Work, School, and Other Necessary Evils
Q: What does a new dad who hates 9-to-5 jobs do?
A: He goes out and gets a 9-to-5 job is what.
I tried to write a novel, but it didn’t work out. I guess I didn’t have the write stuff.
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A set of jumper cables goes into a bar. “Can I get a drink?” the cables ask.
“Okay,” the bartender replies. “But don’t start anything.”
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Q: What’s the definition of meeting?
A: A wasted hour full of useless info that could’ve been covered in an e-mail.
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Q: Why do dog trainers have long-lasting marriages?
A: Because they know how to get someone to stay.
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I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war.
—George W. Bush
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A man walks into a clothing shop and says, “Hi, I’d like to try on that slick suit in the store window.”
“Sure,” the clerk replies, “but wouldn’t you be more comfortable using a dressing room?”
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Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
Applicant: Probably differentiating between reality and fantasy. Sometimes it’s hard to know what’s really possible and what’s just a pipe dream.
Interviewer: Okay. What are your strengths?
Applicant: I was born on the planet Krypton, which gives me super-strength and the ability to fly.
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Q: When do sailors stop playing cards?
A: When their captain is on deck.
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What dads say: “Sorry, can’t talk—I’ve got to leave for an early meeting.”
What dads mean: “I don’t want to have this awkward conversation right now.”
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Q: Why can’t you lie to X-ray technicians?
A: Because they can see right through you.
One day, a teacher sent the class troublemaker to the principal’s office. “Do you know why you’re here?” asked the principal.
Hesitating, the kid asked, “Because of this morning?”
“Yes,” the principal said sternly. “Your teacher says you ran in the hall, hit two students, started a food fight in the cafeteria, and cursed at one of your classmates.”
“Boy, that’s a relief,” the student said with a sigh. “I thought you found out I broke your car windshield.”
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Q: How do farmers keep track of their livestock?
A: With a cowculator.
When the boss is out on vacation
A man walked into a bar and ordered a fruit punch. The bartender said, “If you want a fruit punch, you’ll have to stand in line.” The man looked around, but there was no punchline.
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Cain.
Cain who?
Cain you have management decide what they want before you have me run in circles redoing work multiple times only to decide it was fine the way it was and you don’t need my services after all?
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An artist friend of mine asked me how I liked his self-portrait. I told him that it was good, except the eyebrows were too low and too close together.
He seemed angry!
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Did you hear about the butcher who got behind in his work?
Poor guy slipped, fell, and got his rear end stuck in the meat grinder.
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Boss: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Employee: I’m just trying to make it to Friday, man.
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Q: How do you keep your newspaper from flying away in the wind?
A: Use a news anchor.
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A man was lying in the street, unconscious and bleeding. A psychologist who happened to be passing by rushed up to him and exclaimed, “My God! Whoever did this really needs help!”
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Q: What’s a good name for a mountain climber?
A: Cliff.
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Kent.
Kent who?
Kent you tell who this is?
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Son: Dad, what do you do for a living?
Dad: Son, I’m not entirely sure.
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Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
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Imagine how much worse meetings were back before you could pretend to take notes on your phone while you were really just messing around on Twitter.
Q: Why did the urologist lose his license?
A: He got in trouble with his peers.
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Did you hear about the cowboy with dietary restrictions?
He was rootin’ tootin’ free of gluten.
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Q: Why did the detective stay in bed all day?
A: He was working undercover.
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A police officer caught two kids playing with a car battery and a firework.
He charged one and let the other one go.
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Guy: What does your wife do for a living?
Friend: Well, it’s difficult to say.
Guy: What do you mean?
Friend: Shelly sells seashells. By the seashore.
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Two guys are working on an assembly line. The first guy says, “I bet I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The other man says, “I want the day off, too! But how?”
“Just watch.” The first guy climbs on top of the machines and all the way up to the rafters. There, he swings his legs around and hangs upside down. Then he calls down to the boss, “Look at me!”
The boss exclaims, “What are you doing up there?”
The guy responds, “I’m a light bulb.”
Shaking his head, the boss says, “Have you been working too hard? I think you’re going crazy! Take the day off.” As the employee climbs down, his cohort on the assembly line heads for the exit, too. “Why are you leaving?” the boss asks the second guy.
“Well,” the man replies, “how am I supposed to work without lights?”
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Q: How is apathy different from indifference?
A: Eh, who cares?
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SOME OF DAD’S FAVORITE TOM SWIFTIES
“I used to own that gold mine,”
Tom ex-claimed.
“Measure twice before you cut,”
Tom remarked.
“Blow on the fire so it doesn’t go out,”
Tom bellowed.
“Thanks for shredding the cheese,”
said Tom gratefully.
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Q: Why does the Norwegian navy place bar codes on all of its ships?
A: So it can scan the navy in.
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Adair.
Adair who?
Adair once, but now I’m bald.
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Child: Dad, what does the word “contemplate” mean?
Father: Think about it.
Child: Can’t you just tell me?!
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My boss told me I’ve been late three times this week. So I guess that means today is Wednesday.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
It’s the Gregorian calendar.
The Mission: Impossible movies are a lot like my life. I’m just as stealthy as Tom Cruise’s character when I try to leave my office at 5 p.m. without anyone seeing me and asking me a question.
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Did you hear about the illegally parked frog?
He got toad.
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Customer: How much for a haircut?
Barber: Twenty dollars.
Customer: How about a shave?
Barber: Ten dollars.
Customer: Great. Shave my head.
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My dog is a magician. He’s a labracadabrador.
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Wayne.
Wayne who?
The Wayne is really coming down out here!
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One day during a rainstorm, a boss told an intern to water the plants outside the office. “But it’s raining,” the intern protested. The boss retorted, “Then take an umbrella!”
Q: Why did the tech company hire a frog?
A: He was an excellent debugger.
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Life insurance agent to a would-be client: Don’t let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonight. If you wake up in the morning, give me a call and let me know.
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Patient: I think I’m a moth.
Dentist: You should see a psychiatrist, not a dentist.
Patient: I’m already seeing a psychiatrist.
Dentist: Then why are you here?
Patient: Your light was on.
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Q: What candy do happy cowboys eat?
A: Jolly Ranchers.
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A horse walks into a bar. “Hey!” yells the bartender.
“Yes, please!” replies the horse.
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A sandwich walks into a bar. “Sorry,” the bartender says, “we don’t serve food here.”
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Q: What do you get if you rearrange the letters of postman?
A: A really ticked-off postman.
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An art gallery owner approached an artist one day. “Good news,” she told the artist. “A man came in today asking about two of your paintings and a sculpture.”
“That’s great! What did he want to know?”
The owner replied, “He was curious about whether your work would appreciate in value after your death.”
“I suppose so. Did you get his contact info?” the artist asked.
“I didn’t need to. He said he’s your doctor.”
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The best part about conference calls is that you can multitask during them…as long as you remember to mute the phone. Especially when you flush.
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A man goes to a toy store to get a Barbie doll for his kid. He asks the store clerk how much a Barbie costs.
The clerk says, “Doctor Barbie is $29.99, Gym Rat Barbie is $29.99, Latin America Barbie is $29.99, Beach Bum Barbie is $29.99, Party Barbie is $29.99, and Divorcée Barbie is $329.99.”
“Whoa,” the dad says. “Why is Divorcée Barbie over $300 when the rest are $29.99?”
“Divorcée Barbie comes with extra perks,” the employee explains. “She’s got Ken’s house, Ken’s beach hut, Ken’s car, and Ken’s boat.”
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I’ve been to the dentist a lot. I know the drill.
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Q: Why did the truck driver finally stop farting?
A: He ran out of gas.
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Boss: We need to talk about your workplace attire.
Employee: Why? Haven’t you heard the phrase “dress for the job you want”?
Boss: Yes, but that doesn’t mean you can come to work in a Spider-Man costume.
I don’t burn bridges.
But I do fail to maintain them, and they structurally degrade over time.
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Scientists were testing new compounds at a facility way out in the desert in Nevada. Unfortunately, there was a major biohazardous spill. Several countries came to the rescue. Russia, China, and Germany all sent state-of-the-art waste removal robots to help the U.S. robot clean up the site.
First, the Chinese robot broke down before it even reached the highly irradiated site. Then the American android worked in the zone for eight minutes before it, too, shut down. The German robot managed to clean for 20 minutes before finally succumbing to the immense heat and radiation. But during all this time, the Russian robot was hard at work, and the engineers from all the other nations watched in awe as it continued to remove waste for more than two hours.
A supervisor asked the Russian officer stationed there, “How is your robot still working after all this time?” The officer looked at them, glanced at the clock, and shouted over the communications system, “Private Anatoly! Come on out. Your shift is over.”
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I had to change the font in this letter I’m writing. It just wasn’t my type.
BAD ADVICE FROM A REAL DAD
“Drive fast. The shorter the time you take to reach your destination, the less chance there is for you to get into an accident.”
Kid: In class, we’re studying different people’s names and where they came from. Why is my sister named Daisy?
Dad: Because your mom’s a gardener and loves flowers.
Kid: Oh! Thanks.
Dad: You got it, Sleeping in the Hammock.
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Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
—Steven Wright
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Q: What’s it called when a hospital doesn’t have any maternity nurses available?
A: A mid-wife crisis.
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Harvey.
Harvey who?
Harvey having fun yet?
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A truck driver noticed that cars kept cutting him off when he was trying to change lanes. He asked his passenger, “Hey, lean your head out the window to see if the turn signals are working.”
The other guy did as he was asked. He reported, “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no…”
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Q: Who makes the sandwiches for an office?
A: A sub committee.
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Teen: I need a quick way to make some cold, hard cash.
Dad: Put your money in the freezer!
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Q: What kind of snacks do firefighters eat?
A: Firecrackers.
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Amos.
Amos who?
Amosquito just bit me!
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Kid: Can I have a spare key?
Grandpa: Take the piano. It’s got plenty of keys.
Q: Why did the reporter go to the ice cream shop?
A: He needed a scoop.
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I tried to make reservations at the library. Unfortunately, they were booked.
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Did you hear about the farmer who farted so explosively that it graced a thousand ears?
That poor cornfield.
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Kid: What would you do if your sock got a big hole in it?
Dad: I’d say, “Darn it!”
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Gideon.
Gideon who?
Gideon up off your keister, and let’s go!
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Law firm partner: Would you say that you’re honest?
Applicant: Let me explain it this way. My father lent me $100,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case.
Partner: That’s impressive. What was the case?
Applicant: My father sued me for $100,000.
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I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk. But I never got the chants.
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Q: What’s the most secure and foul-smelling place in the United States?
A: Fart Knox.
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Daughter: Can you help with my homework?
Dad: What subject?
Daughter: Geometry.
Dad: Gee, tree, I’m Dad!
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Somebody blew up the Rogaine lab, and now there’s hair everywhere. Police are combing the area.
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“Please put some folds in these trousers,” Tom pleaded.
Q: Why did the dumb guy fart at the cemetery?
A: Because he saw a tombstone that read “RIP.”
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Q: How do you know when trees are ready to go home?
A: They leaf.
Q: What’s the difference between your boss and a mob boss?
A: The mob boss only requires you to kiss his ring.
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One evening, the airmen stationed at Area 51—the classified Air Force facility—were surprised to see a Cessna landing there. Immediately, the Military Police impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot claimed his plane had a fuel leak and ran out of gas. Panicking, he had headed toward the only buildings in sight to make an emergency landing. The Air Force conducted a full background check on the pilot and held him overnight.
By the next day, the investigators believed the pilot’s story and cleared him for release. After the plane was fixed and fueled, a lieutenant threatened the pilot with prison time if he ever told a soul that he’d been there, and the pilot flew away. The next day, however, the airmen were shocked to see the same Cessna land on base. Once again, the MPs surrounded the plane. This time, there were two people inside the craft. The same pilot jumped out with his hands up and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane, and you have to tell her where I was last night!”
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My computer’s pop-up message said the password had to be eight characters long. So I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
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Q: Where does a tree keep all of its stuff?
A: In its trunk.
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My father is named Bradley, and he found out his wife was pregnant on the same day he finished college.
That day was rad for dad grad Brad!
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Q: What did the nose say to the finger?
A: “Stop picking on me!”
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A man stood trial for robbery. The jury came back into the courtroom to return the verdict. The foreman stood and announced, “Not guilty.”
The defendant leaped to his feet and shouted excitedly, “Does that mean I get to keep the money?”
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Q: What’s a good name for a woman who set her credit card bill on fire?
A: Bernadette.
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Q: What did one photon say to the other photon?
A: “I’m sick and tired of your interference!”
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Q: What did the subatomic duck say?
A: “Quark!”
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This museum I work for has way too many fossils.
I have a bone to pick with them.
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“We’ve taken over the government,” Tom cooed.
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Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
A: Lawsuits.
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Crimes happen every day.
But the guy who got caught robbing the bakery really takes the cake.
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Q: Why did the guy eat yeast and shoe polish before bed?
A: Because in the morning he wanted to rise and shine.
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Rufus.
Rufus who?
Rufus covered in snow—let me in before it slides down and buries me!
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Q: Why did the cow jump over the moon?
A: The farmer had cold hands.
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Q: How do you know hardcover books have mothers?
A: They’re always wearing jackets.
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Somebody really did a number in the office bathroom.
I got upset until I remembered that I work from home, and I’m the only one here.
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A man walks into a supermarket and asks the clerk, “Can I get some candy for my kids?”
“Sorry,” the clerk says, “we don’t do exchanges.”
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My employees got me this reversible jacket.
I can’t wait to see how it turns out!
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Q: Why are seafood chefs so strong?
A: They’ve got a lot of mussels.
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How hard is it for an astronaut to get life insurance? It’s not rocket science!
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A doctor and a lawyer meet at a party. As they try to chat, they’re constantly interrupted. The other partygoers keep describing their medical problems to the doctor, wanting free advice. Finally, the frustrated doctor asks the lawyer, “How do you stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re not at work?”
“I give it to them,” the lawyer says, “and then I mail them a bill.”
The doctor decides to give it a try. A couple days later, he goes out to mail a stack of invoices to people who bothered him at the party. In his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
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“You dropped a stitch,” Tom needled.
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What dads say: “Sure, Boss, I’ll have that to you first thing tomorrow.”
What dads mean: “Sure, Boss, I’ll have that to you at 4:59 p.m. tomorrow.”
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Q: Why did the polo player get thrown out of the match?
A: He was horsing around.
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Q: How did the shoe salesman get his young daughter into an R-rated movie?
A: He had to sneaker in.
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I’m one of 8/3 of people who will admit that they’re bad at fractions.
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I was going to nail a bookshelf to the wall. But then I thought to myself, “Oh, screw it.”
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Dad: Hey, before you go out there and sing tonight, let me give you a piece of advice.
Kid: What is it, Dad?
Dad: Don’t forget a bucket.
Kid: Why?
Dad: To carry your tune!
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Q: What grade did the eyeball get in math?
A: C.
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Did you hear about the middle-schooler who had really smelly armpits?
His teacher gave him an A because he never raised his hand in class.
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Baldwin.
Baldwin who?
You’ll be Baldwin you’re older.
“I suppose there’s room for one more,” Tom admitted.
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Q: How is your workplace like a septic tank?
A: The biggest lumps always rise to the top.
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Q: How did the mathematician resolve his constipation problem?
A: He worked it out with a pencil.
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees.
I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
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Q: Why’s it so hard to work at McDonald’s?
A: The boss is a clown.
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By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be a boss and work 12 hours a day.
—Robert Frost
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Adam’s father died. While going through his father’s possessions, Adam found a claim stub dated January 1986. Curious, he called the phone number and found that it was a shoe repair shop. Adam took the ticket there, and miraculously, the shop owner located a pair of leather loafers that belonged to his father. “Sorry, you can’t take the shoes today,” the owner said. “They’ll be ready next week.”
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Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Why don’t you think about it, and we’ll circle around later with an action plan at tomorrow’s meeting, okay?
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JoAnn never wanted her son to grow up to be a thief. But it’s her own fault.
She shouldn’t have named him Rob.
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Q: What class do snakes teach?
A: Hissssstory.
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Q: Can an egg get into college?
A: Sure, if it passes the entrance eggs-am.
I went on vacation and haven’t been to work in a week. When I return, I’ll need retraining.
I’ve completely forgotten how to play Angry Birds!
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Q: Why did the football player buy a new lawn mower?
A: He had ten yards to go.
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My fear of moving stairs isn’t improving. If anything, it’s escalating.
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A man walks into a bar. Recognizing him, the bartender says, “Hey, I’ve got a great new joke for you!”
The NSA director smiles and replies, “Already heard it.”
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Q: What was left after an explosion at a French cheese factory?
A: Nothing but de brie.
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Q: What do your supervisor and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: Both are empty from the neck up.
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Q: Why is grandpa so wrinkled?
A: He hates being ironed.
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Museum tour guide: This museum is full of art–
Dad: Then they better let Art out!
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I’m so old I went to school with the Sun. It got straight A’s. It was so bright!
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Q: Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed?
A: His pupils were out of control.
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My sister just married a taxi cab driver. She was apparently unaware of his checkered past.
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Q: Why are pirate parties so dangerous?
A: Because they always go overboard.
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Two boys are arguing in a classroom when their teacher walks in. “Whoa, whoa, what are you two fighting about?” she asks.
“We found a $10 bill on the ground, and we decided that whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it,” one boy says.
“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” the teacher replies. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys glance at each other, nod, and hand the $10 bill to the teacher.
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A woman stopped being a nun after 20 years. She was ready to give up her habits.
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Did you hear about the driver who ran into a truck full of strawberries?
Talk about a traffic jam.
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Q: Why did the cartoon character have bad credit?
A: She was overdrawn.
Did you hear about the physics professor who dated a biology professor?
They ended their experiment. There was no chemistry.
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I ran into an old friend the other day.
He’s going to be fine, but my car is totaled.
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Q: What did the atom say when he lost an electron?
A: “Man, I really need to keep an ion those things.”
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Q: How do you make a million dollars trading penny stocks?
A: Start with two million dollars.
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Impatient pirate.
Impatient pirate wh—
Arrrrrr!
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Fishing in the ocean is serious work.
It’s not something you do just for the halibut.
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Somebody stole my sandwich out of the workplace fridge around 11 this morning! I got really mad until I realized I was full and didn’t need lunch anyway…and it was because I’d already eaten that sandwich.
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Q: Where’s the fastest place to throw your garbage?
A: Into the dash can.
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Q: Where’s the best place to go Father’s Day shopping?
A: Tie-Land.
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I used to work at a pepper factory, but I quit. It was nothing to sneeze at.
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Q: Why is lettuce so good at accounting?
A: It has a real head for it.
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“Dolphins are highly intelligent,” the aquarium tour guide said. “After just a few weeks in captivity, they can train humans to stand nearby and throw fish to them.”
Q: Why did the old flashlight drop out of school?
A: It just wasn’t very bright.
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Did you hear about the clown who lived in the desert?
He had a dry sense of humor.
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A cowboy walks into a bar. “What can I get for you?” the bartender asks.
“A double whiskey, neat,” he replies.
As the bartender pours, she asks, “How’s it going today?”
“I have a problem with my horses,” the cowboy admits. “I want to train one of them to be a racehorse and the other to be a workhorse, but they look so similar I can’t tell them apart!”
The bartender thinks it over for a minute and says, “How about you cut off one of their manes?”
“That’s actually a great idea,” the cowboy says.
One month later, the cowboy returns to the bar, looking depressed again. The bartender asks, “How are your horses?”
“The mane trick worked great at first, but then the hair grew back, and I can’t tell them apart!”
She suggests, “Can you shave the hair off one of their tails?”
“That just might work…” the cowboy replies.
Another month passes. The cowboy returns, distraught. “Their tails and manes are the same length again!” he complains.
Exasperated, the bartender asks, “Can’t you just measure their height or something?”
A week later, the cowboy runs in joyously and hugs the surprised bartender. “What’s going on?” the bartender asks.
“It worked! The white horse is three inches taller than the black horse!”
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A monastery opened up a fish-and-chips stand to earn money. One day, a customer came in and asked, “Are you the fish fryer?”
“No,” the monk said. “I’m the chip munk.”
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To be indecisive, or not indecisive, that is the question.
Or is it?
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Did you hear about the fisherman magician?
He says, “Pick a cod, any cod!”
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Aiken.
Aiken who?
Ow, my Aiken back!
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand stuck in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.
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A circus clown got sick and couldn’t perform. It was just a case of conjestion.
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I used to be an accountant, from age 21 to 33. Then they fired me for no reason.
What a complete waste of 18 years.
Did you hear about the army sergeant who was knocked down a rank?
It was corporal punishment.
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Q: What do you call twin police officers?
A: Copies.
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Q: Why did the man quit the butcher training program?
A: He just couldn’t cut it.
Curing cucumbers is tough. One mistake and you wind up in a pickle.
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Dad: Son, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked 12 miles to school.
Son: Dad, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was president.
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A mouse and her baby were wandering down an alley when a cat jumped out at them. The mother mouse shouted, “Woof!” and scared the cat away. “See?” the mom said. “That’s why it’s important to learn a foreign language.”
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Did you hear about the belt that went to prison?
It held up a pair of pants.
Q: Why did the raisin think things were going so well?
A: Because it was on a roll.
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Q: Who will succeed King Rabbit on the throne?
A: Prince Bunny, the hare apparent.
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A man calls his travel agent to book a flight. “How many people are flying with you?” the agent asks.
“How should I know?” he says. “I don’t control the bookings.”
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Did you hear about the chiropractor who worked a double shift?
He did it back to back.
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Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of a closet?
A: “Supplies!”
Police officer: Sir, please open the door and come out immediately.
Me: But I’m going to the bathroom!
Police officer: Yes, but you’re in a taxi!
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On his deathbed, a businessman called his friend Bill. He said, “Bill…promise me that when I die, you’ll have me cremated.”
“Of course,” Bill said. “What do you want me to do with your ashes?”
“Just put them in a box and mail them,” the businessman replied, struggling for breath.
“Mail them?”
“To the IRS,” he said weakly. “And write on the envelope, ‘Now you have everything.’ ”
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Mom: How’s your class on Communist history going?
Teen: I had to drop out of it.
Mom: What for?
Teen: Lousy Marx.
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A man tried to sell me a marionette for a shockingly low price. I should’ve known that there were strings attached.
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Did you hear about the shiitake farmer?
He worked hard, and eventually his business started to mushroom.
What dads say: “Wow, what a great story!”
What dads mean: “I tuned out 20 minutes ago because kids take forever to tell a story.”
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Dwight Eisenhower and Robert E. Lee were leaders of men. Generally speaking.
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Q: What candy do sailors eat?
A: Lifesavers.
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I got a letter from the bank saying that it was a final notice. Great, they aren’t going to bug me anymore!
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Q: How can you spot an anxious carpenter?
A: He bites his nails.
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Two brothers named Hans and Sven were walking by the fjord one day when Hans fell in.
Sven went home alone, and his mother asked, “Sven, where is your brother?”
“Look, Ma,” he said, “no Hans.”
“Let’s stock up at the soil sale today,” the landscaper said. “It’s dirt cheap!”
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Kid: Dad, I have practice after school. Can you bring my gym clothes?
Dad: No way! Tell Jim to bring his own clothes!
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Q: What’s the weirdest thing about a support group for hypochondriacs?
A: Members call in sick, but they all show up for the meeting anyway.
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The other day, I was in an old building with an elevator run by a young operator. He kept calling me “son” even though I’m clearly older than him. “Why do you call me that?” I asked. He responded, “I brought you up, didn’t I?”
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Ideas that come off the top of your head are hair-raising!
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My dad worked for a hunting club that paid him in venison and trophy heads. He was very good at his job, which is why they paid him the big bucks.
Never get into peach farming.
It’s the pits!
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YOU KNOW YOU’RE A DAD WHEN…
• you suddenly know all the words to every Eagles song.
• you get up early on a Saturday morning to make sure you’ll be tired enough for a couch nap that afternoon.
• you change your car’s oil exactly every 2,000 miles.
• mowing the lawn is no longer a chore, but a privilege.
• you can actually tell old John Wayne movies apart.
• your idea of fun is aimlessly wandering around the home improvement section of any store.
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Apparently, “Casual Friday” doesn’t mean “show up in a ratty T-shirt and boxer shorts and eat chips all day at my desk.”
They should’ve been more specific.
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Do you want to hear a joke about dairy farmers?
Never mind, it’s too cheesy.
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A man and his daughter got on a flight, and the stewardess directed the daughter to seat 2B.
“Oh, you got the Shakespeare seat,” the dad said. “2B, get it?”
“Actually,” the daughter said, “all seats are Shakespeare seats.”
“How so?” the dad asked.
“They’re all either 2B or not 2B.”
I like to sleep with the lamp on.
My wife thinks it’s weird, but I think it’s cozy to sleep with something covering my head.
I vowed to be cool as a cucumber at work this week.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t fit into that cool cucumber’s tiny leather jacket and sunglasses.
BAD ADVICE FROM A REAL DAD
“ ‘There’s no future in those bloody computers, Son.’ 35 years ago.”
Q: What’s a good name for a female firefighter?
A: Ashley.
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As an electrician, I never have a hard time finding work. I’m just really good at making connections.
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I went to school for a while to learn how to be a train driver. But then I got sidetracked.
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A man gets hit by a car. As the paramedics load him into an ambulance, one of them asks, “Are you comfortable?”
“Oh, I make a good living,” he replies.
Did you hear about the terrible singer who got locked out of his house?
He couldn’t find his key.
A police officer stopped a man for driving the wrong way down a one-way street. “Where do you think you’re going?” the cop asked.
“I’m not sure,” the driver said, “but I must be late because everyone else is already going home.”
Did you hear about the scientist who cloned a deer?
She just used a doe-it-yourself kit.
I don’t mind going to work. The true annoyance is having to stay there for 40 hours a week doing the jobs of four people while getting paid the salary of one.
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The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.
—Robert Frost
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A village blacksmith hired an apprentice. The blacksmith told the boy, “When I take the horseshoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on this anvil. And when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.” The apprentice did just as he was told. And that’s how he became the village blacksmith.