Family Life and Creature Comforts
I want to be a billionaire, just like my dad. He also wants to be a billionaire.
Q: What does a young computer call its father?
A: Data.
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Kid: Dad, what does that sign say?
Dad: Nothing. You have to read it!
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I get so annoyed when my wife reminds me to fix something. If I said I’m going to fix it, I’ll fix it. There’s no need to remind me about it every three months.
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Q: Which breed of horse can jump higher than a house?
A: All breeds. Houses don’t jump.
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I spent $10,000 for a fancy new front door for the house.
I sure made a grand entrance.
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew you know how fine you look right now? It’s too bad we cantaloupe.
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I intended to buy eight cans of Sprite. But when I got home, I realized I’d picked seven up.
Kid: Why do you stand on one leg while you get money out of the ATM?
Dad: I’m checking my balance.
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After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it over!
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Q: What kind of dog swims the best?
A: A lap dog.
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I had a good dad.
Or at least he was a better dad than his jokes were.
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Q: What’s the favorite color of a dad who’s answering the phone?
A: “Yellow!”
The best part of the movie is whatever part you missed when you had to take your kid to the bathroom.
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Kid: My math teacher said I’m average.
Parent: Well, that’s just mean.
My mother: You have a piece of glitter on your face.
Me: Oh, Bobby did an art project at school that had glitter.
My mother: Cute! Let me see!
Me: It was three years ago.
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I thought your mom’s wedding ring was expensive. Think of how much Saturn’s must have cost.
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LIES DADS TELL
“I don’t have a favorite child.”
“I definitely can tell that this is a drawing of a cow.”
“I certainly ate my vegetables when I was your age!”
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A wife was making fried eggs for breakfast. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said. “Careful! Add some more butter! My gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh, dear! They’re going to stick! Careful. I said be careful! You never listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt!”
The wife glared at her husband. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry some eggs?”
The husband replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
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I’ve had five children.
I’m kidding!
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Dad: Today in the park I pet a gosling!
Child: Really?
Dad: Yep. I was feeling a little down.
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You know what they say about really smart kids.
They’re often in a class by themselves.
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Amazon.
Amazon who?
Amazon of my mother and father.
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I told my wife I was afraid I took too many sleeping pills. She advised me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he knocks on the door and inquires about the dog. The dog’s owner whistles and calls, “Harry!”
Harry the dog runs over. “So,” the prospective buyer says to the dog, “what kind of life have you led?”
“A very full one,” Harry responds. “I lived in the Alps, where I rescued avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Afghanistan. Now I spend my days lecturing at schools and reading to nursing home residents.”
The guy can’t believe it. He asks the owner, “Why would you want to sell this incredible dog?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did half those things!”
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Did you hear about the lemon that got suspended from school? It was constantly tarty.
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Fun prank to play on your kids:
Empty a small bag of Cheetos, refill it with baby carrots, and glue it shut. Snack on Cheetos while you wait for them to notice.
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A giant dinosaur terrorized my city! It threatened “to annihilate the city, to destroy, to demolish, to obliterate, to ravage, to ruin…”
As it went on, I realized it was the most terrifying species of all: a Tyrannothesaurus rex.
Q: Which side of a horse has more hair?
A: The outside.
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My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. Can you believe she woke me up at 3 p.m. to tell me that?
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A college professor hands her student a book by her favorite motivational speaker. “You should read this,” she says.
“Oh, I’ve read all of his books,” the student replies. “I should probably return them before he notices they’re missing.”
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I studied abroad in college. And then I asked her to marry me.
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Nanny: Now, can you tell me what comes after S in the alphabet?
Kid: T!
Nanny: Great, I’ll have mine with milk and sugar. Thanks!
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Grapes are no good these days. You know what the problem is? People aren’t raisin them right.
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Son: Some kid just came up and dumped milk on my shoes and threw cheese at me!
Dad: How dairy!
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Q: What’s the one thing that Adam and Eve didn’t have in the Garden of Eden that everybody since then has had?
A: Parents.
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A girl met a horse, and they became fast friends. The horse ended up moving around a lot, though, and they lost touch.
It turns out he was unstable.
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Child: Where do spoons come from?
Father: The spork.
The almond and the pea fell in love and had a baby. They named her Peanut.
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Q: How do locomotives get from point A to point B?
A: Lots of training.
A police officer pulls over a car to the side of the road. The officer asks the driver, “How long have you been driving without a taillight?”
The man hollers, “Oh no!” and jumps out of the car to inspect it. “Wait until my family finds out about this!”
“And where is your family?” the officer asks.
“Er,” the man says, “they were in the trailer that was hitched up to the back of the car!”
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Kid: Can I leave the table?
Dad: Where are you going to leave it?
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With one arm full of stuff, my wife tried to unlatch our baby’s car seat with the other hand. In the middle of her struggle, she wondered out loud, “How do people with one arm do this?”
I replied, “Single-handedly.”
My dad asked me to mail out the invitations to my brother’s surprise birthday party.
And that’s when I realized that my brother was his favorite twin.
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Son: What does bargain mean?
Dad: Well, it means a great deal, actually…
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A vowel saves another vowel’s life. The other vowel thanks him, saying, “Aye E! I owe you!”
Q: Why do dads tell dad jokes?
A: Because grandpa jokes fell asleep on the couch.
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Kid: Can you put my shoes on?
Uncle: No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
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During a business trip, a man passed through the college town where his son Jimmy went to school. Deciding to surprise his son with dinner, he drove to the fraternity house where Jimmy lived. He knocked on the door, but nobody answered. Hearing loud music inside, he knocked louder. Finally, he banged on the door until somebody stuck his head out of a window on the second floor. “Hey, what is it?” the guy shouted down.
“Does Jimmy Robertson live here?” the father asked.
“Yeah,” the guy said. “Just leave him on the porch, and we’ll grab him in the morning.”
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My grandpa named his dogs Timex, Rolex, and Swatch. Those are his watch dogs.
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Q: How many dads does it take to kill a spider?
A: One.
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Daughter: Good night, Daddy!
Dad: It is now!
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A turtle was crossing the road when he was mugged by two snails. Once the police showed up, they asked him to explain what happened. The turtle replied, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast!”
Did you hear about the princess who started a bakery?
It rose to success, as she was quite well-bread.
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Mom: Do you need a pocket calculator for school?
Son: No, I know exactly how many pockets I’ve got.
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A family was at an amusement park. When the young daughter got tired, her dad put her up on his shoulders. But then she started picking at his hair. Wincing, her dad said, “If you keep pulling my hair, you’re going to have to get down off my shoulders.”
“But Dad,” the kid replied, “I’m just trying to get my gum back.”
BAD ADVICE FROM A REAL DAD
“My dad (who has a bachelor’s degree in finance) told me that you can use credit cards as free money as long as you pay the minimum payments.”
Who cares if I don’t know what apocalypse means?
It’s not the end of the world.
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Mother: Be yourself and don’t do anything stupid.
Teenager: So…which one then?
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Communism jokes aren’t funny. Unless everyone gets them.
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Q: How can you tell if a parrot has been in your fridge?
A: The butter is covered in colorful feathers.
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During a fancy dinner party, the two children of the hosts tiptoe into the dining room, completely naked. They walk slowly around the table, giggling quietly. Embarrassed, their parents act like nothing out of the ordinary is happening, and they try to keep the dinner conversation going. Following their lead, the guests do the same. After the kids walk around the table a few times, there’s an awkward silence, during which one of the kids says, “See, I told you. It is vanishing cream!”
Girlfriend: I like your pajamas. Are they satin?
Boyfriend: Nope, not worn. Brand new!
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If it ain’t broke, well, the kids haven’t gotten ahold of it yet.
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Son: Was I adopted?
Parent: Not yet, but we’re still holding out hope.
A horse moved in next door. I hope he has a stable income. I should go say, “Hay, welcome to the neigh-borhood!”
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Ralph.
Ralph who?
Ralph! Ralph! I’m a dog!
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What dads say: “Ask your mother.”
What dads mean: “No, but I don’t want to be the bad guy.”
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There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you.
—Peter De Vries
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I did that “airplane” trick to get my toddler to eat some food.
Now all he wants to eat are airplanes. It’s costing me a fortune.
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Parent: Why did you get such a bad score on this test?
Kid: Absence.
Parent: What? You were at school that day.
Kid: Yeah, but the smart kid I sit next to wasn’t.
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I had to look up the definition of opaque. But it wasn’t very clear.
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Q: What’s a good name for a hot dog?
A: Frank.
Q: What’s a good name for a hot dog truck?
A: Frank Truck.
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Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole with dirt when his neighbor peered over the fence. “What are you up to, Johnny?” the neighbor asked.
“My goldfish died,” replied Johnny. “I just buried him.”
The neighbor saw the big mound of dirt and remarked, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish.”
Johnny patted down the last heap of dirt and replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
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Kid: Dad, name two pronouns.
Dad: Who, me?
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Tyrone.
Tyrone who?
Tyrone shoelaces!
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Kid: Dad, why is my name Churchill?
Dad: Your mom wanted to name you after someone she admired.
Other Kid: What about me?
Dad: I got to name you, for the same reason. Now, off to bed, Limp Bizkit.
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Q: Why do dramatic teenagers hang out in groups of 3, 5, or 7?
A: Because they can’t even.
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A boy gets in trouble for not listening to his mother and is sent to his room. After a few minutes, the father goes in. “Do you know why you’re in trouble? You disobeyed your mom,” the dad says. “And if I’m not allowed to do that, then you certainly aren’t!”
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You should learn sign language. It’s very handy.
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Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.
—John Wilmot
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Nothing lasts forever. Except for my kid’s baseball games.
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You can tell it’s the day your child graduates from high school because that’s the day you finally install her car seat correctly.
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My family ran a major fishing business. Anybody in the area who wanted to catch or sell any fish had to get permission from Grandpa. That’s why they called him the Cod Father.
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Q: Where will you find the inside scoop?
A: In the kitchen drawer.
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“How did the car wind up in the living room?” the angry father asks his teenager as they survey the massive damage to the house.
“Simply put,” the boy replies, “I took a left at the kitchen.”
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When I got married, my mother told me to always remember that marriage is hard. Especially for the person who’s married to me.
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Her: I’m trying on this new dress—can you zip it?
Him (after a long pause): Hey, what did I say wrong, anyway?
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Russell.
Russell who?
Let’s Russell up some grub!
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Sister: Hey, check out my new pen.
Brother: What’s so great about it?
Sister: It can write underwater.
Brother: Can it write other words, too?
Q: What makes a kid laugh hardest at your dad jokes?
A: When she needs 20 bucks.
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A man was busy at work one day when he received a call. “This is the school calling about your son, Darren,” a woman said. “He’s been caught telling wild lies.”
“Indeed!” the man said. “I don’t have a son.”
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Q: How is dinnertime like medieval times?
A: The amount of planning and trickery it takes to sneak anything remotely healthy into a child’s meal is basically what it took to poison a wicked medieval king.
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Q: What sound does a 6 a.m. Saturday alarm clock make?
A: “Daaaaaaaaaaad!”
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One day, a dad hears a knock at the door. An older man is standing on his porch. “I’m so sorry,” the visitor says, “but I think I’ve run over your cat. I’d like to replace him.”
“Okay,” the dad says, “but how good are you at catching mice?”
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Customer: I bought this sweater for my grandfather the other day, but it’s picking up a lot of static electricity.
Clerk: Sorry, sir, we’ll replace it. Free of charge.
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Public service announcement for kids:
“It’s time to go to bed” is a statement of fact, not the first stage in a negotiation process.
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My girlfriend is leaving me. She says I’m too obsessed with science fiction. What alternate universe is she living in?
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Q: What’s the worst thing somebody can do to your kid?
A: Give him a whistle.
For his birthday, a boy wants a pet spider. His dad takes him to an exotic pet store, where they see a big, hairy spider. The father asks how much it costs. “That’s fifty dollars,” the clerk replies.
“Fifty bucks!” the dad exclaims. “Forget that, I’ll just find a cheap one off the web.”
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Mom: This is the last straw!
Dad: We’ll buy more.
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“We can’t clean the house right now,” the husband reasoned. “If we did that, we’d have nothing to do during spring cleaning time.”
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My aunt was caught shoplifting a turkey from a supermarket. As she headed out the door, a security guard stopped her and said, “Hey, what do you think you’re doing with that turkey?”
She replied, “Probably some mashed potatoes, stuffing, and a green bean casserole.”
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Taylor.
Taylor who?
Taylor little brother to pick up his toys
so I don’t step on them.
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Kid: What if I fall off my bike and hurt myself?
Mom: Well, I’d call you a doctor!
Dad: Now, how is that going to help him? He’s sitting there with a broken arm, and you’re shouting, “You’re a doctor!”?
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I always carry a picture of my family in my wallet. It’s a reminder of why there’s no money in my wallet.
One afternoon, a teenager hears the doorbell ring. Standing on the porch is a man who’s disheveled and angry. “Your dog jumped your fence, chased me on a bicycle, tackled me, and bit my leg!” the man yells.
The teen looks the visitor up and down, glances at his dog in the yard, and says, “That’s impossible. My dog doesn’t know how to ride a bicycle.”
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Dad: What’re you up to?
Son: Just thinking.
Dad: Ah, that must be what I smelled burning.
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I tried to ask my wife an important question the other day. But she was applying a mud facial treatment.
You should have seen the dirty look she gave me.
Children left alone in the back seat of a car can cause accidents. That’s pretty ironic, considering that accidents in the back seat of a car can lead to children.
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Q: Why did the teenaged bird go to the beach?
A: He heard there were going to be gulls there.
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A mother pounded on her son’s bedroom door one morning. “Get up! You’re going to be late for school!” she yelled.
A voice inside the room called back, “I’m not going. Everybody there hates me, and I hate it, and you can’t make me go!”
“Listen,” his mother said. “I’ll give you two reasons why you have to. First, you’re 40 years old. Second, you’re the principal.”
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Kid: Hey, Dad, are you all right?
Dad: Nope, I’m half left.
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No matter how kind you may be, remember that German kids are kinder.
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What dads say: “It’s past your bedtime.”
What dads mean: “Daddy and Mommy need some ‘alone time’.”
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda fix the toilet!
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I went to a cable TV repairman’s wedding last weekend.
The reception was fantastic.
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Q: Why should you buy a dog when your kids become teenagers?
A: So you have someone who’s happy to see you when you come home.
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Wife: Honey, you should write a book about your life.
Husband: Now that’s a novel idea!
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At the grocery store, a man is looking for a large enough Thanksgiving turkey to feed his family, but he can’t find one to his liking. “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” he asks an employee.
She replies, “No, sir, they’ve stopped growing. These turkeys are dead, you see.”
My wife and I met when we were both gymnasts. I was doing a backflip one day when I realized I was heels over head in love.
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Dad: What are you making for dinner?
Mom: Venison.
Dad: Oh, deer!
I was so relieved when my son was born. It looked like he was running out of womb in there.
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Q: How many kids does it take to change the toilet paper roll?
A: Who knows? No kid has ever done it.
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Just before Christmas, a child’s behavior is usually affected by the laws of Claus-and-effect.
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A couple sits on the porch, watching the sunset, each with a beer in hand. The husband says, “I love you so much.”
The wife says, “I love you, too. But is that you or the beer talking?”
The husband answers, “It’s me, talking to my beer.”
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Dad: What are you doing to that wall?
College student: Drilling holes to hang things.
Dad: Sounds boring.
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Real men wear pink. At least they do if that’s the color of the shirt their wife just bought them.
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Q: Why did the cowboy buy a wiener dog?
A: Because someone told him to get a long, little doggie.
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Linda.
Linda who?
Linda hand, I can’t move this piano by myself!
Back when I was a kid, I had a rare disease. In order to survive, I had to eat dirt three times a day.
I’m so glad my older brother told me I had it!
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Mom: Do you know where the English Channel is?
Son: I’m not sure, ever since we switched cable companies last week.
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If you’ve ever tried to nail grape jelly to the ceiling, then you’ll understand what it’s like trying to raise teenagers.
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I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.
—Brian Kiley
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Q: What’s a good name for a guy who can never remember where he parked his car?
A: Carlos.
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My family went out for the afternoon, so I decided to cook them dinner as a special treat. But when they came home, the fire trucks ruined the surprise.
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A hungover man stumbles into the kitchen one morning.
“I’m guessing you feel terrible,” his wife remarks, sipping her tea.
“Actually, I feel okay,” he says, pouring himself some coffee. “I slept like a log.”
“You didn’t even come to bed!”
“I know,” he says. “I passed out in the fireplace.”
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Raymond.
Raymond who?
Raymond me to go to the store—
we’re out of milk.
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Kid: Dad, what’s the difference between one yard and two yards?
Dad: A fence.
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A middle school kid comes home, goes straight to his room, and flops down on his bed in defeat.
His dad follows him. “Hey, bud, how did the test go?” he asks.
“Well,” the son says, his words muffled, “I did what George Washington did.”
“What’s that?” the father asks.
The son answers, “I went down in history.”
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Do I want to go to a haunted cornfield maze? Heavens, no! If I wanted to get trapped in a disorienting maze, I’d just walk into my kid’s bedroom.
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People who celebrate Christmas experience four stages of life:
Stage 1. You believe in Santa Claus.
Stage 2. You stop believing in Santa Claus.
Stage 3. You are Santa Claus.
Stage 4. You look like Santa Claus.
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Child: Dad, why are you sleeping on the chandelier?
Dad: I’m a light sleeper.
A couple of guys are arguing about which one of them has the smarter dog. “Mine is so smart,” the first guy says, “that every morning he brings the newspaper to me along with scrambled eggs and a fresh cup of hot coffee.”
“Oh, I know,” says the other guy. “My dog told me all about it.”
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Cynthia.
Cynthia who?
Cynthia been so good,
I’m taking you out for pizza!
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Fun prank to play on your kid:
When she asks if she can sleep in your bed, say yes, and then slip on a clown mask.
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My wife: Can I be frank?
Me: Sure, but we’re going to have to go down to city hall to get the name change forms.
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Q: How do you make antifreeze?
A: Steal her snow pants while they’re drying by the fire.
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Q: What’s the loneliest cheese?
A: Provolone.
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A kid sees his grandfather working in the garden and goes out to join him. “What do you put on your celery?” the grandson asks.
The grandpa stops digging for a second, touched by his grandson’s interest. “Well,” he says, “usually a mix of bonemeal-enriched soil, fertilizer, and a little horse manure.”
“Gross!” the grandson says. “I just use peanut butter.”
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The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
—E. Joseph Cossman
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What dads say: “Maybe.”
What dads mean: “No.”
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90 percent of parenting is…
• Watching when someone says “watch this!”
• Pretending to be asleep.
• Shuttling kids to and from public bathrooms.
• Letting kids play games on your phone.
• Being late for things.
• Collecting box tops.
• Filling out permission slips.
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The other 10 percent is…
• Heartwarming moments you share with your children that make it all worthwhile.
• Drinking beer in the garage after they go to bed.
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My daughter thinks we don’t give her enough privacy. Can you believe she wrote that in her diary?
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Wife: Hey, I thought you were going to mow the lawn today.
Husband: I am mowing the lawn.
Wife: No, you’re not. You’re goofing off.
Husband: No, I’m just taking a break. Well, several breaks. In a row.
My kids wonder why I watch the same Bruce Willis movie every day. But hey, old habits Die Hard.
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Emily.
Emily who?
I have no idea. My name is Dave.
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Q: What did the chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day?
A: Hugs and quiches.
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A dad pulls aside one of his twin sons at their eighth birthday party and hands the boy a five-dollar bill. “Here’s a little something extra from me. But don’t tell your brother.”
The kid looks at the money and says, “Sorry, if you want me to stay quiet, it’s going to cost you a lot more than five bucks.”
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Since I became a dad, I get into trouble more often than when I was a kid. It’s mostly when my kids get scolded by their mother for doing something wrong, and they protest, “But Dad does it all the time!”
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Dad: Do you know why cartoon ducks wear pants?
Son: No, why?
Dad: Otherwise everyone would see their quacks.
Our dog doesn’t really like swimming, but he likes to hang out in the lake and float. He’s a very good buoy.
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My wife was beating herself up over something she did wrong the other day, but I told her she should just embrace her mistakes. She agreed.
Then she gave me a big hug!
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Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
A: Hogs and kisses.
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The other day, a German shepherd peed on my front lawn, right in front of me. And today, he brought his dog with him.
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When I die, my son stands to inherit my bathroom scale. Where there’s a will, there’s a weigh.
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A married couple was discussing their final wishes, burial plans, and things of that nature. “I want you to know that I don’t want to live in a vegetative state,” the husband said. “Being hooked up to machines is no way to live. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
Silently, the woman stood up and unplugged his laptop and the family’s video game console. Then she grabbed her husband’s phone and threw it as hard as she could at the TV, shattering both.
I just bought a book called How to Avoid Scams. Best $500 I ever spent!
When I turned 18, I bought a locket and put my own picture in it. I just wanted to be independent.
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Colleen.
Colleen who?
Colleen up this mess out here!
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Kid: I saw a deer on the way to school today.
Dad: Neat! But how did you know it was on its way to school?
I was supposed to meet my date at the gym, but she didn’t show up. I guess we’re not going to work out.
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Q: What’s the difference between pizza and pizza jokes?
A: Pizza jokes can’t be topped!
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Q: Who is bigger, Ms. Bigger or her baby?
A: The baby. She’s a little Bigger.
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Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.
—Dr. Joyce Brothers
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A nut enrolled in the University of Hawaii. It was interested in pursuing higher macademia.
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Q: Which farm animal is a cannibal?
A: A cow. It eats its fodder.
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Q: What hotel did the cheese stay in?
A: The Stilton.
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Icing.
Icing who?
Icing really loud.
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Sometimes I’ll open a root beer and it fizzes so loudly that it sounds like it’s talking to me. You know, soda speak.
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Q: Why do cowboys put big hats and boots on their salads?
A: They prefer ranch dressing.
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When asked how Swiss cheese is made, the dad said, “From hole milk.”
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Q: Which is more useful, the Sun or the Moon?
A: The Moon, because the Sun only shines in the daytime. And it’s light then anyway.
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Every Saturday, a dad and his kids played Cops and Robbers. They ran around the house, chasing each other with toy guns. One day, one of the kids cornered the dad and “shot” him. He slumped to the ground, giving a dramatic death scene before lying totally motionless. As they pounced on him, he continued to lie there without moving a muscle…for 10 minutes.
The kids got scared and went to get their mother. “Honey, are you okay?” she asked her husband, jostling him by the shoulder.
“Quiet!” he whispered. “This is the only chance I get to take a nap around here.”
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Q: How do you stop a dog from barking in the back of the car?
A: Move him up to the front seat.
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Kid: Dad, can you just do my homework for me?
Dad: Of course not. It wouldn’t be right.
Kid: You could try, though.
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They say that the better a man smells, the more he enjoys Valentine’s Day. It turns out that men are scent-imental.
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My daughter brought me breakfast in bed today—scrambled eggs. They weren’t all they were cracked up to be.
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Brother: I bet I can guess what’s in this present.
Sister: Really?
Brother: Yep. It’s a gift.
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I think my wife has been adding extra soil to the garden. The plot thickens!
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Did you hear about the drummer whose girlfriend gave birth to twin daughters?
He named them Anna 1, Anna 2.
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Kid: Want to play a game of checkers?
Dad: Sure, but I’m the Arnold Schwarzenegger of checkers.
Kid: What does that mean?
Dad: I’ll be black!
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A dad pushed a tack into the wall. Standing below it, he called, “Hey, kids, c’mere!” When they gathered, he cried out, “Help me, I’m under a tack!”
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My dog loves going down to the pond, but we can’t take him anymore because the ducks always attack him.
I guess I shouldn’t have bought a pure bread dog.
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Q: How do you get a lady from a farm to like you?
A: Just a tractor.
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A kid presented her father with a drawing of Earth that she made in school. “Do you like it, Daddy?” she asked.
“Sweetie,” he said, “this means the world to me.”
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My wife bought me a brown leather jacket. I thought it was extremely ugly, yet I wore it anyway.
I’m easily suede.
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Husband: Remind me to call the doctor today.
Wife: Which doctor?
Husband: No, just a regular one.
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Did you hear about the guy whose partner hogged all the blankets while they were sleeping?
Don’t worry, he recovered.
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What dads say: “Can anyone recommend some math and science books my kid can study over the summer?”
What dads mean: “My kid is a freaking genius, and I’m bragging.”
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A boy came bounding down the stairs with a loud stomp-stomp-stomp. Annoyed, his father bellowed, “Son! How many times have I told you not to run down those stairs?” Turning the kid around, he said, “I want you to go back up, and then come down much quieter.” The boy did as he was told and headed back upstairs.
A few minutes passed, and the doorbell rang. The dad answered the door, and there stood the son, who said, “I took the window.”
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Little girl: Uh-oh, the cat threw up on the carpet!
Parent: He must not be feline well.
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Q: Why did the rhyme-reciting chicken cross the road?
A: It was poultry in motion.
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Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: Because it wasn’t chicken.
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Guitar.
Guitar who?
Guitar coats, it’s time to go.
Boyfriend: Did you hear the joke about the dirty gym socks?
Girlfriend: I did. It stinks!
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Q: What do baby bears eat?
A: Cub sandwiches.
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We got our daughter a minifridge for her room. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it!
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Boy: There’s a hole in your shoe.
Younger sibling: No, there isn’t!
Boy: Then how did you get your foot into it?
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Two silkworms had a race, but they ultimately ended in a tie.
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Q: Why did the piece of coal turn into a diamond?
A: It just couldn’t take the pressure.
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Did you know that dragons are nocturnal animals?
They sleep all day so they can fight knights.
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Kid: Ew, there’s a bunch of ants on my chocolate bar!
Dad: Aha, so there is life on Mars!
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Teacher: Your kid is such a free spirit! Don’t you just love that?
Me: If by “free spirits” you mean an open bar, then yes, I love it.
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Q: How does a dog stop a movie?
A: She presses paws.
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Falling down a stairwell is easy.
You just take it step by step.
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Wife: Hon, you dropped some ice cubes… Wait, don’t just kick them under the refrigerator!
Husband: Whatever. Now it’s all just water under the fridge.
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Q: How do you make your waterbed bouncier?
A: Use spring water.
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Kid: Dad, what’s an anagram for nuclear?
Dad: That’s unclear.
“Honesty is the best policy.” That’s according to dad aka the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the Tooth Fairy.
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Did you hear about the dad who sliced his fingers while cutting cheese?
It was indicative of grater problems.
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I think my experience as a goat farmer will prepare me well for fatherhood. I’m great around kids!
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Dad: When you grow up, marry someone who tends to bees.
Daughter: Why, Dad?
Dad: Because they’re a keeper.
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Q: What’s the difference between Ferdinand Magellan and plastic wrap?
A: One is a discoverer, and the other is a dish coverer.
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Every time I see a “Keep Off the Grass” sign, I wonder how did it get there in the first place?
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Teen: Dad, I’m trying to FaceTime my friends. Did you rub Vaseline all over the camera lens on my phone?
Dad: Yep!
Teen: Why?
Dad: Now you’ve been photo-balmed!
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Knock-knock!
Who’s—?
The dad inside hisses, “Pretend we’re not home! I don’t want to buy anything.”
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I like telling dad jokes.
And sometimes he even laughs!