FAITH
Last Week of March
Uncle Vincent completes his prayer over me just as we wait for my case to begin. Devin, Logan, Trish, Robert, my aunts and my mother all sit behind me while we wait for the panel of the school board and the courts to get into session. My hands are sweating unforgiving, and chills run rapidly up and down my skin. I wait quietly in my seat. To the left of me, Devin and Logan sit there in support. She waves at me, and I wink back at her. And Devin offers me a sincere smile. Tendrils of nervousness curl into my stomach, making it tight with knots. I take deep, quiet breaths to calm myself. Uncle Vincent's sermon has been resonating with me, and I can't seem to shake the feeling of knowing what I need to do. I say a quick prayer, hoping God keeps me standing in the face of this.
The clerk then announces the start of the session, and we all rise to our feet in accordance. The judge enters in and tells us to be seated. Seeing him and the small group of board members sitting behind their tables, faces tight and unmoved, I know they mean business, and they're going to make sure I get whatever they think I deserve.
As they begin to earnestly look through their notes before them, I feel so unprepared. I've no one to represent me, and even if I did, I don't think there'd be a way they could help me win this case by a long shot. I don't know if it was a smart decision to go without one, but my guts been telling me to trust myself. I've just got to hope it's not leading me in the wrong direction.
The judge requests for Logan's removal before we start and then ask more questions.
“Since there is no counsel for you, defendant, I take it you will be representing yourself, correct?”
“Yes, your honor.”
“Okay. So we have here, 'Failure to provide a timely report to child protective services in regards to the welfare of Northlake Elementary student, Logan Wilhite, to the school administration, is that correct?”
“That's correct.”
“The county board of education basic commitments policy no. 0127 strictly states, and I quote “Maryland State Law mandates the direct reporting of suspected child abuse, be it physical, sexual, mental injury or child neglect, by every professional employee of any school who has reason to believe that a child has been abused by a parent, legal guardian or custodian of a child under the age of eighteen years. By adoption of this policy, we extend this reporting obligation to all employees, contractors, and volunteers who work with the school system. Is that correct?” He turns to the panel. They all nod and agree. I clear my throat.
“Has this case or is this case being investigated thoroughly?”
“Yes, your honor. It’s been investigated.” Principal Erivo says.
“Based on the written policy, why didn't you decide to go through with it?” He asks me.
“Your honor, the last thing on my mind that day was the school's policy. I was just trying to help someone I saw in need. They were scared. They were alone. They had nowhere else to go, and so I just wanted to step in to help the best way I could.”
He nods. The panel remains seated, all eyes still glued to me.
“What happened on the day you found them? Do you recall that day at all?”
“I do your honor. Umm, I was headed to my class like any other day. I heard noises coming from the Janitors closet. I checked it out. The noise was my student and her father who were hiding in there.”
“And why were they hiding in there?”
“Because they were homeless, your honor. So, he took it upon himself to find shelter at the school, mainly so that Logan wouldn't be late.”
“The school's surveillance shows the father breaking into the school, which is also an act of trespassing, to seek refuge in a Janitors closet. Of all places, he chooses a Janitors closet to lay their head for the night. Does that not scream child neglect to you?” He asks.
“It could but in this case, what I saw was a father willing to go above and beyond to keep his child from dying in the cold outdoors. I saw a dedicated father who was taking extreme measures to make sure that despite their circumstances and living condition, that his child wouldn't miss school and that her belly would be fed. That she'd be one of the first to arrive on time in a long time to continue to get her education, your honor.”
He puts his head down and writes on his notepad. Some from the panel do the same. I clear my throat once again, rubbing my hands against my shirt to remove the sweat from my palms.
“Were you ever aware of their situation before finding them?”
“No, your honor.”
“He’s here with you now?” I look behind me and nod.
“Please come up sir.”
Devin comes from behind the gates and stands next to me. The judge goes on to ask more questions. I'm praying with all my might that they won't use any of this against him and once the questioning is done, he'd just be an afterthought. The bailiff comes over to swear him in, and we proceed.
“How long were you considered homeless before hiding within the school?”
“I believe for about a month, your honor,” he says.
“Of all places, why the school?”
“I was late getting to a shelter. By the time I had gotten there, they were all booked up. I knew my daughter had to get to school the next day so I just thought about staying up there. I had to think of something quick cause’ it was extremely cold, and I wasn't going to let her stay out on the street.”
“You couldn't call any family or friends?”
“I have no family or friends, your honor. All of those scenarios I've already thought of. The only thing I was left with was going up to the school. It was the only thing I could think of at the time.” The judge nods his head again and starts to write on his pad.
“Thank you. You may be seated.”
The judge now looks to me, his glasses halfway down his nose, and says, “Ms. Darby, I get why you thought it would be the right thing to do by taking them in and not letting the school know of the circumstances in which Mr. Wilhite was suffering against. But, as a faculty member of the Prince George's County Schools, who is well aware of the school's codes and policy's, there are consequences that must be addressed. Per the article, it is written that for administration procedures in the case of suspicion of child abuse or neglect, you were supposed to report it immediately to Child Protective Services. You were to give information that must be maintained by the appropriate office in a confidential database of all alleged and confirmed cases of child abuse. And the consequences for failing to provide a timely report to Child Protective Services include, for employees, disciplinary action up to termination and request to the State Superintendent of Schools to suspend or revoke the employee's professional certificate, as appropriate, which is why we're here.
The consequences are as written, however, the school board is willing to negotiate the fate of your position under the following circumstances. You have the choice of remaining employed, agreeing to the removal of the said pupil from your class and all other educational activities for the remainder of the school year. You will not be allowed to have any private interactions without another staff member present. You must leave the outcome of the child's welfare in the hands of social services, and no charges will be brought against you for harboring a trespasser. Suspension will be lifted immediately, and you will be able to return to work within the week,” he says.
“And what are the terms if I don't go through with said negotiation?”
“They will have to follow through on the policy, and you will be terminated effective immediately.”
I turn to look back at Devin and my family. Uncle Vincent nods, his smile tells me something that I probably should already know.
“Your honor, may I have a quick break?”
“Certainly. The Court will take a ten-minute recess. We will presume respectively.”
He gets up from behind his desk and leaves the room. The panel remains seated, talking amongst themselves. Devin comes over to me and takes my hand.
“Do you know what you're doing?”
I sigh, scared half to death actually and say, “I have no clue.”
“Don't think you have to go any further. What you've done for me and my girl is more than enough, Faith.”
I smile and hug him. “You sure?”
“More than enough.”
Uncle Vincent comes over and puts a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “You okay?”
“No!” I nervously laugh.
“You're doing so good up there.”
“I'm sweating bullets. I just want to get this over with.”
“I just want you to know that no matter what you choose to do, make sure it's because it was what you were supposed to do. Not what your mother says or your friends. Not even what Devin says, you hear me? You follow your gut. The answer is there. Go for it.”
I agree with him as he takes a hold of both my hands and squeezes them tight.
Soon we come back into session. Everyone takes their seat and we start up again. I don't know why but for some reason I feel compelled to really say what's on my mind. This could cost me everything, but being loyal to myself, it's the price I'm willing to pay. The judge reiterates everything he's explained, but I decide to stop him.
“Your honor, may I have the floor for a second?”
He motions for me to have at it. Now all eyes on me, I take a big gulp, pull my blouse down and clear my throat and stare everyone in the face and say, “All my life I've been told whether or not me doing something out of the kindness of my heart would backfire or propel me. I've listened to countless voices pleading for me to turn a blind eye or a deaf ear for the sake of protecting myself. For years, those voices and opinions of others have played an unfair part in the direction of my life and the choices I make. Just like with this ultimatum that the board has given me—to choose my battle between giving someone else life or purposely taking it—what you're telling me to do is to take my lungs out and still find a way to breathe. What you're asking of me is to be okay with knowing that the help they needed—the help that I so willingly gave to them—now has to be taken away and I have to keep my hands out of it from this day forth. I have to talk myself into sleeping well at night, knowing that once this is all done, their lives will end up more complicated than it was before. Where is the mercy in that? Where is the compassion?”
Uncle Vincent puts up his two thumbs, grinning as I look back at him briefly.
“You see, I was taught by a good friend of mine to always be kind to others. To lend a listening ear. To be there when my fellow brother is down and out. I was taught that in crisis, to make myself available and to give what I have to help lighten the load. Now, I'm not trying to make this religious rhetoric, but I've always been the kind of person who would consider the heart and mind of Christ and ask what He would do before I would ask man. And if I know him to be in my heart, there's no way that I could easily give the lot over to you all without some kind of knowing that they will be okay.
For months, they have stayed with me. And during that time, their lives have changed for the better. My life has changed for the better. And to remove them would only force them back to where they started in the first place. Now you say that if I consider taking in one of my students, which I know breaks all rules, I could lose my job. Well, sometimes it takes the breaking of a rule to get a point across and for the consideration of rules to be changed. If I have to face ridicule and retribution because of my decision to choose them…so be it, because it would do me no good to walk out of this courtroom and go home with a job but have to be absent from a child who I care so deeply for, for the simple fact of wanting to be present and caring for her and her father. By all means, everybody on the panel,” I say to them, “I appreciate the negotiation, but this one I cannot negotiate on as now my character and integrity are on the line.”
Take a breath, Faith.
My heart is pounding ferociously. It's taking everything in me to not fall over as my knees lock into position. I wait for the panel to say something, but the room remains silent. I can feel the eyes of those behind me looking and wondering what I had just done. I turn to find those familiar faces, searching for a bit of encouragement. Uncle Vincent still smiling. My mom…she's ‘bout ready to climb over every last person in here to get to me and shake some sense into my head. Trish winks and smiles. I refrain from letting any other emotion take over me, as I don't want to ruin the moment.
“Ms. Darby, what you're telling us here is that you are simply okay with losing your position and your license to teach county and statewide by all means? You do realize what you are losing by making this statement?”
“Yes, your honor, I do.”
“Faith what in the hell are you doing?” Devin whispers to me from behind, but I shoo him away, still waiting for the final order.
“Okay. As we all heard the final decision of the defendant, Faith Darby on the case of Darby vs. school board, I hereby grant the request of the defendant, that removal from all county and statewide schools be effective immediately. Certificates and any kind of licensing that make you eligible to teach in any classroom within the county or state are now null and void. However, in this case, we release all responsibility of maintaining a healthy living environment established between you and the father of Logan Wilhite per the final investigation of child welfare. As for the negotiation in regards to charges being dropped for trespassing, I still grant that request for the defendant. However, a fine is due for the breaking and entering of the school. Fine set at Twenty-five hundred dollars. Case dismissed. You all have a great day.” He slams his gavel and gets up from the bench and walk away.
Uncle Vincent whispers a victorious yes. I look behind me at all the public attendees. In the front row seats my family seemingly indecisive on what to feel. But I know now, my mother isn't too pleased. She gets up and walks out of the room without a word to spare. Trish, on the other hand, comes over to me and gives me a hug.
“I'm so proud of you sis,” she says. Robert comes by to hug me too but doesn't utter a word. Aunt Regina and Valerie, they offer me an embrace. Then Regina says, “Baby girl, look, I may not have agreed with your decision to just drop everything like that, but I want you to know your auntie does love you and is so proud of you for sticking up for yourself and even sticking up for them. So, keep following your heart. Auntie is here. I love you.”
They all leave me behind with the exception of Devin. I step behind with him in the gallery, and we exchange smiles for a moment.
“You know you didn't have to do that for me.”
I shift my weight to my other foot.
“I know.”
“That was your job, Faith. What were you thinking? We would've faired off. I mean you've already done more than enough. I'm not asking you to do any of this at all.”
I nod.
“You can't just give up everything like that.”
“Devin, I'm good. I needed to do it. You wouldn't understand.”
“Well help me try to understand, cause’ that was just…” he chuckles trying to find the words. “I don't know. That was just honest and brave of you…to do that for us. I don't really know how I can repay you for everything you've done.”
I shrug him off.
“My only concern is making sure you guys are alright. I'll be fine. I'll get another job. Hey, maybe I can actually go into a field I really do like this time around.” I jokingly nudge his arm. He doesn't find me funny though, but instead takes my hand in his and stares me deep into my eyes. I can feel the tears coming, but I suppress them as much as possible, every now and again looking away and letting out a nervous laugh.
“Faith, I truly don't know what to say,” he starts. “Thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for taking us in when you didn't have to. I know it wasn't the easiest thing to do, but you did it for whatever reason.”
“It was the least I can do, Devin.”
He nods and looks away for a moment. “So what happens now?”
I shrug. I'm hoping that he'll ask for me to be his woman again. Of all things, I desire that the most, but I won't push it. Given everything that's happened, perhaps time is still needed, and I've got to respect that. I'm just glad he's happy, and they're reunited again.
“Whatever you want to happen,” I tell him. This time I fake my smile, drape my arm across his shoulder, and we walk out together.
Devin
My conscience is nagging me to tell her about all the meet-ups with Mia, especially this last one. Witnessing what she just did for us, it's only fair. Takes a different level of courage to do something like that and be okay with it. I don't even know how I can match her efforts, but I want to try. I need to try.
We get into the parking garage, and I tell Logan to go sit in the car for a second while Faith and I have a moment together.
“What?” She says. I press myself against the trunk and fold my arms. I take a deep breath.
“I shouldn't have gone to see Mia.”
She does a chuckling scoff and then looks away.
“I think I get it now, why I kept doing it. I mean for real, she did want to see Logan for her birthday, but it wasn't bad enough. I fell for it again. This time it burns. The truth is burning me. I was just so certain she was getting it together. I mean she looked good physically, but her head wasn't there. Like I knew she wasn't all the way in her right mind and then seeing how disappointed Logan was, that light bulb came on for me. I don't know man,” I say, holding my head down in shame. Confessing the truth ain't the easiest thing, but I just want to be set free. This going back and forth is getting old to me now.
“What were you looking for, Devin?” She asks. There's a hint of frustration in her tone. Uncle Vincent pops up in my head. It's the question that makes me confess what it is.
“You know, I had a talk with Uncle Vincent not too long ago. It was after we had broken up and he just…he kept telling me what it was. I didn't want to believe all of it, but I guess the saying the truth shall set you free really is true. I guess I was just hoping for something different one last time. To see if what he said could be myth busted in a way. But everything he said, it kept coming back to me. I realize that I was returning because she kept making promises that she's getting better and that she needed me around. I wanted to hear that she missed me and that she's sorry for everything that has gone down between us. I was looking for her regret. And what your uncle told me was that, that was nothing but me looking for my mother and father to come back and tell me those things. I was still forcing myself to suffer behind that little boy looking for answers. But they're long gone. They can't offer me anything. I guess, in short, I was only looking for their apology but the reality is, it's not going to come.
And so I know now what it is. I've got to understand that I'll never get what I've been looking for out of her or them. I know I have to let it go. I will always have a love for her, that's being honest. But you know she's doing more damage to me than I had wanted to admit. I think she definitely wanted something different the last time we met before she left but I guess you know, maybe she psyched herself into believing it until she got back here.”
“I see,” she says as she wipes away a tear then looks away. I clear my throat and go on. “Anyway, to say the least, I won't be going back there no more. I think I really am done with trying to fix a past that ain't meant to be fixed. I can try and use Logan all I want, but the truth of the matter is that I was doing it because of me. And I'm sorry that I made you feel like you weren't good enough to help me keep going. I think with that, it was like going from one extreme to another—from hate and abandonment to love and acceptance—I didn't know what to do with that. And that's probably why I did what I did. I was ready for you, but I wasn't ready at the same time. I couldn't channel it correctly, and so I'm very sorry. I know I messed up. I want you to know that.”
She takes a deep breath and wipes her face again and then puts on a smile. She heads over to the driver side and gets in, leaving me hanging at the backside of the vehicle.
I deserve that.
I catch her looking at me from the rearview mirror though. I don't know if she's mad or not, but finding out might not be the smartest thing. So, I gather myself and get in on the opposite side, buckle up and stay quiet. I think it's safe to say we both need time to process what's going on. Just hope it doesn't take too long for us to figure it out.