23rd November 2019
Morning
Jamie’s face was everywhere, his sad smile, the same one I saw on Facebook, was photocopied in black and white and stuck on every other lamppost on the main road of the village. The posters didn’t say much, just listed a number to call if he was spotted. His tired expression watched me all the way to the furthest edge of the village.
Once the social club was in sight, I tried to make out if I could see Holly amongst the few gathered outside in the car park. I checked my phone, tempted to try and call her through Facebook messenger. It was like she knew I would want to spot her before approaching, as she had messaged ten minutes earlier, telling me she would be wearing a bright red coat, just in case I couldn’t work out who she was. Casting my eye back towards the social I could see a handful of people milling around. They mostly consisted of well-meaning elderly folk who probably had little else to do but make cups of tea for those out looking. But I couldn’t see a red coat anywhere. Checking the time, I saw it was 10.15 a.m. She probably waited for me for a while, but then gave up. As I drew ever closer, an older lady by the door greeted me with a warm, but serious smile. Did she know who I was?
‘Good morning, I’m looking for Holly?’ I asked quietly, guarded.
‘Good morning, dear, are you here to help?’
‘If I can.’
‘Bless you, yes, we need all the help we can get.’
Dad had said something similar, but I didn’t ask her to elaborate.
‘Do you know him?’ I asked, hoping I could learn something about the boy I once knew so well.
‘Yes, he’s very popular in the village, poor man. Holly is just inside, you’ve timed it well, the group are about to head out into the woods.’ Before I could respond, the lady took me by the arm and guided me in.
As I was dragged into the bar area, and eyes met mine, I knew I couldn’t back out. I was expecting to see people in hi-vis jackets with walkie talkies. I expected mountain rescue to be leading the search, as the woods around the village are dense and it’s easy to lose your way. I expected police, just like in 1998. But what I saw didn’t even come close to my assumption. There were four people standing around a table, one of them in a red coat. Holly. I could hear her talking about how they were about to search the woods. Just like they did with Chloe. I never wanted to step foot into that forest again.
As I approached, Holly looked up at me and smiled. I tried to smile back. But those two words swam around my head. The woods. She walked towards me, her arms outstretched, ready to embrace, and in acquiescence I stepped inside the space she created for me and hugged her back.
‘Neve, it’s so good to see you.’
‘You too, Holly.’
Pulling away she looked at me; I wanted to look away. Time had been good to her, she seemed young, stress-free, fit.
‘You look fantastic,’ I said, stepping away.
‘Thank you. So do you,’ she lied. ‘It’s been so long.’
‘I know, over twenty years,’ I mused tentatively, and she smiled, us both knowing full well how long it had been.
‘I just wish it was under better circumstances,’ she continued, before any thoughts of the past could take hold. ‘Thank you for coming back to help. Let’s meet the others who are helping this morning.’
Holly introduced me to the three other people she was with. I nodded politely, but failed to retain their names. After the solemn introductions were complete, Holly’s tone changed, her mind back on the business of finding Jamie. Her eyes fixed on the map that had been pinned flat on the table with mugs of tea.
‘So, today we are sweeping west of the mine and then north towards the lake. It’s a small search area, but the woodland is dense. So we move slow, take our time. The forecast isn’t good and it’ll likely get wet out there, so I don’t want anyone getting hurt.’ The group nodded, and I couldn’t help but feel that, given their advanced ages, we would be moving slow regardless of the terrain. ‘We should come out around here,’ she said, pointing to a spot on the map, close to the lane. ‘As always, thank you for taking the time to help. If you see anything at all, no matter how small, please tell me. I’d rather us be wrong several times than miss something that might tell us where he is.’
The group nodded and began to move, putting on rucksacks and zipping up coats. I felt fear begin to creep into my bones. We were about to go back into those woods. Next to the others, all wearing expensive-looking hiking kit, I felt entirely underdressed in my thin Topshop coat and ankle boots. I wanted to say something about being unprepared, trying to find a way to get out of the search, but as I began to open my mouth, Holly spoke.
‘OK, let’s go,’ Holly said decisively as she headed towards the door. Breaking into a jog, I caught up as she headed out into the murky winter air.
‘Holly, where are the police?’
‘There are no police, it’s just us.’
‘But I thought Jamie was a missing person?’
‘He is.’
‘So then why…’
‘This isn’t the first time Jamie has gone missing.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘For many years now, Jamie has struggled with his mental health; he has down times. Understandably,’ she added quietly, but loud enough for us both to know I had heard her and understood. ‘He always comes back, sometimes it’s a day or two, sometimes it’s a week. In 2008, he disappeared for nearly a month.’
‘2008,’ I said, a statement rather than a question.
‘Yep, July 2008. Of course, the police are looking for him, as they always do when someone calls. He’s vulnerable, so they do take it seriously.’
‘So why aren’t they here?’
‘Because Jamie leaves the village, usually. So, the police use what resources they have to search through CCTV at train and bus stations to identify where he is. Normally, he comes home before they find him anyway.’
‘So, if he has done this before…’ I didn’t finish my sentence. I couldn’t – it was insensitive, unkind.
‘Why was it mentioned in the paper, why did I message you to tell you he had disappeared?’ she finished.
‘Yes,’ I said, ashamed. ‘Sorry.’
‘It’s OK, I guess there’s a lot going on in your head being back here.’
‘You could say that.’ I tried to smile, but the woods were drawing ever closer.
‘Jamie usually leaves a note, saying he needs time out. Saying that it’s all too much. The village, the mine, the past. If I’m honest, we can usually see it coming. He goes quiet, he starts to disengage, doesn’t turn up for work, barely leaves the house, that sort of thing. But he was in good spirits the day before. He was like the old Jamie you remember when you think of him.’ She stopped walking and turned to face me, a graveness in her eyes. ‘There was no note, no explanation. Jamie’s just vanished.’
I let her go ahead of me, the three others followed closely, putting me at the back of the small search party. They walked in unison, unafraid of being in the woods. Above them, the clouds grew darker still, threatening to burst at any moment.
‘Are you OK, Neve?’ Holly called back when she saw I had stopped.
‘Yes, fine.’ I began to walk again. She didn’t say it, she didn’t need to, but I could see in her eyes that she was worried that what was happening now was a part of something linked to the ghosts from our past.