Things You Would Never Know without the Movies

I have received the following list from at least a dozen people over the past couple of years. It never comes with an author’s name attached. A Web search reveals that it has been reprinted on at least 193 different Web pages, in addition to being forwarded in countless e-mails. It is very funny. Who wrote it? If you did, here’s your chance to receive credit for your work. Send me proof of original publication, and I’ll add your byline, and send you the special collector’s edition of the director’s cut of The Godfather.

• A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

• A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

• A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

• A single match will be sufficient to light up a room of any size.

• Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities waste by their actions.

• All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

• All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.

• All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of french bread.

• All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

• Although in the twentieth century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the twenty-third century will have lost this technology.

• An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur, will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

• Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds—unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

• Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

• Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

• Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.

• During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

• Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

• Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations, even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.

• Having a job of any kind will make fathers forget their son’s eighth birthday.

• Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

• If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

• If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade—at any time of the year.

• If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river—or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.

• If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

• If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in nuclear fission at age twenty-two.

• If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

• If you find yourself caught up in a situation that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sakes keep your mouth shut.

• If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition—even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.

• If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

• Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts—your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

• It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

• It is not necessary to say hello or good-bye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

• It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

• Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

• Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

• Most dogs are immortal.

• Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

• Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings, especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.

• Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon, and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

• No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption, or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

• Once applied, lipstick will never rub off—even while scuba diving.

• One man shooting at twenty men has a better chance of killing them than twenty men firing at one man.

• Police departments give th eir officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

• Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German of ficer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

• Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

• The chief of police is always black.

• The chief of police will always suspend his star detective—
or give him forty-eight hours to finish the job.

• The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

• The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.

• The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

• Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

• When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, he or she will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

• When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

• When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the backseat for the entire journey.

• When in love, it is customary to burst into song.

• When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill—just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

• When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

• Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

• You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

• You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie.

• You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.