Being with Chacey again was like coming home. In all her imaginings, nothing had prepared Elaine for what she was experiencing. She loved Chacey with all her soul and being with her again was like being made whole again. But after spending a night and a day with Chacey, Elaine was glad to be back at the retreat. She had to get some fresh clothes and wanted some time to process everything that had happened. She still felt the lingering fear that always haunted her, but it was different now that Chacey was back in her life. Now the fear of not having Chacey in her life was greater than her fear of harm coming to her, and she would not send her away again. She’d promised Chacey she would only be a few hours, and they would meet for dinner.
Chacey had been reluctant to let her go but had given in when Elaine had promised she would be back. Elaine knew Chacey was afraid she would run away from her again. But that wasn’t going to happen. She was relieved to be back at the retreat but missed having Chacey with her. After her shower, she made her way around the grounds looking for Christian. Hannah had said she had gone for a walk early, but hadn’t come back for lunch. Elaine thought she knew just where she could find her.
The roses hung heavily along the trellis as Elaine stepped into the secret garden. She found Christian sitting on a bench near the hammock where they had spent that first day in the garden together. Elaine could see that Christian was lost in thought and hadn’t heard her approach. She seemed troubled. Concern flashed over Elaine and she stepped closer. “I thought I might find you here.”
Christian lifted her head and looked up at Elaine. Her skin was pale, her eyes unfocused.
“Oh, dear,” Elaine said and came to Christian’s side. “What is it, sweetheart?” Elaine suddenly realized that of all the time they had spent together comforting each other, Christian had never talked about the demons that haunted her. Now Elaine could see the pain as vividly as if it were alive and hovering over Christian like a menacing beast.
Christian didn’t answer. She just returned to staring at her hands, lying limply in her lap.
Elaine sat down with Christian and placed her arm around her shoulders, pulling her head to her chest and rocking her gently. Elaine let the silence linger for a while longer before prodding further. “Christian. Talk to me, sweetheart.”
Christian slowly raised her head and sighed. “I don’t know how,” she said, her voice hollow and defeated.
“Just start at the beginning. I find that is always easiest.”
Christian took a deep breath and began her story. “A little over a year and a half ago, I was in a terrible car accident. My lover, Cara, was killed. Now, no matter how hard I try, I can’t figure out how to go on living without her. She was so amazing. I thought we would grow old together. We would even talk about it and make jokes about being two old lesbians chasing each other around the old folks’ home with our canes and wheelchairs. She was the life, love, laughter, and happiness of my world. She was my champion.” Christian smiled weakly as she glanced at Elaine.
“I came to Willow Springs to try to figure out how to live in a world without Cara. The head injury I received in the crash left me with seizure-like spells. The fainting and the times I’ve seemed lost in my thoughts and almost unreachable are all the result of my injuries. I don’t know how to trust myself in my work or doing most normal everyday things. Since coming here, I’ve been better. I’ve gotten stronger and the spells have receded.”
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”
“I know.” Christian forced another smile. “I guess I thought if I came somewhere where no one knew my story, I could figure out how to start over and put the pain in the past.”
“So, what’s happened?” Elaine’s voice was soft and gentle as she encouraged Christian to keep talking.
“Alex happened.” Christian let out a long breath and her shoulders slumped.
“Alex?” Elaine asked, trying to put the pieces together.
“During all the years I knew Cara and even since the accident, I’ve never wanted another woman. Alex stirs feelings in me that I thought I’d never feel again.”
Understanding began to surface as Elaine thought about the years without Chacey and her lack of connection with another woman in all that time. Although she’d felt she could not be with Chacey, she had wanted to be faithful to the love she still had for her. “But there’s more, isn’t there,” she said knowingly.
Christian nodded. “I still love Cara. I miss her every day. I feel like I’m betraying her if I allow these feelings for Alex.” Her tears fell freely. “I don’t think I deserve to have someone love me. I should have died that day.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” Elaine whispered, taking Christian into her arms again. “You didn’t leave Cara. You haven’t betrayed her. And I’m sure that she would never have left you, given a choice. A love like that is a rare and special gift. If you had spent fifty years together, it wouldn’t have been long enough to outlive that love.”
Christian sighed. “No.”
“So, what do you think Cara would say to you right now if she could tell you what to do?”
Christian was quiet for a while before answering. “I’m not sure.”
“Well, maybe you should ask. Put yourself in her place, knowing how much you loved her. What would you say if it were you?”
After a long silence, Elaine spoke again. “I loved Chacey so much that I’d have sacrificed myself for her. I became so caught up in seeing the situation from my point of view that I wouldn’t look at it any other way. By trying to protect her, I hurt her. My refusal to give up that control cost me precious time and almost cost me the person I love. It sounds like you’re only looking at your situation from the point of losing Cara. But what was all the time you spent together about? Don’t do what I did. Open your heart to the different possibilities.”
Christian remained quiet for a long time. Elaine sat thinking about her own revelation. She had only been seeing her situation from one point of view. She too had to open herself to more possibilities. A thought struck her. She had created the fear that trapped her memories in her mind. She had to start seeing the problem from a different point of view. And this time she wouldn’t do it alone.
*
Chacey grabbed the phone on the first ring, her heart in her throat. “Special Agent Bristol speaking.”
“Hi, Chacey,” a cheerful male voice said over the line. “How’s it going?”
Chacey pushed out a sigh of relief at hearing Joey’s voice. “Hi, Joey. Things here are good. Is everything good with the house? Is Miss Priss giving Charley a hard time?”
Joey laughed. “No, things here have been great. I just wanted to check in and see how your trip is going. You know, you left in a bit of a hurry, and I thought maybe that special project you’ve been working on finally came through.”
Chacey smiled. She loved Joey. He always looked out for her, and she appreciated his faithful confidence. “Something along those lines, yes.” Chacey was smiling now, thinking of having Elaine back in her life. “I think some of the things I’ve been looking for are falling into place.”
“Well hallelujah,” Joey said. “I’m happy as hell to hear that. So I guess that means you’ll be out of town a few more days, then?”
Chacey thought about her answer and didn’t know what she expected with Elaine at this point. “I’ll have to let you know, Joey. I have a lot to work out before I’ll know what my plans are. I’ll get back to you in a few days. Will that be okay? Seriously, is Miss Priss tormenting Charley?”
Charley was Joey’s cat, a monster of a feline, weighing in at about twenty pounds. He and Miss Priss had not had a pleasant history. Upon their first meeting, Miss Priss had pounced on Charley’s back, bitten a chunk out of his left ear, and taken his favorite sleep pillow. Charley had never forgiven the small intruder and had set out to ambush Miss Priss every time he found her asleep. The result was an all-out war.
“No, no. Nothing like that—they’re actually getting along this time. I think Miss Priss feels a little bad about the last time they had a sleepover and has been making it up to him. But there is one thing you could do for me.”
Chacey was mystified. What would Joey need her to do in Tennessee? “Okay. What is it?”
Joey was hesitant and then blurted, “Can you get that crazy bitch Karen to stop calling me? She’s been hounding me ever since you left, trying to get information about why you left town. Seriously, that woman is not right in the head. You sure she’s not an ex-girlfriend?”
Chacey laughed. “I’m sure. I’ll see what I can do, Joey. I’m sorry she’s been pestering you. I know she can be a bit…persistent.”
“Persistent, hell! I thought she was going to come over here and look under the bed and make sure you weren’t hiding there. I have these images of being under a bright light in an interrogation room like in the old cop movies. You know I don’t like her anyway. She’s like a bad rash that just won’t go away. And the whining—really, I think my ears are bleeding.”
Chacey was laughing so hard she was holding her side now. “Okay, okay. I’ll talk to her. I wouldn’t want big, burly, two-hundred-pound Joey being afraid of little, girly, one-hundred-ten-pound Karen.”
“Very funny,” Joey huffed. “You know you avoid her half the time too.”
“Yeah. You’re right. Thanks again for all your help, Joey.”
“No problem. Good luck, Chacey. I’ve got my fingers crossed for you.”
“Thanks. I’ll talk to you in a couple of days.”
Chacey was smiling as the call ended. She had good friends. Heaving a deep sigh, she dialed Karen’s number. She suspected she’d regret it, but a promise to a friend was a promise.
“Chacey, sweetie. Oh my gosh! I’m so glad you called! I’ve been worried sick about you! Where are you?” Karen’s voice was shrill, and Chacey wondered if she would take a break from Twenty Questions long enough for her to answer.
Hearing Karen pause for a breath, Chacey cut in, “Hello, Karen.”
After ten minutes of nonstop prattle, Chacey was tired of the questions. “Look, Karen. I’m not telling you where I am. Joey doesn’t know either, so you don’t have to try to pull it out of him. You really don’t have to worry about anything. I’m fine, the house is fine, the cat is fine, and I’ll see you when I get home.”
Karen’s voice came back hurt and whiny. “You’re upset with me.”
“No. Karen, listen to me. I appreciate your concern, really. But I just need you to back off a little.”
“Okay, sweetie. Just be safe out there and come back soon.” Karen’s voice still seemed small and wounded, making Chacey feel guilty for hurting her feelings.
“I will. Take care.” Chacey ended the call and fell onto the bed. She couldn’t wait to see Elaine again.