DEVIN
After seeing Mia and knowing that she’s getting the help she needs now, I can rest easy. And I pray that when she gets back, that she'll be well enough to be able to be in Logan's life and care for her like a real mother should. I don't know how long that's going to be, but however long she needs, as long as it leads to a healthier her, I'm for it.
The front door slams shut. Good. Just the woman I've been waiting on. I hurry to put on my sweats and throw on a t-shirt and head downstairs to greet Faith. She meets me, startled, at the bottom of the step. No words. Just her eyes telling me that something is wrong.
“What's the matter?”
“I'm okay,” she says and then squeezes her way past me. Where's my hug? Where is she going? She closes her room door, leaves me standing on the steps. I inch my way back upstairs and head towards her door and knock.
“What do you want?”
“What's going on with you?”
“I'm good.”
“Come on Faith. Don't do that.”
“Don't you do it to me when something is bothering you?” She says. Okay, now this is the first time she's ever been this petty to me. Any other time there's an issue, she's jumping down my throat for me to get it out but now that she's on the other end of the stick, she's shutting me out.
“Can I come in?”
She doesn't answer. I turn the knob and enter in without her ever letting me know it was okay. She's on the edge of the bed staring off into space. I take a seat beside her, bringing her unbroken hand in mine.
“What's going on with you?”
“I'm fine.”
She's just going to keep lying to me though?
“You think you're the only one that can tell when someone is lying?”
She gives me the silent treatment.
“Faith…for real. Talk to me.”
“I don't have anything to say right now. What you want me to say?” She turns to me. There's hurt in her eyes, but I don't know why. I lean back a little, never leaving my stare from hers. “And you just gonna sit there and lie to me?”
“Well, it shouldn't be new to you.”
“Whatchu talkin' bout?”
“I don't know, you tell me,” she shrugs. I see she's going to go all the way around this bush before she actually tells me what it is. So I stand up in front of her, take her by her unbroken hand to try and pull her up, but she remains, with all her might, to stay there. She ain't budging.
“Faith?”
My phone vibrates against my leg. Dammit.
“What does she want? Another hug or something?”
Whoa! My eyes leave the phone's screen and immediately fall into hers again. I scrunch my brows and twist my mouth and ask, “What are you talking about?”
“You know exactly what I'm talking about.”
Where is this hostility coming from?
“Faith, what is wrong with you? Why you coming at me like this?”
“Does she want another hug? She misses you again? What she keep calling for?”
“I don't follow.”
“Oh, you don't follow? But she sure knew how to follow you. She sure knows how to find you. What you've been giving her money? Y'all back together? I saw you with her, Devin. I saw you guys exchanging hugs and laughs and smiles. Why didn't you tell me you wanted her back? Why didn't you just say something instead of going behind my back, Devin? I could've avoided all of this. I could've just…given you a place to stay for the night until you figured out what you were going to do the next. But no, I let you in here. I-I-I did all that I could for you only to be slapped in the face,” she starts raising her voice and fighting through the ache in her tone. The tears come rolling down her face, mad and ain't no stopping them. She gets up and into my face pointing her finger all of her frustrations to me. I didn't know she felt that way. And if she did, why didn't she just say so?
“You took advantage of my love and trust for you, Devin. You told me that I had nothing to worry about. You said that to me. And with everything in me, I wanted to believe you because you've never shown me otherwise, but I guess now I'm the stupid one because you lied…right.in.my.face,” she claps out every word.
“I didn't lie to you, Faith. I didn't lie to you about anything. Where is this coming from? What…why are you—“
“You and Mia. Don't act stupid. She keeps calling you. She's taking you away from me. She's taking Logan back. Y'all were hugging and smiling and…”
Oh, my God. Okay, it all makes sense. She must've seen us today. I didn't even think twice about it.
“I-I saw it with my own two eyes so don't you stand there and lie to me about being with her.”
“Yes, I was with her but do you even know why?”
“I don't need no excuse. I saw what I saw.” She pauses, puts her hand against her forehead and says, “Dammit Devin…why?”
“Why what?”
“Why you gonna go and do this now, huh?”
“Could you calm down please?” I ask trying to bring her close into me, but she refuses my efforts and continues standing apart. Her blazing stare burn holes straight through me.
Just above a whisper, she asks, “You still love her don't you?”
Oh babe, please stop crying. Her tears kill me. They're breaking my heart, and she doesn't even realize it. I'm not trying to hurt her.
“I have love for her, yes. I told you that before.”
“That's not answering my question. Do you still love her?”
My eyes fly all around the room. I'm so confused right now, and I don't even know what to say that's not going to push her farther over the edge about this.
“No. I do not love her like you think I do. Wh…what…where is this all coming from, man? I thought you knew where we stood? I have never given you a reason to think I would betray your trust. I can admit, yeah, maybe seeing her without telling you was not such a good idea. I get that, but I swear to you…it was harmless. Every bit of it.”
“It was harmless?” She gives me more attitude.
“Yes. Harmless.”
“So how long has it been that you've been sneaking around to see her? You couldn't just tell me about it? Why were you hugging her like you didn't want to let her go?” She asks. Did it really look like that? I sure as hell didn't feel that way when I was hugging her. That exchange was more of a get well soon, and I'll see you later. Not no, ‘I don't ever want to let you go,' type shit. So I don't know what she's talking about. However, none of that really matters. But what I do know is if I tell her what is really up, she'd question everything about me. I don't even know how I should answer the questions. How do you make someone you love, see that what you were doing was harmless? She ain't going to hear what I have to say about it. I've already planted in her head that Mia was no good and she's clinging on to that.
“I wasn't hugging her like anything. I-I-I just—I needed to help her with something,” I say. That's the first thing that crosses my mind.
“You needed to help her with something? Like what?”
“Faith, you wouldn't understand if I tried to explain it to you.”
She rolls her eyes as if she's had enough.
“You know what, I'm done. I don't think there's really anything else I want to know. Just the fact you can't give me a straight up answer is what's making me question everything now.”
“Faith, I'm not lying to you, but I just…I don't want to say. You wouldn't get it especially not in the state of mind you're in right now. I'd much rather wait until you've calmed down—“
“Because you still fucking have feelings for her. If you didn't, you wouldn't care about telling me the truth. You wouldn't stand there and act like none of this is a big deal. It is a big deal, Devin. After everything I've done for you, and you can't just give me this little tidbit of information? Come on. Really?”
This time, that same reminder burns me worse than the first time she said it. It cuts throat deep. I never thought she'd throw that in my face. Twice at that. It ain't like I've ever asked her to help me. It ain't like I was looking for no hand out from her. It was her choice to do that.
“So you just gonna throw that in my face?” Now the entire subject changes.
“Well…”
“Tell me how you really feel? All that bullshit you were saying months past, that was a lie too huh? You worried about me lying, and here you are doing the same damn thing.”
“Because it's like you're taking advantage of me.”
“How am I taking advantage of you, Faith? How? I'm doing my VERY best to make sure you're okay every day. I'm doing everything in my power to be the best man I can be to you, so tell me how I'm taking advantage of you?”
Silence.
“You know what, right now I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you're just tripping right now. I don't know who said what to you. All I know is I'm not lying. You can't accept that then, I don't know what else to say.”
“I don't know if we should even be doing this. Maybe I was in over my head. Maybe everybody was right.”
“Keep doing what?”
“I don't see a point in us even continuing.”
My heart drops. She can't be serious right now.
“Are you for real?”
She remains quiet, but she never takes her eyes off of me. A ton of bricks just dropped on me. The weight of it all crushes every piece of my body. My woman, my lady, breaking up with me over something she has no clue of what she's talking about. I want to curse her. I want to pick her up and throw her across this room but I can't. I won't because I love her more than she knows.
“Just like that. It's that easy?” I say. My heart shatters into tiny pieces. This is all too much for me. I can't take another loss. I need to get out of here now.
“And of all people who I knew I could love and trust, I just knew it could be you. But I guess I was wrong about that myself.”
Her chin quivers and her eyes refill with tears as she stays apart from me.
“If that's how you want it,” I say. My hands rise in a backing off motion, and I head out of the bedroom. Just like her, I guess I'm done too.