DEVIN
A surprise visit wasn’t really in the plans for me to see Pastor Vincent. It's just that I need someone to talk to and he's been that trusted friend since the day we met. He tells me to come in, utterly surprised that I'm here.
“Hey man. I wasn't expecting you. What you know good?” He says as I make my way over to the chair in front of his desk. He sits back, rocking, pen tapping against his cheek.
“I know. I just wanted to come by and see how you were doing.”
He smiles, nodding. “You look a lot better since the last time I saw you.”
I chuckle to myself.
“Everything good with that, man?”
“Nah. Still don't know if I have a job or not. No one has called me. I figure I don't, so you know.”
“I see. How are you doing otherwise?”
I don't know if I'm ready to talk about it just yet, but I can't leave him hanging.
“I'm making it.”
“No word on her whereabouts or anything like that?”
“I haven't a clue on where to start with that. And given my current status, I don't even know if I'm allowed to go looking for her.”
“Do you have a court date yet?”
“Nah, not yet. I've been waiting for one.”
“Tell me something…how did you end up getting into a scuffle with Clayton anyway?”
“Man…Rev I swear to you I didn't start it. I was simply defending myself.”
“Well, what happened?”
I go on and tell him what the deal was. Just thinking about it gets me worked up a little bit.
“I have never liked that boy.”
“No one does.”
“Well son, if there is anything you need me to do to help you get through this, you just let me know. I've got some pretty good connections around town.”
“Thank you. I appreciate that.”
Then he says to me, “You know I overheard you all's argument that night.”
I sit up in my chair, release an exaggerated breath and put my head down.
“I take it you guys aren't together anymore?”
I nod.
“How'd that happen?”
“Rev, it's a long story.”
“We've got nothing but time. So tell me.”
I lightly scratch my nose and then sit back again. “It was because of my ex.”
“Mia?”
“Yeah.”
“What about Mia?”
“She caught us…well technically saw us hugging. I don't want to say caught because I wasn't doing anything with her that I wasn't supposed to be doing. I was just simply hugging the woman.”
“And so, what caused the breakup?”
“She saw it and immediately assumed the worst. We got into an argument about it and she just…she broke it off with me. I guess I wasn't giving her the answer she wanted to hear to see if she was right.”
“She wanted to say you were cheating on her, basically.”
“Basically.”
“Exactly what were you doing with Mia, if you don't mind me asking?”
I sigh, scoot to the edge of my seat and say, “Rev, what I need for Faith to understand is that my seeing Mia again had nothing to do with her at all. I met up with her because she asked. We've been keeping in contact on and off because she's been missing Logan. She's been asking to see her. So I wanted to give her that opportunity, despite what happened with us in the past. I know that I said a lot of things about Mia to Faith that would make her gather perceptions about her. But I swear to you, I had no intentions…I have no intentions of ever getting back with Mia. I was there to simply help her. She was asking for my help and given our history and our connection through our child, I wanted to do that for her. When Faith saw us together, she only caught the end of that whole meeting. I was leaving Mia so that she could go and do what she needed to do. I didn't mean to hurt Faith by that. But I told her that even if I tried to explain it, she wouldn't have understood.”
“Why do you think so?”
“Because she doesn't like Mia. I realize my mistake of making her out to be a horrible person. Faith's got her opinions about her, so imagine me trying to explain my position on helping my drug addicted ex to my girl, especially when she's in over her head about what she saw.”
He nods.
“Let me ask you something. Why did you think you had to help her in the first place?”
“Because she asked for it.”
“But what if she doesn't get the help she said she was getting, then what?”
“Well, I mean…I guess she just doesn't.”
“And that leaves you back where?”
“Hurt I guess because I believed her and trusted that she would do the right thing by me and our daughter.”
“Mmm hmm. And what else?”
“I don't know. I guess I would feel like she trick-bagged me into doing something for her that I really ain't need to do in the first place. And then we'd go back and forth with all these crazy emotions, me in particular.”
“Mmm hmm. And by that, it then affects your relationship with Faith.”
I look down quickly.
“Did you ever tell Faith that you were back in contact with Mia?”
“Not at first. Eventually, I did.”
“How did that turn out?”
“She wasn't feeling it.”
“And then seeing you with Mia after you telling her that you've been in contact, don't you think she kind of had a right to be upset?”
“I mean I guess so if you put it like that.”
“Were you happy with Faith?”
“Absolutely. No doubt about it.”
He nods and then looks to the side of him and then back at me.
“Devin…what I'm just trying to get you to understand is that I don't think she just got upset because of the fact that you had a conversation with Mia or that you innocently met up with her, but I think what you seemed to have missed is that Faith cares deeply about you. And to have to witness a loved one in communication with someone who has been repeatedly scorched by an ex, I don't think—“
“Now you sounding just like her,” I interrupt him.
“Now hold on. Let me finish because I'm going somewhere with this. I'm not trying to offend you, and I'm not taking up for her. I’m going to deal with her later, but I want you to see something here.”
“Go ahead.”
“Have you ever considered that connecting back with Mia is a distraction for you?”
“What do you mean?”
“You were getting back on your feet. You and Logan were in a good place. You and Faith were building such a beautiful relationship together and then out of nowhere here comes Mia again begging you for your help. For your attention. Now, if I ain't know any better, I'd say that yeah, you were just trying to do the right thing, but because I do know better and I've got lots of wisdom,” he says and then points at the greys on top of his head. “You see these…these are wisdom strands. Can you count them out?”
“No,” I laugh.
“Exactly. Too many to count. That's how much wisdom I have. So to me, I think you wanting to help Mia is a deeper issue, cause’ for all we know, she could be lying to you again and saying she's going to get help and end up right back at square one again. Then she comes calling you and asking for more money and using Logan as an excuse to get clean and so on and so forth and it'll be a repeated cycle, you catch my drift?”
“Yeah.”
“How did you get back in contact with Mia?”
“She spotted me at the train station one day, and I gave her my number.”
“Why'd you do that?”
“Because she told me she was trying to get her life right and that she missed us,” I confess.
“That wasn't the reason,” he tells me.
“What you mean?”
He scoots closer to his desk and crosses his fingers over each other and says to me, “You were hoping for it to be someone else inside that body of hers.”
“Who?”
“Your Mother. Your Father, maybe. That's why you couldn't turn away from her. She was too familiar for you.”
My stomach rolls a million times over inside. Am I breathing right now? Someone, please tell me I'm breathing.
“Every time you saw her, that little boy inside of you was looking for your parents, to gain a sense of who you are. You wanted to know why they left you like that. You wanted to find out why they left that little boy broken in pieces, fending for himself. Searching his way through life with no real direction.”
Oh boy.
I sigh deeply. My knee bounces up and down as he takes me to a place I've always been afraid to visit. How he sees all that just from one sentence, is crazy.
“Man, this is wild,” I mumble, taking my gaze off of him. I wipe my eyes quickly trying to suck in my tears. His voice comforting, he says, “It's okay. Stay there, man. Stay right there.”
I take a moment to regroup, but I don't know if it's working.
“You saw her a lot when y'all reconnected didn't you?”
I shake my head. My knee is still bouncing. I don't know how this man is reading me like this.
“I don't know why this is coming to me, but something is telling me that you were hoping to see your mama again each time. But she's not there, Devin. You can't keep going back there looking for her. She's gone. You're holding on to Mia in hopes that you can find some answers about yourself, which is only going to leave you stuck and broken. You're trying to fix her as a way of trying to fix yourself because of everything you suffered from your parents. That trauma is keeping you from the healing that you need. When we're broken, there's no possibility of fixing someone else.”
My emotions overwhelm me, and I let the tears fall.
“You felt invisible didn't you?”
I shake my head, hiding my face beneath the hood of my hand.
“And in that invisibility, you spent your whole life trying to prove to your mother that you needed her love. You needed her to see you, am I right?”
I nod.
“Hence why you ended up with Mia. She reminds you of her.”
A subtle moan leaves me. How does he know all of this?
“You stuck around because you thought you could make that right somehow. You wanted to prove that you could make it right…with her. And it's hard for you to separate the two because the correlation is so much alike. Being with Mia only reflects how you've always seen yourself—not worthy because that's what you've always been told. So any way to prove that you are worthy and valuable and deserve love, you'd go the lengths to do whatever you need, like trying to reconnect with Mia and help her with rehab, even if it is damaging you. That ain't nothing but that little boy trying to show his mother that he's a really good boy if she could just see it.”
My crying intensifies, and I curl into myself.
“She was just a reminder of that dark past, and you felt like you needed to hold on to it because that was all you knew. Everything your mother ever did, Mia did the same, right?”
I nod, broken-hearted.
“When she would go in and out as she pleased, she then became your daddy, right?”
I nod again.
“You gave her your number not because of her but because of you. What exactly were you looking for?” He asks. I shrug.
“I'll tell you what it was. You're looking for an apology.”
I break down again.
“That little boy in you is waiting for an apology for them to say that they are sorry and never meant to hurt you. You're looking for the courage to ask the questions that needed to be asked, hoping for an answer that will help you to forgive them but man, Devin, that apology is not going to come. That's a hard cross to bear, holding on and waiting for something that is not coming because they're gone. And trying to get it through Mia ain't gonna solve all that emotional baggage you have. It ain't gonna fix what happened. It's not going to erase your pain. If you go back there, you'll be returning back to that little boy again, desperately begging for her to see you and to apologize to you and to right their wrongs. You are trying to squeeze juice out of a metal brick, do you understand what I'm saying to you?”
My crying won't stop. The truth hurts so bad.
“And I've got to tell you man, ain't no joy coming from living in that dark and lifeless place. The only way you gonna be able to grow up from the child in you is to finally let it go and understand that what they did to you was not your fault. You have got to realize that you were not the issue. Just because you didn't get the love you deserved, doesn't mean you have to try and prove that you're worthy of being loved by someone who can't offer it to you the way you need it. Mia doesn't have it for you, no matter how much you try and help her. She's got to face her own demons. She can't do it. I want you to get that.”
Tears stream down my face and I just sit and listen, taking it all in because he's right. He's absolutely right about it. All this time, I didn't understand why I felt the need to connect with Mia again. Part of it had to do with Logan, but most of it had everything to do with me. I needed answers, and subconsciously I thought they were right inside of her. Somehow, I thought that maybe she could see me. She could see how much I needed her in some odd way. I just wanted to be protected. I just wanted to be loved. I just wanted to be my moms one and only boy. And I tried to get that out of Mia. Every day, I was reaching for my mama inside of her.
“So, can you see why Faith got so upset?”
I nod, snorting and sniffing.
“Because she loves you and wants nothing but the best for you. She didn't take you in just for the fun of it, but she had to, by divine order. And going back to Mia only disrupts that, you get what I'm saying? Someone who loves you so much, they did everything they could to get you into a better place to only turn around and see you crawling back to comfort. That's what that was. She don't know it, but I do.”
And he's right. I didn't even see it like that.
“Don't get comfortable, Devin. There's no place for you back there. I get that you wanted to see Mia get help. That's mighty kind of you, but what's more important is that you recognize the help you've been getting and accept it and move forward. You can't bring her with you. You can't bring your parents with you. The memory of them belongs to yesterday. You, my son, you've got to live today, for the sake of Logan and helping her to find out who she is as she continues to grow older. And she can't know if you don't know who you are. By dragging her in this with you, will only create the same emotional disruption for her as well and I know you don't want that.”
I don't. The damage has already begun with Logan. Everything Mia did to her, reminds me of what my mother did to me. So no, I don't want Logan to suffer the way that I have.
“Listen, what they did to you was beyond your control. What they said to you was not true. Their problems had nothing to do with you, man. All that is gone. All of it. So here's your chance in discovering that. Find your home again,” he says as he pokes at his own heart.
“Who are you?” He looks at me. I shrug again. “It's time you get to finding out, starting now.”
I'm at a loss for words. My tears take full control of this moment now. He gets up and comes over to my seat and pulls me out of the chair into a manly embrace. And in this moment, it's like a burden has been lifted—like he's stepped in to take on the spirit of my father. It's a hug that melts me back into that little boy again, not out of confusion or abandonment, but another chance to feel what I've always been longing for. It's weird. Hard to explain, but in all of his godliness, I feel the love from a father that I so desperately have been missing.
“You're going to be alright man. I know how it feels,” he mumbles above my shoulders. My heart releases every bit of questions, pain, grief, shame, and loneliness into his shoulders and he hugs me tighter. Pounding my back with a strong, loving hand.
“Release it. Let it go.”
I want to live again, but not like how I was before. The truth knocks down every wall, every barrier, every piece that was left to mean harm and washes me over with a newfound hope of finding out who I really am. And so, I let it all out in one loud cry. Here's to the new life. Here's to the new soul. Even in all of my brokenness, I take hold of what's to come.
Everything leading up to that fight is what's ultimately going to determine my fate for getting my little girl back. I've got a record already, and as soon as they investigate that part, I'm sure it's going to be used against me.
I don’t know what Faith's mother or whoever said to those people. I already know that she thinks I've been hitting up on Faith and if they saw her injuries, surely, they're going to think I'd do the same to Logan. I just beat Clayton's ass to a pulp. I can see it now. The reports saying I'm an unfit father. Anger-management problems. Reason to suspect child has been getting physically abused. With all this playing in my head, I don't even know which way to go, or how to proceed with taking action. I know I've been falsely accused but how do I determine that? How can I prove my side?
After a while, Pastor Vincent comes down the steps, spotting me alone.
“I thought you left already?”
“No. I just needed to clear my head for a little bit. Plus, I don't think going back to Faith's house is a good idea right now. I just need a little time.”
“I see.”
“Is it alright if I stay a few nights?”
“Sure. But can you promise me one thing?”
“What is it?”
“Come to service on Sunday?”
I want to say no, but instead, I just look at him and think on it. I ain't been to a church service in God knows when. I mean, ain't nothing wrong with it but the way everything’s looking right now, going to a church service ain't going to bring me no closer to getting Logan back in my arms. But I lay that thought to rest.
“I suppose I could.”
He smiles and then nods. “Alright then. Take all the time you need.”
I go back to my thoughts. He begins to head off in another direction but suddenly comes back. “Devin come here a second.”
I get up from the bed and go over to him as he stands partially visible from the hallway.
“What are you thinking about?”
“How ima get Logan back.”
His eyes shoot over to the computer room.
“There's your first clue.”
I look over into the lab and then back at him, confused.
“Son, listen, you won't know how until you force yourself to figure it out.”
I continue standing here, trying to put it all together.
“Don't let the fear of the unknown stop you. You want your little girl back right?”
“More than anything.”
“Then go in there and get on that computer. Do your research, man. Let me know if you need help. But one thing I'm not going to let you do is sulk and do nothing about it. She is waiting for you to come get her. So prove to her that you're coming.”
I nod then he says, “Who are you?”
He slaps me on the back and walks away without letting me answer. I grin, slowly entering the computer lab, log in and sit down. The blank screen stares back.
Who am I?
I guess I'm about to find out.