Chapter Fifteen

One of the few consolations Filbert had in his life were the early mornings. The magnificent blue skies over the rolling green hills compensated for all the frustration he'd always known as a gay Amish man. He would wake up feeling doomed, as usual, and then he would get dressed and head up to the farm market before anyone else arrived for work. He would avoid his mom and dad, skip breakfast, and steal those precious moments just for himself. On his way to the market at any given time of the year, he would take in the sweet scents of each season, feel the warm sun on his face, and bask in the privilege of absolute solitude.

On Labor Day morning that year, he made a point of getting up extra early so he could go to the market and check on something important. He climbed out of bed gently so he wouldn't wake Noah, grabbed his clothes, and slipped down the hall to the bathroom to get dressed for the day. Noah was a sound sleeper and he wouldn't be up for at least another hour for his morning ride. He knew his mom and dad were in the kitchen already, sipping strong coffee and eating their usual Monday morning bowl of oatmeal, because if it was Monday, Labor Day or not, they were having oatmeal.

When he slipped out the front door without being seen, he looked up at the sky and took a deep breath. It was one of those rare late summer mornings with a deep blue sky, a cool dry breeze coming from the west, and practically no humidity in the air. These were the mornings he waited for all summer. They kept him grounded and thrilled to be alive. He felt as if he could accomplish anything on days like this, and everything around him felt fresh and new again. For just a few seconds, he wasn't a gay Amish man living a tortured life, and he wasn't destined to live out an empty existence just for the sake of his family. He was more than that. He was a human being who could still find solace in the simplest pleasures in life no matter how hard everything else seemed. The grass appeared greener, the multicolored flowers in the meadow grew more vibrant, and the clean fresh clean scent of wet grass filled him with hope. Nothing looked bad, not even the oldest rustiest pipe leaning against the barn. In the right light, at the right angle, even that old pipe took on an exaggerated artistic appeal.

As he trudged up the hill toward the farm market, with his hands in his pockets and his head up high, he wondered if he could ever leave all this behind and have another life. If only he could just have it all. If only he could live an authentic life without being judged, ridiculed, or shunned for who he was and what he needed most. He didn't care much about money, material things, or competing to be the best. It wasn't about sex. He didn't need praise or attention, and he didn't care about clothes or cars. The only things he'd ever wanted in life were free to most people in the English world. For him, however, there seemed to be a steep price to pay for even the smallest pleasures.

When he thought about Noah leaving for New York and never seeing him again, he felt emptiness deep in his gut. It was worse than the pain he'd felt when he'd thought about Niles leaving. It was the worst feeling he'd ever known. He already missed Niles, but he'd been texting him daily since he'd left and their relationship was totally different than his relationship with Noah. Niles was a best friend, a buddy, a guy he could hang out with. He could text him in the morning and not hear back until late afternoon and it didn't bother him. He would always be best friends with Niles, and he would see him in a few months for Thanksgiving. But he knew that once Noah left he might never see him again, and he hadn't been prepared for the empty feeling with which it would leave him.

Up until he'd met Noah, he'd always found a way to deal with his circumstances and to make do with what he had. Making do had been his entire life. He'd find a new online video web site that kept him interested, or he'd join one of those web sites with streaming content that kept him in touch with what was happening in the non-Amish world around him. During the most frustrating times he could bury himself in work at the market and reorganize the flower displays, figure out ways to display the handmade Amish quilts for tourists, or make more cheese. He just wasn't sure how he would get by without having Noah around anymore.

He had a mission that morning he didn't want anyone else to know about. He entered the farm market through the back entrance so no one would see him, and he kept the lights off so he wouldn't attract any attention. The market would be open that day, because unlike the 4^th of July that's what the tourists expected on Labor Day. He didn't have to be there. They paid people extra to do this, and these employees were only too happy to make the extra money.

He passed by shelves of homemade Amish preserves that had just arrived from another state, the display case that would soon be filled with fresh hot Amish pies, and a new display of pricey maple syrup from northern Vermont the tourists seemed to love. The syrup wasn't Amish, it had nothing to do with Amish culture, but they didn't seem to care. He could have filled glass bottles with generic supermarket syrup for all it mattered. As long as it had a country-folksy Amish appeal and a cute little bow around it, the tourists couldn't seem to get enough.

When he entered the back kitchen, he headed directly to the cooler where Noah stored his cheese. He'd been awake all night worrying about the cheese that Noah was about to enter in the annual cheese competition. If Noah's cheese was anything like his wet bottom shoo-fly pie, this wasn't going to work out well at all.

It wasn't Noah's fault he couldn't make a decent pie. He had so many other talents, and he was so perfect and so beautiful, making a pie was the last thing that mattered to Filbert. But he didn't want Noah to be embarrassed in front of the entire town, so he needed to sneak into the kitchen and taste the cheese to see if it was as awful at the wet bottom shoo-fly pie had been. If it was awful, he would fix it and make it better and never tell anyone.

He opened the cooler, pulled out the cheese, and set it on the counter. He stared at it for a moment, and then he reached for a butter knife they used to make roast pork sandwiches at lunchtime. He scooped a small amount of butter cheese onto the knife and stared at it again. It was early. He didn't care for any food that early in the morning, and he remembered Noah's pie. He didn't want to wind up gagging on the cheese.

This was important, though. He had to taste it before Noah entered it into the competition. So he held his breath, stuck out his tongue, and licked the cheese off the knife in one big gulp.

As he swallowed, the lights went on and he heard someone walking toward him. "What are you doing?"

He turned and saw Noah standing there.

"Good morning," Filbert said. "I just got hungry. I thought I'd have some cheese."

Noah tilted his head to the side. "Are you sure? You never eat anything in the morning."

Filbert nodded. "I wanted to go over a few things in the office before the day started, and then I got so hungry I couldn't control myself. I figured I'd just take a little taste of cheese and no one would know."

Noah walked over to where he was standing and looked down at the counter. "Well you're eating the cheese I'm entering in the competition."

"Oh really?" Noah said. "I didn't know that was your cheese?"

"Well now that you've tasted it, what do you think of it? Be honest."

Filbert took another small taste and smacked his lips a few times. "You know, it's actually pretty good." It really was good, creamy and soft, with a hint of sweetness, and he'd never felt more relieved in his life. "I think this is one of the best butter cheeses I've ever had. How on earth did you do this?"

Noah smiled. "It's the love. That's all. Now put my cheese back so I have something to enter in the competition today."

"Okay," Filbert said. He covered the cheese and set it back on a shelf in the cooler.

"I don't expect to win," Noah said. "I'm sure there will be better butter cheeses entered."

"Then why did you bother?"

"I wanted to be part of something," Noah said.

"You did a wonderful job. I wish I were half as strong as you. Nothing seems to bring you down."

"I think you're stronger. You're one of the strongest men I've ever known. You just don't realize it."

Filbert laughed. He didn't feel very strong at that moment. "I'm not sure what I am anymore."

"I'm heading out to the stables for a long ride," Noah said. "It's my last ride before I go home tomorrow. Then I'll be back and we can head over to the town square around noon."

"Have you talked to your folks since last night?" Filbert asked.

"Not yet," Noah said. "I'll call them and tell them to meet us in town."

The dinner last night with his parents had been mostly uneventful. Even though both sets of parents were different, they got along unusually well in spite of those differences. Noah's mom and Filbert's mom found they had quilts in common. Nancy knew a lot of history about colonial American quilts and she asked Filbert's mom questions about Amish quilts. Edwin talked about business and the farm market with Filbert's dad. There wasn't a lull in conversation all night. The only awkward moment of the entire evening turned out to be when Noah's phone went off with an alert. Noah glanced at his phone, looked around at everyone, and said, "Sorry. That was my Twitter. Somebody retweeted me. I turned it off. I won't tweet from the table."

"Would you like me to come with you on your ride?" Filbert asked. Noah had been there all summer and they hadn't ridden the horses together once.

Noah moved closer and kissed him on the lips. "I'd rather go alone. This is my last ride and I'd like to do it alone. I'm going to miss my morning rides, and I'm going to miss the peace and quiet a lot more than I thought I would."

Filbert grabbed him and held him. "I'm going to miss you. Why don't you stay. Don't go back to New York. Stay here and we can continue on as we have all summer. Nothing has to change. It's the perfect arrangement."

"I've thought about that," Noah said. "But we both know that wouldn't work. I don't want an arrangement. I want an authentic life. I'm an openly gay man, both here and everywhere else I go. You're a closeted gay man and I'm not going back into the closet again for anyone. Besides, people would figure us out sooner or later."

"You know I can't come out. You know my circumstances."

Noah nodded. "Yes. And I understand them. I would never force you to come out. That's up to you. But I can't live that way forever. I've learned a lot since I've been here. It's been one of the best experiences of my life, and I think I'm ready to go back to New York and do things a little differently. Part of that is because of you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my life."

"But you don't mind leaving me here," Filbert said.

"That's not fair," Noah said. "It's killing me. The thought of not seeing you every day makes me physically sick. It's going to take me a long time to get over you once I get home. I'm prepared for that. Just please don't try to make me feel guilty because of your circumstances. I don't know much, and I don't believe in pressuring anyone to come out of the closet, but I also know one thing for certain."

"What's that?"

"I have never met anyone who came out of the closet and regretted it."

"How many other Amish gay men do you know?"

"None. But you could come back with me. I have enough money for both of us. We could start a business. I've been thinking about that lately. We could open a cheese store in Manhattan, with a focus on your special Amish cheddar. I know we'd make money. There's nothing like it in New York. We could offer cheese making lessons, have a raclette bar and grill, and do special events. The possibilities are endless. Everyone loves good cheese. I think we could even get a TV show of our own. We're good together, Filbert, and that doesn't happen often."

Filbert smiled. "It's a nice thought." He never mentioned the money he'd been saving all those years. It didn't seem to matter.

Noah shrugged. "I know. You don't have to say anything else. I'm prepared to leave here alone."

Then Noah kissed him again, and he turned to leave. He didn't glance back either. He continued toward the back exit with his hands in his pockets and his head down, not defeated but resigned. Filbert stood there watching him until the door closed. This is what it would be like when Noah left for good. He was hoping Noah might turn around and come running back to him. He wanted Noah to change his mind, to stay on the farm, and spend the rest of his life there. As much as he wanted this, he knew it would never happen. Noah had a huge trust fund and he didn't need to work at the farm market. He could do whatever he wanted and live a full and happy life. He could go back to school, he could open his own cheese business, or he could go into his dad's real estate business and fit right in with all the other happy, comfortable English people. He didn't have that Amish guilt hanging over his head, and he would never know what it was like to be shunned.