Fitness, Aging, and Eventual Death
I’m going to start dieting next week.
Right now I’m in the weighting period.
Patient: Doctor, will I live a long time?
Doctor: I think you’ll live to be 60.
Patient: But I am 60!
Doctor: See?
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They say that exercise is like a drug.
And I don’t do drugs.
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A horse with a bandage on his head limps into a bar. He orders four beers, downs them all, and says to the bartender, “I really shouldn’t be drinking with what I’ve got.”
“What have you got?” the bartender asks.
The horse answers, “About fifty cents.”
I got really sick when I was in Rome and had to check into a hospital. They put me on a 4 drip.
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Q: Which infamous military general wasn’t left-handed or right-handed?
A: Benedict Arnold. He was underhanded.
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I shouldn’t have eaten the seafood that had been sitting out. Now I’m feeling eel.
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Q: What do sprinters eat before a race?
A: Nothing. They fast.
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You know you’re a dad when you grunt getting up and sitting back down.
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LIES DADS TELL
“I feel just as good now as I did when I was 20!”
“Yes, Doctor, I’ve avoided sweets.”
“Nonalcoholic beer tastes just as good as the real thing.”
My dad had the greatest facial hair. Not just great, it was fan-stache-tic.
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Dad: What’s wrong?
Kid: I stubbed my toe, and it really hurts!
Dad: I’ll tell you what…
Kid: Okay…
Dad: Better not do that anymore.
Q: Why did the guy sit on the copier and take a picture of his rear end?
A: He was getting behind in his work.
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Wife: How do you feel?
Husband: Same as always. With my hands.
Parenting an only child is a lot like how the solar system works. Everybody orbits the son.
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Girl: Why did my brother’s tooth fall out?
Grandma: Because it was looth.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts.
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Vicky.
Vicky who?
Vicky to good health is a balanced diet.
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Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
A: “Breathe!”
“The doctors removed a bone from my arm,” said Tom humorlessly.
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Kid: Dad, did you get a haircut?
Dad: No. I got them all cut.
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An elderly man put a bunch of items on the conveyor belt at the checkout: cotton balls, cotton swabs, medicated powder, cold cream, and denture cleaner. First he tried to pay with a gift card for an auto shop. Then he wrote a check, and on the memo line he wrote, “Repairs.”
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An English teacher had a serious gastrointestinal problem that required surgery. After it was all over, she had a semicolon.
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The phoenix is a mythical bird that rises from the dead. But only after making a complete ash of itself.
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Q: What rhymes with boo and stinks?
A: You!
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Did you hear about the old guy who found his suppository in his ear?
No telling where he put his hearing aid.
Does screwing up several things at once count as multitasking?
A pirate goes to a doctor and says, “I’ve got all these moles on me back, arrr.”
The doctor says, “Don’t worry, they’re benign.”
The pirate replies, “Arrr, thar be ten, not nine!”
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I’m on a 30-day diet.
So far, I’ve lost 15 days.
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Dad: You know, I can chop a log just by looking at it.
Kid: No way!
Dad: I’m serious. I saw it with my own eyes.
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Raoul.
Raoul who?
Sometimes you just have to Raoul with the punches.
A father brought his young son to visit the widow of a family friend who had recently died. As they reached the front door, the dad said, “Now, Son, remember to tell Mrs. Jenkins how sorry you are.”
“Why?” the kid replied. “I didn’t kill him.”
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A town had a church bell that was rung every hour. One day, the bell rope broke, and the minister couldn’t find anyone to fix it. Finally, a man came by to offer his services. He had a freakishly large head and a skull as hard as steel. “I heard the bell rope is broken,” he said, his giant head bobbing. “I can be your new bell ringer.”
The minister was doubtful. “This is very important,” he explained. “The bell must be rung every hour between 6 a.m. and 9 p.m. How can you do that with the broken rope?”
“I have it all figured out,” the visitor said as he nodded his huge head enthusiastically.
“It’s almost noon,” the minister pointed out. “Could you show me?”
Instead of walking up the stairs of the bell tower, the man sprinted up the spiral staircase, faster and faster until he achieved enough momentum to ram his giant head into the bell. The ringing echoed through the town. “You’re hired!” said the minister.
Every day, from morning ‘til night, the man rang the bell. The locals came to respect and adore him. One day, during a rainstorm, the man was dashing up the staircase to ring the bell. He slipped on the wet stairs, tumbled over the side of the staircase, and fell to his death.
Two townspeople rushed over. One asked, “Who is that?”
The second responded, “I never learned his name, but his face sure rings a bell.”
The bell ringer’s funeral was attended by everyone in town. Afterward, a familiar-looking man approached the minister. “The bell ringer was my brother,” the newcomer said. The resemblance was obvious: This man also had a giant head with a skull as hard as steel. “After seeing how beloved he was and how kind everyone is here, I’d like to be your new bell ringer,” the brother said. Delighted, the minister agreed.
The new bell ringer was just as dependable as his brother. But soon there was another downpour. As the bell ringer raced up the stairs, he slipped, tumbled over the railing, and fell to his death.
The same two townspeople rushed over. The first asked, “Do you know him?”
The second replied, “Not really, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”
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Q: What kind of milk do pampered cows give?
A: Spoiled milk.
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We don’t devote enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
—Bill Watterson
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Two men sit in a bar drinking. One of them notices two old guys on the other side of the room and says, “Hey look, that’s us in 20 years.”
His friend looks up, laughs, and says, “No, that’s us now. That’s a mirror.”
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I called the incontinence hotline.
They asked me to hold.
Q: How come suntanning never caught on as a competitive sport?
A: Because the best you can ever get is bronze.
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Did you hear about the guy who ate four cans of alphabet soup?
He had a very large vowel movement.
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I saw an envelope on fire.
Don’t worry, I stamped it out.
Did you hear about the hamster that died from not getting any exercise?
He lacked the wheel to live.
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“I’m not fat!” Tom denied stoutly.
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Q: What disease does an old roof get?
A: Shingles.
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A man goes to a doctor and tells him, “Doc, I’m happy with my life and want to be around as long as possible. How can I live to be 100 years old?”
The doctor thinks for a minute. Looking the patient right in the eye, he says, “If you do all of these things without fail, you should be able to achieve your goal.”
“Great!” the man says. “Just tell me what to do!”
“First, stop eating anything that tastes good. No more burgers, pizza, or ice cream. For you, it’s all kale and smoothies now. You’re also going to have to exercise at least four hours a day to counteract your metabolism. If you feel you don’t have time, you must spend less time with your family, watch less TV— whatever it takes.” The patient looks dismayed but is taking notes. The doctor continues, “Good news: you can still drink. But no more beer or cocktails. Once a week, you can have half a glass of the most bitter red wine you can find.”
“Wow,” the man says. “If I do all that, I can happily live to be 100?”
“Wait,” the doctor replies, “I didn’t say anything about ‘happily.’ ”
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Q: What’s the difference between a newborn baby and a really old man?
A: Depends.
A man was rushed to the hospital. There, a specialist gave him the bad news that he had only six months to live.
Fortunately, the man didn’t pay his hospital bill, so the doctor gave him another six months to live.
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Let’s all grab something to kill that fly with. We’ll be a SWAT team!
A guy told everyone on the internet that he had a beard, but then he posted a picture of himself, and he was totally clean-cut.
What a bald-faced liar!
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Q: What’s another name for twins?
A: Womb-mates.
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Remember: A bird in the hand… will probably poop in your hand.
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If you are young and drink a great deal, it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat—in other words, turn you into an adult.
—P. J. O’Rourke
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Patient: I have a ringing in my ears.
Doctor: You shouldn’t answer.
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A man goes to his doctor. “I’ve had terrible constipation,” he complains. “I haven’t gone for weeks.”
“Are you doing anything for it?” the doctor asks.
“I force myself to sit on the toilet for a half hour in the morning, and then another half hour in the evening.”
“I meant do you take anything,” the doctor clarifies.
“Oh,” the man says. “Yeah, usually a magazine.”
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Q: Can you finish a marathon if you’re sick?
A: Sure, if you’ve got a runny nose.
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My kid just gave me my 50th birthday card. It’s a nice gesture, but just one would have been fine.
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Phyllis.
Phyllis who?
Phyllis cup with water, please.
I’m so thirsty!
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We had a little accident the other day. I tried to explain to my three-year-old son that pooping your pants occasionally is perfectly normal. And yet he hasn’t stopped making fun of me.
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Wife: Going to lunch?
Husband: Yep.
Wife: Can I join you?
Husband: I didn’t know I was falling apart!
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My eyelids got really mad at me. They lashed out!
_______________
A man walks into his psychiatrist’s office. “Doctor, you’ve got to help me,” he pleads. “Every night, I dream I’m a fast car. Last night, I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night, I was a Ferrari. Before that, I was a Porsche. What does it mean?”
“Relax,” says the doctor. “You’re just having an auto-body experience.”
I used to always get little electric shocks whenever I’d touch a metal object. But recently, it finally stopped. It goes without saying, but I’m ex-static.
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Did you hear Dracula went to the doctor?
He was coffin.
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A guy went to a dentist to have some cavities worked on. His regular dentist was on vacation, so he had to settle for the dentist who was filling in.
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My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. She picked a big fight with me after we got lost in a bad neighborhood. That was the last straw. I packed up my stuff and right.
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Looking 50 is great. If you’re 60.
—Joan Rivers
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My dad’s convinced that the drugstore will be the death of him, since sick people have to walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes right up front.
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A man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical. The nurse asks some basic questions about his health. She begins with, “How much do you weigh?”
“Oh, about 150 pounds,” the patient replies. He gets onto the scale, and his actual weight is 180.
Then the nurse asks, “What’s your height?”
“Six feet tall,” says the man. The nurse measures him, and he’s only five foot nine.
“How’s your blood pressure?”
“Good,” he says. But when the nurse takes his blood pressure, it’s extremely elevated. Before she can speak, he defends himself. “Of course it’s high!” he shouts. “What did you expect? When I came in here, I was tall and thin, and now all of a sudden I’m short and chubby!”
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I’m all about fitness. Fitness extra meal in between lunch and dinner.
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Kid: Can I have your bookmark?
Dad: Sure, but you know my name is Ed.
_______________
“I’m losing my hair,” Tom bawled.
Q: What’s the worst part about working at a gas station?
A: All the burps and farts.
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Always use the self-checkout line.
The cashiers are so good-looking!
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A man steps onto a bathroom scale and sucks in his gut. His wife walks in and says, “You know, that’s not going to help at all.”
“Sure it is!” the man says. “I can see the numbers this way.”
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I’ve lost my mind. And I’m reasonably sure the kids took it.
_______________
Q: How do people who freeze up on the spot stay dry in the rain?
A: With an ummmmbrella.
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Dogs can’t see your bones. But cat scan!
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I had a neck brace fitted years ago. And I’ve never looked back.
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A psychiatrist meets a new patient. “What’s troubling you?” the doctor asks.
“I think I’m a goat,” the patient responds.
“Okay,” the doctor says, writing down some notes. “How long have you had this feeling?”
The man thinks about it before answering, “Ever since I was a kid.”
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Q: How come ointment never got a better job?
A: It wasn’t good at applying itself.
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Dock-dock!
Who’s there?
A knock-knock joke with a cold.
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Q: Why are tall people so optimistic?
A: They have high hopes.
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Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get really sad and give them a hug. Life can be so tough when you’re going blind.
Hostess: Sorry about your wait.
Dad: Me, too. I’ve really packed on the pounds since college.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for someone my age. Until I remember that at some point, death will be normal for someone my age.
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My doctor says not to worry about the bird flu. It’s tweetable.
_______________
“I just got my gall bladder removed,” said Tom, feeling rather disorganized.
_______________
Q: How do archers get in shape?
A: Arrowbics.
BAD ADVICE FROM A REAL DAD
“Coke is used to disinfect toilets, so you can use it to clean wounds.”
I think I have an inferiority complex. But it’s a terrible one.
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Q: What do you call a pelican that isn’t any good at catching fish?
A: A pelican’t.
_______________
Kid: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?
Dad: No. Hey, have you seen my glasses?
_______________
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. For 8,724 days in a row now.
_______________
THE SEVEN AGES OF MAN
1. spills
2. drills
3. thrills
4. bills
5. ills
6. pills
7. wills
_______________
I feel much like a square peg in a round hole. You could say I’m in bad shape.
_______________
After raising four kids, a woman reentered the workforce. Although she was not trained in medicine, she decided her experience as a mother qualified her to open a medical clinic. She guaranteed that she could treat any health problem for $250. A sign on her door read “If you’re not cured, I’ll give you $500.”
One man thought this was a good opportunity to earn $500. Entering the clinic, he said, “Doctor, I’ve lost my sense of taste. Foods seem to have no flavor.”
The woman called to her assistant, “Nurse, please bring medicine B24, and give the patient a half-ounce dose.”
After the nurse fed him the medicine, the man exclaimed, “This is rubbing alcohol!”
The mom said, “Congratulations! Your sense of taste has been restored. That will be $250.”
The customer got upset and concocted a plan to get his money back. A few days later, he walked in and said, “Doctor, I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.”
The mom called out, “Nurse, please bring medicine B24, and give the patient a half-ounce dose.”
The man exclaimed, “But that’s rubbing alcohol!”
The woman said, “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $250.”
Angrily, the man stormed out. Later, he returned, saying, “Doctor, something is wrong with my eyes. I can barely see.”
The woman thought for a moment and responded, “Well, I don’t have a medicine for that. Take this $500.”
Looking at the bills, the man protested, “But this is $250.”
Snatching the money out of his hands, the woman said, “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $250.”
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Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too.
—Lionel Kauffman
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Sadly, my dad passed away while we were traveling in a third-world country. At the hospital, we couldn’t remember his blood type, so he didn’t get the transfusion that would have saved his life. As he lay dying, he told us to “be positive,” but we still miss him so much.
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“I’m a self-taught doctor,” Tom quacked.
Q: Why can’t farts get a decent education?
A: Because they always get expelled.
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Squatting down to get a beer off the bottom shelf of the fridge definitely counts as exercise.
I felt so exhausted after giving blood. It’s really a draining procedure.
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Q: What’s tight, white, and full of holes?
A: Dad’s underwear.
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My doctor told me to eat more pizza. Well, actually, she said to eat less red meat, but that’s pretty much the same thing.
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One morning, a husband wakes up and rolls over to give his wife a kiss.
“Don’t touch me!” she cries out. “I’m dead!”
“What do you mean?” he asks. “You can’t be dead—you’re lying here awake, and you’re talking to me.”
“I must be dead,” she insists. “I woke up this morning, and it’s the first time in years that nothing hurts.”
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When I feel like exercising, I just lie down until the feeling goes away.
—Paul Terry
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Did you hear about the failing student with bad gas?
He kept getting farter behind, so his parents hired him a tooter.
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It’s important to rest your muscles between workouts. About three months is good.
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Eyes darted.
Eyes darted who?
Eyes darted to droop, but I woke up!
Every machine at the gym does something different. What they all have in common is that you can take a nap on most of them.
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Wife: You look ill.
Husband: I am. That was my fifth doughnut, and I regret it.
Wife: Of course you do. That’s a lot of doughnuts.
Husband: No, I only regret the fifth one.
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Sure, I exercised this month. I ran out of money several times.
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Did you hear about the man who didn’t poop for months and then got diarrhea?
Talk about a blast from the past.
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“Kids! Stop saying I have a dad bod!
I’d rather you call it a father figure.”
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The hardest I work out at the gym is when I’m looking for a parking spot. You know, right up close by the door.
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“Let’s go for a walk now,” said Tom stridently.
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Humming a happy tune, an elderly man rocked in a rocking chair on his porch. A woman approached him. “Excuse me,” she said. “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look. What’s your secret?”
“Every day, I smoke two packs of cigarettes, and I drink a bottle of whisky. I never exercise, and I eat all the fatty and sugary foods I want.”
“Wow, that’s…amazing,” the woman said. “If you don’t mind my asking, how old are you?”
“I’m 28.”
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Q: Why are dads hairier than moms?
A: They always have an extra ’stache at the ready.
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Elderly man: I love this new hearing aid. It cost a ton of money, but it was worth it because it works great.
Friend: Oh yeah, what kind is it?
Elderly man: About 10:30.
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Fifty is the age where you stop fooling yourself that if you just eat granola nobody will notice.
—Stephen King
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Grandpa: Now that I’m a senior, when I lose my glasses they’re usually not too far away.
Grandkid: Because you don’t go many places anymore?
Grandpa: I meant because they’re generally on my forehead.
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Q: What did one strand of DNA say to the other?
A: “Nice genes!”
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Blue.
Blue who?
Blue your nose on your sleeve again, huh?
Aging is half struggling to catch your breath and half struggling to lose your breadth.
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“My hair’s been cut off,” Tom said distressfully.
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“I’ve determined the addictions that plague all of you,” a psychologist announced to the support group he was leading. “Your obsessions can be seen in what you decided to name your children.” Turning to one woman, he said, “You, ma’am, are addicted to money, which is why you named your daughter Penny.” To another participant, the psychologist said, “You have a problem with food, which explains why your daughter is Candy.” Another man got up and headed for the door with his son in tow. “This guy doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” he said to his child. “Let’s go home, Watching Golf on TV.”
BAD ADVICE FROM A REAL DAD
“My dad told me one time that I shouldn’t work out, because people who work out too much don’t have the flexibility to lift their arms over their heads.”
I’ll never forget my first inoculation.
It was a real shot in the arm.
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Q: Why did the chickens hit the gym?
A: To work on their pecks.
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I was so nervous before my hernia surgery. My stomach was in knots.
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Q: What did the pirate say when his wooden legs fell off during a blizzard?
A: “Shiver me timbers!”
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One of the good things about getting older is you find you’re more interesting than most of the people you meet.
—Lee Marvin
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I like vegetables that are awesome, but not too awesome.
Like the radish.
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Grandma: Be kind to everyone.
Grandkid (scowling): Even my dentist?
Grandma: Yes, he has fillings, too.
You think I’m myopic? I just can’t see it.
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Wife: What a day!
Husband: How was your appointment?
Wife: I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease.
Husband: So, like, you’re a witch?
I just read a book about proctology.
It had extensive end notes.
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Patient: There’s a problem with my knee.
Doctor: What is it?
Patient: My knee.
Doctor: I meant what happens to your knee?
Patient: It juts out in front of me.
Doctor: Oh, that’s just a knee-jerk reaction.
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Q: When you die, what’s the last part of your body to shut down?
A: Your pupils. They dilate.
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Middle age occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush up to the net.
—Franklin P. Adams
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Dispense.
Dispense who?
Dispense are too tight—
I think I gained weight!
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After I hurt my foot, I went to the podiatrist.
But she just added insoles to injury.
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Two pirates meet up in a pirate bar. The first one, Graybeard, has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg.
“Ahoy!” says the other pirate, Long John.
“What happened to ye since last I saw ye?”
“Arrr,” says Graybeard. “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot made me lose me leg. So now I got this peg.”
“What about yer hand?” asks Long John.
“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. Now I got me this hook.”
“Why the eye patch?”
“I bes standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops in me eye.”
“Ya went blind from seagull poop?”
“Nay,” says Graybeard. “It was me first day with the hook.”
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My son didn’t go to Harvard or Yale, but he’s been to the hospital. That’s why I tell people he went to an I.V. league institution.
I tripped and fell into a mirror the other day. I really ought to watch myself.
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Husband: I’m not being lazy. It’s called spontaneous relaxation.
Wife: It looks like laziness to me.
Husband: Well, then, I’m practicing self-care.
Dad: I bought a salad today.
Mom: Did you eat it?
Dad: Hey, baby steps.
Q: What makes a snake just lie there, not moving around?
A: Reptile dysfunction.
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I tried to tell my doctor the long story about how I hurt my thumb. It was all disjointed.
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Brain surgeons are so ambitious. They just want to get a head.
_______________
Q: What happened to the camper who came down with Lyme disease?
A: He got really ticked off.
_______________
Patient: Doctor, how did you get so rich?
Doctor: I treat a lot of sick people.
Patient: Ah, so it’s ill-gotten wealth!
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We all want to belong.
But some of us are short.
_______________
Wife: Why are you just sitting in the dark? Are you feeling blue?
Husband: Yes, cyan.
_______________
Q: How do doctors make cosmetic surgery feel better?
A: An aesthetic.
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You know you’ve reached middle age when your weight lifting consists merely of standing up.
—Bob Hope
_______________
I’m afraid I can’t work out today.
I just don’t look very good in those stretchy yoga pants.
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An upset patient called his doctor’s office. When he reached the doctor, he blurted out, “Is it true that this medication you put me on has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor answered.
Panicking, the man said, “Just tell me—how severe is my condition? Because this bottle is marked ‘No refills’!”
Q: What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
A: The abdominal snowman.
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Traveler’s tip from Dad:
Don’t drink the water in foreign countries. Most of them have really good beer!
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Chiropractors are great friends.
They always have your back.
_______________
Lungs are just a pair of windbags. If you’re feeling deflated, just take a breather.
_______________
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Ashley.
Ashley who?
Ashley’s foot is making my feet all gross!
_______________
“I’ve had my left and right ventricles removed,” Tom said half-heartedly.
_______________
Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into his lens-grinding machine?
He made a spectacle of himself.
_______________
The terrible pain in my big toe finally went away. No gout about it!
_______________
I rushed my wife to the hospital when she started to go into labor, but we didn’t make it. She gave birth right there in the car.
It’s a boy! We named him Carson.
There’s no definitive way to tell whether or not someone is colorblind. There’s a lot of gray area.
_______________
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Champ.
Champ who?
Champ poo your hair—it’s filthy!
_______________
Wife: Looks like you’re starting to go bald.
Husband: I beg to differ. I’m merely shedding my winter fur.
_______________
My girlfriend is feeling better after getting her appendix removed. Unfortunately, she will never be able to reference this chapter of her life.
_______________
“Try to get lots of sleep” is the part of a healthy lifestyle I can definitely get behind.
_______________
Q: What should you carry with you in case you get tired?
A: A knapsack.
_______________
The parents’ version of “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes” is “Snacks, Wallet, Keys, and Phone.”
_______________
Patient: I’m thinking about getting a vasectomy, Doctor.
Doctor: Oh? That’s a big decision. Have you discussed this with your family?
Patient: Absolutely. We took a vote, and we came down in favor of it, 15 to 2.
_______________
“That’s the last time I’ll pet a lion,”
Tom said offhandedly.
_______________
I was just minding my own business at the drugstore the other day when suddenly, out of nowhere, a stranger threw a bottle of omega-3 supplements at me. Fortunately, my injuries were only super fish oil.
_______________
Q: What kind of vehicles do podiatrists drive?
A: Toe trucks.
_______________
Patient: Doctor, I think my nose is finally clear!
Doctor: No, it’s snot.
_______________
Grapes are on sale. My grandma mentioned that in passing today, which was pretty random for someone’s last words.
—Zach Reinert
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Q: Why does lightning shock?
A: It doesn’t know how to conduct itself.
_______________
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Breed.
Breed who?
Breed deep and say “aah!”
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Man: I went to the gym the other day, but they wouldn’t let me in.
Friend: Why not?
Man: No ID!
Friend: Couldn’t you at least ask?
I had the worst bladder infection the other day. At least I think so. The doctor just said, “Buddy, urine trouble.”
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Q: What do you call a man who has no nose and no body?
A: Nobody nose!
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I decided not to have my son circumcised. I had it done when I was a baby, and I couldn’t walk or talk for a year afterward!
BAD ADVICE FROM A REAL DAD
To a kid having an allergic reaction: “There’s no such thing as allergies. If you keep eating nuts, your body will eventually bend to your will.”
“I’ve never had a car accident,” said Tom recklessly.
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I suffer from really bad allergies. Just the worst you’ve ever encountered. It’s a pollen!
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Q: Why should you never iron a four-leaf clover?
A: Because you don’t want to press your luck.
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Q: Why was the Greek man not a morning person?
A: Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Toothache.
Toothache who?
“Toothache the high road, and I’ll take the low road…”
Do I use emoji? Yes, but I remember the good old days, back when they were called hieroglyphics.
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Q: What do bald sea captains worry about?
A: Cap sizes.
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A nail is the thing you aim at before you smack your fingers with a hammer.
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Two dogs are going for a walk together, when one of them starts to unload all his problems. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a pit bull, and I’m more jittery than a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a therapist?” suggests the other dog.
“I can’t,” the troubled dog says.
“Sure you can. I know a schnauzer who really calmed down after talking to someone.”
“No, I mean I’m not allowed on the couch.”
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It’s really easy to prevent women and kids from eating those Tide pods. It’s much tougher to deter gents.
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A veterans’ hospital nurse entered a patient’s room to draw his blood. When she saw an apple on his desk, she quipped, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away! Isn’t that right?”
“Yeah,” he said. “In fact, come to think of it, I haven’t seen a doctor all week.”
“Stop saying that I’m getting old!”
“Okay. You’re nearing your expiration date.”