Twelve chapters and almost two hundred pages later of information on how to find understanding and Help for Billy should be all that is needed to make things work for Billy. Right? Sometimes yes, but sometimes no. The reality may actually hold a different outcome and the reason comes down to one simple truth: Billy may not be ready to receive this understanding and help.
Ultimately, we have to understand that Billy is on his own journey. He is on his own timetable and his own organic path to healing. Healing takes courage and the ability to break down massive protective barriers, barriers that were created to protect the heart and soul from more overwhelming amounts of pain and fear.
Our work is done after we have provided what has been described in the last twelve chapters’ worth of support, understanding, and love. The only step after that is to detach—detach from the outcome. There is nothing more to do at this point. Just detach.
Detachment is hard because we live in a world that is outcome based. Our school systems epitomize outcome-driven structures. Funding, the bottom line for all schools, is determined in most districts by achievement and the outcome of the students. To stay focused on the process requires us to find the courage to place confidence in the power of love, to have certainty, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that love will never fail. What has failed us in the past is that fear got in the way and created more disciplinary problems and more resistance from Billy.
We are asking Billy to change and to trust in love; we must do the same. We are asking Billy to let go of his defenses and internal protective forces, thus we must also make these changes in order to complete this process for Billy.
Let go of Billy’s outcome. It is not about giving up; it is about letting go and changing the tool of measurement. Ask yourself about the process in which you were engaged with Billy: “Did I give Billy understanding, acceptance, and validation today?” These are the things that should be measured because these are, in reality, the only parts over which you have any control. We cannot control the outcome of any child, especially Billy. Thinking that we can is in essence ignoring and discrediting the strength and power of free will.
We are on this planet in a framework of free will, all of us. This is why every one of us is resistant to power and control. We were given this gift to learn and experience what true love is. Each of us is here to migrate back to the essence of our origins—back to the fullness and completeness of unconditional love. For this reason, a controlling and fear-based model within any organization, whether it is a corporation, a personal relationship, or a classroom, will always fail in the long term.
The solution is to flip the evaluation and focus back to us—the teacher, the parent, the administrator, the school support person—because nothing is guaranteed except for the gift of giving love. It is then up to the receiver to receive the love or reject it, to either change or stay the same.
Your ability to give love and stay mindful is the new outcome.
At the end of each day, each year, each decade, or entire lifetime, look back and ask yourself if you did all you could to make a loving and positive difference. We have been asking the wrong questions, which can only lead to feeling utterly unsuccessful. We have been asking whether the child behaved, whether he passed the state achievement test, or whether he was accepted into Harvard. As we have seen throughout this book, if you ask the wrong questions, you’ll get the wrong answers.
The questions that each of us working with children should be asking are, “What was my level of love?” and “To what extent was I able to get outside of my own desires and agenda to be able to be in the shoes of Billy?”
When you have been able to fully and unconditionally deliver Help for Billy, your work is complete. There is nothing else to do. It is then up to Billy to receive the help and make the needed changes.
Sometimes Billy can change, sometimes he cannot. Or perhaps he simply is not ready to change and it is not the right timing. At this point love is about letting go and stepping back to give Billy his right to free will. There is nothing else to do but love him, create boundaries for him, and continue doing your best because your best is good enough. Let love take over from here and be kind and loving to yourself, always.
Press on,
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW