23rd November 2019
Afternoon
Despite being at least twenty years younger than most of the small search party, I was by far the most unfit. My breathing was laboured, my legs felt like lead and the boots I had owned for only six weeks were now completely ruined. Mud covered all of us from the knees down, and the air in the woods had thickened to a hanging rain that seeped through the seams of my coat, through my jumper, and onto my skin. We had combed the area Holly laid out for over three hours, our breath suspended above our heads like small clouds, and had found nothing. No signs of Jamie, no sign of anything. We had only walked about half a mile away from the social club, but with the woodland being so dense, we could have been anywhere. It would have been disorientating if the mine hadn’t loomed over us, acting as a compass, watching our every move.
We walked in silence, listening to our surroundings, hoping for him to call out, or appear. But it had been eerily quiet. Too quiet, as if the woods were holding their breath, watching us, watching me. It was just like that summer. With the weak sun barely breaking through, it was eerily dark. Long shadows and shrouded spaces surrounded us on either side, making me feel claustrophobic. As I had fallen to the back of the group, I felt vulnerable; despite not wanting to, I kept looking over my shoulder to make sure no one was there. My imagination kept playing tricks on me, and on a few occasions, I was convinced I could see a silhouette of a man just behind the tree line.
Thankfully, before my haunted thoughts could take hold, Holly announced we were stopping for a break. We didn’t pause for long, maybe five minutes, but it was much needed. Then we set off again, quietly moving though bush and bog in search of something.
I allowed myself to think about when Jamie and I were young; the way he used to make me smile. I thought about the day I left, without saying goodbye or offering an explanation or apology. I had to wonder whether Jamie’s current problems were because of me, or what happened to us all in the summer of 1998. Jamie was really good to me when we were young, he had done more for me than anyone should. I owed it to him to help. I suppose that’s why I came back – though I’m not sure I would have done for the others.
We returned to the social club, having spotted nothing unusual. As I quietly sipped my tea with three sugars, in a vain attempt to relieve my hangover, I watched as Holly embraced her fellow search party members one by one. She thanked them, told them not to give up hope. I watched her, mesmerised by the woman she had become. That quiet, insecure girl I’d once known had changed: she was now a leader, a fearless one at that. I wondered, when we were kids, was I kind enough to her? As the last of her helpers left, she turned and smiled towards me.
‘How are you feeling?’ she asked.
‘I’m OK, it was harder out there than I thought it would be.’
‘Yeah, it’s impossible to keep searching, hoping you don’t find anything, wishing you would. Plays heavily on the emotions.’ She plonked herself beside me and took her tea from the table. ‘He’ll turn up, he just forgot to write a note this time. Anyway, tell me about you. What’s new? How’s life been?’
‘Oh, you know, ups and downs, like anyone’s, I guess.’
‘Yeah, I guess,’ she replied, and I could tell there was a hint of something else in her voice. ‘How long are you staying for?’ she continued, brighter.
‘A few days maybe? I don’t feel like I should be here.’
‘Nonsense, of course you should be here, it’s your home.’
‘It doesn’t feel like my home, it hasn’t for a very long time. It’s weird being back with Dad…’ I trailed off.
‘How is he?’
‘Yeah, you know, he’s the same old Dad. He’s OK.’
She smiled, knowing how hard things were with him after my mum left.
‘Thank you for agreeing to come out today, it really helps.’
‘I don’t feel like I’m helping much.’
‘You’ve given up time from your life in London to be here. Trust me, it helps.’
I smiled, not wanting to tell her I came back from London because my life was a complete mess and I was fucking up things left, right and centre. I was only back because I had nowhere else to be. Instead, I promised Holly I would go out again.
‘Really?’
‘Of course. Will it be today?’
‘I think it’ll be later this afternoon.’
‘Have I got time to nip back and change? I promise to try wear something slightly more appropriate.’
‘Yeah, we’ll go out in a few hours.’ I got up, dredged my cup of tea, then put it on the dusty bar counter. Behind me I heard the door open but didn’t think much of it. When I turned, I saw Holly walking towards it, opening her arms and wrapping them around someone, hugging them close. Quietly, I made my way to the door, hoping I could slip past and not interrupt. I couldn’t see who it was, but assumed it was someone very close to Jamie. As I drew level, Holly let go and the woman lifted her gaze, locking onto mine. Before I could say anything, the woman slapped me so hard across the face I stumbled backward.
‘How dare you come here!’ she screamed, rage and pain pushing their way through her words. ‘How dare you come back!’
I opened my mouth to defend myself but choked on my words. I could taste blood where I had bitten down on the inside of my cheek. The woman advanced towards me and I prepared for her to hit me again. Thankfully, Holly came to my rescue, stepping between us. ‘Julie, calm down.’
Julie burst into tears and stormed towards the door. Flinging it open she turned back, and if looks could kill, I was sure I would have died on the spot.
‘This is your fault, all of it. I wish you hadn’t got your claws into my son. You’re cursed.’ She turned and left, and I stood shocked, trying to process what just happened.
‘Are you OK?’ Holly asked, and all I could do was nod. ‘I’ll go to her; you go back to your dad’s. I’ll message you later?’
Again, all I could do was nod.
Holly turned on her heel and chased after Jamie’s mum, leaving me in the social club on my own, unable to work out what the fuck just happened. I put my fingers inside my mouth, the inside of my cheek sore to the touch, and I could feel a slight tear in the skin. Retracting my fingers, there was a little blood on them, not enough to justify the amount of pain I was in. Did I deserve what just happened?
That summer had been hard on us all, but would Jamie have managed better if I had stayed? I didn’t want to think about the answer. Clearing away the final few mugs from the table, I looked at the map where Holly and her party had searched. She was methodical, clear in her direction. The shaded areas followed searches. A few areas were still to be covered: one was around the hut, and the other around the place where Jamie and I had our first kiss.
As I left to walk back to Dad’s house, I was torn: I wanted nothing more than to leave and never return. I also felt Jamie’s mum was right: it was my fault that he was missing, that he had struggled with life because of me. And I owed it to him to stay, even if it was just for one more search. I just hoped of the two places left, the hut wouldn’t be the last place I would ever see.