Tuesday started off slowly, and I welcomed the chance to decelerate a bit. Mother had stayed the night, sleeping in my bed while I took the couch. It felt odd to have her there, but I liked it.
She suggested that Charity and I could move into her house once Father had cleared out, but I put her off. Noah was right. As impossible as it sounded, I had to pray that God would touch Father’s heart and bring him home. I would also pray that the man who returned would be the husband my mother had once loved. A man I couldn’t remember at all. And even though I appreciated her offer, I’d grown to love our apartment and didn’t want to leave. Of course, Charity would be horrified if we moved into the house with the “bad potty,” so for now, we would stay put.
Things picked up around lunch. A little after two o’clock, Hope came in, and she brought Leah Burkholder with her. It was wonderful to see her after all these years. I would have known her in an instant. She had been a plain little girl and had grown into a plain young woman. But the intelligence in her eyes and the way she spoke made her the kind of person people felt drawn to. I had no doubt she was a wonderful teacher, and could see immediately why the children loved her. I told her I planned to enroll Charity after the Christmas break if we were still in town. Leah had a cup of coffee and then left, needing to get back to the school.
“She’s so much more confident than she was as a child,” I told Hope when Leah had gone.
Hope nodded. “Leah came into her own when she began teaching. I believe it is because she discovered the gifts God placed inside her. When we find our destiny, it gives us confidence. . . . But not in ourselves—it is in God, who puts us where we are supposed to be and gives us what we need to succeed.” She sighed. “I must admit that I’m still looking for my special place, but I have put my desire in the Father’s hands. I’m waiting for His leading.”
I could relate to that. Once again I remembered the voice that had told me to come to Kingdom. I was convinced that Clay hadn’t shown up here by accident. Surely it was part of God’s greater plan to bring us back together. Only time would tell if I was right.
“Besides bringing Leah to talk to you about the school, I wanted to tell you that the elders went to your father last night in an attempt to heal the wounds caused by our recent vote. When they got to the house, your father refused to talk to them. He told them he was leaving in the morning and asked them to let your mother know he’d purchased a horse and buggy from Avery Menninger. He’s leaving Blackie and their buggy behind so she won’t be without transportation.”
“Wow. It’s hard to believe he thought enough about Mother to do that,” I said. “But it will certainly make life easier for her.”
“I’m sorry he’s leaving, Lizzie. I pray he’ll be all right. He seems to be a man who needs a wife to care for him.”
I could have told her it was my mother who’d asked him to go, but I decided that wouldn’t be wise. There might be people in the church who would give her a hard time about it, and she didn’t need that kind of pressure. “He did have a wife who cared for him, Hope. Problem was, he couldn’t do the same for her.”
She was silent for a moment before asking, “Do you know where he’ll go?”
“I have no idea. He said something about moving farther out into the country, where he wouldn’t have to be around people. That should suit him just fine. He has a hard time getting along with other human beings, you know.”
“What a lonely life. I feel so sorry for him.” The sincerity in her eyes made me feel a little ashamed. She seemed to have more sympathy for my father than I did.
“He brought all this on himself, don’t you think?” I asked a little defensively. “I mean, my mother did everything she could to make him happy, but he refused to show her even the slightest kindness.”
She looked surprised. “I’m sure you know more about your parents than I do. But I used to watch him help her out of their carriage before and after church services. He seemed so . . . solicitous. Every time there was a church dinner, he would insist on getting her plate so she wouldn’t have to wait in line. And when it rained, he would bring the buggy as close to the building as possible to save her from getting wet.”
“Of course he did all those things in front of church people, Hope. After all, he valued his position as an elder. But at home he ruled like a tyrant, and if I repeated the things he’s said to me and my mother . . . Well, you wouldn’t believe them.”
She reached over and rested her hand on my arm. “I’m really sorry, Lizzie. I know it wasn’t easy. But people are rarely one-sided. Your father must have good traits. Every child of God has a part of His Spirit inside him, pulling him toward goodness. Anyway, that’s what I’ve observed.” She laughed lightly and removed her hand. “Of course, here I am in Kingdom, seeing little of the outside world. Forgive me for speaking foolishly, will you?”
“I’m sure there’s truth in what you say, it’s just that . . . I don’t know. I guess it’s hard for me to see any good traits in my father.” I sighed. “My mother says his life was very hard growing up. My grandfather may have been even harsher than Father.”
She nodded. “I imagine it has made relationships difficult for him.”
I felt myself flush with irritation. “Well, he made my life hard, but you don’t see me mistreating my family and trying to toss Pastor Mendenhall out of the church.”
Hope’s light complexion paled. “I’ve upset you. Again, I apologize. Perhaps I should go.”
“Please, Hope, don’t leave. I’m the one who should be apologizing. My emotions are very raw when it comes to Father. I’m trying hard to forgive him, and it’s taking a toll on me. I don’t mean to take it out on you. Your friendship is extremely valuable to me, and I have no intention of letting anything come between us. Especially my father. I’ll think about what you said. I really will. It means more than I can say to have a friend who will speak candidly with me. Thank you.” I smiled at her. “Now, I insist you try a piece of the banana bread I made this morning. It’s so good it will put color in your cheeks.”
She laughed. “I’m told I could use some roses in my cheeks, so I will gladly try a slice. Perhaps with a cup of your wonderful coffee?”
“You got it.”
Before I could get up, a young man came in through the front door. He was tall and dark haired, with bright blue eyes and a walk that commanded attention. He strode over to our table and stuck his hand out.
“Hello, I’m Jonathon Wiese,” he said without taking his eyes off Hope. “My family moved to Kingdom a couple of years ago. I heard Matthew and Anna’s daughter was back in town.” He finally shifted his gaze to me. “I wanted to meet you and tell you how pleased I am that you’re back.”
“Well, thank you, Jonathon. I had no idea there were new families in town.”
His smile revealed perfectly even teeth that were so white they gleamed. “Believe it or not, there are several of us. I hope our influence will be felt in the church. I’m glad to see we’re moving toward change, although I regret your father felt the need to leave. I’m sure he’s convinced he’s doing the right thing, but we have no choice except to move forward. We must alter the things that separate us from the grace of God. Don’t you agree?”
Hope smiled at me. “Jonathon is a revisionist, Lizzie. He believes our church must adjust its stodgy ways if we are to keep our relevance. I must say that I agree with most of what he says.”
Jonathon flashed his flawless teeth at Hope. “So there are some points you don’t agree with, Sister Hope? Perhaps we could spend some time discussing them. I value your opinion.”
It would have been obvious to a blind man that Jonathon was interested in much more than just Hope’s view of church doctrine. Feeling like a third wheel, I excused myself. The two of them barely noticed I’d left. I had to wonder if their relationship was a threat to Hope’s arranged marriage with Ebbie. Jonathon seemed so self-assured and dynamic, whereas Ebbie was quiet and shy. But since it wasn’t any of my business, I cut some banana bread for Hope, asked Callie to make sure she had coffee, and got back to work.
Mother watched Charity all afternoon. I told her more than once that she could leave whenever she wanted to, but I sensed she was afraid to run into Father, even though I shared with her what Hope had said.
I was in the kitchen preparing the evening special, chicken and noodles, when Callie came rushing into the kitchen.
“Lizzie, it’s the sheriff. He wants to see you.”
Mother cried out, and my heart felt as if it would burst. Was this it? Had he come for me? In that moment, I realized I may have been terribly foolish to remain in Kingdom. With Clay’s money, Charity and I could have already been far away. But the voice that drew me to Kingdom had promised me everything would be okay. If that voice truly belonged to God, I could be secure in His promise. I squared my shoulders and followed Callie into the dining room, trying to look confident even though I didn’t feel that way. Sheriff Ford sat at a table in the corner. Except for a man I didn’t know who was drinking coffee and reading a book, the room was empty.
“You wanted to see me, Sheriff?” I asked, trying to keep the apprehension out of my voice.
“Yes, Miss Engel. The autopsy came back on that dead man in the ditch.”
“I don’t understand, Sheriff. Why tell me about it?”
He shrugged. “I heard the owner of this place was outta town, and you were in charge. Seemed like the best way to spread the word would be through a public joint like this. I mean, most of the town’s people come through here, don’t they?” He scowled at me. “Any reason not to tell you?”
“No. Sorry, Sheriff. That makes perfect sense.” I heard my mother come out of the kitchen and stand behind me. I felt her hand on my shoulder. “Please, go on.”
He leaned against the nearest table and crossed his arms. “Well, the doc in Washington ruled the death an accident, mostly because he couldn’t prove it was anything else. Seems the wound to the dead guy’s head coulda been caused by fallin’ down that ravine and landin’ on the rocks. So we’re through with our inquiry into this matter.” He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a small notebook.
“Do . . . do you have any idea what he was doing out here?” I tried to keep my voice steady, but my nervousness was obvious.
The sheriff frowned at me. “Could be anything. Maybe he came here to hunt. We get all kinds of yahoos out here this time of year.” He scribbled something in his notebook. “I don’t got time to figure out why this guy was in the area. We’re callin’ it an accident, so my part in this is done. That’s all I care about.”
“Did you at least find out who he was?”
The sheriff nodded and scanned his notes. “His name was Dave Parsons. Retired from the water company. A real loner who fancied himself a part-time private eye.” Ford snorted. “Lotsa nuts out there think they know how to do the job of a professional. ’Course all they usually end up investigatin’ is cheatin’ spouses and crud like that. Could be that’s why he was out this way, but we’ll never know, I guess.
“Police went through his apartment, but there wasn’t nothin’ there. No notes, no computer, nothin’ helpful. No way for anyone to know why he was so far from home.” He closed the notebook and stuck it back in his pocket. “Only livin’ relative is a sister in Florida who hasn’t seen him in years. We’re releasin’ the body to her. She wasn’t too happy about bein’ responsible for him, but that’s her problem.”
He pushed away from the table and stood with his hands on his hips. “You folks got any questions?”
I shook my head. “Thank you for coming by, Sheriff. And we’ll make sure everyone knows that Mr. Parsons’ death was an accident. I’m sure it will help folks to feel safer.”
“That’s my intention. Mind you, I still think you’re all a little wacky out here, but you deserve to know there ain’t no crazed killer runnin’ around knockin’ people off.”
I almost burst out laughing at his comment. The sheriff had to get in one last word about the town even when he was trying to apologize. What a character. “Thanks, again. And have a good day.”
“You too.” With that he was gone. Did the doctor’s ruling mean my worries about the man in the red cap were over? I wanted to feel relief that his death had been deemed accidental, but it was clear that the sheriff’s main interest was getting the case off his hands. What about the truth? There was no way I could believe with certainty that Dave Parsons wasn’t killed by someone else. And if his death wasn’t an accident, what did that mean? Discovering that Parsons was a part-time detective confirmed my suspicion that he’d been following me. That seemed to point directly to Reba. Unfortunately, I still couldn’t be sure, and I couldn’t assume that I was actually in the clear. At least knowing the police hadn’t found anything to connect Parsons to me made me feel a little more secure. For now, anyway.
“Can I talk to you?” Mother asked.
“Sure.”
I started to follow her to the kitchen when I realized that Callie hadn’t been working when the sheriff first visited. She looked upset.
“Had you heard about the man who died?” I asked her.
She nodded. “News spreads through Kingdom pretty fast. I just can’t help feeling bad for him. The dead man, I mean. Sounds like he didn’t have anyone. No one to mourn his passing.” Her eyes were shiny with tears.
I was touched by her tender heart. “It is sad. But you’re mourning his death, Callie. I’m sure he’d appreciate it.”
“I guess you’re right. I hope so.” She turned away to check on our only customer, who looked somewhat stunned by the drama from the sheriff’s visit.
While Callie warmed up the man’s coffee, I joined my mother in the kitchen.
“So what does this mean?” she asked when the door closed behind me.
“I honestly don’t know, Mother.” I kept my voice low, so Charity wouldn’t overhear us. “At least I don’t have to worry about him anymore. However, it now seems even more likely that someone hired him to tail me.” I shook my head. “I feel like I’m trying to put a puzzle together that’s missing several of the pieces. Something’s wrong with this whole picture, but I can’t put my finger on what it is.”
Mother took my hands in hers. “I truly believe God brought you here, Daughter. If you can trust Him to work it out, you will be at peace. I know in my heart that somehow everything will be all right.”
I looked into my mother’s eyes and saw the love she had for me. She was speaking from the deepest part of her soul, and it brought me a feeling of assurance. “I’m doing my best to trust Him, Mother. I’ve been mad at God for a long time, but I’ve had to confront the reality that I alone caused all my problems. Through it all, He just kept loving me. The least I can do is to have a little faith in Him now.”
“We are both clinging to the Rock, Lizzie,” she said in hushed tones. “And each other.” She kissed me on the cheek and went out into the dining room.
I stood next to the sink, trying to gather my thoughts. I’d been trying to figure out what to do to protect me and my daughter ever since Kansas City. As I’d told my mother, I had the distinct feeling my life had become a giant picture puzzle with several vital pieces missing. I certainly wasn’t omniscient, and the truth was that only God knew what was going on. He was the only one who could add the missing parts. I had no idea what to do now. Stay? Go? Wait? I didn’t have the answers.
I took a deep breath. “God,” I whispered, “you know me better than anyone. You know how wrong I’ve been, and it seems you’ve forgiven me, even though I certainly didn’t deserve it. I thank you for that. I have no idea what my next step should be. All I know to do is to trust you to lead me. If you tell me to go back to Kansas City and face Reba’s lies, I’ll go. If I’m supposed to just stay here, I’ll stay. But until I hear from you, I’m not moving.
“Since Clay came back, I’ve been wondering if he’s here so Charity can finally have a father. If this is what you want, God, then I’ll do it. You know I have feelings for Noah, but he’s not Charity’s father. More than anything, I want my daughter to be happy. If that means moving forward with Clay, then that’s what I’ll do. I’m counting on you to show me your will and to protect Charity and me. My future is in your hands, Lord. It’s all I have to give you. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
Already feeling my load was lighter, I hurried to begin meal preparations. The Tuesday night special was fried catfish, and I needed to get it breaded and ready for the fryer. I’d almost forgotten that Clay was coming that evening, so when Callie announced his arrival, it took me by surprise. I’d promised to close early so we could spend the evening together. I hadn’t realized then that my mother would be staying with me, but as I was lowering the first fish into the bubbling oil, she announced that she was going home after we closed.
“I love being here,” she said, “but I must confess that I miss my home. And I must make certain Blackie has been fed.”
“I think that’s wise,” I told her. “But any time you feel lonely, you come back and spend time with Charity and me. Our door is always open.”
She smiled. “As is mine, Daughter.”
I gave her a big hug, and then she went to round up Charity, who was visiting with Callie in the dining room. Mother and Charity came back into the kitchen, and Mother informed me that Callie had offered to drive her home in her buggy after work. I was relieved to know she wouldn’t be walking. The temperatures were still extremely frigid.
I stopped by Clay’s table and found a bouquet of red roses waiting for me. “Oh my. I’ve never gotten roses before. Thank you so much.”
He chuckled. “You’re blushing, Lizzie. I’d like to buy you roses every day just so I could see you look like that.”
He was so handsome, wearing a white sweater that highlighted his hair and eyes. “Let me get you something to drink,” I said, smiling. “We’re not that busy tonight, so I should be able to close soon.”
“Thanks. Coffee would be fine.”
I nodded and was headed for the kitchen when I saw Ruth and her daughter giving Callie their supper order. I hurried over to say hello.
“Liebling,” Ruth said, smiling, “I so hoped I would see you this evening. I heard about Cora. There is no one I know who is more capable of keeping the restaurant going than you.”
I laughed. “Well, it’s only my second day, so I don’t think I can brag on myself yet. But so far so good. I’m just praying that her sister recovers quickly. Unfortunately, her condition sounds very serious.”
“Yes, I am afraid you are right. But we know our God is a God of healing, ja? So I will keep praying for His very best.”
I leaned over and gave her a quick hug. “If I’m ever sick, you’re the person I want praying for me.”
“That’s the way I feel too,” Myra said with a smile. She looked past me and frowned. “Lizzie, who is that handsome young man you were talking to? He doesn’t look familiar.”
“Why, that’s Clay Troyer. He used to live in Washington.”
Ruth’s eyes grew big. “Lizzie, is this not the man who . . . I mean . . .”
“Yes, he’s Charity’s father,” I said quietly. “He came to town the other day looking for me, offering to help support his daughter.” Those feelings of rejection and the fear of people’s censure I’d felt after Charity was born came rushing back, even though I knew Ruth loved me.
“Why, he looks like a very nice man,” Myra said, giving her mother a quick look.
Ruth smiled. “I am sorry, liebling. Perhaps my surprise at seeing him here caused me to act inappropriately. He certainly does look like a pleasant fellow.”
I wasn’t sure how Clay would feel about being called a “pleasant fellow,” but at least the awkward moment had passed. It was silly of me to fear Ruth’s disapproval. She was the one person who had always believed in me. “He really is,” I said. “He brought me roses. No one ever gave me roses before.”
Myra clapped her hands together with glee. “They’re beautiful, Lizzie. You’re a lucky girl.”
Ruth just smiled and nodded but didn’t say anything.
“I’ve got to run,” I said, “but why don’t we all get together for dinner soon? Hopefully Cora will be back before long.”
“That would be lovely,” Myra said. “Just let us know when your schedule eases up.”
“Yes, liebling,” Ruth said. “I will bake those white coconut cookies for you. And for Charity.”
Myra opened her purse and grabbed a piece of paper. “Here’s my phone number, Lizzie. You can call me anytime, and I’ll get a message to Mom.”
“You have a phone?” I asked, although I wasn’t completely surprised. Myra and her husband, Charles, were rather free spirits. Although Myra dressed modestly, she didn’t wear a prayer covering unless she was going to church. And on the farm she wore overalls while she worked. I’d always admired her ability to be her own person.
She laughed warmly. “Yes, we have a phone and a truck. There’s no way I’m driving a buggy all the way from the farm to pick up Mom. It would take me forever to get back and forth.”
“Ruth, you ride in Myra’s truck?” I was stunned. My father wouldn’t get into a gas-powered vehicle if God himself came down and ordered him to.
She nodded. “Ja. Seeing my daughter is more important to me than our mode of transportation. You will notice a few motor vehicles around Kingdom now. They are vital to many of our people. Especially our farmers. The Houslers own two of them, and Noah and Levi are now elders in the church.”
“Wow. And you approve of an elder owning a motor vehicle?”
She laughed. “Ach, Lizzie. Have they not driven tractors all along? Is this so different? I do not think so.” She smiled at the expression on my face. “See, I am not as conventional as you imagined.”
I chuckled. “I guess not.”
“Myra is trying to talk me into a telephone,” she said. “She believes it will provide me more protection if I should need help.” She grinned mischievously. “We will see. So far, the Great Protector has done a pretty good job caring for me.” She reached over and patted my arm. “I can hardly wait until we can get together again.”
“Me either.” I said good-bye to her and Myra and rushed back to the kitchen.
Except for Friday nights, most of the folks in Kingdom liked to eat early, so by six thirty most of our customers were already filing out. I flipped the Open sign over and prepared to close. While Callie took care of the people who were still eating, I got to work on my own dinner. Within a short time I had three plates of chicken-fried steak, mashed potatoes with gravy, and green beans with bacon ready to go.
I took Charity to the bathroom downstairs because I didn’t want Clay to see her before I cleaned her up some. I washed her face and hands and carefully brushed her hair. She looked adorable in her dark blue pinafore and white blouse. It was a small miracle that she’d managed to stay tidy.
I checked myself out in the mirror. The hot steam from the kitchen had given my shoulder-length hair even more curl than usual, as well as added some color to my cheeks. As I stared at my image, I worried that Charity might notice the similarity between herself and Clay. But I consoled myself with the knowledge that, at her age, it would probably never occur to her. I certainly didn’t want to tell her the truth. Not yet, anyway.
By the time I reached the top of the stairs, Mother and Callie were waiting for me. I hugged Mother good-bye and thanked Callie for taking her home. After they left, I took our plates out of the oven, where I’d put them to keep them warm, and transferred them to a large tray designed for carrying more than one meal at a time. I intended to be very careful to avoid the bump in the rug. There was no way I was going to repeat my shameful performance from yesterday.
“Mama, who is that man out there?” Charity asked after peeking around the corner and looking out into the dining room.
“He’s a friend of mine. From a long, long time ago, Cherry Bear. He wants to meet you, and I want you to be very nice to him. Can you do that for Mama?”
She nodded solemnly. “Is he a good man or a bad man?”
I smiled at her. “He’s a good man, honey. You don’t need to worry about him.”
“He won’t yell like Grandpa?”
“No, he won’t yell like Grandpa.” I knelt down in front of her. “Cherry Bear, Grandpa is a very sad man. Sometimes when people are sad, they get angry, like Grandpa did. But that just means we need to pray really hard for him.”
She looked at me quizzically. “Will you pray with me sometime, Mama?”
Shame rolled through me. Because of my bad attitude toward God, I’d never prayed with my little girl. “Yes, I will. Tonight before we go to bed. But now let’s have dinner with Mr. Troyer.”
“Toyer?” she repeated.
“No, it’s Troyer.”
A couple more attempts made it clear the first r in Clay’s last name wasn’t going to make an appearance that evening. “Well, maybe you can just call him Clay.”
Charity screwed up her face as if thinking this over. “If I call him Clay, will I still be ladylike?”
“Ladylike? Where did you hear that word?”
She shook her head, causing her dark curls to bounce. Then she bent closer, as if she was telling me a secret. “Grandma told me that when I wear a dress I have to be careful not to show my underwear. It’s not ladylike.”
I tried to suppress a grin. “And did you show your underwear?”
She sighed and threw her arms up in a sign of surrender. “Well, I guess I did. But my back itched really bad, and I had to do something about it, didn’t I?”
“Yes, I think that was probably an emergency. Maybe the next time your back itches you can tell me, and I’ll scratch it for you. And Grandma’s right, it’s probably best if you don’t show your underwear.”
She rolled her eyes. “Well, I know that now.”
I laughed and hugged her close. “Cherry Bear, you are the most wonderful person I’ve ever known. Do you realize how much I love you?”
“Yes, Mama. I do.”
I let her go and smiled. “Good. I want you to always be sure I love you. And I always will, you know.”
“Forever and ever?” she asked, grinning.
“Yes, forever and ever.” I stood up. “Now, are you ready to have dinner with Mr . . . I mean, Clay?”
She nodded. “Yes, let’s go!”
I took her by the hand and led her out to the dining room. Clay may have gotten a quick glance once, when my mother was ushering her upstairs, but as far as I knew, this would be his first good look at Charity. As we approached the table where he sat, I noticed his eyes focused on her as if there weren’t anyone else in the room. When we got closer I realized they were wet with tears.
“Clay, I’d like you to meet Charity,” I said, trying to keep my voice level. “And Charity, this is Mr. Troyer.” I smiled at Clay. “We have a little trouble with the letter r, so if you don’t mind, can she call you Clay?”
“I would be absolutely honored,” he said. “Charity, you’re very beautiful, just like your mama.”
My daughter seemed to suddenly turn shy. “Thank you,” she whispered. She hung back, half hiding behind me.
“Why don’t you sit down with Clay while I get our food?” I said, pulling her around, lifting her up to a chair, and getting her settled. “I’ll be right back. Why don’t you tell Clay about the pictures you drew today?”
I turned and left, hoping her shyness would disappear. It was important to me that Clay see how bright she was. I needn’t have worried. It only took a couple of questions from Clay to get her wound up. I could hear her beginning to jabber as I went into the kitchen to fetch the tray with our plates. While carrying it to the table, I cautiously avoided the dangerous bump in the rug. By the time I got back, Clay was laughing heartily at something Charity had said. It felt strange to see them together, even beginning to bond.
“Chicken-fried steak?” Clay said when I put the plates down. “Wow, I haven’t had chicken-fried steak in a long, long time. One of my very favorite foods in the whole world.”
“Me too,” Charity said, never taking her eyes from his face.
I could have pointed out that she’d only had chicken-fried steak one other time, but I kept my mouth shut.
I gave in to Charity’s plea for pop and also brought a coffeepot to the table for Clay and me. Dinner went by quickly as Charity gave Clay the rundown about everything that had happened since she’d come to town. He got an earful. From my mother’s “bad potty” to meeting a man who looked just like Prince Phillip from Sleeping Beauty. Clay glanced over at me during this particular part of Charity’s recitation, and I tried to look innocent, but I could feel my cheeks burn. Thankfully, he didn’t ask any questions, and we soon moved past the uncomfortable topic and on to something safer. Charity began to regale him with all the foods she’d helped Miss Cora prepare.
“You’ll be running the restaurant by yourself before long,” Clay said, his eyes crinkled with humor.
Charity considered this idea. “I think I might be able to,” she said after a brief pause. “It’s really not too hard. Alls you gotta do is drop stuff into grease or flip things over on the grill. But I’d hafta get a tall chair. I can’t reach most things in the kitchen, you know.”
Clay shook his head. “No, I didn’t know that. You look pretty big to me.”
She grinned at him. “Thank you. I’m really much taller than I look.”
Clay laughed. “You know, I’ve always felt the same way.”
I brought out cherry cobbler for dessert. After we finished, I told Charity it was time for bed. She could barely keep her eyes open.
“But I don’t wanna go to bed, Mama,” she whined. “We have company, and I wanna stay downstairs.”
“You should mind your mother,” Clay said sharply. “Bad little girls don’t get presents from Santa, you know.”
I frowned at him as Charity’s eyes grew large, and her small bottom lip stuck out in a pout. “I’m not a bad little girl,” she said, hurt in her voice.
“No, you’re certainly not,” I said. I stood up and took her hand. “Come on, we’re going upstairs.” I could feel anger rising inside me, though I tried to keep myself composed.
Clay cleared his throat. “I . . . I’m sorry, Charity,” he said, stumbling over his words. “I know you’re not a bad girl. Will you forgive me for saying that? I just wasn’t thinking.”
She stared at him for a moment. Finally she smiled. “It’s okay. Sometimes I don’t think either. We all make mistakes. Mama says that all the time.”
“Yes, I do,” I said quickly, attempting to keep my temper in check. “Now let’s go, young lady.”
I made her say good-night to Clay and took her upstairs to bed, still stinging over Clay’s words. He had no right to say something like that to Charity. Perhaps she was his child too, but he wasn’t raising her. I was. I intended to confront him when I went back downstairs.
After tucking Charity into bed, I said, “Honey, Clay hasn’t been around many little girls. He didn’t mean what he said. Some adults just don’t know how to talk to children.”
She sighed, as if dealing with grown-ups were the bane of her existence. “I know that, Mama. Grown-ups say really silly things sometimes. Like Grandpa.”
I smiled at her. “Yes, just like Grandpa. Do you still want to pray for him?”
She nodded solemnly. “Yes, and for Clay too.”
I found it ironic that we were praying for my father as well as for her father, even though Charity had no idea who Clay really was. Charity’s prayer was sweet and childlike. She simply asked God to help her grandpa to “not be sad anymore,” and to teach Clay “all about little girls.” By the time I returned to the dining room, Clay had cleared our table.
“You didn’t have to do that,” I said.
“Yes, I did.” He shook his head. “I’m so sorry, Lizzie. Guess I was channeling my dad. He used to talk to me that way all the time. It just popped out.” He gazed into my eyes. “Please forgive me. It won’t happen again.”
“All right, Clay. As long as you never make another comment like that to Charity. Even when she’s acting badly, I never call her bad.”
“You’re totally right. I wasn’t raised in a home that was very affirming or supportive. I’m so glad Charity is being brought up differently. You’re a wonderful mother, Lizzie.”
I shook my head. “I’m not sure about that, but I try. I love Charity with all my heart.”
“Am I forgiven?”
“Yes. As long as we understand each other about Charity.”
He held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. “You’re the boss. I’ll work at keeping my dad’s voice out of my head and his words out of my mouth.”
“Thanks.” The remnants of my previous anger melted away. If anyone understood the echoes of a parent’s disapproving words, it was me. “And thank you again for clearing the table. It was very thoughtful.”
He grinned. “After that great dinner? It was my pleasure.” He patted his flat stomach. “That’s the best meal I’ve had in a long, long time. I don’t cook, and neither does my mother. After Dad died, she decided she’d fixed all the meals she was going to.”
“Well, I can’t blame her. I guess when you’re alone it’s a relief not having to cook anymore.”
“I guess so, but sometimes I wish she’d venture into the kitchen again for me. Even on holidays we go out to restaurants. I miss the family dinners we used to have.”
“You still have other family, don’t you, Clay? I remember that there were some aunts and uncles.”
He sighed and shook his head. “After my father died, Mom cut everyone off. She’s become something of a hermit. It’s obvious she’s really hurting, Lizzie. She keeps it all inside, but she’s different than she used to be. Kinder but sadder. I’ve tried my best to make her happy. Unfortunately, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just not enough. As hard a man as my dad was, she loved him. And I think she counted on him too.” He shrugged. “Maybe having security was even more important to her than love. I don’t know.”
I reached over and touched his arm. “I’m sorry, Clay. I really am.”
He put his hand over mine. “Thank you. I really appreciate that. My parents weren’t kind to you, Lizzie. Wish I’d known what was going on at the time. When my mother finally told me about their offer, I was absolutely horrified.”
“I . . . I assumed they were acting for you,” I said softly. “I had no idea. . . .”
He let go of my hand and picked up his coffee cup. “I know I didn’t handle things the right way, but I must say I’m still surprised you could believe that. I thought you knew me better. In fact, I thought you loved me. Was I wrong?”
I shook my head. “No, you weren’t wrong. But after your parents tried to pay me to have an abortion and I didn’t hear a word from you, I assumed it had all been an act.”
“So I could get what I wanted?”
I stared down at the table, too embarrassed to look at him. I could only nod.
Clay let out a deep breath. “I guess I can see why you came to that conclusion. After you got pregnant, I disappeared. I sure wish you would have had more faith in me, though.”
“I do too, Clay. I wasn’t a very secure person. My father—”
“I know. He didn’t treat you very well, did he?”
“No. Maybe I judged you by his standards. I can see now what a big mistake that was.”
He waved a hand in the air. “Don’t apologize to me. The truth is, none of it was your fault. I took advantage of you and caused the entire mess. It shouldn’t have happened.”
“You’re right. It shouldn’t have happened, but I’m certainly glad to have Charity. So something good came out of it.”
He smiled. “She’s beautiful, Lizzie. You’ve done a wonderful job with her. I’m sure it hasn’t been easy raising her alone.”
“It hasn’t, but being her mother is the most important thing in my life. She’s given me so much joy. I don’t know what I’d do without her.”
He sipped his coffee and then put the cup down. “You never did tell me why you came back to Kingdom. I was certainly surprised to find out you were here.”
I hesitated. Should I tell him the truth? I looked into his face and saw something there that made me remember how I used to feel about him. How much I’d loved him. Slowly but surely the entire story tumbled out. About the threatening notes, the man in the red cap, Reba, running from Kansas City to Kingdom. Everything. Even things I hadn’t told my mother. When I finished, I felt better, as if sharing my burden had cleansed me, but I was also a little terrified of having made myself so vulnerable.
“Oh, Lizzie,” Clay said, reaching out for my hand. “I hate to think of you going through all of this by yourself. What can I do?”
“There’s nothing anyone can do. I’ve put it in God’s hands. I didn’t take that money, and I had nothing to do with that man’s death. God will have to defend me, I guess. I plan to raise my daughter and not worry about what might happen next.”
He smiled and squeezed my hand. “I think that’s the best thing you can do. I’m proud of you.” He frowned as he stared at our hands, fingers intertwined. “My father had business partners in Kansas City. Some of them have good connections into the political goings-on there. Would you let me ask them to find out what’s happening in regard to these trumped-up charges?”
“I want to know what’s going on, Clay, I really do. But what if their inquiry leads back here? I haven’t decided what I want to do about this situation yet.”
“Nothing will go wrong, Lizzie. Trust me. These are the kind of people who wouldn’t do anything to put you in danger. They’re very discreet. Long-term friends of the family.”
I mulled it over. Not knowing was almost worse than the original threat. If the charges had been dropped, Charity and I would be free. I decided the chance was worth taking. “Okay,” I said slowly. “But please tell them to be very careful.”
“I will. Don’t worry.”
Clay pulled my hand up and kissed it lightly. “If I’d been with you, none of this would have happened. You wouldn’t have had to run away. I’m to blame for everything.”
“No,” I said firmly. “You’re not. I see that now.” I shook my head. “Since coming back here, I’ve realized a lot of things. My father planted a seed of insecurity in me that gave me a wrong view of my life, and of so many people. Maybe I had no way to know what was going on with you, but I immediately jumped to the wrong conclusion when you moved away. If I’d been a little more self-confident, I probably would have tried to contact you for an explanation. Instead, I just assumed the worst. That you didn’t care.”
He stroked my arm lightly, causing goose bumps to pop out all over my skin. “You made a very logical conclusion, Lizzie. Frankly, we both made mistakes. After we buried my father, I should have come back here in person, not relied on letters as a way of contact. My mother might have wanted me by her side, but she would have been all right for a week or two. I put her above us. Above you. Above my daughter. And that was wrong.” He blinked back tears. “I’ve missed out on so much. I’ll never get those years back.”
“Maybe we both need to stop blaming ourselves,” I said gently. “Isn’t it time to move on?”
He took both my hands in his. As I looked into his eyes, I had the strange sensation of falling off a cliff. The emotions I once felt for him flooded back.
“Lizzie, I know this will seem sudden, but it isn’t. Not really. I want what we should have had all this time. I want you to marry me and come back to Seattle. I’m serious about Dad’s business. In a few years I’ll be in charge, and we’ll have everything we could ever want. Charity will be able to go to the best schools. The best college. And you’ll both be safe. No more running. No more worrying about money. Let me take care of you, Lizzie. Let me love you the way I should have six years ago. I’ll make you happy. You have my word.”
The sincerity in his face made me believe it was possible, but I was so taken aback by his proposal, I couldn’t come up with an answer. This is what I’d always wanted. To give Charity her father. Wasn’t this the reason God brought me back to Kingdom? I wanted to say yes, but feelings for Noah gripped my heart and stopped me from being able to give Clay the answer he wanted.
“I . . . I don’t know, Clay. It sounds so amazing, but will you let me think about it?”
He kissed my hand again. “Of course. Maybe my offer took you by surprise, but it really shouldn’t. Haven’t we both always known that we were meant to be together? We’re simply righting a long-standing wrong. Doesn’t that make sense to you?”
I nodded. “It makes complete sense. I feel the same way. I’m just confused . . .”
“I understand. There’s no pressure. I want you to be sure. Sure of us. Sure of me.”
I smiled at him. “I never stopped loving you.”
He grinned. “I fell in love with you the first time I saw you. Did I ever tell you that? When your father pulled you out of school, I was heartbroken. That’s why I begged to take over the delivery route to Kingdom back when Cora was buying her supplies through our family store.”
I laughed. “When I found out you were delivering on Thursdays, I always found a way to be in town so I could see you. Thursdays were my favorite days. I couldn’t wait until that old delivery van drove into town.”
“You know what? You’re even more beautiful now, Lizzie. I still see the girl in you, but there’s a woman in your eyes as well. And I love them both.”
I could feel that same pull that had led me down the wrong path years ago, so I gently dislodged my hands from his. “It’s getting late, Clay. I’ve got to get some sleep. Tomorrow morning will be here very early.”
He looked at his watch. “Yikes. You’re right. Sorry.”
“That’s okay. When Cora gets back, I’ll take a few days off. Maybe you could spend some time with Charity and me? We could go into Washington for lunch.”
He chuckled. “Manhattan’s larger than Washington and only an hour and a half away. They have all kinds of restaurants and a very nice mall. I’ll bet they’re decorated for Christmas. Maybe we could even take Charity to see Santa Claus.”
“That would make her so happy, Clay.”
“Then it’s a date.” He put on his coat and pulled on his hat and gloves. “Walk me to the door?”
I got up, linked my arm through his, and we strolled together to the front entrance.
“This has been a wonderful evening,” I said.
“The best night of my life.” He leaned down and kissed me softly. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“You have Cora’s number?”
He nodded. “Got it the first day I came here. I had no intention of letting you get away from me again.”
He kissed me once more and then walked out the door. I watched as he got in his car and drove away. Then I turned off the light and stood in the darkness. “Oh, God, this is all I ever wanted. To have a family. A father for Charity. Why can’t I just jump in with both feet and take this wonderful gift you’ve given me? Am I afraid of being hurt again? Please help me. Show me what to do.”
I picked up the vase of roses Clay had given me and began to climb the stairs. A face filled my mind. It should have been Clay’s, but it wasn’t. It was Noah’s, and there was a sadness in his deep green eyes that echoed the ache in my heart.