December 4
Breaking—Russell Cleared of Wrongdoing
Ephraim Russell, an Assistant Professor of English, was cleared of any wrongdoing today by a panel chaired by Diversity and Inclusion Dean Martika Malik-Adams. There had been accusations from some students regarding the use of violent and offensive language in Professor Russell’s classroom, including some that was considered racist. In a prepared statement, Dean Malik-Adams said, “While some of the language used in Professor Russell’s class was regrettable, it appears that there has been no specific violation of any university codes, therefore no action will be taken by the university at this time. We look forward to more specific guidelines forthcoming from the Committee on Safe and Open Classrooms.”
Dean Malik-Adams could not be reached for further comment.
“You made the recording,” Eph said.
“I usually record my classes on my phone, in case I miss something. I get distracted easily.”
“I guess I should thank you.”
“I guess you should.”
“Well, thank you. I mean it.”
Lulu leaned forward. “Do you, Professor?”
“Of course.”
Lulu grabbed the bottle of Jack and smiled. “Then I think we should both celebrate.”
“Hey, you’d better put that away. Seriously.” Eph glanced at his office door, which was still slightly ajar.
Lulu just smiled. “Sure thing, Professor.” Instead of putting the bottle down, she tilted her head back and took several large swallows without the slightest grimace. “Frankly, Professor, I think I deserve more than just a thank-you.”
“If this is about grades…”
“It’s not about grades.…” She took another swig.
“Give me that!” Eph snatched the bottle out of her hands.
“You know, all the girls think you’re hot.” She leaned forward and teased with the top button of her blouse.
Oh, shit. Harris’s intentions were now abundantly clear, even to Eph, who’d always been the last person to know when a woman liked him. “Well, yes, naturally … I mean, no … which is to say you’re…” Eph was aware he was starting to sound like an idiot in front of this eighteen-year-old girl. Lulu stood up and walked around the desk. “Listen, I’m flattered, really, but…”
Lulu, apparently not interested in whatever Eph was saying, suddenly lifted a leg and straddled his lap. She then planted her mouth firmly on his, which was hanging conveniently open. It was on there like a suckerfish, tongue thrusting down his throat. All Eph could do was make a panicked, muffled sound. Mmmffft! Then Lulu leaned back and flashed innocent eyes, while simultaneously gyrating her hips. Eph tried desperately to not be aroused, a battle he was quickly losing.
“Something wrong, Professor?” Voices echoed outside in the hallway, sending sudden waves of panic through Eph. The door was still open. In another era, teacher-student dalliances were common, but the conventions regarding such things as student pelvises grinding on teacher laps had undergone a radical transformation.
Eph lurched, sending Lulu sprawling to the floor.
“Ow, fuck!”
Damn, did anyone hear that? Eph looked fearfully toward the door. “Shit! Sorry. Look, I can’t … my job, and besides, you seem very nice, but I have a girlfriend.” He helped Lulu back to her feet. “I’m flattered, really, and thanks for bringing your paper…” Thanks for bringing your paper? “I think it would be best if you left.” He sat back down.
“So, what, I’m not pretty enough for you?”
“More like not old enough. Sorry, really. You’re very … attractive, but I could get in trouble.”
“Attractive? What am I, thirty? Well, fuck you, Professor.” She made her way to the door, but suddenly turned and came around the back of Eph’s chair. In one quick motion, she lowered her head next to Eph’s and swung her iPhone around with her right arm. She pursed her lips like a duck and tapped the phone with a practiced thumb.
“Hey! Uh…” protested Eph, confused.
“Thanks, Professor!” And just like that, she was gone.
A few minutes later Eph’s laptop beeped, indicating he had a new email. It was from Lulu. The photo of the two of them.
Eph reached for the bottle.