Enter CURCULIO, with a ring, from the house of PHÆDROMUS.
CURCULIO
I’ve heard that an ancient Poet wrote in a Tragedy, that two women are worse than one; such is the fact. But a more crafty woman than is this mistress of Phædromus, I never saw or heard of, nor, i’ faith, can one be spoken of or imagined; she, as soon as ever she saw that I had got this ring, asked me whence I got it. “Why do you ask that?” said I. “Because I’ve need to know,” said she. I said I wouldn’t tell her. To get it away, she seized hold of my hand with her teeth. With much ado I betook me out of doors, and made my escape. Away with this slut.
Enter PLANESIUM, followed by PHÆDROMUS, from his house.
PLANESIUM
My Phædromus, make haste.
PHÆD.
Make haste for what?
PLANESIUM
That you mayn’t let the Parasite escape; the affair’s of consequence.
PHÆD.
Nothing have I of consequence; for what I did have I quickly made away with? Seizes CURCULIO. I’ve got him; what’s the matter?
PLANESIUM
Ask him whence he got that ring: my father used to wear it.
CURCULIO
Why, troth, and so did my aunt.
PLANESIUM
My mother gave it him to wear.
CURCULIO
And your father, in his turn, to me.
PLANESIUM
You are talking nonsense.
CURCULIO
I’m in the habit; for by reason of it I make a livelihood the more easily. What is the matter now?
PLANESIUM
I entreat you, don’t be keeping me from finding my parents.
CURCULIO
How can I? Have I got your father and mother hidden beneath the stone? Holding up the ring.
PLANESIUM
I was born a free woman.
CURCULIO
And so were many others, who are now in servitude.
PLANESIUM
Really now, I’m vexed.
CURCULIO
For my part, I’ve told you how this came into my possession. How often must you be told? I cheated the Captain at dice, I tell you. THERAPONTIGONUS.
THERAPONTIGONUS
eyeing CURCULIO . I’m all right; see, here he is whom I was looking for. How do you do, good sir?
CURCULIO
I hear you; three casts of the dice, if you like, even for that scarf of yours.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Why don’t you go to very perdition, with your casts and catch-pennies? Either give me back the money or the young woman?
CURCULIO
with an air of surprise . What money? what rubbish are you talking about to me? What young woman are you demanding back of me? THER. The one that you took away this day from the Procurer, you scoundrelly fellow.
CURCULIO
I took none away.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Why, surely, I see her. There she is. Pointing to PLANESIUM.
PHÆD.
This young woman is free.
THERAPONTIGONUS
What, my female slave free, to whom I have never given her liberty?
PHÆD.
Who gave you possession of her, or of whom did you buy her? Let me know that?
THERAPONTIGONUS
Why, I paid the money for her through my banker — a sum which I’ll have refunded to me fourfold by you and the Procurer.
PHÆD.
You, who understand how to traffic in young women, kidnapped and of free birth, come you before the judge.
THERAPONTIGONUS
I shan’t come.
PHÆD.
I may call my witness to the summons.
THERAPONTIGONUS
No, you mayn’t.
PHÆD.
May Jupiter then utterly confound you: live without witnesses then.
CURCULIO
But I’m a person that he may summon.
PHÆD.
to CURCULIO . Do you step this way.
THERAPONTIGONUS
What? A slave summoned as a witness? Take you care.
CURCULIO
Well, that you may know it, I’m free.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Then come before the judge. There’s for you: take that. Gives him a blow.
CURCULIO
O townsmen, townsmen, help.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Why do you bawl so?
PHÆD.
What right have you to strike him?
THERAPONTIGONUS
Because I choose.
PHÆD.
to CURCULIO . Step this way you pushes him towards the CAPTAIN ; there, I’ll give him up to you. Hold your noise.
CURCULIO
Phædromus, prithee do save me.
PHÆD.
As I would myself and my own good Genius. Captain, prithee, do tell me whence you got that ring, which this Parasite purloined from you.
PLANESIUM
kneeling before the CAPTAIN . By your knees, I do entreat you to give us that information.
THERAPONTIGONUS
What matters that to you? You might as well ask after this sabre and this scarf, how each came into my possession.
CURCULIO
What airs the swaggerer does give himself!
THERAPONTIGONUS
Send that fellow away pointing to CURCULIO ; then I’ll tell you all.
CURCULIO
It’s nonsense what he says.
PHÆD.
Prithee, do let me know.
THERAPONTIGONUS
I’ll tell you: to PLANESIUM get up. Listen to this matter, and give attention. My father Periphanes used to wear it.
PLANESIUM
Ha! Periphanes?
THERAPONTIGONUS
He, before he died, gave it to me as being his son, as it was right he should.
PLANESIUM
O Jupiter!
THERAPONTIGONUS
And on that occasion he made me his heir.
PLANESIUM
O filial affection, do thou preserve me, since I have carefully preserved thee. Welcome, my brother.
THERAPONTIGONUS
How am I to believe that? Tell me, if you are speaking the truth, who was your mother?
PLANESIUM
Cleobula.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Who was your nurse?
PLANESIUM
Archestrata. Amid the sacred rites of Bacchus she had carried me to see the sights * * * * * * * after we had come thither, when now she had found me a place, a whirlwind arose; the scaffolding of the stage there tumbled down; I was greatly alarmed, and then some one, I know not who, seized hold of me trembling and frightened, neither alive nor dead; and in what manner he carried me off I cannot say.
THERAPONTIGONUS
I recollect that disturbance happening; but, do you tell me, where is this person, who carried you away?
PLANESIUM
I know not; but showing a ring this ring I have all along preserved by me, with it long since was I lost.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Give it me to look at.
CURCULIO
to PLANESIUM . Are you in your senses to be trusting it to that fellow? Holds her arm.
PLANESIUM
Do you only leave me alone. (She gives it to the CAPTAIN.)
THERAPONTIGONUS
examining it . O Jupiter! This is the same that I presented you upon your birthday; I recognize it as easily as my own self. Welcome to you, my sister.
PLANESIUM
My brother, welcome to you.
PHÆD.
I trust the Gods will prosper this matter for you.
CURCULIO
And I, for all of us. To the CAPTAIN. Do you, as having this day arrived, give a dinner in honor of your sister he pointing to PHÆDROMUS , to-morrow, will give one in honor of his marriage; we promise that.
PIÆD.
to CURCULIO . Do you hold your tongue.
CURCULIO
I shan’t hold my tongue, as things are turning out so well. Captain, do you promise her to him; I’ll give the marriage-portion.
THERAPONTIGONUS
What is the marriage-portion?
CURCULIO
What, that I give? Why, that always as long as he lives he’s to feed me.
THERAPONTIGONUS
I’ troth, he says what’s fair; with my consent you shall do so. But this Procurer owes me the thirty minæ.
PHÆD.
For what reason so?
THERAPONTIGONUS
Because he agreed with me on these terms to give it back: that if any one should assert her to be free born in due course of law, he would, without dispute, pay back all the money.
CURCULIO
Then let’s go to the Procurer.
THERAPONTIGONUS
I agree.
PHÆD.
This first I wish; to despatch my matter.
THERAPONTIGONUS
What’s that?
PHÆD.
That you will betroth her to me. The CAPTAIN considers.
CURCULIO
Why do you hesitate, Captain, to give her as a wife to him?
THERAPONTIGONUS
If she is agreable.
PLANESIUM
My brother, it is my wish.
THERAPONTIGONUS
So be it then.
CURCULIO
You do rightly.
PHÆD.
Captain, do you betroth me to her for my wife?
THERAPONTIGONUS
I do betroth her.
PHÆD.
pointing to CURCULIO . And to him do I promise support at my expense.
CURCULIO
You do kindly. But * * * * * * * *
THER,
* * * * * But see, here’s the Procurer coming; my treasurer, I mean.
Enter CAPPADOX, in haste.
CAPPADOX
to himself . Those who say it’s bad for bankers to be trusted, utter nonsense; I say it’s neither good nor bad for them to be trusted, and that, I’ve fully experienced this day. They are not badly trusted, who never repay, but with whom it is lost outright. As for example, before this Lyco paid me the ten minæ, he had to go to every banker’s counter. After there were no proceeds, I summoned the fellow with much noise; he appealed against me to the court. I was most confoundedly afraid that this day he’d be settling accounts with me before the Prætor; but my friends forced him, so he paid the money at home. Now I’m resolved to make haste to my house. Runs towards his door.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Hallo! you Procurer; I want you.
PHÆD.
And I want you.
CAPPADOX
But I don’t want either of you.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Stay this instant, will you.
PHÆD.
And make you haste to disgorge the money with all despatch.
CAPPADOX
to PHÆDROMUS . What have you to do with me? To the CAPTAIN. Or what have you?
THERAPONTIGONUS
Because this day I shall be making a javelin of you, discharged from a catapulta, and twist you with the string, just as the catapultas are in the habit of doing.
PHÆD.
I’ll this day make a coxcomb of you, to be sleeping with a puppy in your bed — an iron one, I mean.
CAPPADOX
But I’ll make you both to be rotting in a strong-barred prison.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Seize him by the throat, and away with him to extreme torture.
PHÆD.
However that is, he’ll be going there of his own accord. The CAPTAIN seizes him.
CAPPADOX
O Gods and men, your aid! that I, uncondemned, and without evidence against me, should thus be dragged along! Prithee, Planesium, and you, Phædromus, do give me assistance.
PLANESIUM
Brother, I do beseech you, don’t ruin him uncondemned; he treated me kindly and modestly at his house.
THERAPONTIGONUS
That was through no inclination of his own; give you thanks to this Æsculapius pointing to the Temple that you’ve preserved your chastity; for if he had been well, he’d long ago have packed you off wherever he could.
PHÆD.
Now attend to me, both of you, if I can arrange between you. To the CAPTAIN. You let him go. Procurer, come you this way. I’ll pronounce my opinion, if indeed you are ready to abide by what I shall decide you should do.
THERAPONTIGONUS
We leaves it to you. He lets go of the PROCURER.
CAPPADOX
So long, i’ faith, as you give a decision to the effect that no one is to take the money away from me.
THERAPONTIGONUS
What, not that which you promised?
CAPPADOX
I, promised? How?
THERAPONTIGONUS
With your tongue.
CAPPADOX
With that same tongue I now gainsay it; that was given me by Nature for the purpose of speaking, not of losing my property.
THERAPONTIGONUS
He’s trifling; seize the fellow by the throat. Seizes him. CAP. I’ll at once then do as you bid me.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Since you are an honest man, answer me this that I ask you.
CAPPADOX
Ask me what you please.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Did you not promise, that if any one should show that she pointing to PLANESIUM was freeborn, you would pay back all the money?
CAPPADOX
I don’t remember saying so.
THERAPONTIGONUS
What, do you deny it?
CAPPADOX
I’ faith, I really do deny it. In whose presence? In what place was it?
THERAPONTIGONUS
In my own presence, and that of Lyco the banker.
CAPPADOX
Why don’t you hold your tongue?
THERAPONTIGONUS
I shan’t hold my tongue.
CAPPADOX
I don’t care a rush for you; don’t be bullying me.
THERAPONTIGONUS
In my own presence and that of Lyco it took place.
PHÆD.
to the CAPTAIN . I quite believe you. Now, therefore, Procurer, that you may know my judgment, pointing to PLANESIUM she is a free woman; he pointing to the CAPTAIN is her brother, and she is his sister; she is engaged to me; do you restore him the money; that’s my decision.
CAPPADOX
Upon my faith, Phædromus, you have given this decision corruptly. It shall both be bad for you, and you, Captain, — may the Gods and Goddesses confound you.
THERAPONTIGONUS
And as for you, you shall be clapt in prison at once, unless the money’s returned me.
CAPPADOX
Then follow me.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Follow you where?
CAPPADOX
To my banker — to the Prætor; for it’s there that I pay my money to all persons to whom I’m indebted.
THERAPONTIGONUS
I’ll be carrying you hence to prison, and not to the Prætor, if you don’t pay back the money.
CAPPADOX
I do most earnestly wish you may come to a bad end, so don’t misunderstand me.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Do you really so?
CAPPADOX
I’ faith, I really do so.
THERAPONTIGONUS
I don’t misunderstand these fists of mine. Holding them up.
CAPPADOX
What then?
THERAPONTIGONUS
What then, do you ask? With these same fists, if you provoke me, I’ll be making you quiet immediately.
CAPPADOX
taking the money from his girdle . Well then, take this back at once.
THERAPONTIGONUS
taking the money . By all means.
PHÆD.
Captain, you’ll dine with me; the nuptials shall take place to-day.
THERAPONTIGONUS
May this matter turn out well for me and for yourselves.
An ACTOR.
Spectators, give us your applause.