A few days later, two documents were drawn up in the village of Equinox, and delivered to two different audiences, each to a different purpose.
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My Dear Equinoxians:
Let me first extend to you my apologies for the lateness of this month’s newsletter. Though I daren’t presume that I’ve significantly disrupted your lives, I like to think that this publication helps, in its modest way, to prepare Equinoxians for the month ahead. If I am right, then I have forced you to endure the first two weeks of November without the benefit of its guidance. For this I am sorry.
That said, it’s a good thing that I’m late, for there have been several unexpected changes to the layout of the advertising section of the newsletter. For one thing, the Equinox Inn’s Thursday evening drink special, which had been going to consist of a free glass of house wine, red or white, with any entrée over $10, is now defunct, owing to the nonexistence of the historically significant, 1831 building that housed it. Sorry about that. Second, Tuesday is no longer going to be two-for-one night at the Goodbye Goose, because, alas, the Goodbye Goose has closed as well. We have not been given any direct information about the closing, but it seems safe to assume that the Happyland Bistro, Happy Masters’s new restaurant and bar across the street, which has been operating at an apparently intentional loss for several weeks, is to blame. And finally, I had been expecting to run an ad for the new Happy Girls Outlet Store (though, oddly, I’d received no ad copy as of the initial editorial deadline for this newsletter), but it appears to have burned down before it had a chance to open.
Does it seem to you, Equinoxians, that life in our fair town is getting a bit…peculiar? Has there been a little bit too much “change” for your taste, in the past month? Don’t you sometimes wish that the controversy, the construction, the destruction, could all just go away? Last night I attended a strange presentation in E.C.’s Furman Hall (built, if I am not mistaken, in the same year as our former Inn). This newsletter’s style and content guide prevents me from revealing here all the details of this amazing theatrical performance, but allow me to offer you the phrase “live participatory lesbian anal penetration” as a subtle hint as to what went on.
These days, Equinoxians, everything seems to remind me of German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860). “In the sphere of thought,” he once wrote, “absurdity and perversity remain the masters of the world, and their dominion is superseded only for brief periods.” Could it be, my friends, that such a brief period has just ended here in our village? Could it be that deception, destruction, and perversion have overwhelmed us? Or can we return to the way things were? Our Inn is gone, our bar is gone, our innocence is gone—but now we know what it is we have lost, citizens, and can try to get it back. Help me try, Equinoxians, or I shall grow inconsolably sad.
Your faithful servant,
Ruth.
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The other document, printed on heavy, cream-colored ragstock, was sent (from a post office in Syracuse, New York) to four hundred addresses throughout America and the world, and was accompanied, in a flat rectangular cardboard box, by an unmarked DVD in a plastic case. The text read:
DEAR EQUINOX COLLEGE PARENTS:
ARE YOU AWARE THAT YOUR DAUGHTERS ARE ATTENDING A PERVERTED, DEVIANT, AND DEGENERATE INSTITUTION?
DO YOU KNOW THAT MORE THAN 85 PERCENT OF EQUINOX COLLEGE STUDENTS, IN A RECENT POLL, CONFESSED TO “AT LEAST SOME” LESBIAN EXPERIMENTATION?
HAS YOUR DAUGHTER TOLD YOU THAT LIFE IN EQUINOX IS CHARACTERIZED BY UNDERAGE DRINKING, SEXUAL PERMISSIVENESS, AND ACADEMIC LAXITY?
THE ENCLOSED DVD WAS MADE FROM A FILM TAKEN JUST LAST WEEK AT EQUINOX COLLEGE. THE EVENTS DEPICTED UPON IT WERE PERFORMED AT THE EXPRESS REQUEST OF THE COLLEGE ADMINISTRATION, AND THE WOMAN SEEN PERFORMING THEM WAS PAID FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. IF YOU DOUBT THE VERACITY OF THIS VIDEO, LOOK CLOSELY, MANY OF YOU WILL FIND YOUR DAUGHTERS PRESENT. NINETY-NINE PERCENT OF THE STUDENT BODY IS KNOWN TO HAVE ATTENDED.
IF ACTS SUCH AS THESE ARE PERFORMED IN PUBLIC, WITH THE FULL CONSENT OF THE ADMINISTRATION, THEN IMAGINE WHAT MUST BE HAPPENING IN YOUR DAUGHTER’S BED.
EQUINOX COLLEGE IS BEING TORN APART BY RAMPANT LIBERALISM, RADICAL FEMINISM, AND INTELLECTUAL TORPOR. REMOVE YOUR DAUGHTER NOW, BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE.
—A CONCERNED CITIZEN.