My day was pretty much like normal. I was in the judge’s chambers. “Judge, can I get a continuance for one month? We keep coming back and my esteemed colleague here is not prepared, as usual.”
The judge pondered over this a moment then looked at the other lawyer. “Young man, because I respect your opponent Jose so much, I will grant him a one-month continuance. But the next time we meet, you better be prepared or you’ll be sitting with your client overnight.”
“Yes, sir.”
Both lawyers got their briefcases and prepared to leave. As the other lawyer left the room the judge said, “Jose, before you leave, I would like to speak to you a few moments. Why didn’t you just tear him up? Now, I’m going to have to see this ill-prepared rookie again.”
“Because I know how much you love to goad the newbies.”
“Yes, that is true.” The judge started laughing. “By the way, how is Luisa and the rest of the family?”
“We’re good, Tio (Uncle).”
“Don’t forget that I want you and Luisa to come to Shabbat some time, and please invite her friend Bernice.”
I was puzzled at the last piece of information. “Now, how do know about Bernice?”
“Well, I am a judge, and she is a social worker.”
“Tio… hmmm, well, that’s all I have to say about that. I will check with Luisa.”
“That’s all I ask.”
“Please send my regards to Tia.” I was emotionally spent from the morning. “All that motion after motion in the courtroom and nothing accomplished…” I sigh heavily.
“Should I call Luisa for you?”
“No, Tio, I don’t want to bother her. She is in a meeting. I’ll go grab some lunch and text her when I get back to the office.”
I left my uncle and got some lunch. After I got back to the office, I picked up my phone and sent Luisa a message. “Mi Amor, you don’t have to answer this, but I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you and I miss hearing your voice. See you at home.”
As I continued through my day, I had an uneasiness settling inside of me; I could tell that something wasn’t right. Luisa and I, we just knew each other so well that we could sense when our spirits were not at ease. We gave each other space so much that we just bloomed when we were together or apart. But I just knew something was wrong today. I could sense it. I couldn’t decide if I should call Iglesias to talk to and have an ear, or if I should go to God in prayer. I finally decided to go to God. I got on my knees in my office and began to pray. “I have never felt this wishy-washy before. I feel like a crazy squirrel not knowing what direction to take, God. God, something is just not right with Luisa. I need your grace and comfort—”
At that point in my prayer, my phone rang. It’s Luisa. “Hola, Mi Amor,” she said as soon as I answered.
“Luisa! Hello, my love.”
“I got your message. The crazy end-of-the-year meeting went long. Teachers, vice principal, other staff were all there. We were closing out the school year, you know.” She tried to explain in a soft, soothing voice. “I will be home around five. Are you going to be late tonight?”
“No, I will get dinner ready for us, if you would like.”
“Sure, that sounds good. After the day I’ve had, I’m pretty tired.”
“Luisa, please tell me what is wrong.” I was close to begging her at this point. I still felt the uneasiness in my soul. “You know you can’t hide anything from me.”
I heard her catch her breath and her voice almost started to crack. “I’m not hiding; we will talk when we get home.”
“Mrs. Luisa, are you ready?” I hear a strange but familiar female voice ask her.
“Oh, yes. Let me finish this call.”
I could hear noise in the background. The sounds of overhead paging, people walking by talking in medical terms. I realized that she was in a hospital. “Luisa, I know. As much as you try to keep it from me, I know. My love, what you feel, I feel. God put us together that way.”
I could almost hear the tears now. “Did Iglesias call you?”
“No. He couldn’t, nor would he break your trust. Remember, he respects you too much and he was the one that had a crush on you before he realized that’s all it was—a crush. Then he introduced us.” He was the perfect Ladino gentleman. If she wasn’t interested in him, maybe she would be interested in my brother. That was how Iglesias was. “Luisa, I am here. I am not going anywhere. You will never be alone!”
I heard her sniffle lightly. “You’re making me cry.” She took a few deep breaths, then she said, “I’m okay now. I will see you at home.”
We ended the conversation with “I love you.” Then I got back to my prayer. “Father God, I have forced many things in this life with you and with love, but this is too much. I can’t ask how or why us. Yes, Lord, US! This is beyond me. I’m not one for suppositions or guessing, for that would be against you. But I know something is wrong with Luisa. My soul is restless and I can’t go on beyond the recesses of my soul or I will enter the insane territory. You alone are God! My soul yearns for you, God. Please give me what I need when I see Luisa.”
Luisa wiped the tears from her face. JoAnn noticed the change in her demeanor. “Mrs. Luisa, go home. It’s been a long day. I will call you when we get the results and you need to see Dr. I, okay?”
“Yes, I am okay now. Thank you so much, JoAnn.”
“I am praying for you,” JoAnn said as she hugged her good-bye.
“Thank you!”
Luisa left the hospital and headed home, unsure of what would happen next. She knew something was wrong. Iglesias used a lot of medical terminologies when he examined her, but she knew. The only thing she had left in this world was God, her husband, and her future child. Knowing this was one thing, but living in this moment alone on the drive home was too much. She began to cry and cry hard, from the depths of her soul. She didn’t tell me where she was going for she knew that it would upset me, upset me to the point of pain. Her pain was already my pain; she knew I felt her whether she was next to me or away from her. I felt her!
She stopped at the next light, sobbing. A car passed by and noticed her, but Luisa didn’t care. All she wanted was to go home and be with me. The rest of the drive home seemed so long, although it was only three more blocks from the MUSC clinic. It seemed like an eternity from there to home.
As she got home, she saw that I was already there. We met and hugged for a few minutes. As we pulled away, I asked her, “Mi Amor, how did your meeting with Iglesias go?”
Luisa didn’t bother to ask me how I knew she met with my brother. She knew that neither Iglesias nor JoAnn would tell. She knew it was written on her face. I just knew! We were so close that our souls knew so much of each other. And God, yes, God, had a way of letting us know things about each other when we least expected it.
I placed my hands gently on her shoulders, looking her in the eyes. “Luisa, when you pull away from me, I know! This morning, I knew you were going to see my brother. The headaches, the tiredness, I knew something was wrong, but I let you have your space. I love you so much that my heart aches when you pull away. Please, we have to face this together; my soul can’t take being away from yours.”
She started gently crying. “Mi Cariño (My love), I just…”
I interrupted her placing my finger on her lips. “Shhhh. No explanation needed.”
“You know me too well.”
“As you know me.” I pulled her into my arms as I told her this. I just held her in my embrace and didn’t let go for a long time. Our souls had reunited again with each other and God. Things were fine for the moment. “Luisa, don’t leave my soul alone with your pain. I’m here, and always will be!” I knew that whatever news was coming was bad; even though I wasn’t a doctor, I knew. “Cariño, go rest. I will get supper ready. Something light tonight, is that okay?”
“Yes,” she said as she dried her tears.
Luisa went into the bedroom to lie down and rest. I picked up the phone to call Iglesias. He picked up on the second ring. “Oye, Hermano (Hey, brother). I know—”
He cut me off midsentence. “You know that I can’t tell you anything.”
“Yes, I know. I just wanted to let you know that the Almighty has already filled me in. I know. Luisa didn’t say a word. I saw it in her eyes. She had been crying.”
After a long pause, Iglesias said, “You need to come with her in a week when I review the results with her.”
“Seguro (Sure). I will be there!”
“Brother, God has this.”
I took in a deep ragged breath. “I know, but it still hurts.”
“Yes, it hurts me, too. I am very fond of your wife and my love for you, brother, never ceases. I’ll keep praying. You two have a long road ahead.”
“I know. Gracias, Hermano.”
We ended the phone call and I walked into the kitchen. It was my space, where I could relax and unwind. I cooked some tortellini with olive oil and a light salad; it was Luisa’s favorite meal. I also made a fresh pomegranate juice for her. The smell of the food awoke her.
She walked into the kitchen. “That smells so good.”
I couldn’t contain myself anymore. I fell to the ground on my knees and began to weep uncontrollably. Luisa knelt down beside me and wrapped her arms around me. No words were needed. We felt each other’s pain; we were both suffering. We stayed there for a while before we realized that dinner was getting cold.
It was a quiet but intimate meal. Luisa broke the silence first. “Mi Amor…”
I looked up from my dinner plate and smiled at her. I gazed into her eyes, they always got to me. Once I looked into them, I was so vulnerable, transparent even. But nevertheless, Luisa never took advantage of it. She knew how to ease my mind.
“Cariño, can we take a walk after we finish eating? I want to talk to you.” Her voice was soft, quiet.
“Sure, I would like that very much.”
We finished dinner and made our way to the door. I stopped and turned to my wife. “Luisa, are you okay to walk?”
“Yes, I can still outrun your behind!” She started with a smirk on her face and hands on her hips as if in a challenge, but then she burst into laughter.
“Yes, I know, miss ex-track star!” I joined in with her laughter. The sound resonated through the house, cutting into the seriousness of the day. It was a much-needed release for both of us.
We walked outside and noted a light afternoon Charleston breeze. The temperature was a balmy eighty-five degrees. We started off down the road. We both loved to walk; it brought an intimacy that we experienced only with God. I grabbed her hand. We just slowly walked, no words exchanged, just walked.
Again, Luisa was the first to break the silence. “Whatever it is, we will face it with God and each other. I have too much to live for. Too much!”
“Yes, we will and you do!” I agreed emphatically with her. “Are you getting personal, Luisa?”
“Huh?” She looked over to me and we both started laughing again.
Walking together made us vulnerable to each other. We both felt God’s presence. Only God!
We didn’t walk for very long. As we started walking back home, we knew that we would have to deal with the silence of our souls. There was too much to say, but so much pain to face right now. We both felt deep in our souls that it was bad. How long we had with each other was of no concern at that moment. All we cared about was enjoying what we had right now. Forget about the future what-ifs. Just live in the moment. We arrived home as the sun finished saying good night. You could see the bay at a distance, but that didn’t matter at this moment.
“Luisa…” I started to say, but she turned to me, put her fingers on my lips, and quieted me. She just wanted silence, to be away from the hospital, clinics, exams, tests; she simply wanted silence. Now she seemed to be the walker. I used walking to clear my mind and talk to God, and that seemed to be what she wanted on this night. But when I walked with Luisa, those were some of the most intimate moments. We would stop, converse, and then continue walking. Luisa understood me better than I understood myself sometimes, most of the time. We were just meant for each other.
We finally arrived back home. As I went to open the door, Luisa looked at me very intently. I could see my pain reflected in her face. “Amor, I am going to go freshen up and prepare for bed. I want to turn in early. Are you coming?”
“No, not just yet. I will be up soon.” Pondering was not one of my virtues. But I needed to talk to God. I just had to! I gave Luisa a kiss on the cheek and she disappeared down the hallway to get ready for bed.
I go into my study and fall to the ground on my knees, face down. I felt God’s presence. I was vulnerable, transparent, and very scared. I felt that if I could run like Elijah who outran a chariot, I would have at that moment. But instead, I ran, ran to God. I ran hard, fast, determined to meet with God. There was never a “what should I do?” but rather, a “how am I to do what you’re calling me to do?”
“My God, my soul is torn. My beloved is hurting and all I can do is touch her with You. I can’t enter into her sacred space, that is reserved only for you, God. I feel alone, so alone! God, please hear my cry!” I took a few minutes to gather myself.
I heard footsteps softly in the hallway. Luisa called out to me. “My love, are you coming to bed?”
As I looked at her I said, “Yes, in a minute.” But that minute felt like an eternity to me; it was tearing me apart. I felt like I wanted to die, but I knew Luisa needed me. I had to be her rock even more so now, near her sacred space. I got up and went over to her.
“That took a long time! You and God must have had a lot to talk about.”
“Yes, so much. Not much resolved on my part, but on God’s part, a lot!”
“I am just as scared and apprehensive as you. My mind keeps telling me things, but my heart is with God! I am reminded of a quote from Dodie Osteen. ‘You can be weak in your mind, but stronger in your heart.’”
We started walking down the hall to the bedroom. “Now I know why you like her so much. She’s a cancer survivor, came back from the dead. She has such an amazing testimony.”
I went into the bathroom to prepare for bed. As I got into the bed, I asked Luisa if I could just hold her. “Go to sleep. I will be praying over you all night.”
“Amor, you need to get some sleep,” she gently told me.
“I can’t. I just can’t. But I will be okay”
I hated the night, but I just couldn’t let her go. How much time did we have left? Only God knew the answer.