Dani was in the room seconds after me. She peeled me off the couch and held me while I cried. She didn’t let me go on long. “Now, that’s enough,” she said, shushing me. “Unless you’re physically hurt. Then you cry all you want while I relieve him of his balls.”
Dani knew exactly what say to break the tension. “No castration needed. Thanks, though.”
“So, what happened out there then? That was kind of a dramatic exit.”
“No. I’ve made a horrible mess of this. I should have broken it off. But, when I saw him...” I did my best to implore Dani with my eyes to understand that I want him, but he’s not good for me, but I can’t help myself feeling without having to actually say any of that out loud.
“Nessie.” Dani did a decent job of keeping the I told you so tone out of her voice and filling it with sympathy like only a twenty-five-year-long friend could.
Angelina slipped into the room and pressed her back against the door. “You are okay, mija?”
I nodded. She crossed the room, took my chin in her hands and looked straight though my eyes and into my pain and confusion. She searched and I let her see the truth there. Four heartbeats later, she nodded in reply and released me. “He is on the other side of that door, being held back from breaking into this little sanctuary by Dominic’s strong arm and Addy’s eye daggers.”
“I suppose I have to talk to him.” My heart screamed “no, a thousand times, no,” while my brain chastised it for being a wimp.
“Mija, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” Angelina crossed her arms and Dominic and Addy had competition in the protective hero line.
“True that,” Dani said.
“No, I to have to talk to him. I meant to do it before all this...” I waved my hand around the room, like the décor could explain the circumstances for me. The yellow wallpaper, with its formless pattern didn’t offer any help at all. “I’m done having my little hysterical breakdown. I’ll go out and take care of everything.”
“No, no. That won’t do. This is not a scene for onlookers. We will send him in here.”
How I wished I had Angelina’s strong demeanor. She did what she wanted to, when she wanted it. She was like a southern belle, but from south of the border. Best to channel her for this talk I was about to have with Cade. Nothing would bother me and I would say all the right things.
Yeah, right. Big breath. Think strong, confident, independent. “All right. I like that idea. Give me a minute to put myself back together and then send him in.”
Dani leaned forward and put her hand on my arm. “You want back up?”
“No, I don’t think this will take long. If I’m not out in a say, a half an hour, you can come in and get me. I’m going to need a drink after this.”
“You got it,” Dani said with enough conviction she sewed a little into me. Both women stood and walked out of the powder room, leaving me to either pull myself together or quickly find a way to climb up on the toilet and shimmy out the window. Nah. My butt wouldn’t fit through.
I took the minute I had to try and center myself and figure out what to say to Cade. I’d failed him in so many ways. He deserved an honest explanation.
“Vanessa?”
Cade stood in the doorway. His hands hung at his sides like a kid on stage for the first time who didn’t know what to do with overly gangly arms. I wanted to go to him, to re-assure him with my touch.
“Cade. I’m sorr—”
“I’m sorry, Vaness—”
If the situation weren’t so serious, I’d call jinx and tell him he owed me a coke. Instead, I curled further into the couch cushions taking any comfort I could find.
“Tell me where I failed you, Vanessa. I swear I didn’t mean to hurt you or cross any of your limits. But I honestly don’t know what happened.”
My stomach rebelled at the horrible defeated, scared tone in his voice. It was Catherine Wheel gut-wrenching. “I failed you, Cade. I safeworded.”
He shook his head. “You had every right to do it. That’s what it’s there for.”
I swallowed, needing to get rid of the tinny taste of deceit. Time to unleash the truth, no matter how much damage it would wreak. “But I didn’t use the safeword because I was in physical pain or that you pushed past my limits.”
“Then why?”
“Because, I was scared.”
“Scared of what? Me? I would never hurt you. You know that, right? You have to know that.” He took a step back, the monster trying to protect its victim. Only he wasn’t the monster, and I wasn’t the victim.
“Not scared of you.” I swallowed the pungent taste of guilt. “Of me. You always knew when I was getting close to my limits. I trust you completely with my body.” I’d never had a real fear or doubt that he would take care of me. Physically.
That statement took away a lot of his tension. His muscles relaxed, his breath came easier. He even sat down on the couch, not within touching distance, but close. He reached a hand out to me, palm up, asking if it was okay to come closer. “Then, I don’t understand.”
“I’m scared to trust anyone with my heart, Cade. You will hurt me there. You won’t mean to, but you will. And I can’t take that.” Nessie, the timid, finally showing her true colors. Push everyone away, don’t let anyone get too close. They’ll only make fun of you, reject you, play you, and ultimately, hurt you. It’s best to hurt them first, taking away their chance to strike and inflict pain.
Shock and awe. That was the emotions flashing across his face. Like the first time you see the devastation of a nuclear bomb.
“I’m in love with you, Cade. I know that was never our arrangement. I know that you don’t do long term relationships, so it’s best if we break it off now.” While I can still triage the damage to my heart. Before I hurt either of us anymore than I already had.
Cade stood and pushed his fingers through his hair and started pacing. I folded my arms and leaned forward in my seat to wait for his reaction to my Hiroshima-ing. I have no doubt that his former subs had declared their love for him. The combination of his caring Dominant style and the fan-fucking-tastic orgasms, how could anyone not?
I was also sure that none of them had ever broken up with him over it. Cade grabbed at the back of his neck and could practically feel the tension. I wanted to rub them away. To kiss them away, to fall to my knees and suck on his cock until all the stress was drained from him. As of twenty-seven seconds ago, that wasn’t my place.
“Fuck, Ness.”
I wanted badly to rock myself but needed to be content with my semi-fetal position. I was an adult who had to deal with the craptastic situation I’d gotten myself into. “I know.”
“So you decided that we shouldn’t have a relationship at all?” The tone of Cade’s voice had taken a turn. This was more than upset.
I’d been staring at the carpet, pretending to study the pattern there. The hint of anger in his voice surprised me into looking up. His arms were crossed and that was definitely a look of censure in his eyes.
I wrapped my arms around myself. “I thought it was best.”
“Without actually talking to me. I thought we had a great thing going here. I also thought we agreed on open communication.”
Shit. This was not the reaction I’d imagined. Cade paced in front of me while I tried to reconcile what was happening. Where was the stoic Dom that never lost control? That’s the one I assumed I was breaking up with. The one who would take it in stride, leave me to repair my broken feelings while he moved onto another submissive.
“And you didn’t consider my feelings at all? You had me scared to death out there. You made me think I’d broken you, broken the promises I’d made to you. But, you just wanted to break it off with me?”
I hadn’t been thinking about Cade’s feelings at all in this. I was operating on the assumption he wouldn’t care either way. Didn’t I know better? He wasn’t some robot. In fact, he wasn’t even the hard-hearted control freak everyone thought he was. He’d never been that way with me.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t plan for it to happen that way. I meant to say something to you when we first got here. But, when I saw you, I ...”
He leaned up against the wall near the door. His body had gone from tense and tight to a lazy arrogance. “Needed one last fuck?”
“It wasn’t like that, Cade.” It hurt me that he thought that. Why wouldn’t he. It’s pretty much exactly what went down. Maybe it was best if he did think that.
He turned his back to me and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Listen, I don’t want to say something I’ll regret, right now. I need some time to work through this and decide what to do.”
“Yeah, me too.” Time to grieve, time to recover.
He put his hand on the door, ready to walk away. One small push and he’d be out of my life. I waited for the goodbye with regret in my heart. He turned his head so I wasn’t directly in his gaze, but so his voice carried in my direction. “Meet me here next week. Same time.”
What the...? I honestly did a double take. “Cade, that’s neither a smart idea nor enough time. I can’t.”
“Vanessa, you can and you will. We won’t play. I promise, with all my heart not to hurt you physically or emotionally if you meet me again.” The command of the Dom I loved was back in his tone.
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep. You are going to—” I had to ignore the urge to do exactly as he asked.
“I’m not. One week, Vanessa.”
I didn’t understand what we were doing. Plans to meet again would only end badly. I shook my head. “Cade, please. Don’t make me do this.”
“I can’t make you do anything you don’t want to. I never could. You’ve got all the control, all the power, you always have. This one time, let me be in charge.”
I shook my head. He wasn’t right. I hadn’t been in control since the first time I met him. And I wasn’t now. I couldn’t say no. “Fine.”
He nodded and walked out of the powder room. I stayed. I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel anything, because if I did an achy-breaky heart would be the least of my symptoms.
Chapter Twenty-Three