Out of Body
A girl in her underwear sat cross-legged on the carpet, her head hanging down between her slumped shoulders. Everything about this girl was fascinating: the way her skin folded in the creases of her bent knees and elbows, her rib cage rising and falling with her breath, the curve of her belly and breasts, the thickening of skin on the soles of her feet, the lines of her limbs, torso, and neck. The blood pulsing through her veins made her fair, almost translucent skin appear marbleized. There was so much to see.
It was possible to zoom in on one of the girl’s closed eyelids until her eyelashes resembled a network of massive black bridges that curved over a far horizon. But why stop there? Tunneling further down to a cavernous follicle at the base of a single lash, there was a cluster of microscopic mites. They had long, sectioned, eight-legged bodies covered with blue scales. One mite was half submerged inside the follicle, feeding, while the others huddled in the shadow of the giant eyelash, avoiding the moonlight. The mites had a hissing focus on mating and territory. Although their language was alien, their joys, rivalries and fierce protectiveness of their young were palpable. Was it possible to zoom in further onto their armored skin and discover even more layers of life? Where would it end? Was there an end? Ha! It was like the what-if game.
Wait. The what-if game? In a great swoosh of images and sensations, the memories came of her and Freddy as kids, lying on the slant of roof outside her bedroom window. That’s right! She had an identity. She was Anna Fagan, also known as Goblin Girl. What was she doing staring at a bunch of microscopic mites on someone’s eyelash? Her awareness expanded outward in great swaths of rushing space, further and further from the mites to the cluster of giant bridge-like eyelashes, until she once again hovered above the body of the girl. A realization rippled through Anna—the girl on the floor was her.
Anna was floating above her physical body, yet she still had a body, kind of, made of soft lavender light. She lifted her hand and examined the luminous quality of her “skin.” It was blissful, this freedom from her body’s cumbersome weight, cravings and aches, liked she’d sloughed off an uncomfortable costume. But why wasn’t she freaking out? Instead, she was serene but intensely curious, almost aggressively curious—like how she imagined a large, burly man might feel, at ease in every instance, as if fearlessness was a birthright.
From outside came a sharp sound—a burst of excited affection. An unmistakable bark. Penelope!
Anna shot through the roof in a blur of dark wood and pink insulation. She hovered high over the tree line, below her a quilt of houses and streets. The pale bulbous tank of a water tower loomed in the east. Anna floated in the air, enveloped by the most beautiful music she’d ever heard. The melodic whispering of the pine needles was now a grand, complex orchestra. The music flowed through her light-body, caressing her. Who knew such a beautiful sound was even possible? And she was part of it, that symphony, a clear note, distinct and essential to the arrangement. She could have stayed there forever, an obedient and content musician. But then another bark caught her attention. That’s right! Penelope!
Penelope, in a body of faint purple light, stood in the backyard where her doghouse used to be, her tail slicing through the air. Anna dropped toward the lawn and descended into soil alive with languid worms and roots sucking water from the earth. The sounds and sights were fascinating, but she needed to be above ground. Pop. She was in a forest of grass. Each blade sparkled with energy and a sound like the gentle chords of a violin, fluid and soothing.
She floated several feet above the lawn just as Peeps jumped into the air to meet her. They blew into each other, intermingling their purple light bodies. Anna felt Penelope’s buoyant love for her and the dog’s exasperation over Anna’s grief. She laughed with relief. She’d been so silly. Penelope was fine. Penelope was perfect! They stayed together, playing and cuddling their light bodies, until a squirrel ran down the trunk of a nearby tree. Penelope scampered after it and then darted away in a blur, chasing something unseen through a neighbor’s backyard.
Peeps was clearly adept at maneuvering in this astral realm. Anna, however, needed practice. Now the only question was, who would she visit first, Dor or Freddy? She was closer to Dor’s, so maybe she should—Pop.
Whoa. There were walls around her, a drastic change of light, air and color. She was indoors. Disorientated, Anna spun around, although it was unnecessary. She could see in every direction at once with no body (or eyes) to narrow her field of vision. Anna was in Dor’s bedroom. Doreen sat on her bed, a pill bottle in her hands, her eyes swollen from too many tears. Alarm rippled through Anna’s light-body. Doreen was smoldering. Puffs of smoke rose from her friend’s head and chest. Anna hovered in front of Dor’s face and called her name, but Dor couldn’t see or hear her. I’m a ghost, Anna thought. An earthbound soul outside my body. She tried to touch Doreen, but Anna’s translucent “hand” traveled right through her friend’s arm. A puff of smoke penetrated Anna’s light-body, and she was engulfed by despair and hopelessness. It wasn’t smoke but pain that billowed from her friend. Without a barrier between them, Anna felt the full brunt of Doreen’s powerful negative emotions. A part of Anna wanted to pop away from Doreen’s suffering but she stayed put, wanting to help but not knowing how. Dor, what happened?
A screech came from downstairs. “Reenie!” It was Doreen’s mom, Cindy. “Get my pills!”
Doreen yelled toward the open door. “I already gave them to you!”
Pop. Downstairs in Doreen’s living room, Cindy’s face was scarlet. Veins bulged in her temples and neck as she sank back into the couch. The living room was thick with portal spew. A murky gray mist shot up through the couch and scattered into the air. Anna popped under the couch just as fresh blood seeped from the cushion to the floor; it joined a pool of dried and drying blood in the center of an electromagnetic hair ball underneath the couch. Anna could see portals! As surprising at that was, she kept her focus on Doreen’s mom. Cindy was infected in more ways than one. The blood must be oozing from the surgical wound on Cindy’s back.
Anna popped out from under the couch and hovered above Cindy. Gray mist shot up through Cindy’s body and then rained back down on her like nuclear fallout. The portal mist was harmless to Anna while out of body, but the puffs of rage and pain emanating from Cindy went through her light-body like barbed wire. Anna grit her teeth as the intensity of Cindy’s self-loathing washed through her.
“Did you hear what I said? Get the goddamn pills! All of them!” Cindy bellowed.
Anna retreated to the corner of the living room, wanting to be far from Cindy and her pain.
“You useless little bitch,” Cindy hissed. “I wish I never had you!”
Remorse rippled through Anna. Dor had been dealing with this alone because Anna was too absorbed in her own self-pity to give a damn. She’d always leaned on Dor and given little back, even before the portals. Going out of body was about more than trying to find her mother, Anna could see that now. Her own failings were being revealed.
Doreen walked into the living room from the stairs, her face a ghost of innocence, pain ballooning out of her. She approached the couch and looked down at her mother.
“I won’t do it.”
“It's over,” Cindy said. “There’s nothing left for me.”
“What about me?” Doreen asked.
“You are your father’s problem now.”
“I'm going to call somebody,” Doreen said, her voice cracking.
“Call them after,” Cindy said. “You ruined my life. You know that, don’t you? You are going to do this for me. This one goddamn thing!”
Defeated, Doreen walked into the kitchen. Anna followed, watching helplessly as Doreen placed the pill bottle on the countertop, the pain coming off her in a thick fog of energetic sludge. Doreen opened a cabinet, took out a ceramic bowl and masher, and placed them on the counter. She tipped the pill bottle, and three white pills made soft clinks as they fell inside the bowl. The bottle tipped again and four more pills clinked.
No. Anna surrounded Dor with her light-body, wrapped it around and through her friend. Dor, you gotta wait for me. I’m coming. But Doreen couldn’t hear her. The intensity of Doreen’s pain was too heavy for Anna to bear much longer. She concentrated on looking through the clouds of pain to the skin on Doreen’s neck. There was a slight crackle, an electrical charge, coming from Doreen’s skin. Anna drew from it, inhaling it with her light-body, and then she screamed, IT’S ME, IT’S ANNA. HOLD ON, DOR, I’M COMING.
Doreen jumped back from the counter, slapping at herself as if she’d walked through a cobweb. The bowl fell off the counter, cracking in two, and white pills scattered across the floor. Anna rose to the ceiling, exhausted from her efforts. Doreen ran out of the kitchen and up the stairs, ignoring her mother’s vicious barbs. Her bedroom door slammed.
Anna floated near the refrigerator, gathering her strength. She’d made contact with Doreen, scared the bejeezus out of her in the process; but her friend had snapped out of her dark trance, safe for the moment.
To do any more for Dor and Cindy, Anna needed to get back inside her own body. As soon as she did, she’d go to Freddy’s, and the two of them would—pop.
Freddy slept in his bed. Anna had popped into his bedroom without meaning to. This out-of-body thing really took some getting used to. She drifted over him, basking in the moon rays from his window as they passed through her light-body. She could look at him now without the strange charge between them that had kept their eye contact short over the last year. His hands were clasped on his stomach, rising and falling with his long breaths. His eyes moved back and forth under his closed lids. Freddy was dreaming. Anna dropped closer to him and saw gray mist dampening the glow of his skin.
Anna spun, looking for the portal. It was in the back of the closet, a tangle of electromagnetic wires whipping out the vile mist. So there was a portal in Freddy’s room. The demon must have been there, masquerading as Bloomtown’s friendly real estate agent. Damn it. Freddy had said something about his mom renting out his room. Why didn’t she pay attention?
Anna scanned the room, searching for more portals. But there was nothing, only Freddy’s bookshelves casting long moon shadows on the floor. Frightened, Anna flew to the ceiling. They were only shadows, but they reminded her of something.
The dream. The nightmare about everyone she loved burning alive at the picnic table, their shadows stretching toward her as if they were entities unto themselves, desperate to grab her. Anna felt her light-body contract and expand as she made the connection. The dream was her intuition’s way of trying to tell her something important, trying to grab her attention. Shadows stretching, unnaturally long and skinny. What did it mean?
Of course. A shadow person was in the Fagan house on the morning that Saul made an unannounced visit. Anna had spit holy water on it accidentally and it evaporated. Something about that small incident nagged at her. But what was it? She’d think about it. Right now, getting Freddy out of his room and away from the portal was more important. Anna had to wake him up somehow, get inside his head. Pop.
An alien landscape lay below her, a pale, spongy earth. Crisscrossing over the strange terrain were narrow scarlet roadways and dark purple superhighways. A new world for her to explore! But wasn’t she supposed to be doing something? That’s right, she was in Freddy’s room. She had been trying to get—into his head. Anna was looking at Freddy’s brain.
Pop. She hovered over Freddy’s sleeping body once more. There had to be another way to reach him. And then she saw it—Freddy’s light-body was barely visible, but it was there, a centimeter or two above his physical body in faint lavender. Anna lowered herself toward Freddy, close enough to kiss him. And then without thinking about it, she did kiss him, sinking her lavender light lips into his. The warm sweet thrill of it made her light-body glow brighter as the Freddy Smell filled her ethereal senses. Freddy, where are you? Pop.
The main floor of the Bloomtown Shopping Center retreated below her. Anna was riding up an escalator to the second-floor food court. Freddy stood a few grated metal steps ahead of her, his back to her, one hand touching his mouth, wearing his baggy jeans and NASA sweatshirt. Anna walked up the escalator until she was right behind him.
“Exciting dream,” she said. “What’s next, Target?”
Freddy glanced over his shoulder, his arm falling to his side, and then went back to staring straight ahead. Maybe he couldn’t see her? But then his hand went to his hair, smoothing his unruly curls. He saw her.
“Can you hear me?” Anna asked.
“Duh,” Freddy said, still not looking at her.
The generic mall music droned on, but the mall itself evaporated along with the merged smell of cinnamon buns, French fries and pizza. They were now riding an unsupported escalator up into the cosmos, surrounded by the black vacuum of endless space sprinkled with the light of countless stars.
“Where are you going?” Anna asked.
Freddy pointed above his head and Anna craned her neck back, following his finger. There was a huge zig-zag crack in the space-fabric of the universe. A brilliant whiteness lay behind it. She gasped, instantly filled with yearning. For a moment Anna was willing to let it all go, Doreen, Freddy, Jack, her mother, everything and fly into that light like Mary’s spirit had years ago. But instead she said, “I'd miss you.”
“You wouldn't even notice.” Freddy’s voice was full of hurt, old and unacknowledged.
“I don't deserve you, do I? You and Dor.”
Freddy was silent.
“Dor’s in trouble. It’s bad,” Anna said.
He finally turned to her, his brow crinkling. “What’s wrong with Dor?”
“She needs our help. You have to wake up.”
There was a grinding sound of protesting metal as the escalator creaked to a stop and changed direction, heading downward. The cosmos began to waver like a heat mirage around them. Anna looked back up at the crack in the universe, unable to stop the tide of grief. Everyone wants to go home. Everyone.
“Do you think that’s where my mom is?” Anna asked.
Freddy shrugged. “I can never quite get up there.”
But maybe Anna could. She had popped into Freddy’s dream, hadn’t she? This could be it, her chance to find her mother, to travel into the very heart of Source.
“Are you up there?” Her voice echoed up through space. “Mom, where are you?”
Pop.
Anna hovered above a single story house with vibrant, chipping paint. It was dark, but she could see a worn soccer ball in the yard with a logo on it. She dropped toward it and read the lettering. Federation Mexicana De Futbol. Anna popped into the house, inside a small bedroom. There were paintings of butterflies on the wall, crude and childlike, but cheerful. A tiny brown dog in the corner of the room jumped up from its bed and bared its teeth at her. Anna was apparently visible to dogs, both living and dead. On the bed, a small body stirred under the sheet.
“Silencio,” said the sleepy voice of a child.
Anna knew enough Spanish to understand. Be quiet. But the dog kept on yapping as dogs do. The bed covers were ripped down by a girl, about eight years old, with round brown eyes and short dark hair. The girl sat up, clearly annoyed at the unwanted wakeup call, and gave the dog some serious stink eye.
“Silencio!”
The dog’s barking dwindled to a chastened whine, and Anna floated over the bed to get a better look at the kid flopping back on her mattress. Within moments, the girl was drifting through the gap between wake and sleep, where the veil between the worlds is thin. The girl’s body sagged, her eyelids fluttering shut, and then she looked up at Anna. The child’s eyes, strangely familiar, grew large with shock and fear. The girl could see Anna’s light-body floating above her. But then she tilted her head, her features relaxing, and spoke in perfect English, “Sweet Pea?”
A tsunami of shock rushed out from Anna’s light-body. It traveled through the room making the butterfly paintings appear to shimmer and dance. Anna knew those eyes! The girl snuggled back under her sheet, her mouth slack, her eyes shut. Anna, on the other hand, had never been more wide-awake. She now understood why Jack had been unable to contact her mother’s spirit, why her mother had never answered Anna’s pleas. Her mother wasn’t in the spirit world. Helen Fagan’s spirit had been reborn. Her mother wasn’t being tortured by the demon who took her life. Helen Fagan was alive.
From the center of Anna’s immense relief came a piercing regret. She had been blaming Jack all this time, but he was innocent. If only she could go back in time.
Pop.
Anna was home, hovering above her father. He sat at the kitchen table, puffs of exhaustion, stress and grief rising off of him. But his dark hair wasn’t speckled with gray and the skin around his eyes was smooth. He was younger than he should be. Anna was in the past. She was a freaking time traveler. The wealth of visible floor space was disorientating. Jack’s hoarding, which had started almost as soon as Helen died, was still manageable. Her father was sprinkling salt into a bowl of water. Jack was making holy water, his lips moving in prayer, “Wherever this salt falls shall be free from the attacks of malicious entities—”
There was a high-pitched scream. Anna floated after Jack as he rushed out of the kitchen and up the stairs to Anna’s bedroom, knowing what she would see. But it was still a shock to be confronted with her younger self sitting up in bed, her Dora the Explorer pajamas damp with sweat. Anna had nightmares every night for two years after her mother’s death, and Jack was there every time she woke up screaming.
All these years, she’d punished him for breaking his promise to contact her mother’s spirit. A promise that it was now clear was impossible for him to keep. Yet they had survived, battered and certainly worse for wear, but still together. And now the portals were unraveling what was left of their fragile lives. It wasn’t fair after all they had lost. Grief permeated her light-body. Anna let the emotion wash through her. It was just energy, moving. She set her intention on connecting with the larger, wiser part of herself. Why did this happen to us?
Pop.
Anna floated near her kitchen ceiling. She’d gone forward in time but hadn’t quite reached the present. It was the morning that Saul had stopped by to talk to Jack about opening the new office. She observed herself entering the kitchen and saw Jack introduce her to Saul. She’d never seen the top of her head before. It was odd, like looking at someone else. Anna watched her distracted self accidentally pour a glass of holy water. The shadow person entered the kitchen, and Anna’s past-self spit out the holy water, spraying both Saul and the shadow person, who instantly vanished.
“Why is there holy water in the fridge? It tastes weird,” she heard herself say.
Saul stood and closed his jacket, quickly hiding the water stains. There was an urgency in Saul’s movements that Anna hadn’t noticed that morning. It was how he closed his jacket after the holy water hit him; the way his jaw clenched as his fingers fumbled for the buttons. Saul was hiding something. Anna zoomed in on his shirt and saw the dark stains spreading across the wet fabric, saw his flesh pucker and molt through a tiny gap between the buttons.
And then Anna knew. Saul wasn’t controlled and tortured by an evil energy vampire. It was the holy water that had caused Saul’s chest wounds. It was Saul that was evil, entirely so. Anna zoomed in on Saul’s face.
“Where are you now, you lying shit?”
Pop.
It was reading the Bloomtown Examiner in its sparse living room, legs crossed, khakis pressed, crisp button-down shirt. It looked right at her, seeing her, its skin swimming over an underlying swirling darkness. The Saul-thing bared his teeth in a vile, tongue-flickering grin that Anna hadn’t seen in eight years.
“Hello, maggot,” it said.
And then a loud sucking sound, a horrible wheezing and only blackness.