20th November 2019
Evening
I had tried to call Esther three times during the day; each time it rang and rang before going to voicemail. I didn’t leave a message. And just in case I wasn’t already feeling shitty enough, I stupidly tried to call Oliver too. It rang once and then disconnected, like he had seen who was calling and hit the cancel button. Great. Despite being home for most of the day, those two small things were the sum of what I had accomplished. I was being pathetic. I knew Esther would calm down eventually. I hoped the stolen money would be insured but if the safe had been left open after all, I didn’t think it would be. I also hoped that, despite my mistake, the landlord would be sympathetic, as would our customers. We would have a tough few weeks, but we would survive long enough for us to work out what to do to save our business. The way Esther looked at me today, I knew she was just about ready to give up on The Tea Tree if we didn’t do something to lift our game and pay us both a proper salary. I didn’t blame her; she’d been doing very well working for the marketing department of some corporate giant before we spoke of my insane idea of opening a café together. If I was her, I probably would have given up a year ago. No, I definitely would have given up, because apparently that’s what I do. I run away from my problems.
Then I thought about it properly – maybe some time apart wasn’t such a bad idea. I didn’t want to run away from Esther, not in a million years. She had been my first true friend since leaving my childhood home all those years ago. She was one of the few people who knew that Chloe Lambert – the girl who was once all over the news, the girl who was never found – was my best friend. She knew about the man I saw back then, the Drifter. She knew about my dad; she knew about the village I grew up in. I trusted Esther more than I trusted anyone else in the world, even Oliver. I couldn’t afford to lose her from my life. But if I stepped back a little, let her run The Tree Tea on her own, just for a few weeks, she could take all of the income and pay herself properly, and I would get a break to sort my head out. It was perfect. She would make good money, and I would return fresh and sober and full of ideas of what we could do to expand our café. The more I thought about it, the better the idea became. I looked at my online banking, the joint account still in mine and Oliver’s names, and saw that what was left had remained untouched. I’d half expected him to take it, but he hadn’t – he was better than that.
I ran the numbers; I had enough sat in our joint account to pay my household bills for a couple of months. My personal account didn’t speak the same tale, but my two credit card balances were quite low. I would be all right for a couple of months without any other income. If the stolen money wasn’t covered by insurance, that would surely help, and even if it was, I’d still take leave of absence. Once I was back, I’d chip away at my credit cards until I cleared the balances. It might take a year, but that was far better than losing either my business or my best friend. Closing my banking app, I rang Esther’s number again; I was going to leave a message, outlining my thoughts. But after the third ring, she picked up.
‘Hey, Esther, are you all right?’
She sighed on the other end of the phone. ‘Tired.’
‘Yeah, I bet. Listen…’
‘No, Neve, let me speak. I’m still angry, you know? I’m angry you’ve let yourself get into such a mess lately, I’m angry this business isn’t doing what I know it could do. I’m angry some little shits robbed us. I’m really angry about that.’
‘I know.’
‘But that still didn’t give me the right to speak like I did to you. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.’
‘Don’t be sorry, I deserved it.’
‘No, Neve.’
‘Esther, it’s OK. I know I’m a mess.’
‘Neve, you’re not a mess.’
‘I am, I always have been – ever since you’ve known me. Oliver was right, I didn’t let him in, I pushed him away with my inability to let go of things, and I’m doing the same to you. I know I have to change.’
‘You’re not pushing me away.’
‘Esther, let’s be honest. You shouldn’t have to scrape by.’
‘What else can we do?’
‘I’ve had an idea.’
I told her my plan, and at first she dismissed it, but the more we talked, the more receptive she became.
‘Esther, I know I’ve not been great these past few weeks, and I’ve dumped loads on you. With me taking a break, I’m making your life easier. A bit of time to sort my shit out and I’ll come back with ideas, energy, and we can fix this. I’m not walking away – let’s call it a sabbatical.’
‘How will you survive without an income, Neve?’
‘I’ll be fine. I’ve got my credit cards.’
‘But then you’ll end up in a load of debt.’
‘Better to have a little debt I can pay off over time, than to lose our business, and you.’
‘Neve… are you sure about this?’
‘We both know it’s the right thing.’
‘Yeah, you’re probably right,’ she said after a pause.
‘I’ll come in tomorrow and up to the weekend and help, and then we’ll start afresh on Monday.’
‘I doubt we’ll open tomorrow.’
‘Then I’ll come anyway, and help.’
‘Honestly, Neve, there isn’t much you can do. It’s mainly waiting for the glass company to fit a new door. I’ll be fine. Start your break now. The sooner you go, the sooner you’re back.’
‘You really think it’s a good idea?’ I asked, suddenly doubting myself.
‘I hate to say it, but yes. I think you need the space to deal with what’s going on in your life and…’
She didn’t finish her sentence, but we both knew what she was going to say. She needed a break from me and my misery.
‘OK, my phone will stay on, and I promise I’ll come back sooner if you need me to.’
‘Thanks. What will you do with your time?’
‘Sort myself out.’
In the background, I heard Tilly calling for help on the potty. It felt good that, despite all this, something was still normal, still so utterly normal.
‘I better go.’
‘OK, Esther, I’ll… I’ll see you soon?’
‘Yep, see you soon.’
The line went dead and for a moment I kept the phone to my ear. That was it, I had officially stepped away from my business. Now I had, it felt incredibly impulsive. But Esther didn’t stop me, so it had to be right? Getting up, I walked into the kitchen and rifled around for something to eat. I found an old packet of Quavers at the back of a cupboard and opened them. What I really needed was a drink: a big, stiff, strong drink, one that hurt to swallow and tasted awful. I needed to be numbed, just for one more night, and then tomorrow, I would start to rebuild myself. But, thankfully, I didn’t have anything in. It meant I had to start now.
Feeling blue, I wanted to look at Oliver’s Facebook wall, to see if anything had changed since I last checked a few hours ago. But before I could stalk his profile, I saw I had a new friend request from someone I once knew and had wanted to forget. My old childhood friend, Holly. Seeing her picture made my stomach feel uneasy. I had been tagged in a post, by her, linking an article from a local paper close to where I had grown up. The headline floored me.
CONCERNS DEEPEN FOR LOCAL MISSING MAN, JAMIE HARDMAN
Jamie.
I didn’t read the article but jumped onto his private Facebook page. I saw his face; one I’d not seen in a long time. He hadn’t changed much. Still the same cheeky smile. Still the same mischievous glint in his eye I once found so attractive. As I read his timeline my heart sank. People had posted on his wall, lots of people, all saying similar things. They all asked him to come back, they all wondered if he was OK, and a sense of déjà vu washed over me.
Jamie, my first, had gone missing.
Just like Chloe.