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Getting Hitched
In an ancient Jewish wedding tradition, families of the bride and groom sign a marriage contract called a ketubah. This ketubah from Vercelli, Italy, dates to 1776.
In the 1987 movie The Princess Bride, Buttercup is forced to marry Prince Humperdinck. Dazed by grief after she assumes that Westley, her true love, has been killed by pirates, she weds Humperdinck in a hurried ceremony. Later, when she and Westley are reunited, she confesses that she has been wed to another. He asks if she said “I do.”
“If you didn’t,” he tells her, “you’re not married.” And that means she and Westley can rekindle their romance!
In the real world, the words, actions, and documents that make two people legally or officially married have varied widely across times and cultures. Among the ancient Hebrews, parents negotiated a written marriage contract, called a ketubah, which specified what assets each spouse brought to the match, the husband’s obligations to care for his wife, and how money and property would be distributed if he were to die.
In other societies, no written contract was necessary. All a couple needed to do was express a desire to marry. Two thousand years ago, in the early years of the Roman Catholic Church, for example, couples officiated at their own weddings. No priest or other authority needed to bless the union or provide a written document. In other ancient cultures, including the Mayans of Central America and the Celts of the British Isles, tying a string or ribbon around the couple’s clasped hands, called handfasting, signified the intention of two people to bind their lives together. Prince William and Catherine Middleton included handfasting as part of their wedding ceremony.
In numerous traditional cultures, a couple bound their hands together to indicate their intention to marry. Some twenty-first-century couples have revived the custom, which is called handfasting.
But in earlier eras, most parents weren’t so keen on having their heirs marry whomever they wanted, whenever they wanted. That was way too much freedom. What the parents wanted gradually became law. In Europe, starting in the thirteenth century, laws prohibited clandestine (secret) marriages and elopements. To be legally married, a couple had to follow the right protocol. After both sets of parents had negotiated the terms of the marriage, the engagement period began with reading of the banns, a public announcement of the upcoming marriage at the local church or town council. Anyone who believed the couple should not marry had a chance to speak up. (One remnant of this practice occurs in some modern weddings, when the officiant asks if anyone knows of any reason why the couple should not be married.) As long as no one protested after the reading of the banns, the couple exchanged formal vows in church with witnesses and the official blessing of the priest, parents, and the village.
Historically one primary purpose of marriage was the production of legitimate children, and wedding ceremonies often included rituals to increase fertility. According to a British book of folklore from 1898, fertility would be enhanced if the bride wore “something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, and a silver sixpence [coin] in her shoe.” This custom remains popular in the twenty-first century in the United Kingdom and the United States.
Since procreation was paramount, marriages in Europe in earlier centuries could be invalidated if they were not consummated (completed) through sex. For verification, wedding guests sometimes undressed the couple after the ceremony, placed them in bed, and listened at the door for evidence of sexual activity.
Forcing the Scarf
Brides didn’t always go willingly to the altar. At different times and places in Europe, Asia, Africa, and Central and South America, bride kidnapping was seen as a legitimate form of marriage. Sometimes the “kidnapping” was preplanned by the couple. It was really an elopement, with the woman happy to be carried off by the man she loved. But often the abduction was an act of violence, including rape, carried out by men who couldn’t find willing wives. Fathers sometimes objected to the practice. Not because it was brutal and devastating for their daughters but because bride kidnapping was property theft and they lost the opportunity to arrange a beneficial marriage.
Marriage by capture still happens in the twenty-first century. In the central Asian nation of Kyrgyzstan, for example, as many of 40 percent of marriages are ala kachuu, which means “grab and run.” Sometimes the man and woman are in love and the “kidnapping” is consensual, as in earlier eras. But often men kidnap female acquaintances or even strangers, and the practice has become increasingly violent. Kyrgyz couple Eshen and Tursun, who participated in a consensual “kidnapping” in 1954, explained the change. “We don’t like the modern way of bride-kidnapping. When we were young . . . we knew each other well and exchanged love letters before kidnapping [elopement]. Nowadays, young people violently kidnap women and this is not our tradition,” said Eshen.
A young Kyrgyz woman named Farida was a victim in 2013. She was a twenty-year-old university student with a boyfriend, when twenty-six-year-old Tyhchtybek kidnapped her. He’d met her only twice, but he thought she was good wife material. With his family’s knowledge, he gathered a group of friends, who helped him force her into a car. Back at his house, his family prepared for the forced wedding. After hours of struggling to escape, Farida became too exhausted to resist any longer. Tyhchtybek’s female relatives tied a white scarf around Farida’s head as a sign of her consent. But Farida’s brother had heard that she had been abducted. He went to Tyhchtybek’s house to rescue her, saying, “If my sister wants to stay here, I won’t stop her. But look at her, she is crying and is saying that she wants to leave. So I will take her back home.”
Farida was one of the lucky ones. She was rescued, returned home, and eventually married her boyfriend. Other kidnapping victims aren’t welcomed back by their families, however. Once they end up in a kidnapper’s home, they are considered to have shamed their parents. They have little choice but to resign themselves to marriage to their abductors. Kyrgyzstan outlawed bride kidnapping in 1994, but the crime is rarely prosecuted there. And bride abduction is not limited to Kyrgyzstan. It takes place in at least seventeen countries, including China, Mexico, Russia, and parts of southern Africa.
Making It Legal
If you want to get married in the United States, you must comply with a number of legal requirements, which vary by state. Generally the process starts at the county courthouse. The couple pays a fee and applies for a marriage license. To get the license, the couple must demonstrate that they meet all the necessary conditions:
- They must be of legal age to marry (as young as twelve with parental consent in some states, typically eighteen without).
- They must not be legally married to anyone else.
- They must be entering into the marriage freely.
Many states also prohibit first cousins from marrying, to prevent couples with similar genetic makeups from passing on genetic diseases to their children.
Some states impose a waiting period between the application and issuance of a marriage license. Others require waiting between the licensing and the wedding. Others have no waiting periods. An officiant, such as a religious leader, a judge, or another state-authorized official, conducts the ceremony. This person also fills out the marriage certificate, which is signed by the couple, witnesses, and the officiant. The paperwork is then registered with the state, and the couple is legally married.
The ritual of marriage carries meaning and benefits. Weddings are public announcements that a new family unit is being established. Gifts of household goods and cash can help a couple equip and furnish their home, take a honeymoon, or set up a savings account. From a legal perspective, moving from single to married status provides protections and benefits. A married couple often qualifies for tax credits. One spouse can inherit property and money, tax free, when the other spouse dies. Spouses can visit each other in the hospital and make medical decisions for each other, no questions asked. They can also more easily adopt children.
Anyone who meets state requirements can marry in the United States. For those in a rush to get married, the Little White Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas, Nevada, offers a drive-up wedding window.
A Japanese groom and bride don traditional wedding kimonos.
Red for Luck
Wedding ceremonies are full of symbolism. Rings, dresses, flowers, food, and gifts—almost everything is ripe with meaning. Many of the symbols date back to previous centuries.
The white wedding gown, for example, became popular after Britain’s Queen Victoria wore white at her 1840 wedding to Prince Albert. In Western nations, white is a symbol of virginity. Many twenty-first-century brides wear white wedding gowns, even if they aren’t virgins. Japanese brides typically wear white kimonos, often lined with red. Many Ghanaian brides choose brightly colored, patterned fabrics. In China, India, Pakistan, Vietnam, and other parts of Asia, the traditional bridal gown is red to symbolize good luck and a prosperous future.
The wedding outfit for a groom also varies from culture to culture. In the United States and Europe, a black tuxedo or a finely tailored suit is standard. But like Prince William, some Western grooms choose a military dress uniform. Scottish grooms often don kilts—knee-length pleated skirts, traditionally worn by soldiers. In India many grooms wear a sherwani, an elaborately embroidered, fitted jacket that falls to the knee. Among the Yoruba people of Nigeria and Benin in West Africa, a groom might wear a brightly colored, wide-sleeved robe called an agbada over loose trousers.
Ceremonies often include a ritual to mark the couple’s transition from their families of origin to their life together. In a Christian or secular wedding in the West, the father (or both parents) often walks the bride down the aisle and gives her away to the groom. During a Hindu wedding, the bride’s mother pours water into the hands of the father of the bride. He then pours the same water into the groom’s hands, who pours it into the bride’s hands. The transfer of water symbolizes the connection between generations and the continuation of the family heritage.
Many weddings include some kind of exchange. In Western Christian and secular weddings, a couple exchanges wedding rings. In weddings in the Eastern Orthodox Church—the major Christian church of Greece, Russia, eastern Europe, and some parts of Africa and the Middle East—the priest presses the couple’s wedding rings against their foreheads three times, and the couple exchanges the rings between them three times. In both Hindu and native Hawaiian weddings, the bride and groom exchange flower garlands. In Gambia and Senegal in Africa, the groom offers kola nuts to the bride’s family, and in exchange, they offer him advice about married life.
Water flows from hand to hand in a Hindu wedding ceremony. The bride’s hands (decorated with henna) receive the water last. The pouring of water symbolizes the link between families and generations.
Japanese couples sip sake (a rice wine) three times from three different cups to show the new family bond. Among the Yoruba, the couple tastes sour, bitter, hot, and sweet foods that symbolize the ups and downs of married life. The sequence ends with sweet foods in hopes of a marriage filled with sweetness. At a Korean wedding, the couple’s parents toss dates (symbolizing girls) and chestnuts (symbolizing boys) at the bride. She tries to catch them in her skirt to ensure fertility. At the end of a Jewish wedding ceremony, the groom crushes a wineglass underfoot. Jewish scholars say that the act has many meanings, including an acknowledgment of the fragility of human relationships.
Over-the-Top Weddings
Wedding ceremonies can vary tremendously, depending on faith, culture, and the preferences of the couple. Many twenty-first-century couples merge customs from multiple traditions to create a ceremony that captures their unique personalities.
When April Pignataro told her mother that she and her fiancé, Michael Curry, wanted to get married in a shark tank, her mom was not amused. But April got her way. She donned a white wet suit (the groom wore a black-and-blue wet suit) and scuba gear so that she and Michael could exchange vows underwater at the Atlantis Marine World aquarium in New York. (Search YouTube for “Wedding with Sharks” to see the ceremony.) The officiant, who was standing outside the tank, communicated with the bride and groom via radio. At one point, he said, “You’ve expressed your desire to be husband and wife. Can someone move this shark?”
Abigail Kirk and Andy Weeks from Bournemouth, England, got married in a Twilight-themed wedding, complete with music from the movie Breaking Dawn—Part I, in which the Twilight characters Bella and Edward get married. Abigail’s wedding dress and the flower arrangements were modeled on those in the movie. These Twihard fans even legally changed their last name to Cullen, which is Edward’s last name.
The officiant at Jennifer Landa and Joshua Busch’s wedding began with this line: “Love is the force that allows us to face our fear and the uncertainties with courage. Sounds like Star Wars.” It sure did! The Star Wars–themed wedding included lightsabers, a bridal escort of imperial storm troopers, flower girls with Princess Leia buns, Tauntaun and Wampa cake toppers, and the father of the bride dressed as Darth Vader. (Search Vimeo for “Josh + Jennifer” to watch the wedding.)
Some weddings end up in the record books. According to Guinness World Records, the largest wedding ever held took place in Madras, India, in 1995 and included 150,000 guests. A Chinese bride entered the record book with a 1.6-mile (2.6 km) train behind her wedding dress in 2015. And Ohio bride Jill Stapleton asked all 110 students at her dance studio to be bridesmaids at her wedding in 2010, breaking the previous record of ninety bridesmaids.
And then there is money. Vanisha Mittal, the daughter of a billionaire, and investment banker Amit Bhatia spent about $60 million on their 2004 wedding celebration in France. Prince William and Catherine Middleton’s spectacular wedding cost about $34 million. And of course, there’s reality television star Kim Kardashian. Her 2011 marriage to professional basketball player Kris Humphries lasted only seventy-two days. The price tag?—$11 million!
Keeping It Simple
For the vast majority of couples, that kind of money is impossible. Georgia’s Christina McGinnis and Brian Green wanted to get married, but the planning was stressful, time-consuming, and expensive. “It took away the purpose and excitement of being married,” said Green. He planned a surprise flash-mob wedding for McGinnis because, he explained, “the marriage is what’s important.” McGinnis thought that a close friend needed her to model for a wedding dress photo shoot at the local mall. As McGinnis posed in front of a giant Christmas tree, her father appeared with a bouquet and told her that she was getting married. Suddenly, all her friends and family formed an aisle, her groom and the officiant appeared, and they tied the knot.
Another simple approach is the environmentally friendly wedding. Ideas include holding the ceremony outdoors, in a park or a garden, with only the sun to provide lighting. Printing invitations on recycled paper or sending e-invitations, buying organic flowers, and serving food from local organic farms are other eco-friendly options. Used or hand-me-down wedding outfits are also more Earth-friendly than brand-new ones.
