The cottage was small, but Lila thought it felt even smaller when Tom wasn’t there to share it with her. Stifling, even.
She had been studying stuff like that in her Psychology A Level at Truro College so she knew why it was. The same reason that unhappy people don’t become miraculously happy when they move somewhere new. They don’t change as people. They just take their unaddressed problems with them. That was how it was without Tom to distract her. She was alone with herself and her thoughts. Her doubts, guilt and fears. And they grew to fill the space. Or the space contracted around them.
That was why she had been so angry when he announced he was going away. Or one of the reasons.
Things had calmed between them before he left. She began to accept what he had to do. Knew he was only doing it reluctantly. He also knew how much he had hurt her by having to go. But he had no choice and deep down she knew that.
So now she was alone. She hadn’t really made any new friends at college. Unsurprising, given what she had been previously. The fact she had turned her life around to attend college at all was astounding enough. Tom had encouraged her to think that what she had endured wouldn’t happen again and she could look to the future with confidence. She wasn’t sure she believed him – or that he believed it himself – but she was trying. And struggling. Her peers at college all seemed so happy and sure of themselves, their world, their place within it and their life maps, unaware that things could take a sudden turn for the worse and those rock-solid beliefs could come crashing down. She couldn’t be like them, think like them, feel like them. ‘Just do your best under your own terms,’ Tom had said. ‘And if you’re worried about not fitting in, just pretend you do. That’s what they’re all doing. You might not think it but they are. Everyone does it. If there’s a secret to life, that’s it. Fake it till you make it.’ So she tried. It had been difficult. Now even more so in his absence.
Meeting Tom had changed her life. And, although she had felt she was being presumptuous, or even tempting fate, she had taken his surname for college enrolment.
‘I never found out what your real one is,’ he had said.
‘Killgannon,’ she had said, smiling. ‘Like yours.’
He had understood.
She made herself a cup of tea, looked out the back window. Autumn had dismantled summer, leaving drifts of wilted leaves and carpets of rotten flowerheads around the garden. Leave it all on the ground, Tom had said. Good compost. Make things grow bigger and stronger come the spring. Lila had dutifully done so, watched as those beautifully lush green branches turned into spider scrawl against the heavy grey sky, waited for those green buds to return. But for now it was the quiet period before the end of the year and winter fully hit, the earth gone into lockdown.
The water boiled, the kettle clicked. She turned away, took a tea bag from the jar in the cupboard.
A knock at the door.
Lila couldn’t stop the involuntary shiver that ran through her. No matter how comfortable she got in this place, there was always that threat of a knock at the door. It had happened to Tom. She feared that she would be next.
Another knock.
She turned, headed down the hall. Took a deep breath. Opened the door.
‘Just me.’
Lila smiled in relief. Another bullet dodged.
‘Hi Pearl.’
‘I was just passing and . . .’ Pearl stopped speaking. ‘No I wasn’t actually. I came to see you.’
Lila stood back, let the other woman through. ‘I was just making a cup of tea.’
‘Brilliant timing.’
They both made their way to the kitchen. Lila took out another mug, another bag. Poured in the water. Tea made, she took it to the table. Pearl had already taken off her coat, sat down.
‘Thanks.’
Pearl was over ten years older than Lila, with dark hair where Lila’s was mousy blonde, smart jeans as opposed to Lila’s attempts to bring back grunge, and with a poise and self-confidence Lila thought she could never hope to emulate. But the woman was Tom’s boss, perhaps more. And they had been through a lot together.
‘How you coping?’ asked Pearl.
‘Fine,’ said Lila, sitting down opposite her. While it was true that they had shared a lot, Lila was still wary of opening up to her.
‘You heard from him?’
Lila shook her head.
‘Me neither.’ Pearl took an experimental sip of her tea, found it too hot, placed it back on the table. ‘He said it might be difficult.’
They sat there in silence. Both, for their own reasons, not wanting to be the first to speak.
‘Look,’ said Pearl, ‘That offer still stands. Me moving in here.’
Tom had asked her again before he left. She had told him she would be fine on her own. Neither had believed her.
‘Did Tom ask you to come round?’
‘He just wants me to keep an eye on you.’
Lila felt anger building inside her at Pearl’s words. ‘What does he expect me to do? Have wild parties? Get into trouble? Run away again?’
Pearl shook her head slowly. Her voice was low, calm. ‘He was worried about you out here on your own. Just wanted to make sure you were looking after yourself.’ She smiled. ‘That you weren’t just eating pizza and burgers and drinking coke all the time.’
Lila felt herself redden with a kind of angry amusement. ‘He said that? Those words?’
Pearl laughed. ‘Yeah. Is that code, or something?’
Lila smiled. It was the last thing he had said to her before he left. They had gone through the anger and heartache, tried to come out the other side and joke about it. No pizza and burgers and drinking coke all the time. And no boys in your room after ten thirty. Yes sir, she had replied, giving him a mock salute in response. ‘That’s all he said?’ she asked.
Pearl shrugged. ‘Something about boys as well.’
‘Right.’
‘I didn’t think you needed to hear that bit.’
‘It’s OK. He’s already given me that speech.’
‘Right. But how are you holding up, really?’
Lila took a sip of tea. It was still too hot but she wanted to drink it anyway. A psychological thing, she thought. ‘OK. I’m used to looking after myself.’
‘I know you are. But that’s not what I meant. And I don’t think it’s what he meant, either. He just wanted to make sure you felt safe here.’ Pearl paused, looked straight at Lila. Hoping her unspoken words would be understood.
They were. Lila had been in trouble when she met Tom. And despite his insistence that those troubles were gone, she still woke up screaming at the things she had done to gain her freedom. The nightmares had become less and less frequent as time went on, but they hadn’t completely left her alone.
‘I’m OK,’ said Lila then felt something else was needed. ‘But thank you.’
‘No worries.’ Pearl looked round the kitchen, clearly thinking. She found her tea, drank. ‘Listen. I’ve been thinking. Instead of you being here on your own, you could move into the pub with me.’ Pearl looked at Lila expectantly. Lila said nothing. Pearl continued. ‘There’s plenty of space since Mum and Dad moved out.’
Pearl tried to keep her voice as neutral as possible while she said those names, but Lila knew what kind of pain was behind those words. At that moment she felt a kind of kinship with her. A sisterhood of pain and disappointment. Of being let down by those you should have been able to trust absolutely.
Pearl continued. ‘I mean, you’re on your own with no one to talk to—’
‘I want to stay here. This is my home. This is where I live.’
Pearl nodded. ‘Fair enough. OK. I understand.’ She looked round the kitchen once more. ‘But you know, it’s not just you. On your own, I mean. I am as well.’
Lila looked at her curiously.
‘I miss him. Lots.’ She reddened. ‘He’s my friend too, you know.’ She placed a strange emphasis on the word ‘friend’. ‘And it’s lonely in the pub without Mum and Dad around. And him especially.’
Lila knew what she was saying. For the first time since she had met this woman, Lila felt as though she understood her.
‘I said I don’t want to move into the pub.’
Pearl nodded. ‘Right. Sure.’ Head downcast.
‘But . . . you could move in here if you like.’
Pearl looked up at her. Smiled.
Lila felt her own cheeks redden. ‘I mean, just while he’s away. For company. And that. You know. Like you said. Safer together.’
‘That’s great. Girl’s nights in. Drinking tea, watch Netflix. Whatever.’
‘You’ll be lucky to get Netflix here,’ Lila told her. ‘We barely have electricity.’
Pearl laughed. ‘Thank you. Look, I know you’re still not sure about me, for whatever reason, because of what happened, and yeah, I understand that. But . . .’ She sighed. Continued. ‘We’re on the same side. Always have been.’
Lila looked at Pearl over the table. Remembered what Tom had said about looking to the future with confidence, trusting things to grow again.
‘It gets cold. Better bring some warm jumpers. And some wood for the burner.’
Pearl smiled. ‘Deal.’
‘And some boxsets.’ Lila smiled too. ‘Got to find some way to fill these long dark winter evenings.’
‘You can count on it.’
They both drank their tea. And chatted. Like new friends just getting to know each other.