The door slammed behind Lila. She placed her bag in the hall, keys on the hallway table. Unzipped her coat, hung it up. Same routine as always. Getting used to it. Even starting to enjoy it.
‘That you?’ a voice called from the living room.
She yelled a reply as she kicked off her boots, entered. Pearl was sitting in the armchair, flicking through one of her glossy magazines. Lila hadn’t found the point in them at first, thinking they were a waste of time and money, just full of photos of emaciated, bored or angry-looking women in expensive clothes, and adverts for watches and handbags she could never afford, or even want. Then an interview with some celebrity who was using their platform – or so they claimed – to make the world a better place. If that was so, she thought, their platform didn’t extend to Cornwall. Then more pictures of, and adverts for, shoes. But lately she had been picking them up when Pearl wasn’t around, glancing through them at first, then looking more concertedly. Even imagining herself in the clothes, the feel of the fabric next to her skin, skipping along some tropical, white beach, smiling against the sun . . .
That’s how they get you, Anju had said. And then it’s a slippery slope to conformity. Bit ironic, Lila thought, a rich doctor’s daughter lecturing her on the perils of conformity but, as she knew from experience, finding your own path in life took many forms, regardless of your background.
‘Hey,’ Pearl said, looking up from where she was sprawled over the armchair, legs dangling to one side. ‘Good day?’
‘So so.’ She sat down on the sofa opposite her. ‘Shouldn’t you be at work?’
‘Got Briony the new girl doing the dead zone. I’ll pop over later when it’s busier. Anyway.’ She closed the magazine, sat up fully. ‘I haven’t seen you properly to talk to since you went to see Tom. How’s he getting on?’
Lila thought of the visit. How Tom had tried hard to look like prison hadn’t changed him, even in such a short space of time. How his wounded eyes and damaged face had given away that lie.
Or how she had fought back tears as she left. Sat in the car silently sobbing, Anju’s arms around her, pulling her close. Crying on her shoulder. Anju stroking her cheeks, kissing away the tears. Feeling Tom’s absence like a physical thing, but glad she had someone there to comfort her. It was a feeling she wasn’t used to.
Afterwards she hadn’t come straight home, even though Anju had dropped her off at the front door. Instead she had walked the cliff path, ignoring the cold persistent wind razoring through her too-thin coat, the rocks and mud underfoot making her lose her footing. Walking until it was too dark to see anything around her but the black, star-flecked sky, hearing nothing but the top line roar of the wind competing with the deep cymbal clash of the sea. Until she felt like she was alone in the universe, a tiny, galaxy-dwarfed speck clinging to a rock as it hurtled away through space. Completely insignificant yet somehow the centre of everything. She didn’t move, didn’t cry. Just stood there. Balancing. Holding on.
‘How is he?’
Pearl’s question bringing her back. ‘Yeah, he’s . . .’ Lila didn’t know what to say. Be honest? Be brave? ‘He said he was doing OK. I don’t know. He looked a bit . . . you know. Like he didn’t want to be there.’
‘That’s a given.’
‘He asked after you anyway.’
‘What did you say?’
Her question a bit too quick, Lila thought. ‘Asked how you were doing. How we were getting on. Told him we were watching Dynasty together.’
Pearl smiled. ‘Sure he loved hearing that.’
‘Anyway, he says he hopes that it’ll all be finished and he’ll be back soon. That it won’t be long now.’
‘I hope so. Not that I’m not enjoying being here with you and having some company . . . I’m glad you’re here. I wanted to talk to you.’
‘What about?’
Pearl dropped her eyes. ‘I’ve had an email. From my mum and dad.’
‘Oh.’
‘Yeah. And I don’t know what to do.’
Pearl’s parents had been two of the main instigators behind the near murderous events that put St Petroc on the national news. Once the police had arrived they had disappeared, leaving the pub and hotel to Pearl. It had been a rough few months for her too. Lila thought with a pang of guilt, she didn’t give her enough credit for that.
‘Did they say where they were?’
‘No, but they wanted to meet me.’
‘Are you going to?’
Pearl looked straight at Lila. And Lila knew that no matter what she had thought of Pearl in the past, how she hadn’t fully trusted her, their actions had bonded them. She may not be a friend by choice, but they were now bound by something deeper.
‘I don’t know.’
‘What did they say?’
‘That they were sorry. That I shouldn’t worry about them, they were all right. They’d taken their savings and were trying to start again. They were abroad, didn’t say where in case someone was monitoring these things. But they hoped I could understand what they had done and why and forgive them for it.’
Lila almost laughed. ‘Forgive them. They’d have killed me if they’d been allowed to.’
Pearl said nothing.
‘So what do they want? You to go and join them?’
‘That was the impression I got.’
‘And are you?’
‘I wanted to talk to you first before I did anything else.’
Lila frowned. Thought of that night on the cliff path, balancing on the edge of the world, the universe. ‘Why me?’
‘Because you . . .’ Pearl sighed, ‘you’ve been through shit with your parents. And it’s . . . I just . . . I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about it. About them.’ Pearl seemed on the verge of tears.
Lila paused, thought hard. Pearl was reaching out as a friend; perhaps it was time to put any lingering doubts about her aside and treat her as a friend. It’s what Tom would want her to do. ‘Yeah, it’s difficult. Conflicted. You’re brought up to think you should love them no matter what. And that you should forgive them anything they might do to you.’ Lila gave a bitter laugh. ‘Sometimes you have to learn the hard way that life’s not like that. Sometimes you have to just say “fuck you” and walk away from them.’
‘And that’s what you think I should do now?’ Pearl sounded like she genuinely didn’t know. It felt like Lila was the older, wiser one. And maybe, in terms of life experience, she was.
‘Families aren’t biological.’
Pearl smiled. ‘Spoken like a psychology student.’
Lila also smiled. ‘I’ve learned that the hard way. Living here with Tom, he’s my family now. Or I hope so. It takes a lot to trust after . . . you know.’
‘Yeah.’ Pearl nodded. ‘Part of me wants to write back, tell them how much I miss them and go and see them. Try and make things like they were before. But then I think . . . it won’t be like that, will it? Because before was a lie. They were planning all this . . . this monstrous stuff that I never knew about and I was supposed to just go along with them. And I couldn’t. And no matter what they say or do it won’t make up for it. But then I think . . .’ She shook her head. ‘Oh, I don’t know.’
‘It’s up to you,’ said Lila after a while. ‘I can’t choose for you. I can only tell what I did. You might be, I dunno, different.’
‘It’s just so . . . hard. You never think these kinds of things will happen to you.’
Lila gave a harsh laugh. ‘Tell me about it.’
Pearl fell silent. Neither spoke. Pearl eventually broke the silence. ‘Thanks. For listening, anyway.’
Lila shrugged. ‘What are friends for?’
Pearl smiled at that. Lila did also.
‘Fancy an episode of Dynasty?’
‘You’re on.’
‘I’ll make some coffee.’
Pearl got up from the armchair, went into the kitchen. Lila watched her. Felt that balancing universe thing again. Realised she didn’t have to cling on to the rock quite so hard now. That she could stand on her own.
Any further thought was cut off. There was a knock at the door.
‘Can you get that?’ called Pearl from the kitchen.
She got off the sofa, went to open the door.
There stood the black biker she had seen previously. He smiled at her.
‘Hi,’ he said. ‘We’ve met before, remember?’
‘Yeah.’
He smiled. ‘I should have introduced myself properly. I’m Quint. A friend of Tom’s?’ His upward inflection made the statement into a question. ‘Anyway, he said I should look in on you. You know, see you’re OK. That OK? You must be Lila, yeah?’
Lila didn’t answer.
Quint laughed. ‘Least you didn’t say no. So I reckon that must be yes.’ The smile dropped. ‘Can I come in? Want to talk to you.’
Lila’s first reaction, her gut instinct, was to say no. But she overrode it. Tom had told her about him. She had kind of expected him to be in touch. But something still told her she didn’t want him in the house.
‘Please? Freezing out here.’
Lila reached a decision. She moved aside, let him enter.
‘Thanks,’ he said, going past her.
She closed the door behind him.