And the Stars Were Burning Brightly

This one time Lewi had stolen some weed from his brother and we were out in the park, near to the abandoned town hall. I told him about how powerful symbols can be. How they can be used to fuel hope or fear. Then I kept pointing up at the sky and showing him where all the different stars were and it just felt really peaceful and nice. Lewi was smoking more and more, and he kept shaking his head and saying, ‘You’re dead weird you . . . dead weird.’ And then he leaned in and kissed me. When I pulled away, he said, ‘I ain’t gay, I ain’t gay.’ But I didn’t care if he was. He was my best mate, and I would’ve been there for him no matter what. I’d never have told anyone what had happened between us. Never.

It’s almost dark by the time I get home. It’s not late, but I spent a bit of time just walking around after school. I must’ve checked my phone about a hundred times to see if Sophie had accepted my friend request, but nothing yet. I open the front door and hear the sound of the television coming from the living room. Some kinda lame quiz show is on. The lights are on, but the door is tightly shut. I walk in and Saul and Lauren are sitting on the sofa. He’s got his hand down the front of her top and she jumps, pulling at it to make sure she’s not showing anything.

‘Jesus,’ she says, then turns to Saul. ‘Thought you said you had a free house?’

‘Don’t worry,’ I say. ‘I ain’t gonna stick around while you two get off with each other.’

Saul smooths down his hair, and looks pissed that I’d interrupted them, but how was I supposed to know?

Saul sighs. ‘She’s gone round Carol’s,’ he says. ‘She’s taken Phoebe with her. They’re tryna sort out funeral stuff. You know, hymns and that.’

‘Al wouldn’t have wanted hymns,’ I say. ‘He’d want one of them shit indie songs he was always playing.’

‘It’s what Mum wants,’ Saul snaps. ‘She thinks there should at least be some religious stuff.’

I kick against the edge of the door with my foot, and see Saul mouth a sorry to Lauren out the corner of my eye. She tosses her head back, to shake her thick curls, and wraps her fingers round Saul’s hand. Her nails are painted this bright orange colour, and she rests her head on his shoulder.

Lauren sighs loudly and stands up, reaching for her jacket. ‘I’d better go anyway,’ she says to Saul. ‘My mum will go proper spare if I’m not home soon. She likes us all to have tea together. You walking me?’

Saul nods. ‘Yeah, course,’ he says. ‘What sort of boyfriend d’you think I am?’

‘One who lies about having a free house,’ she says. Saul can’t stop staring at her, probably cause he knows how lucky he is.

‘Nathan,’ she says. ‘What was all that about with Eli this morning? You know everyone’s been talking about it. Everyone’s been saying that you looked like you were proper gonna lose your rag. You don’t wanna be starting nothing with Eli.’

He looks at me and then at Lauren. Out of all the girls he could’ve gone out with in Wythenshawe, it had to be her. Yeah, she’s fit, but she can’t keep anything to herself.

‘I just wanted to speak to Lewi, all right? I wanted to find out wot he knows . . .’

‘Not this again,’ Saul says. ‘I thought you were gonna stop all this rubbish?’

‘It ain’t rubbish. You didn’t see him today. He was proper shady. I know he’s hiding summat more than ever now.’

Saul picks up his leather jacket. ‘Nate,’ he says. ‘Honestly, I ain’t gonna tell you again . . . ’

He turns the collar up and I see a smirk flash across Lauren’s face, like she’s happy that she caused an argument or summat. I shake my head and she reaches into her handbag and takes out her lipgloss.

‘Anyway,’ she says, ‘I’m not saying people don’t feel sorry for you, but you can’t go around acting all weird. Eli was saying that you were being a bit of a . . . you know.’

I feel my face getting all hot. Maybe that’s wot Megan thinks, too. That I’m losing the plot. Maybe that’s why everyone’s been staring at me, not cause they feel sorry for me, but cause they think I’m cracking up.

‘And I tell you what,’ Lauren continues, ‘you don’t wanna make an enemy out of Eli. He don’t even need an excuse to start something.’

‘He wouldn’t dare touch him,’ Saul says quickly. ‘Over my dead body would he lay a finger on Nate.’

Lauren shakes her head. ‘Anyway,’ she says, ‘I know it must be hard. You’re the one who . . . found Al and that. But, if you go round doing stuff like that, it’s not gonna help anyone.’

Wot else am I supposed to do? That’s wot I wanna say, but they don’t get it. They don’t know wot it was like for me to find Al. For me to look up at him hanging there and know that, if I would’ve come home sooner, I would’ve been able to stop him. That if I would’ve picked up the phone he’d still be here. I can’t just shut it all out and not want to find out wot happened.

‘All right, yeah,’ I say. ‘I’ll drop it. Everyone thinks I’ve got a screw loose. I get it.’ I don’t mean it – I won’t drop it till I find out wot happened – but I don’t need Saul on my back.

‘I won’t be long,’ he says as Lauren loops her arm through his. ‘Call me if you need anything, yeah?’

Lauren moves her hand across Saul’s bicep, running her fingers along his muscles. They’re always all over each other – it’s a bit too much if you ask me. The charm bracelet that Saul got for her birthday glints in the light. She thinks it’s from one of those really posh jewellery shops in town, but Saul got it off this guy on our estate who nicks things, then sells them on for a cheaper price. As I stare at the bracelet, something else catches my eye.

She jiggles the charm bracelet. ‘Saul got it me,’ she says. ‘You’ve seen it loads of—’

‘Not that,’ I say. I walk closer, and point to the top of her hand that’s exposed. ‘That.’

‘Oh . . .’ she says. ‘Yeah, I just did it in one of my mock exams. I’m always forgetting what those symbols mean . . . you know, in chemistry? Gases and all that. My dad said if I got a B he’d give me a hundred quid. And my teacher’s so blind that I could scribble the answers on my flipping forehead and he wouldn’t notice.’

I look at the scribble on her hand. It’s just one of those equation things, with a bubble around it. Lauren nudges Saul, and my throat goes all dry. Maybe it’s cause of the position of the scribble on Lauren’s hand, but it suddenly comes back to me. Where I’d seen the symbol in Al’s sketchbook before . . .

I run up the stairs to my room and close the door. I empty my rucksack out on to my bed, picking up my phone from the rest of the crap. I open up Facebook and go to Lewi’s profile. I scroll through his photos till I find wot I’m looking for.

The photo that was taken around the back of the sports hall with Lewi, Eli and Cole. I zoom in on the screen, focusing on Lewi’s hand. I hadn’t taken much notice before – I’d just thought it was some stupid mark – but now I can see it clearly. It’s the same symbol from Al’s drawing . . . the mountains, or triangles, all inside this swirl. I look at the three of them in the photo: Eli’s dark skin, Cole’s finger sticking up towards the camera. I dunno wot this symbol is, or wot it even means, but Eli and Cole and Lewi all have it. I take a screenshot of the photo on my phone.

I type SG in the search bar. Sophie’s profile comes up again, but she’s still not accepted my friend request. If Al was going out with her, then she might know wot the symbol means. Maybe Al told her things that he couldn’t tell me or Saul. I click on Messenger and then I type:

Why had Al drawn this symbol so many times? And why was Eli protecting Lewi? And who exactly is Sophie? I stare up at the plastic comet on my ceiling, and try to come up with reasons, but nothing makes sense. I get up and head out my bedroom door towards the second set of stairs that lead up to Al’s room. I haven’t been up there since it happened. But I need to figure this out and his room might have more clues.

I walk up the stairs slowly. My palms are all sweaty and my legs feel weird. Like I’ve just taken some stuff or downed a massive bottle of vodka. I force myself to keep going, one stair at a time, till I’m standing outside Al’s door.

His name is carved into the middle panel and he’s painted all these stars and planets around it on the wood. I touch the edge of the drawing with my finger and I feel sweat, or maybe it’s tears, on my face. I breathe out and push open his bedroom door.