It was Saturday afternoon and Meg was tidying the shop shelves and dampening down the ovens in the bakery. She looked at the cake tin belonging to Frankie and felt her heart fluttering with the thought of returning it later that afternoon. She was stupid, she thought to herself as she swept the shop floor and walked to turn the shop sign to Closed. How could a man make her feel like this? No other man had had this effect on her, so why should he?
‘Aye, hold on Meg, don’t close just yet,’ came a familiar voice. ‘Have you a loaf left? We’ve visitors tomorrow and my mam’s making sandwiches, so we need an extra loaf.’ Daisy stopped the door being closed in her face just in time.
‘You are lucky, I’ve just the one. Take it, I’ll not charge. It just would have been used by us at home, probably in a bread and butter pudding, if I had got around to making it.’ Meg smiled as Daisy caught her breath and leaned against the counter.
‘I’ll not be taking it if it’s of use to you and your family. It’s only our John’s in-laws-to-be that’s coming round. They can make do with some of my mother’s biscuits although they’ll break their teeth on them.’ Daisy laughed then looked at Meg and noticed that for a Saturday morning she was looking very glamorous. ‘You are looking a bit swish for a Saturday afternoon. Is that rouge I see on your cheeks? Are we going somewhere nice this afternoon or are we trying to impress somebody?’
‘No, I’m just warm,’ Meg replied. ‘It’s a lovely day. Just look at the blue sky. It’s a pity all the smoke from the chimneys blocks the sun out on good days – there’s something to be said for living in the country. I’ve always dreamed of a little cottage out in the countryside with roses around the door.’ She leaned on her brush thinking about her ideal home and realized that it included Frankie waiting for her at the door.
Daisy looked at her friend. Something had definitely changed about Meg this last day or two. ‘I thought that you were just dreaming of your own bakery, not a life of rural domestic bliss. You wouldn’t last five minutes out in the country; you’re a town lass. Have you heard from Ted Lund? He should be on his way back shortly, shouldn’t he?’
‘No, I haven’t heard a thing. I’m hoping that he’ll never come back but that’s too much to hope, I suppose. I’d love for this bakery to be mine but I know all too well that it never will be.’
‘Now, that sounds more like you. I thought for a minute there might be a man involved somewhere along the line with you having pictures of domestic bliss in your mind.’ Daisy laughed and made for the door, leaving the loaf of bread for Meg, knowing that she would need it more than her family.
‘No, there’s no man, just me dreaming. I can dream, can’t I? Sometimes I get fed up with these backstreets and would like to breathe clean fresh air,’ Meg said defensively.
Daisy saw right through her. ‘Ohh, I think I may be right, there is a man. Come on then, tell me, who is he and how did you meet him? I want to know everything.’ She leaned back on the counter, waiting for Meg to tell her everything.
‘There isn’t really, we are only friends,’ Meg said coyly, wishing Daisy didn’t know her so well and that she didn’t show her feelings so openly.
‘Go on then, get on and tell me!’
‘I’ve got to know Frankie Pearson. He’s the owner and baker at the new patisserie on the Headrow. It’s only through our baking – nothing else,’ Meg protested.
‘Oh, posh. That’s one up on our John, I’ll have to tell him,’ Daisy joked. ‘It will be love amongst the jam tarts, is it? He’ll be a bit passionate, I bet – after all, isn’t he French?’ Daisy teased and looked at Meg react as she always did to teasing, with a bright blush.
‘He’s not French, you know he isn’t. His parents are from Leeds and just left for Paris to follow their passion for painting. He’s good company and a good baker.’
‘I thought of asking you to go shopping with me next Saturday afternoon if you have time between baking and lover boy? I need one or two things for our John’s wedding. He’s set the date now: it’s the end of summer, the thirtieth of August. That’s what her parents are coming over to discuss tomorrow. Do you fancy? You could introduce me to your Frankie then. It’s a pity he doesn’t have a café. We could have had a cup of tea and I could have watched him and told you if I thought he was suitable for you.’ Daisy laughed at the thought.
‘It’s not that serious,’ Meg protested again. ‘Stop it, we have just got things in common. However, I will go shopping with you, but I can’t stay long. I don’t like leaving Mam on a Saturday and Sarah always wants some time to herself and waits for me to return home.’
‘Right you are then. I’ll let you go to your lover boy. I’ll be in sometime through the week, chasing my tail as usual before work. If it’s any different, then you can always tell me.’
With that, Daisy headed out down the street. Meg watched her go, wishing that she had never said anything to her, but she had been wanting to tell somebody about her new love and how she felt about it. She was finding it hard to hide her feelings to hide her feelings at home. Her mother had even commented on the songs she had started to sing as she did her work around the house. She had better control her feelings before she made a fool of herself, she thought, as she hung up her apron, pinched her cheeks and picked up the cake tin covered with bluebirds. She felt like she was flying like the bluebirds on the tin to her love and she couldn’t wait another minute.
Brenda Jones looked at the girl who had just come into the shop and recognized her straight away from the previous Saturday when she had been lurking outside the bakery.
‘I’ll serve this customer, girls,’ she said tartly to Norah and Marie as they stepped forward to see what Meg needed. ‘Yes, may I help you?’ she said, looking down her nose at Meg.
‘I’m here to see Mr Pearson, I have his tin to return,’ Meg said with a huge smile on her face. ‘Is he busy in the bakery?’
‘He is far too busy to speak to any visitors,’ Brenda said haughtily. ‘Let me take the tin, and then we don’t disturb him. I’m sure he’d prefer it that way.’ She held her hands out to take the tin.
‘But I’d like to speak to him if possible?’ Meg said politely and held onto the tin, watching Marie go into the bakery behind Brenda Jones’s back.
‘As I say, he’s busy. Perhaps you could call back later, or is there anything we can serve you with today? Or perhaps our fancies are a little too expensive for you, we don’t usually sell many to people like you.’ She folded her arms, looking as if she had won a victory for the upper classes as she stared down at Meg, whose face was burning bright with embarrassment.
Before Meg could reply, a familiar voice came from the bakery door. ‘Meg, I didn’t hear you arrive. Please, please come this way. In fact, come upstairs where it is quieter. I’ve actually had some tables and chairs delivered this week so we can have a sit together for a while.’
Frankie gave Brenda Jones a dark glance as he put his hand into the small of Meg’s back and urged her up the stairs out of the earshot of the pompous woman and his two serving girls. ‘I’m so glad that you are here, I’ve been thinking of you all week. I haven’t the time through the day to visit you and I don’t know where you live, else I’d have been knocking on your door,’ Frankie said all in a rush as he sat both himself and Meg down on the cane-backed chairs with tables to match that now crowded the first floor of the bakery.
Meg ignored his subtle attempt to learn her address. She already felt out of place with the snooty Brenda Jones and didn’t want Frankie to know how right his manager actually was about her life.
‘I know, I’m the same,’ she told him. ‘I don’t know your home address either and I haven’t the time through the day to visit… and besides you are too busy to see me really.’
Frankie reached for her hand and cupped it in his. ‘Take no notice of the dragon downstairs. Marie came and told me that you were asking for me. I never heard you, else I would have come out of the bakery straight away. I was busy sieving some flour for tomorrow’s use.’ Frankie held her hand tight and smiled. ‘I didn’t know whether you would return or not, but I knew that you would have to return my tin so I was praying that I had not deterred you by showing my feelings to you.’
Meg looked at the man who had captivated her heart. ‘No, although I don’t understand what you see in me. There must be hundreds of beautiful wealthy ladies that come into this shop, a lot more educated, wealthy and beautiful than me, so why do I attract you so?’
‘It isn’t about wealth. And you are as beautiful as any of the women that enter the shop. Some of them have so much paint on you can’t see the true woman, but with you, I know that you are both beautiful on the inside and the outside and to me, that is all that matters. And also you share my one passion in life.’ Frankie smiled and leaned forward and kissed her on the lips tenderly. ‘Now where we go from here, I don’t know; neither of us has much time on our hands with one thing and another.’ Frankie looked at Meg and spoke quietly. ‘I will meet you outside the Victoria Parade next Saturday after you have finished work, we can stroll around the shops and perhaps have tea together if you wish?’
‘Yes, I’d like that. Oh… but I promised my friend Daisy I’d help her do some shopping on the same day. I don’t want to let either of you down.’
‘Then you must keep your promise to Daisy. I realize you ladies like to shop and gossip between yourselves; how can I, a mere man, come between you? One evening next week, how about Wednesday evening? Down by the Corn Exchange, we can walk by the riverbank, now that the nights are lighter?’ Frankie tightened his grip on Meg’s hand, waiting for her answer. ‘Unless you would like me to visit you at home? I could meet your mother then and put her mind at rest that I am a decent man. I hope once she sees me and gets to know me?’ Frankie asked but saw a worried frown on Meg’s face.
‘No, I’ll meet you outside the Corn Exchange. Sometimes my mother is not that well and she wouldn’t want you to see her at her worst. Wednesday night will be ideal. Or perhaps I should come to your home?’ Meg suggested, keen to avoid any idea of Frankie coming to the yard.
‘I live right down at Headingley. It would mean you getting a horse and cab or a very long walk, so no, we will meet at the Corn Exchange as planned. I’ll be counting the hours. At least then we will be out of prying ears and eyes.’
‘Yes, I will too. I’ll really look forward to our meeting and walk. I can’t believe that you would look twice at me.’ Meg looked into the kind loving eyes of the man sat next to her.
‘Meg, you are beautiful, it will be with pride I walk out with you. Now, you return to your mother and I will return to my bakery. The dragon downstairs will be pacing the floor, wondering what we are up to. I think I probably made a bad decision when I employed her. She doesn’t know it but I think we will be parting company before long.’
‘Really, I must say, I’m not keen on the woman. She looks at me as if I’m not fit to walk upon this earth,’ Meg said quietly.
‘All the more reason for her to go. Now, my dearest Meg, I must go about my work.’ Frankie bent and kissed Meg tenderly and smiled. ‘Thank you for returning the tin and I’ll see you Wednesday evening.’
‘Yes, I’ll be there.’
Meg caught her breath and smiled at the man she was starting to have feelings for. He was everything she had ever dreamed of. Gone was the idea of her never wanting to walk out with a man or a life without a man by her side.
‘Mam, are you all right?’ Meg stood by the side of her mother’s bed and looked down at her in the dim light of the early morning.
‘Nay, I’m not so good. I’ve had a bad night, I’ve got a lot of pain. I just don’t know where to put myself.’ Agnes fought for breath and winced as she turned in her bed.
‘Have you taken the laudanum that I bought you?’ Meg looked at the bedside for the bottle of liquid that had been easing the pains of her mother and noticed that it was empty. It had only been bought with Friday’s money that she had taken for her wage for the week but now it was gone and her mother was in pain. She could barely afford another bottle but anything was better than seeing her mother in such a state, she thought, as she looked down on the drawn face of the woman she loved.
‘It’s all gone, lass. I rely on it more and more these days. It feels like my body is just being eaten alive with this disease and there’s nowt I can do to stop it.’ Agnes bit back a sob of pain. ‘You get yourself to work. Folk will be wanting their bread. You can’t do owt for me; I’ve got Sarah with me until she goes to school so don’t worry. Once the pain eases I’ll sleep,’ she said through gritted teeth and looked at her daughter with tears in her eyes.
‘I can’t leave you like this. I’ll stay at home today,’ Meg said and felt downhearted. It was Wednesday and she had been looking forward to her meeting with Frankie, but her mother came first, never mind the bakery.
‘No, you go and make your bread,’ Agnes insisted. ‘Serve the folk that comes early and need it for their work, and then if we can afford it, get me some laudanum from the apothecary’s on your way home. I’ll be all right on my own for an hour or two.’ Agnes tried to smile at her daughter, failing to keep the grimace from her features.
‘I’ll do that, Mam, I’ll be back as soon as I can. I’ll only make bread today, serve my early morning customers, and then I’ll put a note on the door telling other folks that I’m closed for the rest of the day. Don’t worry, I’ll take some money out of the safe. I can always go without it on Friday when I give myself my wage. Ted will never know that I’ve taken a sub.’ Meg kissed her mother and looked across at Sarah who was sitting half-asleep on the edge of her bed but in tears as she listened to her mother in agony.
‘Don’t leave me, Meg, I don’t know what to do. What if Mam dies?’ she sobbed.
‘She’s not about to. Now you sit here by her side and talk to her until school time, and then I’ll be back home as soon as you’ve gone. I can’t get any laudanum until the apothecary opens at eight and I have to go to the bakery for some money anyway. Stay strong, Sarah.’ Meg hugged her little sister and then bent down to talk to her mother. ‘Mam, I’ll be back just after nine. Sarah will be with you until then.’
Sarah wiped her eyes and pulled the rickety chair from the side of her bed and took her mother’s hand as she sat down and looked with pleading eyes at Meg as she left the room. ‘We’ll be all right, Mam, I’ll wait until our Meg is back from the bakery. If Miss Pringle is mad with me she’s mad with me, I don’t care, I’ll soon be leaving school anyway.’ She closed her eyes and squeezed her mother’s hand as she moaned in pain and she prayed that her mother would not die on her watch.
Meg made her bread and wrote a note apologising that she was only making bread that day and that the bakery would be closed after nine that morning due to family illness. She placed it on the door and wished for nine to come as quickly as it could. She shouldn’t have left Sarah with her mother. She should have stayed herself, she thought, as she helped herself out of the full to brimming safe of enough money to buy laudanum for the next few days for her mother. She didn’t put her withdrawal in her accounting book as she would take a cut in her agreed wage for the week so that Ted Lund need never know. It was out of desperation anyway; surely he would have understood, she told herself as she put the money in her pocket and waited for her customers who relied on her each morning to appear, watching the clock and praying that her mother would be all right until her return.
However, the pang of guilt would not subside. Taking money that was not hers was wrong, even though it was to give relief to her mother and she would eventually repay it. She still felt uneasy as the first customer entered through the doors and she smiled, trying not to show her personal worries and that she felt like a thief.
Meg raced up the stairs with the bottle of laudanum in her hand. ‘Sarah, you are still here, you should have gone to school.’
‘I couldn’t, I couldn’t leave Mam, although she says she’s feeling a little better.’ Sarah turned and looked at her mother, whose pillow was wet with sweat.
‘That’s right love, it must be your soothing ways. But now you must go to school. Meg’s back, she’ll keep me right now,’ Agnes said quietly and watched as Meg spooned her some laudanum. She lifted her head to sip it eagerly, knowing that it would bring her the relief and sleep that she was craving.
‘There, Mam, that should make things better for you. You’ll happen to get some sleep now,’ Meg said. She hoped the dose that she had given her mother had not been too much but she watched her mother’s face relax and sleep at long last came to her as she muttered, ‘Bless you both, I’m lucky to have such good daughters.’
‘Now she’ll sleep most of the morning, Sarah, and I’ll stay with her, so let’s get you to school. I’ll write a note to Miss Pringle and explain why you’re late and then you won’t be in bother.’
Meg knew that the drug would free her mother of pain for just enough time for her to have a sleep. The trouble was she was starting to become more and more reliant upon the drug and they just couldn’t afford it.
‘I hate school and I hate batty Pringle, she can say what she likes!’ Sarah said as Meg wrote a note to her teacher.
‘You’ve not long to go now, don’t let her think the worst of you. Now, go to school, they are supposed to be the best years of your life. Lord knows, work is not to be wished for. Mam will still be here when you return.’ Meg gave her young sister a quick hug, gave her the note and sent her on her way with her feet dragging. One day she would return from school to some bad news but hopefully it would not be today!
It was showing five to six on the mantel clock and Meg felt her heart aching and a feeling of resentment that her mother was too ill for her to leave. She had been quietly counting the days and minutes to seeing Frankie again and now he would be standing outside the domed shape of the Corn Exchange wondering where she was and had she stood him up? She couldn’t help but feel a little sorry for herself as a tear trickled down her cheek as she let her feelings out.
‘It’s all right love, there’s no need to cry. I’m feeling a little stronger now the laudanum has eased the pain.’ Her mother reached for her hand and smiled. ‘I’m sorry, I’ll be back on my feet tomorrow. You and Sarah are my reason for living, you know that, don’t you, my darling? I’ll hang on for as long as I can. I’m not meeting my maker yet,’ Agnes said in a drug-hazed voice.
‘I know, Mam, and we are here for you, we always will be. Now sleep, I’m here and I’m not going anywhere,’ Meg said. She thought of Frankie’s kisses and sweet words and held her tears back.
It was Friday morning and Agnes had now fought back the pain with the help of laudanum as she whispered to Meg to keep the bakery open as long as she needed and that she would stay in her bed until her return. Although weak, Agnes didn’t look as grey and she had managed to drink some broth the previous evening.
‘I’ll close at twelve then, Mam, I’ll be no later than half past. Sarah promises she’ll go to school on time as well, now you are a little better. You’re sure that you’ll be all right?’ Meg said as she pulled her skirts over her hips.
‘I’ll be grand. What can I get up to if I stay in my bed and drug myself up with this stuff? You are sure we can afford it? I feel so guilty, but it’s the only way I get through the days.’ Agnes put her head back down on the pillow.
‘Don’t worry, Mam, we’ll manage, whatever keeps you going. Now, I’ll be away. See you at dinner time.’
Meg bent down and kissed her mother on her brow and noticed that the laudanum bottle was nearly empty. She would have to buy some more on her way home if her mother was to remain pain-free. That would eat into even more of their money for the week and they could ill afford to do so, but there was nothing else she could do if she was to keep her mother for a little longer on the Earth.
Once at the bakery and she had completed all the regular tasks, Meg looked at her accounts book. She realized she had never accounted for the money that she had taken for her mother’s laudanum and now, as she sat and wrote down her weekly wages into the pages, she thought twice about putting a deduction in wages. Ted Lund would never know and she’d worked bloody hard for him, harder than her piddling two shillings and threepence that she paid herself every week. He was making money hand over fist yet she was not gaining from it. In fact, she would help herself to another sixpence for her mother’s medicines and not bother putting that down either.
She also looked at the month’s invoice from Dinsdale’s that had just been delivered to her by George. She’d pay that at the end of next week before Ted arrived back from Ireland and then all would be straight in the world to his eyes.
As she put an extra sixpence in her pocket she felt a pang of guilt. She’d never stolen in her life and it felt wrong. She tried to convince herself that she wasn’t stealing, that she had earned it ten times over and that God only helped them that helped themselves. She folded her accounts book and put it into the safe as she heard the shop bell ring and tried to forget her guilt as she greeted Daisy with her usual smile.
‘Are you still all right for Saturday?’ Daisy asked. ‘I noticed the other day you were closed early – are things all right at home?’ She looked at her closest friend and could see the worry on her face.
‘Oh Daisy, my mam is getting worse. She’s trying her best but this last day or two she’s been in a lot of pain. I’m keeping her going on laudanum, it is the only thing that stops the pain.’ Meg sighed. ‘I’d forgotten all about Saturday. Would you mind if I don’t come with you? I can’t leave her alone and I already ask so much of Sarah. She’s not quite eleven yet and she’s having to grow up so fast.’
‘Of course I don’t mind. We can make it the following Saturday if you want. It fits in better for me anyway. I thought that I might help my mam with the sewing of her dress for the wedding because she’s getting herself into such a tizzy with it.’
‘Thank you, it’s just I don’t want to leave her when I don’t have to. Work and school are different – both Sarah and I have to do those – but shopping that I can ill afford can wait.’
Daisy looked at Meg and said carefully, hoping that she was not going to dent her friend’s pride, ‘You are all right for money, aren’t you? Laudanum is an expensive habit but if it keeps your mother free from the pain she needs it.’
‘We are managing, thank you,’ Meg said defensively.
Daisy knew something was wrong but didn’t want to pry. ‘Talking about Sarah, I heard on the grapevine that Hunslet Mill is going to be advertising for some burlers and menders. I thought of her straight away when I heard. It’s an ideal first job for a young lass, especially with her being so good with needlework and having a sharp eye for detail. She wouldn’t be near machinery either. As soon as I know more I’ll let you know if you want. I know one of the managers there so I could always put in a good word for her.’
‘Yes, that would suit her,’ Meg agreed. ‘She hates school and if anything did happen to my mam, I couldn’t make sure she would attend all the time. Besides she’s nearly done her schooling. It’s time she was earning some money and her keep.’
‘Right, well, if I hear any more I’ll let you know, and don’t worry about this Saturday, we’ll put it off until the following one. Would that be all right with you?’ Daisy asked and looked at Meg, who she thought looked near to tears.
‘Yes, providing my mam is all right, there shouldn’t be a problem. Thanks, Daisy, sorry I sound an ungrateful soul but I’m so tired and worried about one thing or another.’
‘It’s all right, my love, I understand, you don’t have to explain to me. Just look after yourself and try to do what is right for your mam, that’s all that can be expected when someone’s so ill.’
Unusually, Daisy left without buying anything, leaving Meg mulling over her words. ‘Try and do what is right for your mam.’ That’s what she was doing. She’d pay Ted Lund back when she could, and besides, a shilling was not a lot to help save her mam from pain. Especially when she had made him good money while he was away.