“What a beautiful home,” Lucia said. “Natalie, I love your unicorn collection.” She and Fritz returned to the library after touring the house.
Natalie forced a tight smile. “Thanks.” She was looking more like her mother all the time: her face was getting thinner and she had a growing air of sophistication. Not sophisticated in her clothing or her language or her ideas, but sophisticated in that her innocence was leaving or had already left. Maybe the right word was worldliness. Over the last couple of months, her carefree spirit had been replaced by a quiet understanding of the emotional landscape she lived in. I felt as though she were seeing her home for the first time. And witnessing a divide between her parents. One that she’d probably witnessed in the past, but in this situation, that divide could not be ignored.
Perhaps she was also seeing her mother’s actions more clearly. Amelia’s actions had little to do with promoting the interests of her family. I understood Amelia’s need for a baby. It was a desire to pull herself from the abyss. To be lifted out of her suffering. To leave her own body and become someone else.
“Have a seat,” Amelia said to Lucia, gesturing to the sofa, and sat down across from her. Natalie was sitting tense and cross-legged on the arm of the sofa. I sat down between her and her mother.
“Lucia,” Amelia said, “your medical bills must be a burden.” She clasped her hands in her lap in an earnest-looking pose. “And you mentioned that you had to cut your hours back at work because you haven’t been feeling well. Pregnancy takes such a toll on a woman’s body. Such a toll. I remember it well. I think … it’s important to have support. Assuming that this works out, and that we all feel comfortable, I’d like to provide the kind of support that would allow you to rest, to study, to exercise, and to have proper nutrition.”
Amelia was successfully managing a maternal tone, as if the only difference between her and Lucia was age.
“Assuming that it works out,” Amelia said, “I’d like to cover all your expenses—medical, food, transportation—retroactively and for the duration of your pregnancy. It’s the least Fritz and I can do.” She looked at Fritz like she was hoping for a nod of affirmation, but she received none. She quickly turned back to Lucia, who appeared to be confused by Amelia’s offer. “Furthermore, I recognize that your pregnancy interrupted your studies, so I’d like to cover the remainder of your college tuition. Wherever you choose to go.”
Lucia held the end of her red scarf in her fingers and twisted the tassels. She didn’t smile or say thank you. Maybe she recognized the semi-bribe for what it was and was insulted. Maybe she saw in Amelia an easy target and planned to squeeze her for all she was worth.
Leaning his back against the doorway to the library, Fritz removed his glasses, revealing a red indentation on either side of his nose, and cleaned the lenses meticulously with the bottom of his undershirt. I gathered he and Amelia had not discussed the subject prior to Lucia’s arrival. I gathered he was angry.
I sensed Natalie feeling her importance in the family slipping out from underneath her. Amelia’s offer to Lucia would have a financial impact on their lives. I thought about that unpaid tuition bill.
Amelia moved to the opposite sofa, next to Lucia, and she took the girl’s hand in her own. “Thank you for coming to our house tonight. It means the world to me. And I know that Fritz and Natalie feel the same way.” Fritz checked his watch. Natalie glued her eyes to the floor and chewed her nails.
The meeting was coming to a close. I needed for Amelia and Fritz to view Lucia’s state of mind accurately, and I only had a few minutes left in which to shine a light on the cracks in their understanding of her.
“What is the baby’s name?” I asked.
“Nina,” Lucia said.
Perhaps my question was ill timed, but I knew I wouldn’t have another chance.
“Who gets to name the baby?” Natalie was suddenly reengaged.
“The baby’s parents name the baby.” Amelia spoke with an edge in her voice.
“Who counts as the baby’s parents?” Natalie asked.
A silence fell over the room. I could feel Amelia’s anger emanating like a hot stove.
“That’s an odd question, Natalie.” Amelia made an effort to sound lighthearted. “Because Lucia is the child’s birth mother. But someone will adopt the baby and that person or those people will be the baby’s adoptive parents.”
“So who names the baby?” Natalie asked again, her voice and face now animated.
There was a brief silence before Fritz interjected. “Honey, the adoptive parents usually name the baby. The baby takes their last name, and they choose a first name for the baby.”
Natalie had released her limbs from their constricted position and seemed to be regaining control of her voice and her body. She addressed Lucia directly. “So why did you choose a name already?”
Lucia paused. “The baby’s inside me.” She placed her hand on her middle. “Right now I’m the child’s mother. And I need to talk to my baby. So I call her Nina.”
“Well, won’t that be confusing for her?” Natalie asked everyone. “Now she hears Lucia calling her Nina, but then later she has a different name. I don’t think that’s fair to the baby. If her name is Nina now, it should stay Nina. It’s a nice name anyway.”
“Wow,” Amelia said. “I didn’t realize what time it was. It’s almost ten. Lucia, you need to get some rest.”
“Yeah.” Fritz checked his watch again.
“Let’s get you a car home.” Amelia picked up her iPad from the coffee table to call a car.
Amelia and Lucia both stood. Amelia planted a kiss on Lucia’s forehead. It was almost a religious gesture, very unlike Amelia. “I want you to take care of yourself. Promise me you will,” she said.
Lucia nodded self-consciously.
“Bye, Lucia.” Fritz gave Lucia an awkward thumbs-up and then disappeared into the kitchen.
Amelia helped to bundle Lucia into her red coat. Then she slipped on her sneakers, which were next to the front door, and walked Lucia outside to the car. I stood in the doorway with my hand on Natalie’s shoulder and watched the interaction between the two women on the sidewalk. Amelia, who had neglected to wear a coat herself, must have been freezing cold with her bare legs and sneakers. She put her hand to Lucia’s cheek. Lucia, with her high ponytail and round face, looked like a little girl compared to Amelia. Once Lucia climbed into the car, Amelia blew her a kiss through the window, then clasped her hands to her heart. As the car pulled away, Amelia waved both hands in the air as if she were saying goodbye to her daughter. And I suppose, in her mind, she was.
I opened the hall closet and found my coat. It was next to Amelia’s shiny purple Moncler. I’d tried on the exact same one at a store recently. One day I planned to ask Amelia if I could borrow her coat, but today was probably not the best day for that.
I didn’t want to leave, but I also didn’t want to face a moment when the Straubs wished I wasn’t there.
Amelia walked back up the front path, shivering from the cold. I kissed Natalie on the cheek.
“Delta.” Amelia stood in the doorway. “Why did you ask the baby’s name?”
The hostility in her voice gave me a sinking sensation.
She closed the door behind her. “The baby doesn’t have a name.” Amelia’s words came at a fast clip. “In the Jewish religion, you never name a baby before it’s born. Neither do you buy clothes or a crib for a baby, or you might draw the attention of the ‘evil eye.’”
“I’m sorry … I was curious,” I said, “because I overheard her talking to the baby when I walked her to the bathroom. The baby is probably better off with a birth mother who is invested in the child’s well-being. No?”
“No. Yes. No.” Amelia kicked her sneakers off by the coat closet. I followed her down the hallway toward the kitchen, where Fritz was sitting on one of the counter stools, drinking another beer and eating a large bag of chips. She leaned her torso all the way forward onto the Calacatta marble of the island, her arms crossed to create a pillow for her head. After a minute of silence, she stood up and faced me again. “Lucia has decided that she is not the baby’s mother. That’s her decision. Whether she chooses us or another family, she has no right to name the baby. She has no rights at all regarding this baby.” Amelia stood uncomfortable in her body, almost as if it belonged to someone else.
Next to the open refrigerator, Natalie held a container of milk in her hands. Inside the refrigerator, at least ten bottles of champagne, lying sideways, covered one of the shelves. Perhaps they’d had a party recently or were going to have a party. One I hadn’t been invited to.
“Of course,” I said, “her rights will be terminated as a birth parent. After the baby is born.”
Amelia’s hands involuntarily flicked in the direction of the floor, like she was shaking water off them.
“Amelia,” I continued, “it’s just I sense ambivalence about her decision. I’m scared you might be hurt.”
“No one’s made any decision yet.” Fritz tossed the empty bag of chips into the trash under the sink and slammed the cabinet. “Not Lucia. Not us. And this conversation is bullshit.”
Apparently, Fritz and Amelia had little regard for Natalie’s presence in the room and how she might be processing their conversation. They prided themselves on being transparent with their child.
Natalie reached up high to pull a tall blue tumbler from one of the open shelves. She poured the last few ounces of milk into her glass. She looked exhausted.
“I have to invest in this baby,” Amelia said, her voice devoid of inflection. “I don’t have a choice. I have to invest in this baby.”
“No, Amelia,” Fritz said. “You will not force this down my throat.”
“Amelia,” I said, “you have options.”
I tried to envision an Amelia who was not overflowing with confidence.
Tears filled her eyes. It seemed to me that she was encouraging the tears. She didn’t have an answer for Fritz and, strategically, probably thought that crying was her best response. Not to suggest that she wasn’t impulsive and dramatic. She was. But, to achieve her end, I believed that Amelia could control her behavior. She and I were alike in that way.
I had never felt a strong urge to have a baby. The urge for me was to be a surrogate for Amelia and Fritz. The intimacy of that act. The importance. Very soon after the baby’s arrival, Amelia would return to working long hours. I could bond with the baby. I could potentially have a stronger bond with the child than Amelia would. And perhaps even more critical, my presence would be forever integrated into the Straubs’ lives.
It wasn’t the right time to introduce the subject to Amelia. I didn’t want to appear to be invested in any particular outcome. Amelia covered her face and wept, her body caving in. Something about her crumpled form made me know that I wouldn’t be able to repair the rift today. I needed to come at it from another angle.
“You all should get some rest.” I put my arms around Natalie and kissed her. Leaving the house took tremendous willpower. I told my legs to walk and they didn’t. An undefinable magnetic force held me in place.
Fritz moved toward the door, expecting me to follow. I forced my feet to lift and step in that direction.
“Call me if you need anything,” I said to Fritz. I wanted to touch him. I wanted him to know how much I cared about him and his well-being.
“Thanks, Delta.” He leaned forward, as if he might embrace me, but then thought better of it and stepped back.
That night, I had a recurring dream. I was running toward a baby, and then I became the baby that I was running toward. Someone’s arms were wrapped around my body. I felt encompassed by warmth and love. I belonged to someone.