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The Trailer you Never Saw

I wrote this song as a trailer for The Simpsons Movie. It was never used. Dammit.

Why Is Every Movie a TV Show?

Homer leaves Springfield’s Aztec Theater—he passes posters for several movies based on TV shows. He sings a bouncy march like “Seventy-Six Trombones” or “Hey, Look Me Over.” (Except for Smithers’s lines, all dialogue is sung.)

HOMER:

                Why is every movie a TV show?

                How the hell can they charge me eight bucks?

                I like it at home when it’s a free show

                But when I have to pay for it, it sucks! Sucks! SUCKS!

BURNS:

                Why make motion pictures from the boob tube?

                Not a bloody one of them is good!

                Why’d they make a talkie out of F Troop?

SMITHERS (spoken):

                They didn’t, sir.

BURNS:

                Well, they should!

SMITHERS (spoken):

                I’ll make some calls.

EXT. ANDROID’S DUNGEON - DAY

Comic Book Guy stands in Star Trek garb.

COMIC BOOK GUY (sweetly):

                I saw Star Trek one through eight

                And every one was great

                Except Star Trek V: The Final Frontier directed by Mr. William Shatner—

(GROWING ANGER)

                Which was the worst Star Trek movie ever!

Comic Book Guy steps into the street and joins an angry mob, wielding pipes, boards with nails, etc. Homer leads the pack.

HOMER:

                Let’s kill all the Hollywood producers

                Before they make another Scooby-Doo

                ’Cause TV shows become such rotten movies

MARGE:

                I liked The Fugitive—

HOMER (happily):

                Me too!

The mob transforms into a festive marching band, still led by Homer. They have colorful banners for The Fugitive.

CROWD:

                The Fugitive! The Fugitive!

MARGE:

                It was an Oscar-winning hit!

BART:

                Remember when that man

                Jumped right off that dam?

HOMER:

                Remember when—

(THINKS)

                —Well, that was about it.

The parade suddenly loses steam—the band music dies out sourly.

ANGLE ON LISA

LISA:

                Movies were once turned into TV shows

                That gave us the classic series M*A*S*H

Our Barbershop Quartet, the Be Sharps, appears.

BARNEY:

                But when a TV show becomes a movie

APU:

                You get Flintstones

SKINNER:

                You get Dragnet

BE SHARPS (long harmony):

                You get tra-a-a-ash!

Big rousing finish.

HOMER:

                You get a disgrace

                Like Lost in Space

                How long till they give us Will & Grace?

CROWD:

                You get miscast mishmash

                Flashy rehashed trash!

They hold a big pose. WIDEN TO SEE they are being filmed by a camera crew.

DIRECTOR:

                Cut! Print! That’s a wrap!

ANNOUNCER (V.O.):

                The Simpsons Movie. Coming soon.

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