Jessica stood on the porch with Dylan and watched as the power company truck continued on down the road. The bridge was open and now electricity had finally been restored to the area. A sadness settled over her, seeping into every corner of her reality. She knew their idyll had reached the end. The time had come to leave the fantasy world that had totally captivated her senses and return to the real world of responsibility and commitment.
A level of anxiety welled up inside her, nothing too uncomfortable, yet a distinct feeling all the same. The last two days of their time together had been perfect—long walks in the woods, cozy evenings in front of the fireplace and nights filled with a passion unlike any she had ever known.
As she turned to go back inside the cabin, he slipped his arm around her. A shiver of trepidation darted up her spine. She reached up and laced her fingers with his where his hand rested on her shoulder. The warmth of his touch brought a calm to her internal jitters. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She loved him and didn’t want to lose him, but her practical side said a relationship needed a commitment and two people who both wanted it to work. She had to know where he stood and what he wanted.
A heaviness pressed on her shoulders, a moment of sorrow she feared would soon be all she had left of what she hoped would be a love to last a lifetime. She tried to still the growing uneasiness that had rapidly overshadowed her joy. She also needed to pack her suitcase so she could return to Seattle and her job. She eased her hand out of his grasp. The moment she broke the physical contact with him, she felt as if she had lost a little piece of her life. It was too late to turn back. She lived in the real world, she couldn’t do any less. She headed for the stairs. “I have some things to do.”
“Anything I can help you with?”
“I won’t be long.” She paused at the bottom of the stairs. Her anxiety level shot up. She didn’t dare look at him if she wanted to maintain her determination. “When I finish I think we need to talk.”
“Uh…sure. What is it you want to talk about?”
She heard the surprise in his voice. Could he be oblivious to their need to discuss the future? Had she misjudged him that badly? No, it was just her anxieties showing. She had discovered a caring and compassionate man…someone who had been so devastated by what happened to the Clarksons that it had sent his entire life into chaos, someone who wanted to give back to the community and help others.
“I think we need to talk about the future.” She hurried upstairs before he had a chance to respond.
A little tremor of apprehension made its way through Dylan’s body as he watched her disappear up the stairs. The future…it was something that had been on his mind all morning. He didn’t want to lose her from his life. He could not take a chance on things somehow working out by themselves. He needed to tell her how he felt and what he had been thinking about ever since they got out of bed a couple of hours ago.
He glanced toward the stairs, then left the cabin and went to the garage where he had parked his car. He grabbed his cell phone and the charger. Now that power had been restored he could charge the drained battery, then he could start making reservations. The more he thought about what he wanted to do the more excited he became at the prospect.
He plugged in the phone charger in the kitchen, then went upstairs in search of Jessica. He couldn’t stop the grin that pulled at the corners of his mouth. Yes, they needed to talk about the future…a future that excited him more and more with each passing minute.
The sight stopped him at the bedroom door. “Jessica?” He crossed the room, took hold of her shoulders and turned her around to face him. An uncomfortable wariness churned inside him. He searched her face for some sort of explanation, something that would tell him everything was okay…that his sudden uneasiness was unfounded. Her face held no reassurances to ease his mind.
“You’re packing?” He couldn’t keep the anxiety out of his voice. “Are you going somewhere? I thought you wanted to talk.”
She tried to swallow her apprehension, but it stuck in her throat. She returned to her packing, placing the last item in her suitcase and closing the lid. She continued to stare at the suitcase, afraid to turn around and face him. He seemed so genuinely shocked and confused.
“Jessica…answer me…please.” A hesitation and uncertainty crept into his words. “Are you…are you going somewhere?”
She drew in a steadying breath in an attempt to still the hard tremors of distress that throbbed inside her. She loved him, but that wasn’t enough. It took two people committed to a relationship to make a success of it. She had no idea how he felt or what he wanted. And if their lapse in taking precautions the last time they made love resulted in her being pregnant…
A shiver of apprehension darted through her body followed by a hard surge of fear. Either way she needed to know where things stood between them. It couldn’t be put off until later when it would be far more awkward. She had to know now. She turned to face him.
“Uh, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to us…to the future—”
“Me, too.” He cut off her words as he pulled her into his arms. His heart pounded with the uncertainty that tried to grab hold of him. He knew he had to say what was on his mind as quickly as possible.
“The time we’ve spent together has been very important to me. I came here to try to work things out, and I’ve gotten so much more than I had anticipated. I was able to formulate a plan for my financial seminars and at the same time found someone who is very special to me—” he brushed a loving kiss against her lips as much to calm the churning inside him as to taste her sweetness “—someone I care about very much.” He had come within a breath of saying he loved her, but a sudden rush of panic prevented him from getting the exact words out of his mouth.
“I came here confused and guilt ridden and not able to figure out how to deal with it, but now I feel regenerated, and it’s all because of you. I’m ready to set out and face the world again. I know what I want out of life—” he swallowed down the lump in his throat “—and you’re definitely part of it.”
He’d said it. He hadn’t used the word love, but just being able to say how much he cared for her created an excitement in him that quickly escalated toward euphoria. He hugged her tightly against his body. The future was theirs. Everything was perfect. He wanted to do something very special for her, something to show her just how deep his feelings were and how much he cared. Even if he hadn’t been able to get the proper words together, what better way to show her that he loved her than to give her the world.
“Come away with me, Jessica. I want to show you all the places you’ve never been.”
Her words were hesitant. “I don’t understand. You’re saying we should take a vacation?”
He saw the confusion cloud her features, but he refused to allow his enthusiasm to be dampened by the caution that tried to grab hold of his reality. “No, not a vacation…a whirlwind adventure from one romantic city to another. We’ll travel Europe together. I want to give you palaces by day and the moon and stars by night. We’ll spend long lazy hours in each other’s arms and make love until dawn.”
She furrowed her brow as her confusion deepened. “You mean just get on an airplane and go?”
“Yes. We could leave as soon as you’re ready.” He looked at her expectantly. “What do you say?”
He touched his fingertips to the frown that spread across her forehead. A rising feeling of trepidation finally broke through his euphoria, telling him something was wrong. “What’s the matter? You seem worried about something.”
“I have a job to tend to, bills to pay. I can’t possibly take off on a whirlwind vacation on the spur of the moment just because it would be fun. My life isn’t structured that way.”
A wave of relief swept through him accompanied by a soft chuckle. “Is that all.” His sudden attack of anxiety had been groundless. Her concern was money. Money certainly wasn’t a problem for him. All he needed to do was make sure she understood that it didn’t stand in their way, then she’d see it wasn’t a problem for her, either. A soft warmth settled inside him. Everything he wanted was right here. The future would be everything he had envisioned.
“Is that all?” A hard lump formed in her throat, and a sudden jolt of fear churned in her stomach. Had she heard him correctly? Was he saying that her commitment to her job wasn’t important? How could he possibly assume she would be willing to just fly away with him as if she had no responsibilities? Had she been wrong in believing he had changed? Was he still the globe-trotting playboy who lived in a whirlwind world of excitement but knew nothing about commitment and responsibility? Her throat tightened so much that she couldn’t even swallow. Surely there must be a mistake. He couldn’t have meant that the way it sounded.
“You don’t need to worry about the money. I have more than enough for us. We could live comfortably for the rest of our lives without having any money worries. You can take a sabbatical from work without having any concerns about your bills.”
Jessica recoiled in shock, wrenching loose from his embrace. She felt the sting just as if he had literally slapped her across the face. Her disappointment quickly turned to hurt and anger. Years of pent-up resentment over the unresolved issues of her life suddenly leaped in front of her, born anew. A sick churning grabbed hold of her.
It was her ex-husband all over again. How could she have been so foolish as to allow herself to be taken in a second time by the same type of handsome features and the same charming manner? It was his money, so her desire for a career didn’t matter. Well, not again. Not this time.
“That was the same thing my ex-husband thought. He had the money, he paid the bills, so he called the shots, and my life and needs didn’t matter.” There was a bitterness in her voice, yet a hint of pain just beneath the surface. “Well, this isn’t about money. It’s about responsibility and commitment, two words that apparently aren’t in your vocabulary. My ex didn’t see it that way, and obviously neither do you. I’ve worked very hard to make a career for myself, one I’m very proud of, and I have a responsibility to my clients and have a commitment to them which I intend to honor.” Her voice cracked as hurt regained the upper hand over her anger. “I’m sorry you consider that inconsequential.”
A combination of confusion and anger came out in his words. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about responsibility for your choices and making a commitment to something—” she swallowed back a sob in a frantic attempt to maintain her composure “—making a commitment to a relationship. It’s something my ex couldn’t do, and I’m not going to allow myself to be caught in that trap again.”
He spit out the angry words. “I’m not your ex-husband any more than you’re my ex-fiancée. Stop trying to put me into that mold.”
She blinked back the threat of tears as she turned away from him. A horrible sense of loss invaded her consciousness. She had done the one thing she didn’t want to do. She had lost her heart to another charming scoundrel, and now she was paying the price. She would never give Dylan the satisfaction of seeing her cry, of knowing how much he had hurt her.
She picked up her suitcase. “I fell totally and completely under your spell and thought we had something special. But what you’ve offered me is a proposition, not a commitment.”
She held her breath, hoping against hope he would tell her he loved her and offer the commitment she craved. She stood motionless for what seemed like an eternity. His silence spoke louder than any words. There wasn’t much left to say. With a heavy heart she started toward the bedroom door.
“Justin offered you the use of the cabin, so you’re welcome to stay on if you want. The time of a carefree getaway is over for me. I need to return to the real world, to accept my responsibilities and honor my commitments…something I take very seriously.”
Dylan watched in stunned disbelief as she walked out of the bedroom and started down the stairs. He remained riveted to the spot, unable to make his legs move. He felt as if a hot knife had been twisted in his gut. His mind drifted in and out of reality as he tried to comprehend what had happened between the moment of euphoria when he told her he cared for her very much and a few minutes later when she told him he didn’t know anything about responsibility and commitment and went on to compare him to her ex-husband. Had he blacked out and somehow missed something that connected the two extremes? He searched his memory, desperate for a clue…anything that would make some sense of what happened.
He heard the front door close. Total and complete panic grabbed him. He raced downstairs and out of the cabin just as she closed her car trunk. He hurried across the porch and took hold of her arm before she could slide in behind the steering wheel.
“Don’t leave. Stay with me…please.”
She stared at the ground, refusing to make eye contact with him. “I can’t…I have to go home…to get back to work.”
“What’s going on here, Jessica?” He took a calming breath, but it didn’t help. “Talk to me.” He certainly wasn’t a stranger to life in the fast lane, but this was way too fast even for him. One minute they were arguing over some silly little thing, and a couple of days later she was the single most important person in his life. Everything seemed to be spinning out of control and it scared him. So many things he wanted to say to her, chief among them being how much he loved her, but the words refused to materialize.
Her voice was soft, barely above a whisper. “I don’t know what else there is that I can say.”
They stood in silence for several seconds while Jessica waited for him to reply. She desperately wanted him to say something, but again there was only silence. She swallowed several times, trying to force the sick churning back down her throat. She got in her car. A single tear slid down her cheek, followed by another and then another until they had turned into a steady flow.
She tried to convince herself that it was just one of those things, a few exciting days tucked away in a mountain cabin with an exciting and sexy man. She knew she would never get over him. There would always be an empty place in her heart where Dylan Russell had lived for those enchanted days and passionate nights. She glanced in the rearview mirror and caught one last glimpse of him before her car rounded the curve. The sight tore at what little composure she still possessed. He looked as devastated as she felt.
Dylan continued to stare down the road at the spot where her car had disappeared around the bend. He felt numb inside except for a hollow ache. His heart had gone with her, leaving a gaping hole in his life. And he didn’t know how it happened or what to do about it. For years he had been running from the turmoil of an emotional commitment. Even the thought of becoming involved in a true relationship frightened him. But now he had found something that frightened him even more—the thought that he might have blown any chance of having Jessica as part of his life. And if he didn’t do something quickly it would probably end up costing him Justin’s friendship as well.
He hunched his shoulders against the cold shiver that swept through his body. He suddenly felt more alone than he ever had in his entire life. He returned to the cabin and plopped on the couch, too distraught to move or even think except for the one thought that penetrated the fog of his mind. He had to win Jessica back.
It seemed like hours before he was able to focus his thoughts and force himself to move. He went to his cell phone, checking the battery to make sure it had charged up enough to use.
Jessica hugged the stuffed bear to her body. It had been a gift from Dylan when she was sixteen years old and was the only one of her stuffed animal collection that she still owned. Even though it had a torn ear and a missing eye, she cherished it dearly. She propped the bear up on her fireplace mantel and stared at it.
“Well, Mr. Buttons, surely you must have an opinion about all of this.” A sigh of despair escaped her throat as the emotion once again overwhelmed her. “I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love him, but I can’t enter into a relationship without having a commitment equal to the one I’m willing to give. He wanted me to run away with him, but that’s just what it would be—running away. It would have been a wonderful escape, but eventually I’d need to climb down off cloud nine and come back to earth. I can’t ignore my responsibilities. That’s just the way I am.”
She ran her fingertips across the bear’s face and straightened his vest. “Was I wrong? Did I push him too much? Should I just have accepted whatever he was willing to give and hope that maybe…someday…”
A sob caught in her throat, and tears welled up in her eyes again. She had cried all the way back to Seattle, so how could she possibly have any tears left? For someone who was normally so self-assured and decisive she had certainly made a muddled mess of everything.
An insistent pounding at her door jerked her back to reality. She quickly wiped the tears away with her hand, ran her fingers through her hair to fluff it up, then opened the door.
“Justin…this is a surprise.” Something about his expression pushed at her anxiety level. She stepped aside so he could come in. “I’ve only been home for about three hours…just long enough to unpack and run a load of clothes through the washer and dryer.”
He nervously shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “Are you alone?” His gaze darted around the room as if he was searching for something. “I’m not interrupting anything, am I?”
“No…of course not. When did you get back from your flight?”
Justin called over his shoulder as he headed for the kitchen. “I got home yesterday morning.” He opened the refrigerator and grabbed a bottle of beer. “Can I get you anything while I’m here?”
“No, nothing for me.” She joined her brother in the kitchen, watching him closely as he twisted the cap off the bottle. She knew him well enough to know there was something specific on his mind even though he hadn’t said so.
“Uh, you’ll never guess who I heard from a couple of weeks ago. You remember Dylan Russell, don’t you?” He leaned casually against the doorjamb as if the question had no more significance than inquiring about the weather, but she could see the nervousness working through him.
She forced a laugh. “Of course I remember him. How could I forget when you talk about him all the time?” A quick flash of melancholy hit her. There was no way she would ever be able to forget Dylan. His reality was permanently imprinted on her life.
“Well, I got an e-mail from him a couple of weeks ago asking me if he could use our cabin for a week or so. It coincided with the time you said you were going to be in New York, so I sent him the key. Fortunately he must have changed his mind about using it.” Justin laughed nervously. “It’s a good thing because it probably wouldn’t have been wise to have you and Dylan staying there at the same time.”
“Well…that’s not quite accurate.” Now his sudden appearance at her door and his obvious nervousness made sense. He wanted to know if anything had happened between Dylan and her.
Justin looked questioningly at his sister. “Oh?”
“I was surprised to find someone there when I arrived and even more surprised when that someone turned out to be Dylan. He said you had given him the use of the cabin.” She could tell from the expression on Justin’s face that he expected her to say more. They normally confided in each other, but this was different. This was much too painful for her. She wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. Maybe if she quickly shifted the conversation in another direction he would take the hint and let the subject drop.
“Are you home for a while now or are you scheduled out on another flight right away?” Jessica asked.
“Nothing for a week. I’ll be around the office quite a bit, especially with the partnership in the works.” He wandered into the living room and made himself comfortable.
She followed him, curling into the corner of the couch in a manner she hoped would appear casual in spite of the tension pulsing through her body. She looked up to find Justin staring at her. Her tension increased, accompanied by the unnerving way his gaze seemed to be saying he was concerned about her. She self-consciously ran her fingers through her hair.
She tried to make light of what had become a very serious moment. “What’s the matter…do I have dirt on my face?”
“No, but your eyes are red as if you’ve been crying. Are you all right? You look like hell.”
She forced a nervous laugh. “Thank you. That’s just the kind of thing a girl wants to hear.” She knew she had to tell him something to satisfy his obvious curiosity. “I’m tired, that’s all. There was quite a storm on the Peninsula. The power was out when I arrived and was only restored this morning. The high water and debris washing downstream had the bridge closed for a couple of days, too. So…I really didn’t get too much sleep. And I think I’m coming down with a cold. My eyes have been watering and itching.”
“Oh, I see.” He took a swallow from his bottle of beer. “I thought maybe Dylan’s being there had caused you a problem. He’s a lot of fun, and we’ve been good friends since our freshman year of college, but it wouldn’t be advisable to take him too seriously. He goes through women like some people go through Kleenex. I know for a fact that he has no interest in settling down and staying in one place. Any woman who became involved with him would end up with a broken heart.”
A spark of irritation exploded inside her. She tried to shove it down, to appear unconcerned. “You’re the last person who should be handing out advice about dating and relationships. You and I both have one bad marriage strike against us. And your track record with women since your divorce certainly isn’t anything to brag about.”
Justin sat up straight, his gaze shifting nervously around the room. “We’re not talking about my track record, we’re talking about Dylan’s. He’s one of my best friends, and I probably know him better than anyone, but…”
Except me. Justin’s words faded off into the background as her thoughts drifted to her conversations with Dylan where he shared his secrets with her. She knew about his being shafted by his fiancée on their wedding day and about what had happened to Rose and Stanley Clarkson…things Justin didn’t know.
A new level of confusion pushed at her. Dylan had shared deeply personal things with her. He had trusted her with his pain and vulnerability. Didn’t that say something? Didn’t that show how much he cared about her? Her eyes misted over as another wave of despair washed through her. If he could do that, then why couldn’t he tell her he loved her?
Her attention was drawn back to what Justin was saying.
“…am only telling you this for your own good.”
She made no attempt to withhold her irritation. “I don’t need you to run my life for me. I’m capable of making my own decisions.”
“I didn’t say you weren’t.” Justin carried his empty beer bottle into the kitchen, followed closely by Jessica. “It’s just that you’ve never come up against anyone like Dylan before. He plays in the big leagues and lives in the fast lane. He’s left a trail of broken hearts all over the world. I don’t want you to end up as another one.”
“Apparently I need to remind you…again…that you’re my brother, not my father. I’m thirty-one years old and have been married and divorced. I’m self-supporting and travel all over the country as part of my career. I’m not exactly some naive little teenager. I’ve been around. I don’t need you selecting my friends for me…or my dates. I can make those decisions myself without any help from you.”
Justin whirled around and stared at her, his jaw set in a hard line. “You may be thirty-one years old but…” He fought the grin that tugged at the corners of his mouth.
She gave him a loving, sisterly punch in the shoulder. “You’d better get out of my face or I’ll call Aunt Phoebe and invite her to be your houseguest for a monthlong visit, and I’ll tell her you insist that she bring cousin Lily with her.”
Justin took two quick steps back as he raised his hands in a gesture of surrender. “Mea culpa…I give up!” A soft chuckle escaped his throat. “You’re just ornery enough to do it, too.”
He put his arm around her shoulder and walked back into the living room with her. “You’re still my baby sister, Jess, and I reserve the right to worry about you.”
She gave him a loving hug. “I know, and thank you for caring.”
“So, this puts us back to where we started. Are you okay?”
“I will be.” A sigh turned into a sob as she drew in a steadying breath, then expelled it. “But I’m afraid your advice is a little late. I haven’t felt this way about any man since my divorce.”
Justin awkwardly shifted his weight from one foot to the other, his body language confirming his discomfort at the unexpected turn in the conversation. “Uh, I’m not sure exactly what you mean.”
“I mean I’m very attracted to him. In fact—” her voice dropped to a whisper as she stared at the floor “—I think I just might be falling in love with him.” It was the biggest understatement of all time.
“I hope you know what you’re doing, Jess.”
She gave a halfhearted laugh, as much bittersweet as anything else. “I can’t imagine what I said that gave you that impression.”
He smiled encouragingly. “Well, if things turn out badly for you I promise not to say ‘I told you so.”’
“I don’t think there’s anything to worry about. I doubt I’ll be seeing Dylan again.” A sob caught in her throat, accompanied by the now-familiar sick churning in her stomach. “Everything ended at the cabin.”
“I’m sorry, Jess. I wish there was something more appropriate I could say to make you feel better.” He glanced toward the kitchen. “Have you had any dinner?”
“I’m not very hungry.”
“Let’s go out and get something to eat—my treat.”
The melancholy settled over her, making her realize how empty she felt inside—empty and numb. “I don’t think so, not tonight.” She looked up at her brother, mustering as much of a smile as she could manage. “Maybe some other time.”
“Do, uh, do you want to talk about it? I don’t have any plans. I could stay with you tonight if you’d like.”
“Thanks, Justin, but it’s not necessary. I’ll be fine. I just need to sort out a few things in my mind.”
A worried expression crossed his face. “Are you sure? I don’t mind staying.”
She forced an upbeat manner that she really didn’t feel. “I’m sure…now go on.”
“I’ll call you in the morning. If you need anything, I’ll be home.”
She escorted her brother out the front door, then watched as he drove away. Once again she was alone with the emotional turmoil that churned inside her. Telling her brother that she might be falling in love with Dylan had been an out-and-out lie. She could tell from Justin’s expression that he didn’t really believe what she had told him but had the good sense not to say so. She had already fallen deeply in love with the charmer in spite of every reason she had given herself for not allowing it to happen.
And never very far from the forefront of her thoughts was the possibility that she could be pregnant. Maybe things would look better in the morning after a good night’s sleep. A single tear rolled down her cheek. How was it possible for love to hurt so much?
The ringing phone broke the silence of the room. A surge of excitement raced through her body. Did she dare to hope that it would be Dylan? She took a deep breath to calm her nerves, then lifted the receiver.
“Hello.” She waited a second, but no one replied. Then the line went dead. Her spirits sank to the depth of her consciousness. It was obviously a wrong number. She turned and went to the bedroom, her heart heavy with her despair.
Dylan replaced his cell phone in the charger cradle. The second he heard Jessica’s voice the words froze in his throat and wouldn’t come out. The hard knot in the pit of his stomach and his high level of anxiety told him how deeply he had become involved with her, how much he already missed her…and how much he loved her.
He had not been able to say those words, or any other words for that matter, to keep her from leaving. All he had been able to do was stand like a statue and watch her drive away. And just now, after spending several miserable hours alone in the cabin, he had phoned her with the same paralyzing results.
Had he totally driven her away with his inability to give her what she so obviously wanted and deserved? To make a commitment to her and to their relationship? Had she gone from his life for good? A sinking despair finally overcame him. He collapsed on the couch, leaned back and closed his eyes. Images of her face danced across the screen of his mind—her smile, the sparkle in her eyes, her delicious mouth.
The loss of either the woman he loved or his best friend was unacceptable, but the loss of both was unthinkable. Exposing all his fears and laying open his total vulnerability could not be any more painful than what he was going through right now, and certainly not as horrendous as a future that did not include Jessica. He drew in a deep breath and held it for several seconds before expelling it.
He had to do whatever it took to win her back and hopefully capture her love. But where to begin? He sat upright. He knew the answer to that…it had been with him all along, his very purpose in being at the cabin to begin with. In order to win her back he had to prove himself worthy of her trust. He needed to take the plan he had formulated for his financial seminars and put it into effect.
Dylan raced for the bedroom, taking the stairs two at a time. He grabbed a notebook and began making a To Do list. He would show Jessica he could offer her what she wanted.
Then he would ask her to share his life.