It was quite late in the afternoon by now. I set off for the campus to see my mother. I wanted to make one more attempt to get her to talk to me. I didn’t want only to hear her when she was under the influence of the booze, which made her babble on like an actor doomed to always play the same part in some crummy theater. She never drank during the day, her fear of being caught out was stronger than her addiction. But when she got back home, she got down to some serious drinking and she would continue until sleep interrupted the binge she’d planned. The pain of waking in the morning and reconnecting with reality must have been intense. I imagine there was about fifteen minutes every morning when she thought about killing herself before she made up her mind to live another day. Her job at the university and the pride she took in throwing everyone off the scent kept her on her feet for the rest of the day. But once she was alone, there was nothing to hold her back.
I waited in the parking lot for her to leave the building. A hairless deer came and grazed in front of my fender with all the native’s contempt for the immigrant. It lifted its head whenever there was a suspicious noise, but didn’t seem to believe there was any real threat. I got out of my van to stretch my legs. The office staff came out on time but my mother wasn’t among them. As I was getting ready to leave, I heard steps behind me. Sally Enfield, who had seen me from the offices, was coming toward me with her strange walk.
“Looking for your mother?”
The question wasn’t worth an answer.
“She’s in bed.”
“Since when?”
“Since a large sum of money disappeared from her bag.” She was looking at her feet. “It was money she owed. They may seize her salary. And as long as that threat is hanging over her, she doesn’t dare show her face here. You don’t have any idea who might have done this to her?”
“Whoever sells her booze,” I replied curtly. “With the amount the two of you drink, she must have run up quite a tab.”
She wasn’t the kind of person to think of a quick comeback.
“Has she reported it to the police?”
“She can’t, but she’s in big trouble. It wasn’t you, was it?”
“I’ve just joined the police, now’s not the time I’d have chosen to steal money from my mother.”
“Maybe you ought to drop by and say hello. It’d cheer her up.”
I burst out laughing. “She might use me as her doormat, but I don’t think I’d cheer her up . . . You’re her best friend, haven’t you noticed that she’s never either cheerful or depressed? Ashamed, now that’s possible, but being depressed is a concept that doesn’t suit her. I never want to go anywhere near her again.”
“Why?”
“Tell her I’ve found a new job, I’ll be staying at her house for a couple of weeks more, just long enough to get back on my feet financially, and then she’ll never hear from me again. I have a job, and I’m planning to get married. I’m going to lead a normal life. She’ll die soon, from the booze and the cigarettes. You can see that by her complexion. Next to her, a dug-up corpse would look like it’s just come from a vacation by the sea. My mother doesn’t like solitude, so she’ll take you with her. She would have preferred it to be me, but she’s out of luck, I’m stronger than she thinks.”
I got back in my Ford without another word. I’d already said enough. I was in such a state of nerves I could easily have gotten carried away. I started driving slowly. I felt something powerful rising inside me. I hadn’t reached the slope that descends toward the town when I saw a girl holding her thumb up uncertainly, ready to take it down if she had the slightest doubt. She was wearing a short skirt, though she seemed to regret it. I looked at my watch and pulled up level with her. I opened the passenger door and said, “I hope you’re not going far, I don’t have much time, I have to be at the station house in fifteen minutes.”
Mentioning the station house reassured her. She was Oriental looking and quite short—she had to make two attempts to climb in the van. Once she was seated, she gave me that antiseptic smile typical of girls from her background. I smiled in response without looking at her. I could feel myself getting back to normal. I asked her where she wanted to go, then started the conversation.
“Where are you studying?”
“The science faculty.”
“What are you planning to do?”
“Aeronautics. Actually I’ve finished my cycle here, I’m leaving for Stanford tomorrow. I’m doing a PhD.”
“You’re young to be doing a doctorate.”
“I’m not as young as all that, I’m twenty-two.”
“You really don’t look it.”
“How about you?”
“Have you heard this one? Somebody told Alfred Hitchcock that he wasn’t getting any older, and he said, ‘That’s only natural, when I was twenty I already looked as if I was eighty.’ It’s rather the same with me.”
She laughed, but then said politely, “No, you look young.”
“Are you Vietnamese?”
“Oh no, my father’s Hong Kong Chinese and my mother’s American.”
“The Chinese came here to build the Pacific railroad, didn’t they?”
“Yes, but my father came a long time after that.”
I’d suspected as much.
“Any brothers or sisters?”
“No, I’m an only child.”
“Your parents must be proud of you.”
“I don’t know, they don’t express it much.”
“Don’t they give you lots of love?”
“Kind of, yes, but they aren’t demonstrative.”
“That’s bad, we should always show our children we love them.”
“Everyone does it in his own way. Why, didn’t your parents love you?”
“My father, yes. My mother in her way. One made up for the other, so it balanced out. Do you want children?”
“Yes, but I’m in no hurry. I have to finish my studies, find a job, with Boeing in Seattle I hope, and then meet someone suitable to make them with.”
“An Oriental or a typical American?”
“I don’t have a preference. Appearance doesn’t really matter to me.”
“Do you think you could like me?”
My question made her ill at ease.
“I don’t know, we don’t know each other. I think you said you were with the police, I don’t think that’s the kind of area where I’d look for a man.”
“Why not?”
“I guess a policeman’s always busy, right?”
“That’s true. I asked you the question to make conversation, but actually I’m getting married soon, to the daughter of a cop as it happens.”
I sensed she was relieved. She looked out the window. We were almost there.