’m not trying to be mean, Thallirin. All I want is for you to realize that turning the big one-eight isn’t going to change who I am. My body will look the same. Well, maybe a little fuller if I keep eating all the junk food in this house, but I’ll still be this same person I am now. I’ll still be me.”
“I know.”
“Then stop trying to not look at me. If you want to look, look. It doesn’t make you a pedophile because I’m not a child. I should have never said that to you. If having you look at me upsets me, I will tell you. But, right now, it’s more upsetting having you act all weird around me. I was starting to like the you before you saw my boobs.”
He grunted.
“Does that mean we’re good and you’re going to stop pretending like I don’t exist?”
“I know you exist.”
“Good.” I went back to the movies and picked something fun.
When I turned, Thallirin was watching me. This time, he didn’t look away. I smiled and sat beside him. He handed me my snacks, and I spent the next little while happily crunching away. When it started to get dark out, I paused the movie.
“We better head over to Mom’s for dinner,” I said, standing.
He stood slowly, crowding into my space when I didn’t back up. I tilted my head to look at him.
“Do you want to come to dinner with me?”
“Yes.”
“Do you mind if I sleep here, again, afterward?”
“No.”
I smiled my thanks but didn’t move, my pulse hammering in my chest again. I didn’t know what I wanted from him. But, I wanted something. A touch? Some affectionate words? None of it felt right yet, but thinking of walking away felt wrong, too.
He seemed to be in the same place because he didn’t move either. His gaze dipped to my lips, and my heart stuttered for a moment.
“Go get your jacket, Brenna,” he said.
I quickly stepped around him and put my stuff on.
The walk to Mom’s was quiet, each of us lost in our own thoughts. Like the evening before, I rang the doorbell. Uan answered it with a grim expression.
“No more doorbells,” he said.
“Um…okay. Why?”
“Because this is your damn house,” Mom said from the kitchen as I took off my jacket.
She was scowling when I entered the kitchen. Ignoring it, I went to her and kissed her cheek.
“I know this is my house. I also know that you two love birds are in a new phase, and I’m trying to respectfully give you some time and space.”
She looked only slightly appeased.
“Have you seen Zachy?”
“He’ll be here. He’s hanging out at Garrett’s, I think.”
“Do you want me to find him?” Uan asked, coming to stand by Mom. He rested his hand on her shoulder, and she reached up to cover it with her own. When she looked up at Uan, her expression softened. She might be afraid that her kids were pulling away, but it was very clear she was happy with her choice.
I glanced at Thallirin and found him watching me. This time, I was the one to flush because I was wondering if I would be as happy if I did someday give in to Thallirin.
We didn’t need to wait long for Zach. He showed up with Garrett in tow.
“I brought a friend,” he said. “Mom, this is Garrett. Garrett, this is my mom, Nancy.”
Garrett said hello.
“Garrett has a game console and some multi-player games to go with it. Can I stay over at his place tonight?” Zach asked as they hung up their jackets and joined us at the table.
“Just for tonight,” Mom said. “This is still your house.” She passed the veggies to me, and I helped myself to a large portion.
“I know,” Zach said. “But this might be the last working game console on Earth. My teen-boy blood can’t turn its back on that.”
Mom rolled her eyes.
Knowing that Thallirin and Uan wouldn’t care for the veggies, I half-stood and passed them over to Garrett. Because seating was a little squished, my boob brushed against Thallirin’s arm again. I pretended not to notice his bent fork or his slight shiver.
Dinner progressed nicely, and it was fun to have a full table. When we were done, Mom suggested the guys go outside while she and I cleaned up. As soon as the door shut behind them, she arched a brow at me.
“Next time pound on the wall and tell us to stop,” she said. “The last thing I meant to do was to drive my children out of their home. Or make you stay with someone who makes you uncomfortable.”
I snorted.
“I am not pounding on the walls. And staying with Thallirin doesn’t make me uncomfortable. After he overheard what happened to me, he and I talked. As usual, communication cleared up any misunderstandings, and he’s been good. No bossing me around, talking to me openly about his concerns…I think I actually like being around him now.”
She studied me for a minute.
“Right cupboard above the stove,” she said.
Curious, I looked and found a stack of birth control packets.
“Uan spread the word that it’s dangerous for someone my age to have a baby, so all the birth control they find has been coming here. Cassie said to pick one kind and stick with it. Help yourself.”
“Whoa. I said I liked being around him, not that I wanted to have sex.”
“I know. And I’m not suggesting you should. I’m suggesting you start taking the pill so, if you ever want to change your mind, you’re ready. We aren’t living in the same world we used to live in, Brenna. The old rules don’t apply. Don’t let anything hold you back from what you want, you hear me?”