I am alone. I am all alone and it is lonely in the In-between.
Mrs Carbery has moved on and, although I didn’t seek her company much, it was reassuring to know that she was here. Of course, I am aware of other earthbound spirits shuffling around the castle’s corridors, but they are unaware of me. Those who are stuck often don’t realize that they are dead. They exist in a strange, dream-like state – until someone comes to rescue them. Who is going to rescue me?
It used to be fun haunting the hotel, but I am tired of it now. It used to be entertaining watching the living going about their daily lives, but now it bores me. It used to be a thrill to travel by thought, but that too leaves me disenchanted. But what can I do? I am truly stuck. Stuck by my own volition. Even the castle, which held me earthbound because of my obsessive love, is losing its grip on my heart. And Jack has gone. Perhaps it wasn’t the castle that kept me here, but Jack; perhaps it was Jack all along.
After all, the castle is just bricks and mortar.
I am drawn to the Fairy Ring. A week has gone by since Jack was buried. He should have been scattered here, with me, but he was interred in the ground. But what does it matter? His body is of no use to him or anyone else now. It is only me and my romantic heart that likes the idea of our mortal remains being set free on the same wind, in the place that we had once made our own.
But it is not only our place. It is Colm and Margot’s too, and, by the look of Alana now pacing the grass, waiting for JP, it is theirs as well. Or rather, it used to be. She waits for him nervously and impatiently and, as she stares out to sea, her gaze is pulled into the far distant horizon. The place where all our truths can be found. The more she stares into that mysterious mist, the more she understands herself and her longings. And it comes to her, her truth, in a flash of awareness that causes her breath to catch in her chest.
She turns and JP is there, walking towards her in his tweed jacket and hat. His long strides confident. His face handsome. She is not used to seeing him like this.
She lifts her chin and pulls back her shoulders and the softness in her face hardens again. She does not want to expose herself.
‘Thank you for meeting me here,’ she says.
He greets her with a cautious smile. He is curious. He wonders why she has invited him to this particular place.
‘Do you remember the times we used to come up here?’ she says, turning her eyes to the sea once more. ‘It was our special place. It hasn’t changed. But we have.’
‘It’s been like this for thousands of years,’ he replies. ‘Think of the things these stones have witnessed.’
‘What I wouldn’t give to be able to talk to them.’
He grins. ‘You can talk to them as much as you like.’
‘You know what I mean, silly.’ She smiles in spite of herself. JP used to have the ability to make her laugh like no one else.
‘How are you bearing up?’ he asks.
She shrugs. ‘So-so. It hasn’t really sunk in yet. I still expect my father to be there, around the house. It feels strange without him.’ She gazes at JP and puzzlement furrows her forehead. ‘You look good. You’ve sorted yourself out. I have to admit, I never thought you would. What did it?’
‘I hit rock bottom. There was only one way to go and that was up. The other way was not an option.’
She frowns. ‘But who helped you?’
‘Colm and Margot.’
She stiffens. ‘I thought so.’ She laughs bitterly. ‘There had to be a woman behind such a dramatic transformation. I want to say that she’s young enough to be your daughter, but it’s none of my business.’
‘She’s in a relationship with Colm,’ he tells her.
Now Alana feels foolish. She blinks at him in bewilderment, like a mole emerging into the light. ‘She and Colm are dating?’
‘I think it’s gone well beyond the dating stage.’
‘But I thought you—’
‘I don’t know why.’
‘Well, I assumed you couldn’t look this good without, well, without a woman inspiring you to get better.’
‘You’re not wrong. A woman did inspire me to get better, but not the one you think.’
Her disappointment is palpable. ‘Oh, so, I am right. Well, I thought as much. Good for you, JP. I’m happy for you. I am,’ she says unhappily. ‘I suppose we should both have moved on by now.’ She can barely look at him. ‘Who is she?’ she asks.
‘You,’ he replies.
Alana is confused. She does not want to believe what she is hearing. ‘Sorry? Me? I don’t understand.’
‘Of course you don’t. Can we walk? I think we’ll both find it easier to talk if we walk. And we don’t want those stones knowing our business, now, do we?’
I watch them stroll along the clifftop. The waves swell and foam below them and gulls squawk as they swoop and dive in search of prey. ‘We never really talked, you and I. We both nursed our hurts on our own islands, resenting one another. And, as we drifted further apart, the will to communicate grew weaker, until we stopped talking altogether. Margot encouraged me to talk about my feelings. To go back into that dark place and let the light in, was what she said. Once the light was in, I realized the terrible mistakes I’d made and I owned up to them. I shouldn’t have sought comfort in Rosie. I shouldn’t have resented you for wanting another child. I should have been more supportive when you lost the baby. Alana, there are lots of things I shouldn’t have done. But most of all, I shouldn’t have let you go. We should have found a way to communicate.’
Alana’s eyes are welling with tears. Her chest is so tight she can hardly breathe. She puts a hand there and inhales with difficulty. ‘I’m sorry I drove you into Rosie’s arms, JP. I have things I need to take responsibility for as well. It’s not easy, is it, owning up to things? But Dad’s death has made me think and I don’t want to leave for America without talking to you frankly. It wasn’t all your fault. It was mine too. I pushed you away after losing the baby. I was so furious with you for not wanting another child that when I lost it I blamed you for somehow jinxing it – and for getting what you wanted. I should never have tricked you. We already had three children. I should have been grateful for what I had and not craved for more.’
‘We were happy before we moved into the castle, weren’t we?’ he says wistfully.
‘I never realized what a burden that inheritance was for you. What a burden the castle became. You should have told me. I could have supported you.’
He frowns at her. ‘Have you been talking to Colm?’ he asks.
‘No,’ she replies quickly, but she looks shifty. ‘I’ve just spent this week thinking.’
‘I don’t want the castle back,’ he says. ‘Kitty will curse me for saying it, no doubt, but I’m glad that it’s a hotel. I like living in the Hunting Lodge. I’m happy there. I’m free of the burden of having to run the castle, having to pay for it. The good old days of the ascendancy are long gone. No one lives like that nowadays. It was fine for my grandparents, but Margot has a theory—’
‘That the castle has only ever brought its inhabitants sorrow and tragedy.’
‘You have been talking to Colm!’ he exclaims.
‘There might be some truth in that,’ she continues without answering his question. ‘Maybe it was cursed. After all, Barton Deverill built it on land stolen from someone else. That’s bad energy, isn’t it? What goes around, comes around. I’m glad you lost it. I only wish it hadn’t hurt you so much.’
‘I’m over it now.’
‘Good.’
‘But there’s something missing. You’re missing.’ JP stops walking and looks down at her, his face full of affection. ‘I still love you, Alana. I don’t think I ever stopped. I’m not asking you to love me back, only that we’re friends. It would be a wonderful thing, for all the family, if we could be friends.’
She takes his hand. ‘I think we could become more than friends,’ she says, a tentative smile on her lips. ‘But we need to take it slowly.’
‘Of course.’
She does not let go of his hand. They walk on. The atmosphere is lighter, clearer. The sun is bouncing off the water in spangles of light.
‘When are you returning to America?’ he asks.
‘I’m not.’
‘Oh? I thought—’
‘I was, but now I’m not.’
‘Good.’
She smiles at him. She hasn’t smiled like this in a long time. ‘This is home, after all, isn’t it.’
And I feel a sorrow in my soul for this land was once my home too, but now it is not. I know where my true home is and yet I have no way of reaching it. For how long will I remain cut off from the light?