A friend asked me about a difficult decision she had to make that required her loyalty. I’ve taken some time since to consider what loyalty means to me. I have come to understand that guilt should never come into it. Loyalty should never be won from guilt.

How often do we make decisions out of guilt? It’s difficult because often our loyalty comes from someone helping us in some way, or perhaps loving and caring for us.

There’s a scene in Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner when the character played by Sidney Poitier is speaking to his father. After being berated by his dad, who expects his son to live up to his ideals because of the sacrifices he and his mother had made, the son responds that he owes his father nothing—it was his job as a father to make sacrifices for his son, and he will in turn do the same for his own children.

That’s a bitter pill for most. I said that very thing to Damien in the hard times, that he owed me for what I did for him. I now know deep in my spirit that he owes me nothing. I did what I did for him for many reasons, but at the core, it was because I loved him. He owes me nothing, as I owe nothing to the people who have helped me.

That doesn’t mean that those who have helped us, or raised us, shouldn’t be honored, loved, or appreciated. But to act out of obligation and guilt when all that remains is hurt, judgment, or perhaps even a way of being that hinders your own destiny—to let someone remain in your life or to spend time with people who drag you down or, worse, inhibit your spiritual growth—is the big mistake we make over and over.

I believe loyalty, when it is true, comes from love. Love is not judgment or resentment, and it doesn’t come with a sense of obligation. Choices made from love feel different from choices made from fear. It’s not easy, but as you practice love, you’ll come to realize a freedom from the tangled ties that bind, especially when those bonds come at a huge price.

I’ve been using a simple technique when it comes to making choices. In my spirit, whenever a situation occurs that requires that I make a decision, I ask God to let me see a red light or a green light. It never fails, and the color is vivid. There’s no mistaking when to stop and when to go.

Try it the next time you’re being asked to do something that requires your loyalty. Take a beat and see how you feel in your heart center. Flow, or go, is felt as green; love is green. Fear is glaring red, and you’ll feel that too: a halting or a resistance to move.

This practice will also work in all other situations. You can use it to make big decisions or for something as simple as what to eat for breakfast. I tried this just the other day. Huge, glazed donut: RED. Egg-white spinach omelet: GREEN. It works every time, for any choice that needs to be made.