Chapter 11

Chapter 11

I walk into our session the next day to another plate of sugar cookies.

“What are you bribing me into today?”

“Bribing is such a negative word.” He waves the plate under my nose. “I’m only hoping you’ll consider a different therapy for today.”

“You’re not allowed to do any brain drilling.” I sound like Elfi now.

“Oh dear, nothing like that, just one that might unearth some of your repressed memories.”

“You don’t mean hypnosis.”

He laughs. “Yes, I do, and don’t make such a face.”

I grab a cookie from the pile and he points to the long bench in the back of the room.

“Lie down.” He removes his coat and rolls it up to place it under my head. I immediately smell the scent I grew so used to in our tent.

He pulls down the blinds in his room and drags a chair beside me.

“You’re not going to make me cluck like a chicken or dance around the room, are you?”

“I plan on it.” He takes out his watch to keep track of the time. “I’ve canceled my next session in order to give us enough time.”

“What are you trying to accomplish with this?”

“I want to see if something might have triggered these delu—” He stops himself. “Past life memories.”

I roll my eyes and then close them. I actually thought that he might have started to believe me. “Fine. What do I have to do?”

“Just relax and trust me. It only works if you trust me. I promise I won’t make you bark like a dog…well, maybe dance around the room. I might enjoy that.”

I open my eyes back up, wide, and he laughs. “Seriously, relax and listen to my words.”

He tells me to relax each muscle, starting from my toes to the top of my head. By the time he’s finished, every part of me feels completely relaxed. “Now I want you to find a set of stairs in your mind. A grand staircase with many steps. Go down five steps. Now ten more. Look around at what you see. Take ten more steps down. You’re nearing the bottom and you see a door. I want you to walk to the door.”

I see the large oak door and I stand in front of it.

“This is the door to your past; when you open it, you will see your earliest memory of significance.”

I cross the threshold of the door and look up to see stars filling the whole stretch of moonless sky. Large stars twinkle and catch my eye, as small stars—white dust thrown across the black—make me squint to see them. I focus back to ground level, where I follow the rolling landscape of sand.

“What do you see?” Dr. Evert’s voice calls from far away.

“I stand before the Pyramid of Khufu in a long line of boys. Once a massive rock door is opened, two priests emerge with torches and we all follow.”

“What are you thinking?”

“I should have been first.”

“What happens next?”

“The priests lead the way through the narrow passageway; chanting and music surrounds us. The priests remove another door and we come into a chamber where a statue of Amun and four other high priests stand. A priest serves the first boy in line wine from a golden cup and white bread torn from the offering loaves. After he partakes, he is sent ahead to another chamber.”

“What do you hear?”

“The priest turns and asks, ‘You will loyally serve your gods and goddesses under Ra and the Pharaoh?’ I recite, ‘I will, or the Pharaoh take my life and Ra deny me afterlife.’”

“And then…?”

“I step into an even lower-ceilinged passageway, where two naked boys stand beside open fires. One tries to pull away from the priests who hold him, screaming as the surgeon makes a quick movement.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“Coward. I remove my robe and march forward. Each priest takes an arm, and the surgeon kneeling before me brushes the tip of my manhood with the anesthetic. The surgeon grasps a thin knife, pulls my foreskin forward in one hand, and slices off the small piece of flesh with the other.”

I inhale sharply, registering the hot flash of pain.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I push the pain away. “The surgeon throws the flesh into the fire, then covers the wound with a linen wrap. I bow to the priests and they all bow back.”

“What has just happened?”

“I am one of the priesthood now.”

“Annelie?”

“My name is Sokaris.”

“I need you to walk back through the door.”

Suddenly the oak door appears in the chamber, and I do as Dr. Evert instructs. I find myself back at the bottom of the grand staircase.

“Did you walk through the door?”

I nod.

“Now turn to your left. Do you see another door?”

There is now another oak door where there was none before. I nod.

“When you walk through this door, it will take you to Annelie’s very first significant memory.”

I push the heavy door open.

“What do you see?”

I walk up to a bed and hear thick coughing. “Mother is very sick.”

“How old are you?”

“Kathrin and I have just turned four. Almost the same age I lost my mother when I was Edgar. The doctor has to come to our house and she’s coughing just like Virginia did, just like Henry, just like Jane, just like my last mother. I hate the sound of coughing. I don’t want to see the red handkerchiefs.”

“What do you do?”

“I hide. Until the doctor is gone. They can’t find me. Kathrin finally comes and sits with me. My father is angry when he pulls me out. I’m waiting for someone to take me away, but they never do. But Mother gets better.”

“Does coughing still bother you?”

“Not as much anymore. It’s the first time someone gets better.”

“Now I want you to back through the door.” I step through to the grand staircase once again. “There is another door to your right. This door will take you back to your last memory with James. Step through the door and tell me what you see.”

Another oak door appears to my right. I hesitate slightly on the handle but open it slowly.

“And what do you see?”

“A dark sky moves in and opens up. As the rain streams down, James sits shirtless at the slit in our lean-to with his head hung down. I make my way to the space beside him, hoping to get some fresh air. I don’t say a word and neither does James. It’s in heat such as this that I wish I could peel off my shirt, too.”

“Why can’t you take off your shirt?”

“Because everyone will know.”

“Know what?”

“My secret.”

“Can you tell me?”

I shake my head slowly.

“In your own time, then. Please keep going.”

“We know our time is limited in this terrible prison camp. James seems in another world, another place. All I can think of is how badly I want to brush away a drenched curl that drips on his closed eyelid. I fight an urge to just pull all his curls back off his beautiful face.”

“Do you have feelings for James?”

“Yes, but he can never know.”

“Why not?”

I can barely hear him. He sounds so far away. “The thunderstorm gets closer. James looks up quickly and demands, ‘What are you looking at?’ ‘Nothing,’ I mumble, but I can feel his stare, and blood rushes to my cheeks. I know that the blushing could betray my disguise by—”

Dr. Evert breaks in, “What disguise do you wear?”

I pause for some time. “That I’m male.”

“You’re not a male?”

“No, I’m a young woman.”

“Fighting in the American Civil War?”

“Yes.”

“What happens next?”

“I slowly start to edge back into the tent. The thunder intensifies, rattling the ground. James shoves me back on the ground and my head hits the ground hard. He rolls over on me and pulls me by my shirt back into the lean-to. As he jumps on my back, I curse, ‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ He then throws me over and jumps on top of me, punching me in the gut. Bringing his knee up, he hits me in the groin, hard. I keep swatting him in the face and suddenly he draws back and says, ‘You didn’t even flinch when I kneed you.’ I can’t think of an excuse quick enough. He pulls my face close for inspection. The lightning flares, with an immediate and deafening thunderous response. I see the realization in his eyes and he pushes me away angrily and stares across the small space of the lean-to in shock.”

“James knows your secret.”

I nod. “He reaches for my face again and strokes my cheek, then removes my hat with his other hand. He puts his hand under my chin to bring my eyes back up to his and smiles once again as he searches my eyes.”

I pause for a moment.

Dr. Evert quickly prompts, “What does he do?”

I swallow hard. “James bends down and kisses my lips. He presses me back on the ground gently, and this time I don’t fight him. As I look into his face, all of the hardness I’ve grown used to disappears as relief wipes away all his pain for the instant. As he looks into my eyes, I can’t imagine a more beautiful man or one that I would rather have this moment with.”

“This moment, do you mean the kiss?”

“No,” I say. “More than the kiss.”

Dr. Evert shifts in his chair. “What happened…after?”

“The storm retreats and the dark clouds give way to a red sunset just before twilight sets in. I don’t move for fear of breaking the peace of this moment. I fall asleep to his rhythmic breathing, under the blanket of his warm body, happier than I ever have been in my life.”

There is quiet in the room, until Dr. Evert finally speaks with a soft voice. “Why have you stopped?”

“Because I just want to stay in that moment.”

“Please continue.”

I shake my head.

“Please.”

“I awake to James carelessly throwing my uniform on my bare body. ‘Get dressed,’ he says with none of the emotion he showed last night, not even a look my way. He already has his trousers on. I hurry to cover myself, immediately feeling dirty and ashamed. ‘What’s wrong?’ I ask. He gets closer to me and says, ‘I never should’ve—’ but steps back, runs his fingers through his hair, and flees the tent. I pull myself together to follow him. My heart seems to stop beating when I spot him over by the prison guard tower, yelling up to the guard at his post. The guard laughs and James, seeing me, points in my direction as I approach. ‘This soldier needs to be removed from this camp. This private should not be here. It’s a mistake! His sex is misunderstood,’ James exclaims louder than he should, catching the attention of anyone within earshot. This catches the guard off guard, and as he looks me up and down, he states rather nonchalantly, ‘Just count yourself lucky to be sharing a tent with one.’ He ends that with a wink, which sets James off. ‘This soldier is a woman!’ and with this he pulls at the weakened buttons on my shirt, which pops open to reveal my left breast. I quickly pull the shirt closed, but not before the guard witnesses it.”

“I’m sure James was only thinking of your safety,” Doctor Evert says.

“I asked James, ‘How could you do this to me after all I have done for you?’”

“And what did he say?”

“‘How could I let you die here after all you’ve done for me?’”

“See, he cared,” the doctor stresses, but he calms his voice again. “I’m sorry, please continue.”

“I stumble over a rock and fall to my knees while the guard drags me, causing my shirt to reopen, which inspires a cheer among some of the prisoners watching. I get back up, close my shirt again, and lift my chin up, masking my embarrassment. I yell in James’s direction, ‘You better make it out of here, James, and when you do, I’ll see you in Kansas City.’ I hold in my tears and turn to catch him walking to our tent without one glance back at me.”

The stillness returns. It’s almost as if Dr. Evert has forgotten to direct me. Everything falls black in my mind.

“Oh, um, right. Don’t walk through the door yet. What is James’s last name and regiment?”

“James Lyons from the 149th New York Infantry.”

His pen scratches across his page. “Does he ever find you?”

“No. I died giving birth to our child. I don’t know if he even survived.”

“How tragic.” He actually sounds sincere. “Do you see the door?”

A door appears out of the darkness. “Yes.”

“Go through it back to the staircase. Start climbing the stairs once again, ten steps, ten more steps, now five steps, and you only have five more steps before you reach the top again. When I clap my hands, I want you to open your eyes and return to our session, remembering everything you saw and heard. One…two…three…” Clap.

Dr. Evert is much closer to me than when I laid down. The room is darker than I remembered. Was a storm approaching? I strain to sit up, but he puts his hand out.

“Stay still for a bit. Readjust to everything.” He leans back again and crosses his long legs. “That was quite fascinating. I’ve never witnessed such a detailed session.”

It hits me what I’ve shared with him.

“I could have told you most of those things. Not word for word, but I see these memories in my mind every day.”

“You already knew this?”

I hesitate a moment. “Yes.”

“Since I first met you?”

“I’ve always known what happened. As soon as I saw you, I knew who you were.”

His eyes sparkle as he takes it all in. “But you didn’t want to tell me.”

“Of course. I wasn’t sure about telling you today, either, but now you know.”

“I’m glad I know.”

There’s a knock at the door. Dr. Evert leaps up. “Just a moment,” he says to me. He steps outside his door and I hear murmuring. I take the time to sit up since lying down makes me feel uncomfortable. He closes the door.

“Annelie, I cleared this time for us, but it seems an emergency has come up.”

“That’s fine.” I’m glad to be able to get away from the awkward conversation that was sure to follow. Probably something along the lines of patient-doctor boundaries that were required in situations such as this. “I want to get the seedlings planted today anyway.”

He grabs the plate of sugar cookies. “Don’t forget these.” The smile he gives me has not lost any of its warmth. He must not be as uncomfortable as I thought.

I carry the plate back up the stairs to my floor and eat one more cookie before they all pounce on me, leaving an empty plate before Bathilda can take it away.

“Where did you get these?” she barks.

“Dr. Evert,” was enough of a response.

She sputters for a moment but hugs the plate to her chest. “Tell him that plates are very dangerous. They can be broken and used for cutting.”

“I’ll be sure to tell him.” Over Bathilda’s shoulder, I spy a visitor in the great room. I walk away from Bathilda to discover that it’s Odelia’s husband and, to even more surprise, she’s actually sitting across from him.

Gitta shuffles out cards for another game of solitaire two tables over from them, but I can tell she’s been listening.

I whisper to her, “I’m surprised she’s visiting with him.”

She leans closer to me as she makes seven piles of cards. “She’s barely talking to him, though. He’s been blabbering on about what he’s been doing these last few weeks.”

I look over my shoulder to Odelia staring out above his head as he runs on and on. “—and you wouldn’t believe the state of the house after you’ve left. I can’t get anyone to clean it as well as you. The garden’s a mess and the bedrooms—”

Suddenly she whips her head around with venom. “Bedrooms, Gustav! How can you even stay in that house alone, with their things all around? Their bedrooms, still just as they’ve left it.” She stands with her fists clenched on the table. “Why aren’t you here too? Didn’t you care about your children at all?”

He braces himself back in his chair with a clear concern that she might dart at him. Frieda runs from the desk to stand behind her in case she should. Gustav pinches his thin lips tight as she waits for him to answer.

“Of course I miss them. Just because I haven’t fallen apart doesn’t mean that I’m not grieving as well. We have to live our life.”

“They were our babies. They were my life! I gave everything to them, and now that they’re gone, there is nothing left.” She pounds her fists on the table, and Frieda braces her and pulls her away from the table. She screams as she’s dragged into her room. “Your life should be over too!”

Odelia’s sobs are heard through the thick door. The rest of the room is frozen, watching Gustav. Gustav turns around to me. “You.”

I point to my chest, unsure if he means me or Gitta. He nods and waves me over to his table. I get up slowly, wondering what he might want from me.

“You’re friends with Odelia, yes?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think you could give this letter to her?” He pulls out a heavy envelope. There must be pages upon pages in there. “Every time I come here, I seem to say the wrong things. This letter explains things better. Can you try to get her to read it?”

It’s hard to see the Captain in such a diminished state. He’s usually a character of such strength, but now he looks like a punished child.

“I will do my best.” I tuck it away before Bathilda notices.

He reaches a strong arm out to catch me before I go. I catch sight of that familiar scar running from his wrist up past his well-ironed cuff. “I’m sorry I reacted the way I did when you stopped me on the street. I didn’t know you were…sick.”

“No, I’m the one who should be sorry. I don’t know why I thought you would recognize me.”

His slate eyes narrow upon me. “The odd thing is that I do feel like I’ve seen you before.” He swallows back an inverted belch. “Maybe we go to the same church?”

I shake my head. “We don’t go to church.”

“Why did you call me that name…Molly?”

Here it goes. “That was your name in your last life.”

He smirks. “Are you telling me I was a woman?”

“Molly wasn’t your typical woman. She ran a brothel like any shrewd businessman could.”

“A Madame.” He’s actually enjoying this all. “I’m sure Odelia would agree with that connection.” He crosses his arms but asks, “And how did I know you, in our last life?” The smirk just won’t ease.

“I worked for you…as a dancer in a saloon. We lived in America, in Kansas City.”

He chuckles. “Odelia must have told you that I love the American westerns. That’s how you know that.”

“Odelia doesn’t talk about you at all, actually.”

The smirk finally falls from his face. “She used to care about me.” He gets up to look out the window. “I’ve not only lost two sweet babies, but I’ve lost my wife as well.” He sucks back any sign of tears. “She’s all I have left. I can’t give up on her. I will do all I can to save her.”

“I think she is getting better,” is all I can offer him.

“What a beautiful garden that is.” He points. “Down below there.”

I stand beside him and wonder what he sees since I only see neatly planted rows and cuttings tied to stakes. “That’s our garden. All the patients on this floor have created it from nothing. But it’s just starting to grow.”

“No, I can tell it will be glorious.” He looks down proudly. “Odelia grows the finest roses. I feel so much better knowing she’s getting outside.” He turns back to the room and shivers. “As charming as this room is.” He rolls back on his hat and drapes his fine coat on his arm. “Don’t forget the letter.”

“I won’t.”