The cops had taken my information and made sure Lil picked me up. They asked me nothing besides my most basic information and let me know I had to make myself available for questioning the next day. They came to my house in the morning, gently asking the most painful questions, breaking my heart with every word.
I’d cleaned every corner of my house except Gabby’s room. I stayed up all night, eyes glued to the television and internet. Whatever was happening with Jonathan, it had been either unworthy of media attention or kept under a dark, wet blanket.
I had called Geraldine Stark to thank her for letting us know about Kevin. She should have told us right away, before Darren had to call randomly, but she treated the whole thing like squeaky gossip. I made excuses and hung up. I called Darren. He was with Adam and couldn’t talk. I didn’t tell him about Jonathan. It would have taken forever to explain that I knew nothing.
I could not have imagined more tortuous days between watching him get into the squad car and getting his text.
—Where are you?—
I’d grasped the phone, letting half the tension in my body drop out of me and onto the kitchen floor.
—Home—
I was frozen in place, looking at the ellipsis at the bottom of the screen that meant he was typing. The shelves from my fridge were dripping soap, forgotten in the sink.
—Can you play?—
Initially, my biggest fear had been that I was somehow responsible for the accusation of domestic violence. That someone had heard about us, or seen my bruises at the Eclipse show. Or that maybe Kevin had gotten a word in edgewise at the border. Because who else had he been with? Who else had he hurt?
—Fuck you—
—Be here at 11:23, exactly—
But then the police had gently questioned me. No cold room. No good cop, bad cop. Two female officers spoke in a soft voices and told me they’d protect me from the man I loved and the sex I craved. They told me Jessica had come to them for an order of protection with photos proving he’d abused her during sex. Her reputation as someone who wanted nothing to do with Jonathan’s kinky side indicated she’d been the unwilling victim of abuse and possibly rape.
I had gotten through the interview by using my customer service smile, but inside, I boiled.
—You missed the fuck you part—
—No, I saw it—
At 11:22 a.m., I had sat outside his gate in my car, waiting for the time on my phone to flip. I didn’t know what the exactness of the time was about. I felt as if he was taking a slice of control and connection in a situation where he felt he had none.
I didn’t believe he’d raped her, because I knew him. I didn’t believe he’d struck her without consent for the same reason. I was livid because during the time we’d been separated, he’d been so broken up about me he fucked around with, who else? Jessica.
At the same time, for two days, I had missed him. I worried about him. I didn’t sleep enough. I went to dinner with friends but barely ate. I checked my phone so often, Yvonne had snapped it off the table and pocketed it. When he finally did text, I felt relief, and rage, and at the sight of the word play, I felt rushing need between my legs that only he could release.
After he took full control of my resistant body, yanking an orgasm out of me, he picked me up and got me standing. I touched the hem of my skirt, but he moved my hands away.
“What now, Jonathan?” I was emotionally frustrated, sexually satisfied, and physically exhausted.
“Let me,” he said, kneeling in front of me. He held out the empty leg of my panties, and I stepped into them.
“You hurt me. And you cheated.”
“Hurting you isn’t my fault. It’s Jessica’s. And the second isn’t true.” He slid my panties back up my legs, running his fingers under them to get them in the right place.
“It doesn’t matter that we broke up,” I said.
“Yes, it would, if I’d done anything.” He pulled down my skirt, caressing my ass, my thighs, and my knees as if they were precious. “She came here the day I saw you at the Stock. Debbie said you’d moved on, and I was upset.”
“She said that? It wasn’t true.”
He looked up at me, his hands on the backs of my thighs. “I know. Debbie’s a yenta. I should have known. But Jessica was here, and she goaded me. That’s not an excuse, but it’s what happened. She said she wanted to do it kinky just once, and even after I explained exactly what that meant, she pushed all my buttons.”
“So you fucked her.”
“No! Jesus, Monica.” He cupped my ass as if to make me understand. “I had her unbutton her shirt, and she still wanted it. So I bent her over the table and gave her three whacks with my belt. I’m not proud of it. But everyone’s clothes were on.”
“Do you understand how unlikely that story sounds?”
“Yes. But you’re the only one, Monica. The only one.”
“I don’t forgive you.”
But I did, and we both knew it. I looked down at him, with his tourmaline eyes and copper hair, and believed him despite my better judgment. I forgave him despite my misgivings. I loved him just because I did. My heart wasn’t sensible or guarded enough. Not by a sight. I was a walking raw nerve ending of emotion, as if the years I’d spent away from men and sex had made me more emotional, more vulnerable, more foolish. I ran my fingers through his hair, feeling like the victim of a crime of consent.
“Can you stay with me a few hours?” he asked.
“Let me clean up, then I’ll let you know.”