Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t—you’re right.
~ Henry Ford
“I am the greatest.”
At a very early age, Muhammad Ali began saying these words with confidence, conviction, and emotion. He bragged and told everyone these words even before he proved he was the greatest.
And indeed, Muhammad Ali did become the greatest. In his professional boxing career, he had a record of fifty-six wins, five losses, and zero draws. He was unstoppable and impenetrable.
How did he manifest these words into reality? He told himself he was the greatest, and he told the world he was. Muhammad Ali became his belief, he trusted his belief, and thus, his belief became his reality. His belief system was the single most important influence he had over his life. From this poignant example, it can also be said that one of the most important influences over a child’s level of academic success is his belief system.
Our belief systems are at the core of who we are. They drive us. They persuade how we act and on what we put our attention. A belief is this powerful because it is simply any perception, cognition, emotion, or memory that we consciously or unconsciously assume to be true. In short, our belief is our reality.
Beliefs can be empowering and life changing, as in the example of Muhammad Ali, but unfortunately they can also be equally as disempowering. If our beliefs are negative, pessimistic, and limiting, then the result will be a negative, pessimistic, and limiting existence. For Billy, this destructive power of a negative belief system is what creates much of the chaos in his academic experience.
The Origins of Our Beliefs. Children come into this world with a natural propensity to completely trust, as fact, what others say to them. As children grow, mature, and as their brains develop, their ability to receive, filter, and delineate beliefs also grows. The neocortex does not fully develop until a person is twenty-five years of age, in an optimal environment. As Jean Piaget emphasized, children are not little adults. The brain is different at each developmental stage of their lives.
Conception to Birth. Belief systems begin in the womb and are highly influenced by the mother, the first human connection of the fetus. The developing fetus is highly sensitive to its mother’s feelings during the pregnancy. If the pregnancy is unplanned and the mother does not want to be pregnant, these feelings will transfer to the fetus. He will feel as if he is unwanted and unlovable. This becomes part of his cellular system as the geno is spinning and forming. If the mother is under stress and unhappy, the fetus begins to absorb this and formulates the belief that he is the cause of this unhappiness. The foundation of the baby’s “lovability” and self-worth is encoded into the cells of his body these first nine months.
Birth to Two Years Old. At birth, the biological design is for the child to be connected to his mother. Mother and child are a dyad—a system of two that has become one. The infant is vulnerable and is completely relying on the mother for all that exists.
In this connected and entwined relationship, all that is the mother’s belief becomes the child’s belief, as it did in the womb. If the mother believes her child is a burden and an inconvenience, the child too believes he is a burden and an inconvenience. If the mother believes the world is unsafe and dangerous, this too becomes the child’s belief. The accumulation of these rejecting and unsafe feelings from the mother eventually turns into a deep-seated state of self-rejection. Hence, we have a child like Billy.
Conversely, if the mother loves herself, is happy and optimistic, the child too loves himself and is happy (barring any other factors that would interfere with this transfer of belief systems, such as a physical condition that causes continual pain). If the mother finds meaning in being a mother, so too does the child find meaning and purpose in this world. These loving and accepting feelings from the mother turn into self-acceptance and self-love. Hence, we have a child like Andy.
Two Years Old to Ten Years Old. As a child begins to mature and the brain develops, a child begins to develop his own identity, his own programs, and his own beliefs. These programs and beliefs, however, are based solely on his life experiences, what is said to him, and what he experiences in the context of relationship.
At this point in development, the brain is still only a receiver. It is an open mind, soaking in all information as truth. The brain at this stage of life does not have the capacity to process or filter out the negative. It internalizes everything.
If a child is told negative messages, these then become part of his conscious and subconscious belief system of who he is. If he is told, “I wish you had never been born,” there is no ability to block this statement from becoming part of his reality. He then believes unequivocally that he is not loved or worthy.
Children at this age observe the behavioral patterns of those closest to them. They learn to distinguish acceptable and unacceptable social patterns according to their immediate environment. These perceptions have been downloaded into the child before age six, and they shape and influence how the child will interact with others from this point forward.1
Unfortunately, by the time a child is eight years old, he is typically told seven times more negative messages than positive messages. What is said to children at this vulnerable age does matter, as do the experiences the child has with the adults in his life. It molds the very essence of who this child becomes and who he perceives himself to be in this world. Neuroscientist Andrew Newberg, M.D., author of Why We Believe What We Believe, clearly points out that the expression “Monkey see, monkey do” turns out to be neurologically correct.2
Ten Years Old to Sixteen Years Old. As a child moves into preadolescence and the teenage years, the brain becomes more sophisticated. Instead of being strictly a receiver, it also becomes a processor. The child now has the ability to begin to filter out programs that do not work for him and that are not his truth. He becomes aware that he is a separate and unique individual with the power to create his own beliefs.
During this time, the brain becomes sophisticated enough to understand and comprehend that many of the things that were said to him or what happened to him were not good and not right. This stage in a child’s development is a time for self-reflection and for filtering out invalid beliefs. However, this is a new process with a steep learning curve. Instead of being able to discern the nuances of the true and false beliefs, the child becomes extreme. He filters out everything from adults simply because they came from adults. This manifests into the typical teenager who is rebellious, disrespectful, and defensive in his behaviors and attitudes.
While the child is simply trying to reject negative beliefs that were taken in as truths, the process of cleansing becomes black and white, all or nothing. Statements like “You’re not in charge of me!” or “I don’t have to listen to anything you say” are all too familiar to anyone working with teenagers. Such statements are reflective of the very charged process of self-identity and the refining of the individual’s own belief system.
External Messages Become Internal Realities. Children’s beliefs are created when experiences happen over and over again and when phrases are spoken repeatedly. Beliefs get stronger when more evidence supports them. The mind is like the software of the brain. A child’s mind is “programmed” by his experiences, and this becomes the “software” by which he perceives and operates in the world.
A child is not born into this world knowing he is worthy, loved, or all right. It is by the design of the parent-child relationship that these beliefs are to be “installed.” Whether or not these beliefs are positive or negative is irrelevant. All beliefs become real because the child has no filters to discern true beliefs from false beliefs. They become a tremendous power and driving force in the child’s life.
This can easily be seen in the biomedical literature. The placebo effect shows us that when a physician believes in a treatment and the patient has faith in the physician, the outcome, despite a true intervention, is improvement and sometimes a complete cure in the patient’s condition.
What we say to our children and how we interact with them does matter. Their brains use these messages to develop their sense of self as well as to make sense of their worlds. When children are given a message, any message, they translate it into meaning.
The mind will take a statement, create an interpretation of the world from this statement, and create a deeper meaning from this statement. For instance, if someone says, “Have a safe flight,” there must be a reason for this statement. The reason, based solely on the words used, must mean that flying is unsafe. If flying were safe, then there would be no need to voice a hope for safety. The only conclusion is that there must be some sort of risk associated with flying.
Apply this same concept to typical messages we give to children. Table 5.1 shows what message we are saying to them and their concrete and linear interpretation of the message.
Table 5.1. Examples of how external messages lead to negative internal beliefs
Beliefs Influence Physiology. Studies show that those with optimistic viewpoints and belief systems who say “everything will work out” have stronger immune systems. Additionally, optimistic people’s secretion level of cortisol (a stress hormone) is less.3 Therefore, beliefs affect physiology and have influence over the emotional center of the child’s brain. Strong beliefs, both positive and negative, elicit strong emotions and thus arouse the limbic system of the brain.
If a child has strong negative beliefs, this will be associated with strong negative emotions, keeping the child in a state of stress and overwhelm, keeping the limbic system activated. If you have ever felt bad about something you did, even long after the event, the emotionality of the event lingered with you. You most likely felt anxious, tired, and simply “off” because of these feelings. For children like Billy, the same is true, but instead of a being in a temporary state of dysregulation, he remains in a perpetual physiologic state of dysregulation, greatly influenced by his belief system.
Not only does the emotionality of the belief keep the belief system deeply ingrained into the child’s internal framework of the mind, but the neural circuits are also being engraved to reflect these beliefs. The development of the neuropathways is being set according to these beliefs. Neuroscience is showing that the more that a particular neuronal path is used, the stronger it becomes. In other words, neurons that fire together wire together. Conversely, the less a particular neuronal path is used, the weaker it becomes. It is a case of “use it or lose it.”
For example, if Billy’s parental reactions to his behaviors growing up were constantly about failure and blame, his sense of value and self-worth will be diminished. He has been programmed to believe, “I’m not good enough” and “Nothing I do is right.” His neural network is wired together in a negative, self-defeating pattern.
Conversely, if Andy’s parental responses to his behaviors growing up reflected continuous understanding, support, and loving guidance, his sense of value and self-worth will be strong and unshakeable. He has been programmed to believe, “I can do it” and “I am good enough.” His neural network is wired together in a positive, self-supporting pattern.
As Billy and Andy arrive in the classroom side by side, they are viewed as two similar students from their external appearances, but internally Billy and Andy are drastically different. They cannot be expected to each fit into the same academic mold and perform at the same academic standard without Billy receiving additional support in the beginning.
Beliefs in the Classroom. Once Billy enters the classroom, even though his belief system has already been negatively influenced, and in many cases corrupted, it is important to understand how the dynamics and protocols within the school environment can also negatively and positively influence Billy’s belief system. Two of the most impactful for Billy are the grading system and the use of praise as encouragement.
Grading System. As early as kindergarten, children learn that a big red “X” on their worksheet means they are “wrong.” Enough of these X’s and the only viable conclusion becomes “I’m stupid.” If Andy receives no X’s and Billy receives five X’s, when Billy compares his sheet to Andy’s sheet, the only logical conclusion Billy has to make is “I’m dumb” and “Andy is smarter than I am.” In contrast, if Andy receives all check marks, he believes he is smart but then he also begins to associate his worthiness with his performance.
The mind believes what it perceives as factual. Even if the teacher works to console Billy by telling him not to worry, Billy can only believe what is tangibly staring him in the face. The five X’s are factual. The consoling words are only fictional.
The American grading system is set up to give children the message that they are either “smart” or “stupid.” While this system is detrimental on its own merit, when a child like Billy enters the classroom already programmed to believe he is unworthy or stupid, this grading system can be disastrous. It reinforces negative beliefs and ultimately closes any door of opportunity for change. Learning can be stopped dead in its tracks at this point.
Praising as Encouragement. For a child like Andy, using praise as a form of encouragement is effective and well received. However, for a child like Billy, whose deep-seated belief system says he is no good and not worthy of praise, it can have a sabotaging effect.
Teachers become exceptionally frustrated when they give a child like Billy a compliment and only seconds later he acts out in the opposite direction. It is as if Billy had an agenda to prove he is truly a “bad” child. It can be maddening to witness this type of behavior.
Billy’s world has been so unpredictable and unsafe that his stability is based on his beliefs. He has to believe what he believes to survive. Giving up these beliefs would be not only scary but terrifying. He has to work to prove to the world he is “bad”; hence, compliments and praise drive him to act out even more negatively.
Words like “Great job, Billy. I’m so proud of you!” blatantly contradict Billy’s internal framework. Messages like these are in direct contradiction to his sense of self. Newberg writes, “The human brain has a propensity to reject any belief that is not in accord with one’s own view.”4 Billy’s entire foundation of existence can be threatened by a compliment. He reacts not from the cognitive and rational mind that would allow good reason to accept these positive messages but from a lower state of survival. He becomes emotionally fired up by compliments. He is working to retain what is familiar and safe, even if they are negative and self-defeating. They are what is familiar and safe.
Beliefs Inhibit Academic Performance. For Billy, negative experiences and negative words said to him have created a negative belief system about himself and about the world around him. By school age, he has been hardwired differently than Andy. Negative reactions and harsh punishments in his family created a Billy who is afraid of making mistakes. His natural sense of curiosity and love for learning has become stifled.
To avoid more negativity, Billy will avoid taking healthy risks and will stop trying academics that present even the slightest challenge. Billy’s strategy often becomes that of avoiding doing any academic work to avoid embarrassment and shame. He learns to lie, blame, deny, and resist. He can become a master at accomplishing nothing academically despite being in a classroom for six hours.
Mixing a negative belief system with academics can literally be explosive. Parents and teachers report spending hours on one assignment with pencils split in half, papers being torn up, and chairs being thrown. From the adult perspective we think, “It’s just a list of spelling words” or “It’s just a math worksheet.” However, to Billy, that list of spelling words and the worksheet of math problems represent threats to his entire existence. These assignments have the ability to not only remind Billy of his negative beliefs but to confirm their validity beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Although Billy believes he is stupid, he does not really want to feel stupid because this is an uncomfortable and unsettling feeling. When presented with a list of spelling words to alphabetize, he becomes challenged and immediately feels that unwanted sensation of being stupid. If he continues with the list of words and gets them wrong (which he is convinced will happen), then he will be staring at tangible proof that he is genuinely stupid.
The spelling words will prove, once and for all, that he is stupid. In his black-and-white thinking, this is who he is with absolute certainty, with no hope for change. To avoid this outcome, he will resist doing the work. He will fight for hours, refusing to attempt the words, and no threat of any consequence will be enough to overcome this resistance. He will accept the consequence of not going out to recess over feeling stupid. The former has much less weight than the latter.
The issue, then, is not that Billy is being defiant or “lazy.” It goes much deeper; it goes to the core of his being. No one wants to feel stupid, especially Billy. The fight is with his belief, not with the spelling words.
Table 5.2. Negative beliefs induced by trauma
Billy may enter the classroom with a plethora of negative beliefs about himself that will interfere with and inhibit his academic performance. A list of these beliefs is listed in Table 5.2. When educators and parents are aware of the magnitude of Billy’s resistance to his academics and cease to threaten him with consequences, more effective strategies can be implemented to move Billy out of this negative internal framework. For Billy this means having a voice and feeling heard; using affirmations, mantras, and repetition; and receiving continual support.
Having a Voice. When Billy expresses a negative belief, the adult working with him will typically respond in a way that counteracts this negative belief with a positive belief. If Billy says, “I can’t do this. I’m stupid,” the teacher usually says, “Billy, that isn’t so. You’re very smart.” Although the intention from the teacher is loving, this type of response invalidates what Billy believes. This contradiction between his belief and the teacher’s belief makes him feel even more stupid and frustrated that he is not being heard. Billy does not trust adults to begin with, so if the teacher tries to override her belief with Billy’s, the opposite effect happens. It will actually solidify his negative belief.
Billy needs to be able to reprogram his belief system through his own individual process, not by others tacking their beliefs onto him. He needs to feel as if he is being heard. He needs to believe that someone truly understands how he feels, even if it is negative. In order to jump-start the process of changing his belief system, Billy needs acceptance and validation.
Traditionally, the fear was that if Billy expressed himself around this negative belief, it would only serve to strengthen the belief. Quite the opposite is true. Trauma is a result of being powerless and it leaves a child without a voice. Thus, Billy’s healing will be found in the moments he is given the chance to have his voice back and to be heard.
Thus, when Billy expresses, “I can’t do this. I’m stupid,” he needs a validating response such as, “Wow, Billy, that cannot feel good! Explain to me how this makes you feel stupid.” Giving Billy the chance to explain why he feels stupid and to have a voice around this feeling is an essential step prior to him changing this belief. Once he is validated—“Billy, I didn’t realize this was so big for you and I totally get it now. No wonder you don’t want to do this assignment.”—the question can be put back out to him of how he can manage to complete the task. “I know it’s hard to believe, but I think you’re very smart and you can accomplish this. I’m here to help if you need it, so what do you think you can do to still get this list of spelling words in alphabetical order?”
Affirmations. Muhammad Ali was able to create his own reality through affirmations and so can an entire classroom of students. If a computer has corrupt or outdated software, this issue is fixed by upgrading the software. The same is true for the mind. Affirmations are a way to upgrade the negative programming in the mind by replacing it with empowering, positive, and energizing statements.
Most resources will suggest repeating a positive affirmation when sad, depressing, or self-defeating thoughts are present, like saying, “I am happy.” However, this is ineffective because you cannot override a negative thought by simply saying something positive—that would be like adding new software to a computer before removing the old corrupted software. It will not work.
For affirmations to be effective, you have to first acknowledge the negative thought, refuse it, and then add the positive. Table 5.3 gives examples of affirmations that can be used to help Billy (and all students) reprogram their beliefs for success and academic achievement.
Mantras. The use of mantras can help children move back quickly to a stable point of reference when they begin to become dysregulated. It is a useful technique to help ground and focus a student back to emotional safety in the heat of the moment.5 However, when using mantras, preemptive work needs to be done. It is vital to practice and repeat the mantras as a class prior to any behavioral challenges. Then, when an issue arises with Billy, they can be used as a “911” intervention. An example of such mantras would be:
Teacher: “Who’s safe?”
Child: “I am safe.”
Teacher: “All of the time or some of the time?”
Child: “All the time!”
Teacher: “Who is in charge to keep you safe?”
Child: “You [the teacher] are in charge to keep me safe.”
Teacher: “All of the time or some of the time?”
Child: “All of the time!”
Repetition. The effectiveness of affirmations and mantras depends greatly on repeating them often. While we all constantly have self-talk going on in our heads, Billy’s self-talk is exceptionally negative. Giving him new thoughts at the conscious level and repeating these positive thoughts daily will eventually embed them at the subconscious level. Muhammad Ali is credited to have said, “It’s the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen.”
Table 5.3. Affirmations to reprogram Billy’s negative belief system
When children learn their times tables, it takes practicing them over and over. The basic process for learning anything new is to first be introduced to the material then to transfer the information from short-term memory to long-term memory. The same is true for helping children to get out of their negative belief systems. This can be accomplished by being in an environment that is continually supporting them in a positive, affirming way, while at the same time giving them emotional space to discharge the old beliefs.
When Nothing Seems to Work. There will be times when no matter what positive supports are put into place, no matter what encouraging environment is established, and no matter how strong a relationship Billy has with his teachers, he will continue to struggle. Due to the chaotic and difficult lifestyle Billy has had in the past, his belief system says that he must suffer, fight, and struggle. His subconscious mind will work to sabotage and it will work to make his life difficult. Crisis is his modus operandi.
When the obstacles are taken out of the way, Billy will then create the obstacles. He does not believe he is entitled to peace, happiness, and an easy road. Although at a conscious level, he is tired of the struggle, he continues to create the struggle at an unconscious level. It is a terrible dichotomic state in which to live.
When nothing else can be done, it will simply take continuing with the parameters that are in place for Billy and allowing him to struggle. This has to be his process; healing cannot be forced. Keep the boundaries strong and clear, allowing Billy to have something to “push against” to know that the supports and people around him are strong enough to lovingly handle him.